39

Finally have my head out of the fog. Looking back at the last two bloggs I don't remember writing them, I also didn't remember talking to all the people that I did. They said I was quite humorous. I can only imagine.I checked my texted mail and outgoing calls to make sure I didn't call anyone I shouldn't have. I only recall bits and pieces of Wed. How the hell could anyone want to use that stuff for recreation? I understand the whole numbing but the lack of functioning is crazy.
So in 22 min. It will be my birthday. 39! Mom always said the older you got the faster time flew by. Boy she wasn't kidding. I don't feel 39, I know I don't look 39 but somehow I feel a little older than I did. Maybe it has been all the events that have been occurring in my life or maybe I am just finally absorbing all those life lessons. Whatever the case Im not putting too much stock into it. Im actually working in the morning then my buddy Rick is making me pancakes for brunch, I call him daddy Rick even though its more like mother Rick, then a friend is taking me to a party and then who knows. Probably home to bed cause Ill be old then. LOL Sunday Im going to the beach then to the law library to do some homework.
I talked to My ex Chris tonight for while. She has really grown up in the year we have been broken up. She says she finally realized how much she hurt me and so wants to make up for it. Im watching her dogs for her for the weekend while she is with her grandparents and when I picked up the dogs she kept saying that she was so sorry that I am sad. She really just wants to see me happy. Contrary to the belief of others. It was so nice to have her back as a friend. Just a friend. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me anymore and that I was a big girl and she said she knew but felt as though it was the least she could do considering she was such an asshole for such a long time. I could'nt disagree with her her about that. It really made me feel good. Tonight we talked about all the things she did when we were together. The lying, cheating and making me doubt myself. She admitted to eveything and that I had been right all along. She said that the reason she lied was that she didn't know how to be honest and that by lying about it she thought she was making things easier for me and it didn't occur to her till recently that the honest thing would have been to come clean and not have done them to begin with. It was really relieving to hear from the horses mouth that it wasn't my fault, that I had been right, my instincts weren't wrong and to get an apology. I realize I am very fortunate to be able to have a relationship with her again and to get answeres to questions that were in the back of my mind. It is just one more layer off that has to be dealt with. I think that it was a very nice presant for her to give me.Damn its after midnight im 39 now. wow. last year in the 30's

comfortably numb

Just woke up from sleeping all day. Still a little woosey though. My friend Rick has me at his house and he is cooking. I cant wait to eat havent had anything solid since Monday night. This demorol is WOW!!! Never had it before, my friend that was with me said we were having a nice long conversation when I came out. Said I chatted with the Dr. and nurses. God I hope I did get myself into trouble.lol I dont remember anything but wanting to put my clothes on and get the heck out of there.I already had my boxers on before they took out the I.V. She said the Dr. said eveyting looked good and we just have to wait to get the biopces back. My throat is a little sore but the other end is o.k. I sound like I just finished smoking a pack of cigs but at least Im not walking funny. Did I mention that Demerol is WOW!! still a little funky but at least it numbed not just my body but my mind as well. I think Im going to go back to sleep until dinner.

No Fun

This morning I have an event that I am so looking forward to, NOT I have to go get a colonoscopy and a endoscopy (spelling?) done. I guess this means they are getting me coming and going! LOL Anywho at leaast this will put some of the questions to rest. The Dr. thinks it is either bacteria living in me that I picked up in europe or( I just couldnt have brought back a post card) or the fact that I lived in a mold infested house for about 8 months. At least this will narrow that down!!I HOPE !!! Anywho I hate hospitals and I hate being knocked out so this is no fun. I am a little scared but from what I hear this is no big dal. Hell if I can do a heart cathiter this is a piece of cake. Right? Anywho when I get back and am not drugged up Ill write again. At least I hear Ill get good drugs that will help numb me

Tick Tick Tick

Thinking alot today about where I want to be in five years.What can I do to put myself headed in that direction. I want to be in a career, I want to have a child. Those are the top two. The first is something I want within the next year. The second is something I want within the next 2 years. Having a child is something that I have always wanted but have always put on hold because my partner wasnt ready. Something I have discovered is that I dont want to wait for someone else anymore. I want to do this when I am ready and that is going to be soon. I wanted to be married so my partner and I could do this together but I dont know if that is in the cards. I do know that I am getting up there in age and I dont want to wait to long and regret it later. I guess that biological clock is ticking away. I have a good friend that wants to be the father so in the next year we are going to start the process. I would think I should be scared and there is a little of that but it is mostly excitement. Have talked to alot of friends, those with kids those without, and thankfully I have not gotten anything but support. Except from Janet who always plays the devils advocate and has to " go deeper". I think she is trying to take the psycho therapists job. lol I watch those commercials on t.v for baby toys and I get all chocked up. Anyway I still have to wait to see how the next year is going to play out. Whenever my I used to get these urges one of my ex's would get another kitten for me to take care of. I dont want anymore animals!

The play party

So I went to the party with Paul. I felt as though I had to just because he had bought the tickets but also to see if there was anything there that I would be interested in. We got there late, or on time if you go by gay standard time, to enter into a bizarre environment. It was a play party so I knew what I was getting into ahead of time but I felt so out of place there. Paul said that I just needed a good beating to help release all that stuff I was carrying around. Paul looks at that lifestyle in a spiritual sense. I used to be able to see things that way, I used to be able to use that lifestyle as a release, as a way to get in touch with my emotions. There is a place called head space that submissive go. To be able to fall into a roll and run with it if you will. The other head space is referred to where a sub goes when they are in the middle of a scene. When the endorphines are being released and the energy is flowing. Sometimes it is referred to as flying. That's the place Im afraid to go. Im not sure as to why. Maybe I've grown so I don't need that maybe Im just scared or maybe I've just found a balance. The last time I visited that place was about 6 1/2 years ago. I had just gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship that sent me spinning. Anywho my friends in the scene and I got together and we had a cleaning ceremony. Without going into too many details Ill just say that it sent me into a space that I wasn't sure I was going to come back from. At the party with Paul I couldn't get into any kind of head space. There were a few that wanted me to play with them, where they would be submissive to me but I didn't want any part of that either. I tried but just couldn't. I think Paul would say Im just not ready to have fun. I ended up leaving about 1/2 hour after I got there. I think that maybe that's a part of my life that I have out grown. At one point in my life I was that person. I was a submissive that loved to play and had an identity of that. That isn't part of who I am now. I enjoy to some extent saving some of that lifestyle in my personal life but I don't need to take it to the extremes that I used to. A little bit can be very HOT!! I often think back to a Valentines Day gift that still brings a smile to my face and a flush to my cheeks. :) Anyway there isn't anyone that I want to participate in that kind of activity with. Well, there is but that isn't an option. I digress, After thinking a little more I think that using that was a way to not only get in touch with my feelings but rushing them away. Feel the hurt, put a physical manifestation to it, release it, be done with it. I don't like to hurt and as P.T. said trying to push the water down the river. Possibly this is the balance that I am constantly searching for. That and maybe I figured being Florida Leather boi wouldn't be something I could put on my resume as community service.

Hard day

Today has been a hard day. Woke up this morning and just didnt want to get out of bed, so I didnt. I have friends in town for the weekend for a rugby tourney so I forced myself into getting up and taking the motorcycle out to watch them play. I had to get out of the house. I spent a couple of hours hanging out with them reminising about my old glory rugby days at FSU and then decided to go riding. Usually when I go out riding it gives me a chance to clear my head, get my thoughts straight and to just enjoy. Not today. For the first time this didnt happen. I was just out just to get out and it didnt bring me any joy. A frend called me and said I was near his house so I should stop by and see him and we could go riding together. I really didnt want to the only thing I really wanted to do was go home and go back to bed. He was persistant and I had promised him I would go with him to a party tonight so I agreed to meet him. we went for a ride which helped keep my find focused just because he likes to ride fast and I have to pay attention. After lunch and some conversation we met up with some people for the party tonight. I dont want to do anything but stay home. I told my frends in town that I would go out with them tonight, I told Paul I would go to this party with him and Rick wants me to come over later on. Over booked and no desire to do anything. Paul says I need to keep busy but I just dont want to right now. I Maybe I just need a nap.

All Done

Went to the law library tonight to do some research on an assignment that isn't due until Monday. No big deal you might be saying but this is incredible for me. Not only did I finish the assignment tonight but I also did it before Sunday night or Monday morning!!! I know that this is how things are supposed to be done but I am attempting at putting a little more discipline into my life. I see a goal and instead of sitting back and waiting for it to come to me I am finally taking steps to change behavior that would have sabotaged it before. Some goals for myself that I have set: 1) to not miss any more than 3 classes each this semester. 2) to complete all assignments at least 2 days before they are actually due. 3) To be working in a law firm before the end of next month 4) to get to the beach at least twice a month. 5)put aside at least 4 hours a week for studying for the LSAT. 6) feeling better so I can start to drink again!!! That one isn't quite as important but I really do miss it. I haven't been feeling well for a while so I quit the booze because of that and also because I don't like to drink when Im not happy. I know it doesn't help it just makes things worse. 7) improving on my time management skills. Anywho those are a few of my goals for myself over the next 3 months. So far so good.

the calm

A calmness today that I havent felt in a while. Something finally clicked today. I had been asked before what would I do if a friend or a my dog was hurting. I answered anything to make them feel better. I was then asked when I looked in the mirror what did I see? I answered I dont look in the mirror only when Im getting ready to go out. I was then asked if i looked in the mirror what would I see. I replied sadness. (This was all before the break up) I was then asked why I would give to my friends and even my dog the love to feel better yet I wouldnt extend that to myself? Good question. Maybe I didnt feel I was worthy of it,maybe I didnt know how, maybe i just never thought of it in the way. I had basically come out of being in relationships for 10 years. The past six years of that trying so hard to get the love I desperately wanted and trying to give the kind of love I was wanting. What clicked today, and I dont know why it happened today, was that I need to love myseslf. So much of my pain has been because I wasnt able to give or get the love that I was looking for. Only because I had been looking in the wrong place. I have been trying to figure out what to do to make myself happy but I also need to love myself. To be able to give to myself the love that I am trying to give to another.I am so willing to give that to another and leave nothing for myself.I know that this isnt going to take away the hurt or make eveything better but i do know that it is o.k. and that I will be o.k. It really is o.k.

broken

I love talking to my friend Lori. She knows me so well and has always been there for me. Always! When my grandfather died, when A left me, when C and I broke up and now. She knows things and she has yet to be wrong about them with me. She is not afraid to tell me the Gods honest truth even though it might hurt my feeling or not be what I want to hear. We have been having long discussions and she so knows what I am going through right now. She said the pain i am feeling is not just because of this,not because of C but I was broken with A. This was the woman that
I was engaged to get married to, I moved to a foreign country to spend the rest of my life with her just to have her break up with me over the phone while I was back in the states for the summer and have the girl she was cheating on me with move in the day I was gone. I had met C when A and I were still together but we were just friends. I ran right from A to C. No time to heal from a 3 1/2 year relationship but straight into what turned out into a almost a six year relationship. Needless to say when that relationship ended poorly it was a double whammy. I was now facing the hurt that I was feeling from C but also the hurt that i had been avoiding from A. Although getting with C right after A made dealing with the break up easier it enabled me to not get a clear picture about what happened and I wasnt able to mend my heart I just filled in the gap with another love from someone else. Even though it was a long time ago when C and I broke up it brouht back all the thoughts and emotions just I didnt realize it until now that I was never mended. Lori also told me that when you are broken anything good hurts. I can really undestand now. I am trying to fill my heart now with love for myself. it is a hard thing to do, trying to manuver the hurt out and put happiness back in. Lori also shared with me the experience she had. She said that when things ended with her wife that she was broken and a wonderful woman came into her life. Although she loved her dearly it wasnt enough because she was broken. She couldnt accept the good as perfect as it seemed because it just hurt to much. She was still breaking up with her wife and it hurt her because she wanted to give this woman eveything she thought she deserved but just couldnt. It hurt her because she so despertly wanted to but just couldnt. I dont know why A and I didnt work out, but i now know why C and I didnt work out and i a understand now why this last one didnt workout. It didnt have anything to do with the love we had for each other we couldnt see the forest through the trees.

I Wonder

Originally written on the 19th but I decided to sit on it. Decided to publish this one and the other two I had saved in drafts.I decided to follow my own advise that i gave to Lynn. write what you need, write whats on your mind, write to get it out
My friend Lori say it comes in waves with me. Its how my heart works. How well she knows me. I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I guess the events of yesterday and not sleeping well last night caught up with me. Alot of things are running through my mind. I wonder if i pulled away to far,if she is o.k., if she is ever going to call, if she is trying to heal from the last girl that broke her heart with the hope maybe one day we will find our way back, if she is angry with me, does she know that the space she had in my heart is still open,why she is doing things like this, if she knows how much I love her, does she still love me as much as she did,that I am not trying to do anything but respect her wishes, if she knows i am trying to heal too, if she still dreams about me, if those dreams have changed, if she knows I still dream about her. I know i cant call no matter how badly I want, I know I cant go see her no matter how much it hurts not to. This is what she wants and has asked for, she needs to be the first one to make a move.I wonder if she is staying away because she misses me as much as I miss her. I miss her so much.I wonder if she wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to her, I wonder if she blames me, if thats what she needs so be it. I thought by taking the rest of the things back that it would help put closure on things, that I wouldnt think of her everytime I used a dish, or put on a pair of shorts. (I really did like those shorts even though they were a little big they still looked cute.)I thought by doing that it would help me relieve some hurt. Looking deeper I guess I dont want to bring it to an end because i dont think it has to end. I just want to find a way to let us have the space to heal without burning any bridges. Maybe Im giving the wrong messages, maybe i need to stop worrying about things and just try to get through the day.
My friend J told me that all those things dont matter. She said that all that matters is what is. For whatever reasons this is what she is choosing for herself and it will only drive me crazy to wonder or question why. Now I have to choose to stop asking. I can choose the state of mind I am in. She said it only takes 17 secs of thinking positive to turn those thoughts into a physical reaction. It sounded kinda Shirley McClainish to me but she is pretty knowledgeable about that stuff so what the hell. O.k I gave it 17 seconds of thinking about Chloe. How when I was up there the last time she wanted to sleep in the bed with me. How she wrapped her little arms around me and fell asleep. Kids are so great. I cant wait to have one. It helped for those 17 seconds but my mind went right back to missing her. Lets try again...at least 17 secs of thinking about the last time she fell asleep with her head on my lap. Maybe I should try thinking of something else.

Long day

Had a very long day today.I guess it started back on Sat. night with the horrible loss of FSU. Then it kept on getting better and better. (hint of sarcasm) At least I got a glimmer of good news. My friend that had the stroke and was predicted to die decided to surprise everyone and it looks as though he is going to pull through. He is going to have to go through alot of physical therapy but that is nothing considering the alternative...Just like Daddy Doug to make eveything a production! Well since Im not going up to Atlanta for a reunion and a funeral my good friends in Jackson are insisting that I come up there to see them. Kasi is a long time friend and we both agree that the only time we see each other is at a funeral or when I need to run somewhere to get away. When I called her the other day one of her daughters answered the phone. Chloe is 11 going on 21. We had about a 45 min. conversation, reminising about when she was little. The last time I saw her was at her fathers funeral about 6 years ago. She was and is so funny. We used to sit in the hottub together and one of our conversations went like this. Chloe pointing at my breasts.. "those are big, mine are small". I replied one day they will be larger. she then asked how much bigger?" I said I didnt know but I imagined due to genitics and stuff about the same size as her mothers. She nodded her head and thought for a minute then looked me straight in the eyes and said "when"? Out of the mouths of babes. She of course agreed with her mother that it had been to long since they had seen me and she informed me if I came up she would cook me dinner. She had been taking cooking classes and not only would she cook me a wonderful dinner but if i came up for my birthday she would bake me a cake. (My b-day is the 30th of this month) tempting as that may be sadly I wont be able to go up this month but its possible next month I will be able to arrange it. She has a sister Lucy that is just as advanced. She is in 8th grade but when she was younger she had this little boyfriend that had a huge crush on her. When she would take a nap she would have him sit outside her room with a sign that said " quiet princess sleeping. I wonder where she got that from mom? Anywho the reason for all these stories is that it brings a smile to my face. They have for a long time now been trying to convince me to move up there. Rennee(Kasi's wife), Kasi. Lucy and Chloe have said numerous times that there is a open room for me whenever I want it. I think a visit is more in order now than a move.
My best friend that lives in Laguna CA has been also trying to get me out there as well. She threw out the offer the other day to move out there. I was welcome in their house as long as I would like and they would even get me hooked up with a job.
Then to make matters even more intresting a a friend of mine that lives in Colorado wants me to come out there to live with her and her new partner.
One last one, my friends in Denmark have again offered up their house and job opportunities
Tons of options but picking up and moving isnt what I want for me right now. I just started back in school and have 2 more semesters ahead of me. I dont want anymore sudden changes in my life either. I am working on alot of different things and I dont want to bite off more than I can chew. Also I dont want to run. I want to be able to work through this break up and the easiest way is to face it with the support of my friends. I know that where ever I go Ill take my thoughts with me. I just feel very fortunate that I have such good friends that are so supportive of me. They dont give me advise on what to do or how to handle this they just listen and say whatever I do they will support me. There are no "you should's" or " you shouldnt's" Tonight after class I was driving home and called Rick to see what was going on. The first thing he said was "you sound down girl come on home and eat dinner." After dinner while his husband watched football he just listened. He listened to how I was upset that I had just taken the last remaining things I had of hers over to her house. He listened to me explain that I felt I had to do it in order to let go and that it hurt but it was something I felt I had to do because eveytime I saw them I thought of her. All he did was listen and say whatever happens you will be o.k. I know you are hurting right now but you will bounce back. Whatever happens happens for a reason.He did tell me to do one thing. He said I had to eat more. I lost 2 more pounds. Losing about 2 pounds a week down to 144. Havent seen this since I was about 20. He said that i looked fabolous,. I told him if you are going to feel like crap you might as well look good.Then he gave me a hug and more chicken.. Gotta love the Southern Way of dealing with things:)

Something Different Tonight

Sitting here on the sofa watching the Bowden Bowl. Florida State against Clemson. GO SEMINOLES!!! Thats Florida State for those of you who dont know.I had alot of offers to go do something but tonight but I just feel like doing laundry, watching the game, relaxing, and going to bed early. How weird!?!?! Its a Sat. night and I want to do laundry?!?! I can forget trying to relax becuase FSU is playing like crap right now and Im screaming at the t.v. like they can hear me.University of Florida is playing Tennessee so I am flipping back and forth between commercials trying to see what the Gators are doing. I went to FSU my step-dad went to tennessee and my step-brother went to Florida. Talk about a house divided!! Anywho... cant believe its a Sat. night and Im sitting at home cause I want too.. WOW. Three different offers to go to clubs, three different offers to watch the games, and an offer to go to a play. I wonder if this is what they call personal growth? I usually try to keep going so much that I dont have any time to just be. I have to keep my mind focused on something to not think, I want people around so I can focus on something else. If ever I went idel I would ponder and analyze. Not tonight. Tonight I am looking forward to going to bed early, tonight Im not worried about my dreams, tonight Im going to let my dog sleep on the bed tonight and cuddle with her. She is an awsome spooner

. Thats her there my baby girl!! Tonight I am going to let my brain, heart and soul just be. Tonight I am going to do something different.

Goals

Had a really long day today. Trying so hard to keep busy that I am running myself down a little bit. I was at work at my part time job at 0630 until 1130 then went right to my full time job. My body quickly reminded me that I can work those long days but I have to have a good nights sleep before I try that. I had only 5 1/2 hours each night for the past two nights and I know better than that. Tomorrow is going to be another long day but at least Ill be going to bed shortly. School is coming along great!! Granted this is only going to be the third week coming up but I dont see it as being an issue at all. I finally feel as though I am setteled down and determined to get my life going in the direction that is better for me. I have certain goals that I want to accomplish and these are the first steps in making that happen. Before I had always been working towards a goal for someone else and I think this is the first time that I am doing it for me. I remember my first relationship and her mother asking me what I wanted to do in life. I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. When she asked me why the first reason that came out of my mouth was so I could take care of her in the manner she was acostumed.
Prety much every relationship I had I have been asked why law and the response was pretty much the same. If you were to ask me now why law I would tell you because that is where my passion lies. My mother told me I always said I wanted to be a lawyer a stock trader or a train engineer. Somewhere along the way I lost that and was setteling. Im not accepted in law school yet but I am getting my paralegal degree so I can work in the legal field while I decide if I want to go on to law school or if I will be content with not going.The point is whatever I decide to do it will be a decission on what I want.

change

After talking tonight I figured out some things about myself that in my opinion are long overdue. There is a sense of frustration that it took me so long to finally get it. I spent some time talking to my ex of 6 years discussing some of my issues. Can you believe it she had alot of the same issues with me as this last woman had? She said that she felt I didnt listen to her either that I tried so hard to make things o.k. that I didnt hear what she had to say or what she was asking for. I guess you can see the mountain clearer when you are miles away as oppossed to standing on top of it. I have discovered that I tried so hard to give them what I thought was the answer of course I couldnt hear what was being said. I had all the fix it answers in my hand and when it was being refused I tried even harder to make it work.Then couldnt understand why my love wasnt enough. The answer I have come up with is that in order to hear better in the future I need to not try to heal others, to listen to what is being asked of me, to listen to what I am asking for myself. Who knows if this woman and I are going to work things out.All I know is that I have to heal so I dont do the same thing again with the next person that comes into my life weather it is her or someone else. Of course my heart still hurts for this woman and I miss her very much but there is a sense of peace knowing that I am not responsible for her happiness. Not because we arent together anymore but because Im really not responsible for her happiness. I can only be responsible for mine. I have made so many changes in my life recently and I am doing so many things differntly it is amazing to me. I can actually see where I am taking steps towards making me happy. Im not falling into old patterns or even wanting to. Im not numbing the pain but taking steps to correct the behavior that creates the pain. While this is scary and unfamiliar territory it is a good thing. I dont know quite where I am going but I do know it is away fom where I was and that will make me a more loving, compassionate, understanding and healthy person not only for someone else but more importantly for myself.

letting go

After pondering, being stubborn and beating a dead horse I am absolutely exhausted. I have spent a great deal of emotion and energy trying to make sense out of why she doesnt want to be with me. Not only that but also in this process I am again not listening to what she is saying.Its not that I didnt want to listen I was just not able to hear what she was saying. I was hearing I dont want to be with you. What is important was that I was missing the point. It doesnt matter if I think she wants this or not. What matters is that once again I am being asked for something. She is asking me to let go, to give her time and space. Doesnt matter if she is doing it for me, for her or for both of us. The point is she is asking me for something and I need to give it to her no matter how much I dont want to. It makes more sense now, she cant have her space when she feels I am hanging on like a pitbull to a bone. I have been doing basically the same thing that had upset her before. I wasnt listening. She had said many times before that she needs to feel tha she is being heard.So now I am listening, now I am hearing. Even though what is being asked of me is the hardest thing in the world. I guess the saying goes if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours if not it never was. Letting go doesnt mean that I am going to stop loving her ot take away my sadness, it just means that it will give us both a chance to heal. I once said that I would do anything in the world for her now is a chance to prove it.

ENOUGH ALL FUCKING READY!!!

Warning: I know the latest blogs have been mind vomit spewing out all over this site but this is probably just as bad.
I have been told that God doesnt give you more than you can handel but I feel as thoughhe is testing me. First the woman I love with all I am decides to call it off, then I get phone calls from my other ex with money issues, my health is getting better but not 100% yet, Aunt Flo came to visit, now I just received a phone call from a friend telling me a long time friend just had a massive stoke and they dont expect him to live through the night. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! there have been times today that I thought I was losing my mind! (I know I wont cause nobody else would claim it)Then to top it all off all this morbidity today because of 9-11.
Looking at this sudden events it shows me how fragile and precious life is. It brings home the issues of my mortality. It wants me to live life to the fullest and to tell those close to me how much I love them. At the same time it depresses me. It makes me sad that there has to be struggles. It makes me sad to loose a friend that I cant get back. It makes me sad to lose a lover that might not come back and it makes me sad in general to be sad. Tonight I am going to spend some time with a friend that is like a brother.I often call him my brother just because if I were to have a biological one I would want him to be it. We are going to spend time talking about our good ol days, crying together about our friend Doug, we called him Daddy, crying about my other loss and looking at pictures of his wedding. Might as well end the night on a good note.

Just Because

Just because you try to pretend Im not here, Im not going away.
Just because you try to pretend you dont love me you still will.
Just because you want to make things easier for me this is not
If you need time take it but that doesnt mean we cant still have love
Just beause you are scared, and confusd doesnt mean that you have to leave.
Just because you feel as though you have lost yourself doesnt mean that that it is for good.
Just because one horrible person hurt you doesnt mean that everyone will.
Just because you dont know what to do dont push me away.

Listen to your heart. what does it say? Do you really want me to go away?
Listen to your heart. It is speaking to you. Telling you what you need to do.
Listen to your heart. My love is speaking, telling it not to give up or push me away.

maybe you dont want me to love you, maybe you dont think you are deserving but i cant take back something I have already given. I cant take back my love for you. Maybe it is because I dont want to. You can pretend all you want that this is how you want things to be but I dont believe it. You can pretend when you are out with your friends that you are happy Im not there. Do you think about me as much as I think about you? I think about you during the day, you are on my mind when I go to sleep at night and then again in my dreams so when I wake up you are the first thing I think about.Why do you think this is easier? None of this makes any sense. You said to think outside myself. This wasnt about me. Maybe it isnt about me but it is affecting me. You dont have to push me away to heal. doesnt it hurt more trying to ignore something that you feel so strong? this cant be easier or for the better. I miss you so much. I miss:
talking to you on the phone before you go to sleep and tucking you in over the phone. waking up next to you when we did spend the night. just touching you on the leg when we are driving. Just being near you not having to talk about anything. Our motorcycle rides. cooking dinner for you. the look in your eyes when I do something nice for you. How you bite your bottom lip when we kiss. You falling asleep with your had in my lap while I rub your head. Watching you dance out at the club. sitting on the sofa with the baby stretched out between us having to be in the middle, hearing you say you love me, holding each other after a long day, the butterflies i get in my belly when you touch me, seeing the spark in your eyes when you talk about how the kids got something, seeing you laugh, making me laugh, having fun with you, seeing the look in your eyes when I touch you, seeing you roll your eyes when i get on my political soap box and telling me to get a career, i miss all this and more.

my wish for her

My wish for her:
is to have a good night sleep without the nightmares that consume her slumber
is to have peace knowing she did not deserve the treatment she got.
is that one day she will believe she is deserving of all the love that is given .
is that she will realize that love can be unconditional.
is that she will learn that she has all the love inside her to give back but right now it is just burried
is to one day believe that she can trust again
is that she will realize that no matter what I will be there for her
is that she will one day know that real love doesnt go away and expect it not to
is that one day she will let herself take a chance
is that she will know she doesnt have to push me away because she will know she isnt going to get hurt
is to believe that she is safe when she is in my arms
is for her to realize that sometimes it is o.k to take until you can give. everyone needs help sometime.
is that she can find happiness within herself
I think the most important wish I have is that she can find it within to forgive just because her heart is to beautiful and delicate to hold all that inside.

redo

/

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

10% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

This has to be wrong. Im a florida cracker!!

happiness

To make your self happy is probably the hardest thing in life to do although one would think it should be the easiest. When you have always made yourself happy by making others happy it is a great adventure to figure out how to return that favor to yourself. I have recently moved into my own apartment, started on a study path for having the career that I want and started to put my wants, and desires into action. testing the waters trying to find out what I like and what I dont. Hopefully as Im on this journey of discovery I will be able to share this experience with the woman that I love. Hopefully she will also be embarking on this journey for herself and we will be able to meet somewhere and share the wonderful happiness that we have found.

women

I dont know how you straight boys do it!! Being a woman and I cant figure us out I dont know how they expect you to. Reminds me of the old joke... How do you make a woman happy? Bring flowers, tell her how beautiful, intelligent, loving and wonderful she is, make her feel special and the center of your world. How do you make a guy happy? Come naked and bring beer ( or in Sorted's case vodka lol) Anyway there can be no denying the emotional complexities of women. As much as I might complain about it I wouldnt change it for the world. I love the emotional connection that as women have. Even though it can be frustrating and brain racking at times it is incredible. Now Im not saying you guys arent emotional but maybe as a whole not like women. If you were there wouldnt be any more balcony bingo at Parliment House. Heaven Help Us All!!! lol

time

So Im told to listen to my heart. My head tells me what I heard was to move on, anyone would say that it is plain and simple. Not very much room for misinterpretation. My heart doesnt believe it. I dont believe that this is really what she wants. Deep down inside I believe that she wants to be able to be with me, deep down inside I believe she is in love wih me. I think that is why I got a phone call instead of a talking about it face to face. She couldnt do it when I could see her eyes. Maybe I am wrong about this but I dont think I am. Im not angry anymore about this, I respect her a great deal for having the strength, courage and respect for me to do this. She needs some time to do what she has to do. She probabably believes this is the best thing to do for her and for me. I think that she believes by doing this she can save me some pain and she doesnt want me to be hurt anymore by her. I understand that she needs the freedom to do what she has to do without worrying that it is going to hurt me. Last night some friends asked me out and I decided to go. I saw her out. I wanted to talk to her so bad that at times I had to literally command my feet to move in the other direction. She needs space and time to figure things out and Im not going to impose on her. Because I love her so much I will respect her wishes and there will come a day that we will talk and I can find out if Im wrong. I have decided to follow her instructions. I am going to move on with my life. What that means for me is that Im going to continue working on myself. I have a lot on my plate right now. I am also going to take this as an opportunity to fix some issues that need fixing with myself. As I previously said I can be a caregiver. I want to fix things and I like to make people happy. I also tend to draw my happiness from making people happy and by fixing things. It is a role I have had all my life. Being responsible for taking care of others and for making sure they are happy. Even though it is role that is comfortable or me I realize now that it is destined to make me unhappy. I cant be responsible for someone elses happiness I can only be responsible for mine. I realize that I have to find my happiness with what makes me happy. When we broke up I felt like a failure. I failed at being able to make her happy and I failed at making the relationship work. I know now that it hadand has nothing to do with me. So Im moving on trying to figure out what makes me happy. Im spending time with friends, spending time alone, and spending time figuring out what I like.

Here ya go

DAMNIT TO HELL!! I cant sleep! Been up for about 4 hours now but at least my dog is happy. I let her get up on the bed which is rare so she is enjoying this right now. I have a huge day ahead of me. I got a few leads to a job which is a good thing. I have one now but all it is just a job not a career. I have to update my resume, submit it, and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I need to get focus on where I am headed in my life. I know any journey starts with a single step. So here goes that step. I see this as an adventure, another one of lifes little here ya go's. I call it here ya go's cause its one of those times that you are handed an opportunity and you can go whichever way you choose. Im choosing to run with this one and see where this path leads me. If nothing else it can be a great ride even better than an E ticket at Disney.

had to change

couldnt take it anymore. I had to move my account over to the regular blog from blog beta now i can comment and so can you. thank god!!!

nite nite time

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

nite- nite time
it is bed time for me but i cant seem to shut my brain off so I decided to come and write. I had been told this was very theraputic and I have to agree. This is an incredible outlet that I can just let my mind go and vent. Hopefully later down the line not only will my writing improve but it can be of a happier subject matter. Im sure it will. I feel so much hurt and sadness inside right now. It keeps trying to manifest itself in anger and I am trying to fight that off. I dont want to be angry. Anger comes easier for me because I am trying to shut out the pain.I have an account on myspace and I pretty much butchered it today. It was right after I had talked to her so I was in the heat of the moment. I dont want to loose her as a friend but I dont want her as just a friend either. I dont think she can be just my friend either. We did have chemistry. I know I shouldnt even be thinking about the future but I cant help but believe that we will be together again one day.I guess that might make me a little crazy. As a good friend wrote and this time I have to agree with her " its not meeting the right person it is meeting them at the right time". I wish God would send me down his watch so I can get a better idea of his timing. I can say that the one improvement was I actually got up went to school and carried on with my day. Previously I would have been so upset that I would have blown off everything I was supposed to do and basiclly say fuck it. I guess I have had some improvements in my life.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 9:53 PM

time to sort

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


So the last post was a first reaction now i have had time to sort. Im still angry/hurt, im still confused and I still want to find a way to work things out. Although I know that what she did was probably the most fair thing to do, for not only herself but for me as well. As much as I could see us being together , as much as I believed this could work it takes two. I cant compete with the memories that she carries from her past and I shouldnt have to. I can believe in something with all my heart but I cant believe for both of us. I know what is meant to be will be. I just have to believe that eveything she has told me has been true. I have to believe that she wants to give me eveything I would like but cant right now. I have to believe that she is making a decission based on what is best not just using this an excuse because she doesnt want to be with me. She always said that she believed I would leave her one day well that belief came true but it didnt have to. So where do I go from here? I respect her wishes. I dont make a scene, I dont try to convince her to take me back, I dont try to seduce her, I dont play games, I dont close myself off no matter how much I want to. There are some questions that I have and maybe one day I can get them answered but not today. Those are some of the things I dont do. What I can do is pick up an extra class in school, work a little more, get a job in the area that I actually want a career in, spend more time with my dog, spend some quality time with good friends, go motorcycle riding, give her the space she needs to figure out her issues, spend some time alone. I mean really alone. I believe that things dont happen to us they just happen and how we react is the most important. I cant control what other people do but I can control how I react. I love this woman very much and that wont disappear overnight. I dont want it to. Now I need some time to heal. Not to stop loving but to stop being sad.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 5:40 PM

some mindless hurt, angry rambeling

So I guess my mind doesnt have to spin anymore. I got the dear John or Dear joanie phone call today. " I have been thinking alot and I think you should just move on. You arent happy and I cant give you what you want or need and it isnt fair to keep you dragging along because I dont know how long it will take." All she could say was she was sorry. That makes two of us. I guess I got a phone call cause she couldnt do this face to face. Thanks for the consideration. NOT!!! The deep thinking should have happened before you said it was safe to give you my heart, the deep thinking should have come before you said you loved me and could see a future with us, before you listed out all the reasons that you loved me, before you figured out that you couldnt do this. Bitter party of one? No not bitter just very hurt, we have all been there before. I know life will go on and I know there will be someone else yet at the expense of sounding like a spoiled brat I dont want anyone else. I wanted this to be the last time. I really believed that this was going to be it. I know she didnt do this on purpose, I know that she loves me, I know that it isnt me and just the circumstances, I know that in time this will heal as well, I know that if we are meant to be we will, I know that what I am feeling isnt anger just an incredible amount of hurt that stems from not only her but past issues needed to be dealt with. I know all these things and more but my heart and head arent really communicating right now. I had been told to follow my heart and not listen so much to my head, well I did and look where it got me.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 9:08 AM

tug of war

So this is pretty much how I feel inside. I go back and forth trying to find that delicate balance between letting her know that I'm going to be there and the other side of protecting myself. How do I help make her feel safe and yet keep my heart from being torn apart like the head of that poor pooh bear? Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe distance shows that I'm not going to be there. Should I put the ball in her court and give her the control? There are so many questions and I cant seem to come up with the answers. I just want to do the right thing. Not just for her but for me as well. To give up now would seem to me as abandoning her when she needs me the most. Not that I can fix her but she does need to feel as though she has support, security , acceptance and love especially from the woman she loves. I get really frustrated because I feel as though I don't know what to do. I want my mind to stop spinning. I used to believe that I needed to get answers to the questions to stop the spinning but maybe I just need to stop asking questions. JUST LET IT GO!! That's what I need to keep reminding myself. This weekend we are going away and I think we just need to have a great time. Get some sun, maybe go dancing, see a museum, sleep in, take a bubble bath, just be. No serious conversations, no questions, no analyzing, nothing but just being together.

the dance

The dance. Thats what a good friend calls it. She says that is what the relationship activity between two people really is just a dance. One person does something then the other person reacts. There has to be chemistry between the two or else they would just choose another partner and move on. She says that even though the two dancers might be stepping on each others feet they are still dancing and instead of getting another partner maybe they should change the steps or the music. In my situation my feet are getting sore from being stepped on yet it never occured to me to change the music. Recently the dance step has been me getting rejected if you will and then I pursue which in turn creates the reaction from the other side to repel which makes me pursue even more. I know not a vey pleasant dance but it is one that I am very familiar with the steps.The other part is that the steps are very familiar to the other as well and we are both getting the reaction the other expects and is used to. I guess the mind cant tell what is memory and what is happening in the present especially when still healing from the past. I suppose the catch here is to figure out how to change the music. I have a few ideas, not having expectations. Disappointment comes from expectations not being met. Another thing is maybe focusing on not taking things personal. It is so easy for me to do that and the reality is that it has nothing to do with what is happening. People dont do things to me they do things for themselves and if i happen to be involved thats just how it is. Also I need to keep focusing on making myself happy. The woman I love is not the sourse of my happiness just someone I am sharing that with.

political phone calls

So Im laying on a friends sofa, in the middle of the movie Munich, when my phone rings. It is almost 900 P.M. so I figured I should answer it. Is it my mom? No. Is it a good friend calling to say hello? No. Its a republican canidate running for office, trying to get my vote!! It was not even a real person but a computer generated call!! The call wasnt even made at a reasonable time. I wish I had stayed on the phone longer to find out who it was so I would not vote for him. If you want my vote you have to be a bit more creative than just annoying, insulting and just plain unimagainative campaigning. Whats next mass emails?

first time

i guess this would actually be my second time. lol i am new to this area of blogging, i have an account on myspace but I have grwon increasingly intrested in this blogspot. I have a few friends that have been doing this for a while but it was not until recently that my curiosity was sparked. So now I believe that I am getting sucked in. I was always told of the theroputic benefits of keeping a journal but maybe playing on the computer was just the motivation I needed to try this out.

glutton for punishment?

So here it is... i have been dating this girl for about eight months and I am absolutely crazy about her. Whats the catch you ask? When we met she had only been out of a horrible relationship for about two weeks. TWO WEEKS?? some of you might be saying.. yes two weeks. To throw a couple more irons into the fire I had only been out of a six year relationship for three months. I know some might be thinking doomed from the start; that thought had even crossed my mind many times but I believe that people are put into our lives for a reason at the right time. So where is the problem you ask (if you didnt already think you found the answer in the previous sentences.)? The issue is that we stopped calling it a relationship about a month ago. Without going into all the sordid little details lets just say that I wasnt taking care of certain responsibilities that would make her feel like a priority so she called our "relationship" off. Well I took care of what needed to be done and we started to see each other again with the understanding that she needs time to heal some of the old wounds that she is still carrying from the last girl she dated and the understanding we took things slow. We both realize that we each have issues that we dont want to put on the other. Which brings us to the name of this blog. My big "issue" is that I am a caretaker. I want to make things O.K. I realize I cant fix her and that whatever she needs to do she has to do for herself but I have to wonder why I have again put myself in this situation? My last relationship I was the caretaker and so much of my pain came from not being able to make my partner happy. I setteled for not getting my needs met in order to try to accomodat another. I believe the label they have for that is co-dependent:) anywho... I find myself in that position again. My needs are not being met here. I want to spend time with her, I want her to be able to comfort me when I have had a bad day, I want to be able to comfort her,I want to feel that she is in love with me as much as I am with her, I want to feel as though we are working towards a future together, I want security. Right now I understand that she has nothing to give, that right now she is totally stripped. The question I have is how long do I wait? How long am I patient, understanding and loving? How long do I keep putting myself out there with no guarantees? I would like to say as long as it takes because I love her but I have to question how long.