I Wonder

Originally written on the 19th but I decided to sit on it. Decided to publish this one and the other two I had saved in drafts.I decided to follow my own advise that i gave to Lynn. write what you need, write whats on your mind, write to get it out
My friend Lori say it comes in waves with me. Its how my heart works. How well she knows me. I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I guess the events of yesterday and not sleeping well last night caught up with me. Alot of things are running through my mind. I wonder if i pulled away to far,if she is o.k., if she is ever going to call, if she is trying to heal from the last girl that broke her heart with the hope maybe one day we will find our way back, if she is angry with me, does she know that the space she had in my heart is still open,why she is doing things like this, if she knows how much I love her, does she still love me as much as she did,that I am not trying to do anything but respect her wishes, if she knows i am trying to heal too, if she still dreams about me, if those dreams have changed, if she knows I still dream about her. I know i cant call no matter how badly I want, I know I cant go see her no matter how much it hurts not to. This is what she wants and has asked for, she needs to be the first one to make a move.I wonder if she is staying away because she misses me as much as I miss her. I miss her so much.I wonder if she wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to her, I wonder if she blames me, if thats what she needs so be it. I thought by taking the rest of the things back that it would help put closure on things, that I wouldnt think of her everytime I used a dish, or put on a pair of shorts. (I really did like those shorts even though they were a little big they still looked cute.)I thought by doing that it would help me relieve some hurt. Looking deeper I guess I dont want to bring it to an end because i dont think it has to end. I just want to find a way to let us have the space to heal without burning any bridges. Maybe Im giving the wrong messages, maybe i need to stop worrying about things and just try to get through the day.
My friend J told me that all those things dont matter. She said that all that matters is what is. For whatever reasons this is what she is choosing for herself and it will only drive me crazy to wonder or question why. Now I have to choose to stop asking. I can choose the state of mind I am in. She said it only takes 17 secs of thinking positive to turn those thoughts into a physical reaction. It sounded kinda Shirley McClainish to me but she is pretty knowledgeable about that stuff so what the hell. O.k I gave it 17 seconds of thinking about Chloe. How when I was up there the last time she wanted to sleep in the bed with me. How she wrapped her little arms around me and fell asleep. Kids are so great. I cant wait to have one. It helped for those 17 seconds but my mind went right back to missing her. Lets try again...at least 17 secs of thinking about the last time she fell asleep with her head on my lap. Maybe I should try thinking of something else.