change

After talking tonight I figured out some things about myself that in my opinion are long overdue. There is a sense of frustration that it took me so long to finally get it. I spent some time talking to my ex of 6 years discussing some of my issues. Can you believe it she had alot of the same issues with me as this last woman had? She said that she felt I didnt listen to her either that I tried so hard to make things o.k. that I didnt hear what she had to say or what she was asking for. I guess you can see the mountain clearer when you are miles away as oppossed to standing on top of it. I have discovered that I tried so hard to give them what I thought was the answer of course I couldnt hear what was being said. I had all the fix it answers in my hand and when it was being refused I tried even harder to make it work.Then couldnt understand why my love wasnt enough. The answer I have come up with is that in order to hear better in the future I need to not try to heal others, to listen to what is being asked of me, to listen to what I am asking for myself. Who knows if this woman and I are going to work things out.All I know is that I have to heal so I dont do the same thing again with the next person that comes into my life weather it is her or someone else. Of course my heart still hurts for this woman and I miss her very much but there is a sense of peace knowing that I am not responsible for her happiness. Not because we arent together anymore but because Im really not responsible for her happiness. I can only be responsible for mine. I have made so many changes in my life recently and I am doing so many things differntly it is amazing to me. I can actually see where I am taking steps towards making me happy. Im not falling into old patterns or even wanting to. Im not numbing the pain but taking steps to correct the behavior that creates the pain. While this is scary and unfamiliar territory it is a good thing. I dont know quite where I am going but I do know it is away fom where I was and that will make me a more loving, compassionate, understanding and healthy person not only for someone else but more importantly for myself.