Tuesday, September 12, 2006
letting go
After pondering, being stubborn and beating a dead horse I am absolutely exhausted. I have spent a great deal of emotion and energy trying to make sense out of why she doesnt want to be with me. Not only that but also in this process I am again not listening to what she is saying.Its not that I didnt want to listen I was just not able to hear what she was saying. I was hearing I dont want to be with you. What is important was that I was missing the point. It doesnt matter if I think she wants this or not. What matters is that once again I am being asked for something. She is asking me to let go, to give her time and space. Doesnt matter if she is doing it for me, for her or for both of us. The point is she is asking me for something and I need to give it to her no matter how much I dont want to. It makes more sense now, she cant have her space when she feels I am hanging on like a pitbull to a bone. I have been doing basically the same thing that had upset her before. I wasnt listening. She had said many times before that she needs to feel tha she is being heard.So now I am listening, now I am hearing. Even though what is being asked of me is the hardest thing in the world. I guess the saying goes if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours if not it never was. Letting go doesnt mean that I am going to stop loving her ot take away my sadness, it just means that it will give us both a chance to heal. I once said that I would do anything in the world for her now is a chance to prove it.
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3 comments:
here I am visiting your blog for the first time and smilng coz I'm in your links list and then I read your post! oh love can hurt! but really you should let go for yourself, not for her. of course the art of granting enough space without being indifferent after a while is not an easy task...but with the right partner you would both enjoy being each others doggy bone - playing fetch- flinging it away and then hanging on to it again. if you get my stupid picture:)
I've found that with lesbian relationships there's mainly two extremes: those who fear symbiosis so much that their loves are always ruined because of the space they constantly claim and then those who fear being alone so much that they live symbiosis to the max. Something in between is possible..but its usually hard to find. Anyway enough psycho - how about you delve into your own space and embellish your profile...your readers at least want to know your fav movies:) hang in there!
I wish I could say something to take away the pain bacause I know how much it hurts. My heart goes out to you. Sharron kidney-stone seems to have some wise words. Perhaps knowing that others have shared your experience may help some, too. Hang on to yourself during this letting go period. Give yourself a big hug from me.
sharon kidney-stone: Thank you for your words. Granting her the space for her to heal herself is indeed the hardest thing I have ever done but in doing this I realize that I am also granting myself the ability to heal and to do something different. This indeed is a opportunity to learn and grow.
lynn: Thank you. It seems as though in this letting go process even though there is sadness there is also a sense of peace that is there.
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