The play party

So I went to the party with Paul. I felt as though I had to just because he had bought the tickets but also to see if there was anything there that I would be interested in. We got there late, or on time if you go by gay standard time, to enter into a bizarre environment. It was a play party so I knew what I was getting into ahead of time but I felt so out of place there. Paul said that I just needed a good beating to help release all that stuff I was carrying around. Paul looks at that lifestyle in a spiritual sense. I used to be able to see things that way, I used to be able to use that lifestyle as a release, as a way to get in touch with my emotions. There is a place called head space that submissive go. To be able to fall into a roll and run with it if you will. The other head space is referred to where a sub goes when they are in the middle of a scene. When the endorphines are being released and the energy is flowing. Sometimes it is referred to as flying. That's the place Im afraid to go. Im not sure as to why. Maybe I've grown so I don't need that maybe Im just scared or maybe I've just found a balance. The last time I visited that place was about 6 1/2 years ago. I had just gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship that sent me spinning. Anywho my friends in the scene and I got together and we had a cleaning ceremony. Without going into too many details Ill just say that it sent me into a space that I wasn't sure I was going to come back from. At the party with Paul I couldn't get into any kind of head space. There were a few that wanted me to play with them, where they would be submissive to me but I didn't want any part of that either. I tried but just couldn't. I think Paul would say Im just not ready to have fun. I ended up leaving about 1/2 hour after I got there. I think that maybe that's a part of my life that I have out grown. At one point in my life I was that person. I was a submissive that loved to play and had an identity of that. That isn't part of who I am now. I enjoy to some extent saving some of that lifestyle in my personal life but I don't need to take it to the extremes that I used to. A little bit can be very HOT!! I often think back to a Valentines Day gift that still brings a smile to my face and a flush to my cheeks. :) Anyway there isn't anyone that I want to participate in that kind of activity with. Well, there is but that isn't an option. I digress, After thinking a little more I think that using that was a way to not only get in touch with my feelings but rushing them away. Feel the hurt, put a physical manifestation to it, release it, be done with it. I don't like to hurt and as P.T. said trying to push the water down the river. Possibly this is the balance that I am constantly searching for. That and maybe I figured being Florida Leather boi wouldn't be something I could put on my resume as community service.