Almost Over

Now for the best part of the holiday... being over. I have never been one for the holidays and for the past couple of years that has been no exception. Especially this year my holiday spirit has been next to none. I am simply counting down to when all this fuss will be over. Now only a couple of days until Jan. 2nd. I put New Years in pretty much the same placement as X-mas and that is overrated and over celebrated . This is the second year in the row that Ill will spend these holidays in the states which makes it worse. Well almost finished with this season. I think I just have itchy feet.
I have some friends that are going to Amsterdam and Paris in late March or April and want me to go with them as a tour guide. I think I can work out getting at least 5 days off from work so Im thinking seriously about it. It shouldnt be a problem now that I have decided to hold off on a new Harley. I have put the plans for a new Harley on hold until I can pay off the credit cards I have and finished my school (either law or other). I figure the Harley can be my reward. Also I have a pefectly good Harley that is geting even better, not to mention paid for, so I can put off getting a new one and do some other things that are important to me as well. Yes Peter Pan has grown up.
Rick is moving at the end of Feb. Its only 45 min. away but Im not sure what Im going to do without him. He has been so incredible recently but I have found a substitute while he is away. Laurie. she is a friend that works with me at Harley. I tell her she is better than a mom, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc all rolled into one. I get 2 kids that arent mine but I can enjoy, a husband that will take care of her for me, she and I go shopping together, she buys me things, we have dinner together,she brings me luch at work, she listens me, all the perks minus the responsibilities and crap and of course minus the sex. She then can live vicariuosly through me and hear about all my adventures. Its a perfect match. LOL I spent a good part of X-mas day with her, her 2 kids , husband, brother and sister inlaw and their 3 kids. I had a great time I really love spending time with their girls Ava and Caidence. Caidence feel asleep with he head in my lap with her arm wrapped around me to make sure I wouldnt leave and of course since she was there her sister had to sit on me as well. I believe thery are 7 and 4. Bill her husband is great too, Lauir says we are kindered spirits, we even use the same dorky phrases such as cool beans, 6 of one half dozen of another things like that. Mother Rick wont be replaced but at least he can leave knowing that I am well taken care of.

lightbulbs

Ever have one of those moments of clarity when eveything seems to be actually following some sort of logical pattern that can actually be undestood by you? When the light bulb goes off and a big AHHA follows. Today I had one of those moments of clarity. I got my LSAT scores back last night and they are good enough to get into two of the law schools that i am going to apply. I talked with the public defender today and he said he would write one of my refrence letters. (actually he told me to write it and he would sign it) it just seems like i have found my path. Eveything is falling into place for me. I love my jobs (all 3 of them) but especially the one at the P.D's office and they will even pay for some of my schooling. There isnt any doubt in my mind that this is where I need to be. Except today an attorney told me they were going to transfer to the State because I was to Republican to be on their side. I think the comment fry them all and let God sort them out might have given her that idea. HAHA I just wanted to see Marks head turn red.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.

Dream escape

So I had a bizarre night.. Something happened that I have never had happen to me before. I was having a dream about her. That's nothing new but what happened is. This dream was one of those that seemed so real. I remember I could feel her, smell her and feel the passion when we were kissing. Now comes the never before part... I remember snapping myself out of the dream. Now this was a dream that normally I wouldn't want to snap out of if you know what I mean, but I remember saying out loud this is only a dream and it has to stop. Its time to get on with things, she isn't coming back, she doesn't want to come back, and it is time I moved on so snap out of it. I then woke myself up. I was able to go right back to sleep then I dreamed about work. Sitting at the table with some of the attorneys talking about my LSAT scores. How well I did on them, how I was going to go to Barry and become one of them. Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up. I feel very rested today and Im off to work for another day. Still love the job.

humbug

Finally done with finals. Thank You Jesus!!! now I can semi-relax until the 8th of Jan. Only thing on the agenda is work, riding and whatever happens to come my way in the way of adventure. After the holidays I've told Harley I would like at least one weekend off a month. I want and need a little time to enjoy myself. They said it wouldn't be a problem so Im happy about that.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.

yo-yo

One final done two to go. I havent had much time to come and write and I miss it. I have been so busy that I havent had a chance to do much of anything which is a good thing. My body is telling me I need to slow down a little but Im concerned that by slowing down my feelings will catch up to me. It has occured to me that all I have been doing is running, granted it has been to positive things but I have yet to face some issues. A while back the slowing and just letting the feelings be stopped working, I got tired of just letting them be so I started running. I tried letting go but letting go was so much easier when I wasnt thinking of them. those pesty little emotions have a way of creeping back in even when you dont want them to. I dont know how to just stop feeling this sadness. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried talking about it, I tried letting go and giving it to God, Ive tried old behaviors, Ive tried faking it til I make it and nothing works. Maybe Im not supposed to get over it. All I know is that I feel a void inside and no mattter how much I do for myself it isnt being filled. There have been days that I constantly ask God to take it away, to remove the ache and it comes right back. I know it isnt for me to ask why but... why doesnt it go away. Why cant I just heal. I dont want to be broken. Why the fuck am I still rambleling on about this? I feel like a giant yo-yo, back and forth.

work

I used to have a friend that said she wished I had a job that took so much out of me that I would be able to feel how exhausted she was at the end of the day. I don't understand why she would wish such a thing but she has gotten her wish. Im lying in bed going to passout after this is written. A friend wants me to go out with her and her girlfriend and I tried to explain that I just needed sleep. she didn't get it. I am absolutely exhausted. Every bit of energy goes into what I need to get accomplished during the day. Any extra energy goes to functioning. a consolation is that even though I am exhausted I feel like I accomplished something and it was a full day but a good day.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.

LSAT - Long Shitty Ass Test

Friday night I was so relaxed about that damned test. A friend of mine, T, Called and told me to come over and she would cook me dinner while I studied on the sofa and tried to relax. She made an incredible dinner but I didn't get a whole lot of studying done. I was so tired that the words were running together so I just vegged on and went home early to get a good nights sleep. Then I had a friend call and ask me to play rugby with them on Sat. morning. I think the beating i would have taken on the pitch wouod have ben prefered to the beting I got in that room. LOL They were playing in the Florida Cup and need an extr player. I havent played in a couple of years and I am in no shape to play 2 40 min. halfs in a match and play as a prop. Right now I weigh about what one of those girls left leg weighs!! It would have killed me( but I would have loved every monute of it) Getting to hit, tackle, the scruming and rucking!!!! sounds like a porno. Ruck til you scrum!! lol sorry off on a tangent. anyways I obviously told her i couldnt but maybe next time.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.

New Job Update

Fifth day on the job and I still love it. I have figured one thing out, and that is that even though I love what Im doing it isn't going to be enough for me. Im looking forward to the LSAT so I can start to apply to law schools. Im not nervous at all about the taking it because I feel like that is the direction that I am going to go. I have to wonder a little bit why it took me so long to get on this path. The reason I can figure is that I was so worried I would fail or not be able to. I cant believe now that I could have doubted myself that much. I have one person to thank for the push that I needed to get my butt in gear. The motivation to start following my passion. Thank you. For the first time I feel like I have a job that is more than just a paycheck or just a job. I actually feel a sense of pride when I tell people where I work. Even though I think my opinions would fit in better working for the States Attorneys ( I say fry them all and let God sort them out) . I am helping uphold their constitutional rights and that is important to me especially since we seem to have a President bound and determined to bastardize/abuse the Constitution. Don't get me started!! LOL
I find myself at work shaking my head a lot of the times, wondering how these kids can get into so much trouble and wondering where the hell the parents are and what are they doing. Every day I open about 25 new cases and we open more than we close. I find myself looking for my friends students. Sorry guys but next year doesn't look so great for you either.
My life is so busy right now but it is a good thing. Im taking care of what I need to do. After this month I can slow down a little so only 31 more days to go. Finals are next week and both jobs are busy. A friend works for a catering company and he got me working with him for the holidays so I have a couple of weddings and X-Mas parties to help with. That will help get that down payment on the new Harley. Angel wants a sister. LOL
Anyway good night all, I have a long day tomorrow of work and then last minute studying so I need to get to bed. Now that Im a working girl it is past my bedtime. LOL

Long time

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I have been so busy not sure where to start. To start off I got a phone call from the P.D's office and I started work today. Im going to be working as a legal sec. to about 4 different attorneys in the juvenile division. I absolutely love it. It is really great when you can see the reason for things that happen in your life. When I got laid off from the private attorneys office I had no idea I would be getting this. This is what I really wanted and it appears that this is the reason I lost the other job.
Over the holidays I had a pretty big revelation. I saw my grandmother and she didn't recognize me. She had a clue she knew who I was but she couldn't quite place me. After this I went outside and God and I had a little talk. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore . Meaning that I am so tired of trying to be in control, having to figure everything out, basically putting my hands into the works. I told him that I was ready to give up control to put my faith back into him and that everything that is happening is for a purpose and it isn't for my understanding. I told him that between my grandmother, my career, S, school, my plans for my future, I found out the guy that I was planning on having kids with has gotten back into drugs and isn't planning on sticking to our agreement, that everything was too much. After this I felt sense of peace that I didn't have the responsibility for things. Not meaning that I wasn't taking an active part but that I just didn't have to be in the drivers seat anymore. I constantly have to give him things because old habits are hard to break but It is getting less and less. I just have faith that everyting is as it should be even if I don't understand them. Im also finding that my change in attitude is changing how I act and react to things. I am tird of trying to be angry. Anger takes to much energy and that is not me. My attitude now is I just want to be. Accept whatever comes my way as just something that is. I have been so blessed by my family, friends and the life that I have. Not to mention my motorcycle. She has new shocks that I am putting on and she is getting new pipes. Thunderheaders!!! Those are the shit!!! LOUDER and FASTER!!! will give me more horsepower!! That's all the excitement I need!! Went out for a long ride last night the longest since April. Had such a great time. Just riding and really not thinking or analyzing anything. Went out by some lakes where it was so quiet. God it was nice!! Living in the moment. I think that's the key. Just enjoying what is when it is. Such a simple concept yet so difficult when Im trying to control things, trying to get them to turn out how I want them.
Finals are coming up, LSAT is on sat. working 2 jobs and trying to have a social life shit no wonder I havent been here in a while. But life is good and Im not waiting for the bomb to drop Im just taking things as they come. No expectations, just living in the moment.

numb

I am so tired of caring, of being understanding and attempting to be a spiritual person. Being true to my libra self this is a natural course for me exploring both ends of the spectrum until I find the happy medium. After going through some self exploration and discovery I am tired of it. I have started to resort back to the old me. The old me that goes to anger and just says fuck it. I like this feeling at least it feels better than hurting. This is a familiar feeling to me. Am I angry? Hell yes Im pissed off. Im pissed off at myself for letting myself get in this position , Im pissed at her for not being able to put her past behind her, Im pissed at her ex for doing this to her,even having to deal with this Im pissed off. Im pissed because I feel cheated, Im pissed because I never stood a chance. Im pissed that Im not stronger than this and I cant let it go. I dont know how. Im pissed because I dont feel enough selfworth to just say fuck and forget it. Im pissed just because I want to be. I know I cant stay in this for long before Ill emerge and start working on myself agian but for right now this shit Im lingering in is still warm and cozy. What am I getting out of this? Thats a no brainer. I dont have to think, I dont have to care, I dont have to feel, and I dont have to hurt.
Hence the FUCK IT blog. Not saying fuck you to anyone in specific just the world in general. Im just saying it in general. I used to have a tattoo on my arm that said FTW. I got it when I was young and angry. I told my mom it meant free the world, to free it from the oppressions of society but it really meant fuck the world. It has long been removed by laser surgery but the feeling is back. From what Im to understand the process of grieving consistes of bargaining, sadness , anger and acceptance. Well guess where Im hanging out? Will this be directed at any one person? No of course not. Is this because of any one person. No. Im just tired.The only emotion I choose to feel right now is anger on the way to numbness. Numb is good. Comfortably numb is better.

A Big FUCK YOU

A BIG FUCK YOU!! That's pretty much what Im hearing. Goes from a phone call every once in a while to nothing. Whatever!! She is obviously gone from my life now all I need to do is get her out of my head. and out of my dreams. Every night I close my eyes I end up having her there. Last night we were talking and I telling her how I realized that she was trying to be something she wasn't for me and I just wanted her to be who she wanted because I would love her no matter who she was. The dream goes on on and on as were talk and work things out. Im not sure what is going on. The last phone call started by I was just calling so I wouldn't be rude. The only way I can interrupt this is a big fuck you to me. That's cool rayray. At least I now know the direction this is going. Actions speak louder than words. I hate this saying, I hate it because it is true and I hate looking at what things are instead of seeing what I want. On my way to work now but I just woke up with all this crap and I wanted to get it out before I started my day. Pretty much of a ranting but fuck it. Fuck it all.

Closest thing to flying

Not feeling very chatty tonight. Im laying here in bed trying to decide if I want to get up and go meet some friends at a strip bar. They just texted me and they are hanging out and want me to come down. I think Im going to finish this off and go to bed. Harley has given me full time hours and I have a big day there tomorrow. Today was fun, worked all day at Harley then I hooked up with a friend Jan and went riding for a bit. Stopped by two bars then hooked up with a few others and went to Orlando Ale House for dinner and to watch the FSU v. Wakeforest game. We got there about 815 just in time to see the beginning of an embarrassing, no humiliating defeat. Our homecoming game and we ended up getting shut out 30 to 0. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse!! Anyway I surprised my friends by not only eating after 700 but ordering a 1/2 rack of ribs, mashed pot. and a sweet pot. Cleaned my plate I did:) Thats probably why Im still awake now sitting in my belly like a rock. The riding was good, I took the bike into work and the interstate that I use wasn't crowded at all. I was able to open her up a little a let her go. I was able to keep a steady speed of about 80 - 85. Closest thing to flying without leaving the ground. It was great!! Then tonight we rode around Winter Park that has lots of curves, had a great time my friend has a fat boy but she couldn't keep up. LOL her bike is lower to the ground so she couldn't take the curves like I was able to. Im trying to push my comfort level on curves. Want to be able to take them faster. Haven't had anyone on the back in a while so I can ride fast and hard without worrying about scaring them.I also Have been trying to get the front wheel off the ground coming out of first gear. I know Harleys aren't supposed to do wheelys but I was able to pop it once by accident so Im trying to do it now on purpose. Riding home tonight was great, It was another beautiful night. Tomorrow Im going to take the bike in as well, I have been riding a lot recently. I just want to get out and go . (For someone who isn't feeling chatty I sure have gone on hehe) It helps me to clear my head and I feel differently when Im riding. It gives me a sense of strength or maybe its just a more tougher feeling. Not sure which one or maybe a little of both. But I start to feel my fuck it attitude coming back. I like that, I like this feeling of not caring, of not figuring or not worrying. Im able to blow off any feelings that might be lingering and to basically butch up. I don't think this is because of my riding more I think its just because I am tired. Tired of caring, tired of trying, and just plain tired. I know this is just a phase of whatever it is Im going through. I am enjoying it though, its nice to put that part away that wants to analyze, reflect and embark on a voyage of enlightenment. I like going back to the fuck it stage, the part of me that stifles growth, doesn't care about taking care of issues ( mine or others) seizes the moment and just lives in the moment. Maybe by embracing this long lost part of me I can heal. I feel as though I have been sucked dry. I have been traveling this barren wasteland for too long.

steps

Ever have those days when it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back? I had my second interview today with the Public defenders office and it went really well. This is the job that I really wanted doing something that was really productive, beneficial and a career move. My only concern was in getting this job I felt bad about leaving the law firm, even though it really wasn't the job I wanted , I was currently looking for another firm, and I wanted to find something for more money and experience. Well the universe, God, whatever you choose took care of that for me today. The firm ran my drivers report. I didn't think any big deal because for the last 4 or so years I have taken off the lead boot, but they ran a complete record check. They said that they had to take into account my entire history because if ever something happened when I was out on a run for them the opposing lawyer would run a complete check so they had to as well. taking this info into account I was considered a liability and since I might have to drive for them occasionally they couldn't assume that liability. So basically they gave me a two weeks notice. That's a first. They said that I could use them as a reference and they wished it could be different and they didn't want me to be upset. I had just had a conversation with a friend that although this firm was a start it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt I could be doing something more. Here's my sign. I know to be careful about speaking things. Anyway Im going to talk with Harley and get more hours there until I can find another position that I really want or until this P.D. job comes into play. It is working in the juvenile division so Im sure it will be challenging and Im sure quite heartbreaking at times.
Just seems as though everytime I start to get going in the direction that I would like something comes along and presents difficulties. Im so tired of getting shot down. This past year really has sucked and I have gone through more metamorphosis then I would like. First ended a almost 6 year relationship, then moving, then changing jobs, health issues, school, another break up, and the continual self-reflection. O.K. Enough of the self pity what am I going to do about it? I am going to look at the fact that I have my health, my family and friends have their health, when a door closes a window is opened, and like everything there is a reason for everything and all I have to do is to try to do the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have realized something about myself, I am noticing some behaviors that I have started that I don't like. Don't really feel like getting into details (another blog day) but lets just say that it isn't the kind of person that I want to be so I know I have to take certain actions to not continue.
I just wish that I could get a burning bush, a crystal ball or something that would let me what Im supposed to be doing , where Im suppossed to be doing it, who Im to do it with, and how Im going to get there. I am just tired of wasting time. I feel as though the clock is ticking and I just want to get things right. Its this not knowing thing that drives me apeshit.
I went to a noon mass today. Dont worry to much not, Im not a Catholic, Im Episcapal. The first time in a long while, I really miss the spiritual aspect of my life. I find that when I am in touch with that my acceptance, patience and peace come alot easier. I dont think its because situations change it is my perception of them that change and Im not trying to control my surroundings. I even have started to read a book on Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths. I also started to read my books on Taoism again.

Angel and I

So I decided to follow suit and be a sheep for a change. Others are posting pics so I decided to take a risk and put some pics of myself up. That is me on the left taken in Amsterdam in June 2005. We were at the Heiney Experience. LOVE THAT BEER!! Not feeling any pain at that point. Did make it to many "coffee" shops but NO I didnt partake. I will admit going to a live sex show in the red light didtrict. I got pulled up on stage to assist a lady preformer. Thats a whole other blog.
This is in Copenhagen Denmark taken in August 2005. Anna is on the left Chris one of my ex's is 2nd to left , then me, Kirstin, Stine( we call her svine), and Batina (Bubber). A great bunch of girls I miss them especially Anna and Bubber. HOT!!! Anyway off topic.This is a new picture of me just taken today. When I look at these pics its as if Im looking at a totally different person. it is still a little strange when I look in a mirror and see this person looking back at me. My girls at Harley want me to bring in pictures of me from when I played rugby. They dont believe that I was once husky enough to be a prop. I saw an old professor and friend today he didnt recognize me. My friend Shelly and her girlfrend Crystal are calling me a girly girl. Just because when we were riding in the truck I saw a spider run across the dashboard I screamed and jumped behind Crystal yelling for her to kill it. I remember what the spiders did to Rick when he tried to save one so I wasnt going to take any chances!! I had her kill the bastard. Besides it was huge I think it was about 3 feet around! O.K. not that big but it was in a moving vechile with me and one of us was going and it wasnt going to be me. When we got back to Shelly's house she proceeded to pick me up and throw me over her shoulder like I was nothing. That is so odd. I used to be the one to do that to girls. They made me promise not to loose any more weight. I told them I still have meat on the bones just not a whole lot of fat. Im really not trying anymore. I figure my body will taper off when it wants. Im just going to keep eating healthy(YES I DO EAT!!) and doing what Im doing. I pretty much have setteled at about the weight I am now. As long as I feel and look good Im not worried. At the risk of sounding a little arrogant I know I look good. At least thats what I keep being told. Its nice to know that but its also really nice to hear from others.
This is Angel and I. She is a Harley Davidson 1200S. She is my baby. I was thinking about trading her in for something larger. I was looking at that Dyna custom but I cant anymore. I have hooked up with a couple of guys at work and they are going to help me fix her up even more. They have sporty's and agree that I shouldnt sell it, Besides I can just save up and get that Dyna without trading her in. Hows that for retail therapy? There is nothing wrong with having two Harleys. Also the one I want to get isnt going to be available until at least Feb. So that gives me plenty of time to save.

So Over It!!

I stopped by a local bar last night to say good bye to some friends that were moving out of town. As soon as I got there I ran into Mrs. Drama herself better known as grandma to some. I cant believe some people. I was polite and asked her if she had indeed told others that I had told her that I wanted her or was in love with her. She looked me straight in the eye and said no but she knew where that rumor came from. It came from S who told the girl Mrs Drama is dating and that's how she heard about it. Just 2 minutes before another girl Mrs. Drama was dating or had bben dating , who the fuck knows told me that Mrs. Drama told her that. I cant fucking believe it. First to lie to me then to try to tell me that S had started it. I am so over all this drama. One I never said anything like that, granted the day that I was drugged up on demoral I could have told her I loved her but I told everyone I talked to that day that I lived them and don't even remember talking to them. But never, never ever had I told her anything that could re,otely be construed to me wanting her or being in love with her. First and foremost since S I have not had wanted or been in love with anyone but S, second Mrs. Drama was dating a friend of mine and I would never do that to a friend.Third I had known Mrs. Drama fir about 20 years if I had wanted her it would have come up before now. I just left I was so disgusted. Then on my way out she tells me to call her. Ill call her alright I can think of lots of things to call her. I hate that this community is so small. I hate that people have to be so petty and small.
Anyways on a brighter note my friends from CA are in town, they arrived today and we met out for dinner. It was so great seeing them. Again they both offered for me to move out there with them. It was brought up not once but 3 times before dinner was over. I have to ponder it a little more but I think I see a move in the future for me. I know that you cant run from yourself but I gotta get out of here. I just want to be away from all this crap. I know that no matter where you go you have issues but at least a move would give me a fresh start. Im just tired of bullshit. Im tired of being lied to, of looking over my shoulder, and worrying when I go out if Im going to run into her and whoever she is dating now because there are really only two bars to go to. Im tired of being involved in such a small scene that everyone has to know your business and has to meddle in it. I have been out and about in this town for about 20 years. Its time to move on to something new. Thinking about all this crap makes me want to vomit. New job, new society, possibly a new relationship, just a new beginning. There is really nothing keeping me here. I can take my car, my dog, my bike so Im good.I can finish up school and look for a job out there. There is also a law school not far from their house. I have picked up and moved across the ocean so going to CA isn't that far. They are here for about 10 days so there is plenty of time to talk about it.

morning thoughts

Seems like my mind wont stop turning, it happens early in the A.M when Im just waking up. Its like my brains last ditch effort to get everything settled before fully waking up.This was this mornings steady stream. I started off thinking about the last time I saw her. Im a very touchy person I like to touch to get that connection. The last time I put my hand on her cheek she told to not touch her, the last time I held her hand it almost brought her to tears, she asked me not to hug her goodbye because she had to go into work and if I hugged her it would bring her to crying and she couldn't deal with that break down then. After all these thoughts I realized what I was grieving so much, it was the loss of that connection that's what I miss so much. I was looking at it as if being apart hurts this much for both of us why are we doing it, it can't be right. Yet it appears that I am the only one shedding tears over the loss of the connection, the tears she sheds aren't because of me. It is because of the other one that hurt her so badly that she cant, and/or doesn't want to have that connection again. Its not me. Im not saying that she isnt sad over us Im just saying that I now realize that our sadness comes from diferent areas. Im sad over the realtonship I lost and her sadness comes from the relaitionship she cant have. She was broken when I found her. I get that. she said that when we first met and I picked up her keys her thought was " here I go again" It didnt have to be another "again" she already had in her mind what was going to happen. she told me that maybe the reason we found each other when we did was so that we could help each other through a bad time. That wasn't the reason for me. She also said that she wished she had never met me and she was sorry for hurting me so badly. I think of Garth Brooks song " The dance" "Even knowing how it was going to end I wouldn't change a thing because I still had the dance."
I also thought about the ideas I had, how there were times that I saw so clearly us being together. I do believe that I am very intuitive but I also know that I have thing abut being right.(I know P.T. you would say thats the lawyer coming out of me.LOL) I think its entirely possible that I was seeing these things because that was what my heart wanted. I didn't want to be wrong about this. When I was with Ann I saw that relationship as the one. It was for me but that wasn't a prediction of the future it was just what I saw for myself and my hearts desire. When I was with Chris I knew it wasn't going to work but I didn't want to give up because of the time we had put into it and because I didn't want to be wrong again. With S I so wanted this to be it. I thought we were doing things the right way, we dated for a little before making a commitment, we didn't jump into anything, we were honest with each other, we talked about everything, we wanted the same things out of life, I was so attracted to her, everything was there. eveything but the timing. I guess I became the pig and she was just the chicken ( see last blog for explanation if needed). When I found out that she had only been out of a relationship for two weeks when we met my first instinct was to run. Yet I was assured that she was done and over that because she had already dealt with that.( funny how those same people are now the ones that are saying she needs to be single to heal) It really doesnt matter anyways because at that point It was too lateI had already fallen. anyhow I had been holding on because I had this vision that seemed so real to me but there inlies the operative words " for me" Its time to let go, there is no need to hold the door to my heart open when there is no desire for her to walk through. I realize that its not about me being right or wrong about this. its about not being the appropriate time. I did see what could have been but that was just looking at where my desires and actions were going. I was looking into a mirror not a crystal ball. All I was looking for was a small sign, for reason to not let go, for a reason to keep that possibility open, a reason to see something besides what starring me in the face. I just wanted a thread to grasp.
People say that I need to be single to fuck around and not be in a relationship. I think its important to be in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship but I want to be in a relationship. I can be single, date, fuck around and not settle down but I have done all of that already. I don't have that desire to go through all that. I want to be with one person. I want to create a life for us. I think people that are telling me I have to be single are people that are incapable for whatever reason to have a relationship. I think it is human nature to want to have a partner and to not be alone. Even animals seek out partners, with the exception of wasps and some spiders that kill their mates. There are some exceptions to both sides, nothing is absolute.

What will be will be. Serendipity an excellent movie. I know that I am not finished with love. I am incapeable of closing off my heart. If we are meant to be we will and if not then thats because there is someone more appropriate out there for both of us. I just wish that things could have been different. I wish they could be different now.

Ham or Eggs

Took the bike out tonight with my buddy GB for a long ride. GB is having issues with his wife and Im having a hard day as well. We usually go out and hot rod around and blow of some steam. We got a late start tonight, didn't leave his place until around 600. This is usually my favorite time to ride because I love to look at the sunset. Tonight had a beautiful sunset and the sky was incredible. All and all it was a gorgeous night for riding. I really wanted to give her a call to see if she wanted to come out tonight. I miss us going for rides together. I rode before I met her and Im still riding but I just couldn't get the times we would go out together out of my head. GB says that Im not letting go because of expectations. Expectations I had for the relationship, her and myself. I guess that make a little sense but I still miss her. Just want to get her out of my mind. No I don't that's a lie, I want to get the hurt out of my heart. Can I do one without the other?
After riding I went over to Mother Ricks house tonight to watch our usual Ugly Betty and Grays Anatomy. That is our usual Thursday night thing. I got there late so I could only catch G.A. O.K. Im addicted I love that show. There are a couple that I try not to miss. G.A. Ugly Betty, Boston Legal and the group therapy with Ted Dansa. Help you Help me I think the name is. anywho G.A was good tonight learned all about being either a pig or a chicken in relationships. I know things are bad when you start finding lessons in t.v sitcoms but this one actually is kinda cool. I have this thing about analogies and sayings. Anyway this guys wife is pregnant and he wants to get married he said that basically he had been eggs through the relationship but now he was ham. He looked at it as a breakfast plate. The chicken was involved as to the point that she produced the eggs but that's all she wasn't committed she just played a part. Now the pig on the other hand was committed to the breakfast because he was ham now. there was no backing out he was a part, commitment. so the question he had to ask himself was he ham or eggs. He decided ham and wanted to get married.

I dont know what that has to do with things but I thought it was interesting. Just rambeling now I think Im just going to go to bed. I have been at Mother Ricks house since Sunday. They have been tenting my apt. for termites so Bamse and I stayed with them. I was going to be there tonight cause i just didnt want to be alone but i decided I needed to suck it up and just go home.

I had a call from the Public Defenders office, they wanted me to come in for another interview. I decided to go even though I started at a firm downtown, I figured it couldnt hurt to see what they had to say. They said that they thought I was to qualified for just a clerk position so they were interviewing me for a assistant/receptionist position. The interview went really well. I interviewed with 3 people and they loved me. How could they not? :) It turn out this position is in the juvenille division so I will probably get a chance to see some of my friends students. LOL I think it looks really good so we'll see. They say good things come to those that wait. I have been waiting long enough. She said she was going to be calling me again for another interview, I imagine to sit with the attorneys Ill be working with. Keep your fingers crossed.

Long time no see

It has been a long time since my last blog. I have been so caught up with work and school that all I want to do when I get home or to Mother Ricks is sleep. This is a typical Monday and wed. For me. Class from 1130 to 1245. Then straight to work at the law firm until 600. Then back to school from 700 to 945. On tues, thurs, and friday it is work at the law firm from 830 until 600. When Im not in class or at work Im in trying to fit in homework, studying and a small amount of relaxation. On Sat. Im at Harley from 900 until 600. Then on Sun from 930 to 500. So to say Im busy is an understatement but it is a good thing to keep my mind busy.
Last week I asked her to stop calling me. I did this because that was the advise everyone was giving me. "You cant get over her unless she is out of your life, you need time apart, if she is so confused you don't need to be around her", etc., etc., etc. I even had a friend offer to drive me to the ball store so I could pick up a pair. Yet after the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and push them back in. It just didn't feel like the right thing to do. Intellectually it seemed like the best thing but it just didn't feel right. Not to mention the night before she called I was thinking and throwing out to the universe that I wanted her to call. Later that night I found myself texting her. She called and wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I guess Im just as confused as her. When do you stop listening to your heart? How can you tell when you are fooling yourself? I don't know. Again she told me I should get on with my life. That I should date. I date to see if I want to be with that person, or if there is that spark that something could start. I don't want that. I have been asked out by 7 different women but I have no desire to go. If I cant be with her then I would rather be by myself. Maybe this makes me a totally pathetic individual. I guess one would say that dating will help me get over her. I don't want to do it that way, it isn't getting over it is replacing and I don't want to do that. It isn't fair to the one I would be dating or the next person I choose to be with. All it does is cover, it doesn't disolve.Its like having the flu and taking something for the cough it just removes a symptom not the root of the problem.Why the hell do I miss her so much? Why cant I let go? Why cant I get it through my head that this is something I need to just forget. Why do I hold on to something that she obviously doesn't want. I mean Christ she has told me point blank to date others. I don't think I am that disfunctional or have low self esteem. I look better than I ever have.I think I deserve to be happy and to get what I want out of life and a partner. In the back of my mind I guess there is a little piece that still believes that things can work out. that if I hang on to just a little bit she will come around. and I can still be there. How do I get that little piece out of my mind? How do I separate my heart? She said this was easier for her than for me. One would think that comment alone would do it. When Im at work at Harley I find myself looking for things that she would like or that would look cute on her. Friday Im taking home one of the bikes that I would like to get and I was thinking about when the best time to call to see if she wanted to go riding with me. What the hell am I thinking??? This is a woman that has said she doesn't want to be with me, is dating others, tells me to date others. Why cant I tell her to piss up a rope and be done with it? Why do I want someone that doesn't want me?
My friends called me from Denmark again today and want me to move back there. Right now that seems like a really good idea. I started to look on the internet for jobs there and I got my passport application to renew it. I don't know so much to think about. I really like my job at the law firm and Harley and I love school yet I miss Denmark.I know that I would just be running and that doesn't work. Eveything catches up to you eventually and bites you in the ass that much harder.I think I am going to start looking for a international or corp. law firm that has clients overseas and try to get a job there. This way when I do finish school I can move into a paralegal position that might require travel.

Experiment

Today after the interview I was feeling a little sad. I decided to do a little experiment to maybe make myself feel little better. So as I was leaving Publix I smiled and said hello to everyone I passed. Not just a nod of the head or a half faked smile but a genuine smile and hello. Eveyone that I met smiled back and said hello as well. It made me feel better even though it was just for a short time. it also brightened my day and hopefully made their day a little brighter as well.
I was a little sad because I was missing her today. There are just so many wonderful, exciting things that are going on in my life right now and it makes me a little sad that she isn't here to share in them with me. Its not because I miss having someone around or because I need to have her I just miss having her in my life. I have close friends that I am sharing my life with I just miss having her as one of them. I loved her and I still do love her. I know that life goes on and that I can be happy without her in my life it just feels as though a piece is missing. That piece is her. I know that for a multitude of reasons we cant be together now but I also know that knowing all this wont make me love her less or miss her less.

Decisions decisions decisions

I had another interview today at a different law firm, it looks promising. Here is the dilemma. I have already accepted the job at law firm #1 and start tomorrow. This job will work around school and there is potential for advancement. Issue is they pay is lower then job #2. With job #2 I haven't for sure gotten it but it looks really good. The pay is higher but my responsibilities will be greater and they will be less flexible on the hours because of the increased responsibilities. Im thinking I don't need the additional stress from job #2 being Im still in school, working at Harley on the weekends, want to donate some time for service work, and would like to be able to enjoy a little down time so I don't burn out. I talked to my mom today and she said that one bird in the hand was better than two in the bush and that I should probably stick with job #1. She then offered to help me a little more so that it would compensate for the $ difference. Looking at all this on paper(screen) I think I should stick with job #1. even though I would like to be in a position of more money and responsibility there is plenty of time to have that after graduation. Right now I need to focus on what is happening right now, what is going to be the best for my future and what conditions are going to best assist me.
Speaking of future and school. I got my midterm back form Real property and I got a 94. ROCK THE FUCK ON!!!! My second midterm is tonight in Legal research which I am getting ready to go study for after this. I have started to put any assignment that is not 100% up on my fridge or within sight. This is just to remind me that there is need for improvement.
My crazy, psychotic friend Pat gave me the lecture today that Im going to have a breakdown cause she thinks Im taking on too much. I tried to explain to her that this is my life and whee I want to get in life takes what I am doing now. In order to succeed I need to do service work, dedicate time for school , studying and work. That the law firm job was imperative because that is where I wanted to be and the Harley job was fun for me and it didn't take up my complete weekend. She said that I needed time to sit around in my boxers and drink a beer if I wanted and I didn't have that time. She just doesn't get that I have already had that time to sit around in my boxers and drink beer and and that it was time for Peter Pan to grow up and do something to get me where I wanted to be. We just have different life goals and she doesn't understand the time management concept. I get that there is only so many hours in the day but what I don't think she gets is that I am just rearranging my priorities on how I spend that time. I appreciate here concerns and it is something to keep an eye on yet I don't think she gets it.

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain and bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.

Dyna or Soft Tail

Another great day. I wasn't able to make it down to Daytona Beach for Biketober Fest but that's O.k. I had such a great day at Harley!! I chatted with one of the salesmen today about which bike I want. I still cant decide. Its between the two above. I know I still have 88 days to decide but I am a kid in a candy store. The second one is a Dyna Super Glide Custom. The first is A Soft Tail Standard. The soft tail is a smoother ride but I like to hot rod and the Dyna is better equipped for the type of riding that I do. Anyway I learned everything about the bikes that I could possible want to know today. I also talked with one of the techs and when I bring my bike in they will let me use their tools to work on my bike there. Cant get any better than that!!
I was talking with Traci today and she is trying to decide if she should leave her boyfriend. We spent a lot of time chatting and I found myself listening to the advise I was giving her. I saw her going through pretty much what I had just gone through so it touched a place in my heart. I think the best thing I told her was to not throw her love away on someone that doesn't appreciate it or want it. That it is O.K. for her to love him but it takes two and since he isn't living up to his part of the bargain that maybe she should just move on and do for herself. She was waiting for him to make up his mind about what he wanted to do so she she could decide what she should do. She was giving him power over her life. I also told her something that I had been told along time ago that is so true but had forgotten and that is actions speak louder than words. Usually cliches annoy me but this one is so true. One little thing I told her was that love was more than an emotion it was an action as well. I think she is going to leave him and my heart goes out to her because I know how much she loves him and how it feels to be so confused about what to do. Even with that heavy conversation it was still a really good day. I told my friends today that I was gay, I didn't actually come out and say it but I dropped all the pronouns I was using. I was a little worried but it was no big deal to them. I just figured I didn't want to Portia myself as someone Im not and if I cant be who I am then I don't need to be there. Im not going to be a s open at the law firm but eventually Im sure I will. Being gay just isn't something that goes on your resume under additional skills, not for a law firm anyway. I have been thinking about looking into the local chapter of the ACLU if Orlando even has one and seeing about maybe volunteering a little bit of time there. Im trying not to bite off more than I can chew but Getting involved more is something that I think is beneficial. Anywho after my midterm tomorrow I can think more about that. Not too worried about the midterm tomorrow. It is in legal research.. no problem... but I need to get to bed I have that other interview tomorrow morning. figured might as well go, it is good experience and it cant hurt to see the comparison in the law firms.

Happy bubble

I had such an incredible day. I started work at Harley today and had an absolute blast. How could it not be fun we spent the day looking at clothes, trying them on, helping other people find things and prepare a shopping list for ourselves. The girls I work with are so funny. The boss had ordered pizza today for everyone and I told them that I didn't eat pizza. So we got into a discussion about my eating habits which led to me saying that I have lost about 50 lbs. and needed to get new clothes because nothing fit. OH MY GOD!! Talk about opening a can of worms. They just started pulling stuff off the shelf. It was so funny but it made me feel so good. I was actually trying on things from the girls side. I have always been really stocky/athletic and have never been called tiny to my recollection but today trying on those clothes Laurie said "damn girl your tiny." It was so wonderful trying on things that didn't need to be worn with boxers, usually everything I wore was baggy. Im getting a pair of overalls tomorrow that I just look so adorable in. Also getting a pair of low riders that are fucking HOT!!!II held them up looking at them and I couldn't believe that I could actually fit in them. A size 6!! That's right a 6 and they have an incredible ass factor.It is so weird almost like I was a different person. I actually have a figure and a damn good one too. I felt so good about myself and how I looked.
All today I have felt so happy and it is all up to the fact that I am doing for myself. Im at Harley cause I want to be and it is playing with things I love. The attorneys office is where I want to go and is just a beginning. All this time I have always been told that Im intelligent, have tons of potential, etc. Yet I never really saw it coming together. Now I have all these opportunities and these people are coming for me for what I have to offer and that I can choose what I want is so incredible to me. Today driving home I got all teared up because I feel so happy. What makes it even better is that this is all coming from me for me. It isn't because of who is in my life or how someone else is making me feel, it is 100% because of what I am making happen in my life. Pretty much right now my life is school, work, my Harley, my dog, my blog at night and a few incredible close friends. I already have my new bike picked out. Im down to two choices. A softtail standard or the dyna super glide custom. I have only 89 more days until I get the discount:)
I just feel so different. I feel almost like the old me back before Ann. Almost like that but better. I have a renewed confidence and self-esteem. I know that all the days aren't going to be perfect and that there is going to come a time that something is going to happen to bust the happy bubble but Im not looking for that or expecting it. Im not letting the idea that that will happen stop me from being happy right now. That is different and its nice. Today I almost didn't know what to do with the feeling then it came to me... just go with it. Its funny how one can so easily put faith and so much energy into negativity and doubt while not looking for the end but when there is happiness and positivity it is easily dismissed doubted and one starts to look for it ending. Maybe it is because that doubt and hurt is all that is known but I think that if we come to always expect bad then that's what we will find. I had said before that productivity was my goal this year. I think I am off to a damn good start.

YEAH!!!!!

Just got a phone call!! no not one of those phone calls but a call from the attorneys office that I had an interview with today. They offered me the job. I of course accepted. I start Monday!!! I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I now know that it isnt a train or bus. I also got another call from another attorneys office and they want me to come in on Monday morn. for an interview. Southwest sent me a letter and they want me to come in next month to interview for a position and TSA called today and said my physical was good and they would be signing off on it and I could go to the next stage of the hiring process. I also sent my application in to Legal Aid to volunteer a couple of hours a week. DAMN I FEEL GOOD!!! I of course cant forget Harley!!! I start there tomorrow morn. It finally feels as though I am on the road to where I need and want to be going. It feels so good and satisfying. I know it is only a start but it is a start. This firm said they would work around my school and I could work as much as I wanted. I feel so good! Im sitting here in the law library and I just had to write about it cause I feel as though I am going to bust. I have another midterm on Monday so Im getting a head start on it. I know its a Friday night and Im in the library but I really dont mind, this is where my future is going to come from not the bar. Besides there is nothing there that I want anyway so I might as well do something productive. Well I better get back to work.

Butterflies

This morning I had another interview with a law firm downtown. She said she had a few more interviews for today but she would want me to be able to start as soon as possible. I was her first interview which is how I wanted it. I wanted to set the bar that others would have to meet.

When I got home Bamse and I went out for a little walk. While she was smelling around the grass I noticed a couple of butterflies flying around. I called Bamse over and we sat down on the sidewalk and just watched them. They were trying to land on the blades of grass but the grass was wet so they had to be careful not to get their wings wet. Everytime one would fly away another would come around. We probably sat there for 15 mins. just watching them. It looked like they had to flap those wings so hard to get just a little bit of airspace. Yet there was a bit of peace in their struggle for flight. It could be that the peace I was noticing I was finding in myself. Slowing down, not anyalyizng, letting go, just being. Right now at this moment I have no worries, no stressors, no regrets, no anger, and no fears.This moment is all that matters because I know the the future is not a guarantee. I think maybe I should spend a little more time watching butterflies. I have a runny nose but I can deal with that. :) Lynn:I guess I forgot to cross my fingers and got the cooties!! Tell your little one that girls have cooties too. :)

MY WISH

MY WISH

Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wishI hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

blockage

Today was a day of working on the motorcycle and getting the house in order. I was asked Sunday night why I hadn't put up the rest of my pictures or organized my bedroom since I had been there since the beginning of August. I had to think about that one for awhile but the answer that came to me was that I was waiting for someone to help me with it. I had never lived alone before and making something mine is a new concept for me. So today I decided to make the apartment mine. I put up all the pictures where I wanted them, set up my bed frame and redecorated. It felt really good to do this, to make this space mine. I was also asked Sunday night why I was so blocked. She said that when she looked at me that was all she could see. This got into a discussion about my fear of failure and that I am working on putting that to rest. Which is very true I don't feel so afraid of trying things anymore worried that I cant succeed. I am tired of failing because I am afraid to fail. She said that while she understood that she thought that was ridiculous just because she sees so much more in me than that. As she said that and I think about it now I agree with her but not because someone else sees an intelligent, beautiful, special woman, with so much to offer but because I actually see it in myself. I don't need anyone's else's validation. It is nice to hear but I can actually look in the mirror and say those things to myself. She wanted to know what else was there. (Cops.. and I thought I asked alot of questions.) I told her that I was just getting over a relationship that I didnt want to end and that while I realized it was over I was just trying to find my way back. I didnt want closeness, intimacy, emotional ties, or anything that might let someone in. I just wanted to forget. Forget and heal . I was putting my heart back in my pocket and while I wasnt closing it off for forever I was giving it a rest.
I got a job at one of the local Harley dealerships today. I went in for parts and came out with a job. Im in heaven!!!Everything in the store is sold to employees at cost plus 10% and the discount on the bikes WOW!!! I am still working at getting that job at the attorneys but I can keep the Harley job on the weekends. I want to get a new bike within the year.
Usually I get a new tattoo and/or something else symbolic after a breakup. Im behind a little here so I have a new tattoo scheduled for next month. It is going to be a phoenix rising out of the flames headed to the sky. The flames are going to have a symbolism to them that I am going to keep to myself but the phoenix is going to be on my left shoulder. I have a Chinese dragon on my right and I am going to have the Chinese symbol redone. The symbol stands for chaos. I believe that to be a pretty good analogy of life . That everything starts from chaos and is developed from there and that chaos is still a part of tranquility like yen is to yang. They compliment each other and to know one you have to know the other. Well I have known and lived both.

a fun day

Had a really good day yesterday. it was O-towns Gay pride parade. Granted it was no San Fran pride but is was all we had. I rode my motorcycle in the parade with a couple of friends which was a absolute blast. But Im jumping ahead. It started out with me meeting my friend Jan down at a local rest. for brunch. I woke up feeling like absolute crap, it seems that I have managed to acquire that horrid little bug that has been going around. Yet I had been looking forward to this day so I sucked it up. This is when things started to get a little weird. I rode down to meet her at about 945. I was enjoying taking the curves and just enjoying being out and when I came up to a stop light, a lady behind me honked. I didn't think anything of it because people do that all the time. I turned around to wave and she said " you'll get rid of it, I have it to .do you drink? and I said I was having trouble hearing because of the motor and I had a head cold and maybe I should start drinking to kick it.she then said You aren't afraid are you? And I said of riding? and she she just smiled. I told her of riding no but I do have some other fears. And she just smiled. Weird huh? I went on to meet Jan and told her about it and we kinda laughed but it stuck in the back of my head about that bizarre conversation. I mean how random?
At brunch there were 8 of us they were either fire fighters, EMT's, cops, one teacher, a hair salon owner anyway all professionals. It was so nice sitting around around having adult conversations. My last girlfriend of long term was 14 years younger than me and I was up in Tallahassee at FSU so everyone that we associated with was of college age. It was just really nice to sit around and chat with people that actually were in the same place in life as myself (or at least where I want to go). after brunch we went back to kristins house and chatted then they went to play softball and Jan and I rode down to the parade kick off. The parade was such a blast saw so many people I knew and managed to get through the parade without adding anyone on to my bike. I was having so much fun just hotroding that I didn't want anyone riding bitch. Actually I did ask one girl to ride but she was hanging out with her mom and friends so she said no. Jan wasn't able to pick anyone up because her girlfriend wouldn't have appreciated that too much. LOL Anywho when we were done going through the parade we pulled over to watch the rest. Then we decided to go grab some lunch and drinks. While we were headed down some cobble stone streets I saw some friends that I wanted to say hello to. I started to turn around but my tires and road was wet so when that happened my tire slipped and I ended up dumping the bike. Luckily I ended up on top of my bike so when it went sliding I wasn't underneath it. Ended up breaking my shifter and tail light off, my scratched my derby cover all up and my primary case is leaking cause the seal is broken now. Eveything I can fix myself so Im grateful about that and that the only thing hurt was my pride. Pride cometh before the fall right? It comes before but it doesn't coushin it. LOL I rode my bike home and just said screw it and I rode with Jan back downtown to the festivities. We forgot all about eating and decided to go straight to the beer. Now I have had probably 3 beers in the past 8 months so needless to say it didn't take much. After 2 or 3 I wasn't feeling much pain. Finally we hooked up with some of our other friends and decided to get something to eat. There was a lady that was there and her name was Deb. She is older than me but we ended up talking for most of the time at dinner. After that it was getting a little late so everyone left except for Deb and I so we went over to a bar central Station where a friend of mne works and hooked up with her and her boyfriend. The four of us left there and went to another bar downtown where I ran into a old friend. Its so weird I cant remember where I know her from but we used to hang out all the time and she knows stuff about me that I cant remember. The closest I can pinpoint it to was back when I was 20. Because she was talking about the clubs we went to and the people we hung out with. If it was back then it is no wonder I don't remember her. I don't think I slept with her LOL. Anyways after hanging out with Lindsey, her bf and Deb I decided to head home. Deb and I ended up talking for a couple of hours. About what I wanted out of life and about how I analyze things. It went on to becoming a full fledged interrogation about thoughts and feelings. Part of her job is to be able to read people so it was rather interesting to get her take on the working of my mind. I find it really interesting when people try to read me. It is almost a challenge of sort. I was impressed by the accuracy of what she came up with. Anyway Ill save that for another blog because this is getting too long. I just so enjoyed the day where I wasn't the oldest one around and there were people that were intelligent, upfront, no bullshit drama, not judging, trying to get something from me, using me to make people jealous, established, and just plain fun.

thinking again

no big surprise but I have been thinking again. Actually more reflecting then anything but this is what I came up with. I was going over our conversation today and thinking about what I could have done different with the Christine situation and something occurred to me. This happened back in April this is October now. I believe that when I started to realize what this actually meant to her I took care of it. For those of you who are scratching your heads the rundown is that my ex of 6 years had started calling me again and was very remorseful about the things she had done to me. There were a few times that she called very late at night in tears and wanted to talk. One time she had said that if things didn't work out with S that she wanted me back. I told her that I was never going to leave S and that I understood what she was saying but that she had her chance and I was with the one I loved. After that conversation she didn't bring that up anymore and actually was very supportive of S and I. But S had issues with Chris and said that she was being disrespectful and was just waiting in the wings and that I was keeping the door open for her. She requested that I put Chris out of my life until she could feel secure enough knowing that Chris respected our relationship. I didn't do that. I had been with Chris for almost 6 years and still loved her. In love ?no. wanted to be with her? no. In fact any conversation Chris and I had I told S about. If there was something that was going on I wouldn't have been so open. S and I had only been in a relationship for a couple of months and I didn't see the reason to put Chris out of my life that and I didn't know how to either. She wasn't being disrespectful and I saw it as S putting her issues on me when she should have trusted me to tell her the truth. I did talk to Chris and told her to not call for awhile and to let me call her when things were settled and that she could call if it was important.There was another incident with another girl flirting with me but we were told by a friend mutual friend that she was harmless and when she did start to obviously disrespect our relationship I took care of that as well. I am not a cheater and had never given her any reason to think I was. Now all his started in April and S is still angry about it and says that this is when her feelings started to change. It kinda seems to me that this is an excuse for us not being together. Not saying that she didn't have valid reason to be upset and given her history I can understand the insecurities. But I was talking about us having a family in a year or so down the line and getting married. I was planning a future with her. I had even said when Im done with schooling she could go back to get her Masters and I would support us. Why would I make all these plans if that's not what I wanted? Why is she still holding on to that when I did take care of things. If it was so major that her feelings were changing we should have taken care of that. She said that sometimes you can love someone but cant be with them. I don't believe that. I think its that you don't want to be with them. P.T. I go back to your question how dirty are you willing to get your hands to have a clean heart. I was willing to do whatever it took I just didn't understand how to hear her. Maybe a more appropriate statement would have been sometimes you can love someone and not be with them right now. I can agree with that. She says that she changed since March but in June and July we were talking about a future, our future. I thnk maybe she hasnt changed so much as her fears were starting to surface and things that were happening were just a little to scarey for her to deal with. I don't get it, I dont think she really does either. she said we are beating a dead horse I dont see it that way I dont thimk we really addressed any of the core issues that went wrong with us but maybe she doesnt want to. This doesnt explain why she cries when she gets close to me, why she needed to be close to me and more importantly why this is really happening. I guess I may never know those answers but I hope she figures them out for herself so she can heal. Lord knows I am asking myself enough questions for the both of us but the answers she needs only she can figure out.Im asking myself those same questions and eventually Ill figure it out. I need to know those answers so next time I can do something different and so I can get to know myself a little better.

Have to stop

I have to stop this. I keep thinking what if... what if isn't important anymore. What if frogs had glass asses? All I need to do is think about what I can do to make myself o.k. I keep thinking that if I had done something different that things wouldn't be where they are right now.Odds are they probably would have but I do wonder. I have to remember that this isn't all my fault, it takes two. Maybe things could have been headed off if she had handled things differently. Granted I wasn't hearing her but it wasn't because I didn't want to we were just speaking two different languages.See here I go again trying to figure it out. I need to stop this because i wont be able to. It just is. This need to figure things out is part of my problem.
I understand that she needs to not compromise herself and I understand that she needs to be with someone that hears her. I wish there was a way that I could convince her that she could have all that from me but there isn't. If she wanted to she would give me that chance, if she wanted to we could work things out and if she let me i could hear her and give her what she asks for. But... but that isn't the case.This obviously snt what she wants or maybe its what she wants but doesnt think she can have. Even if there was a way to tell her eveything I dont think she would believe it, this isnt where she wants to be. she doesnt want to risk it. Yet this isn't the place either one of us needs to be. We both have healing to do. The only thing I can show her is that I am respecting what she has asked for which is to let things settle. This is so difficult just because I don't like surprises like this. I don't like not knowing and i don't like hurting or being hurt. The only thing left is to leave this up to fate and time. If this was meant to be it will be but in the mean time it is time to let go. Let go for her and to let go for me. I realize that it seems like I keep saying that, maybe its to convince myself. But I do know its time. Seems like I have been doing alot of letting go recently, leting go and taking new directions. I dont want to run away I just want to get away. There is a difference I think, maybe Im just rationalizing. I think I am going to take a trip next month back to Calf. My friends from Calf. will be here for 10 days on business and I think Ill chat with them about going and seeing them over Thanksgiving break. Then in Dec. I think Ill go back to Denmark and look for some job opportunities. Who the fuck knows what is going to happen. My only control I have over my life right now is the general direction it is going but I have to idea where it is headed. I am nowhere close to where I thought I was going to be 5 months ago. maybe i should look at this as a giant adventure, maybe one day I can but right now its just scarey. I want to be sure where I am headed in my career,I want to be working on a family, I want my girlfriend back, i want us to be back to where we were both on the same page, I want eveything to be back in its each little box so I knew exactly what was going on and where it was going. I want, I want, I want... If you have want in one hand and shit in the other the only thing you really have is shit. I used to say be careful what you pray for you get what you put out there and when you do you might be cheating yourself. I might pray for a mercedes but God has a Porsche planned for me. There might be someone better out there for me than her and I could be wasting time trying to make this happen. This part is hard to say but it is also equally true there might be someone better for her as well and I do want her to be happy and to have the best of life and if I cant give it to her I hope she can find the person that can. Since I broke my crystal ball I dont know. I guess its important to stay in the now and just do what I can. Pray more and keeping taking things as they come. I miss my spiritual life, it has been a long time since I have been to church and I do miss the relationshipI used to have with God. I used to pray every night and I have faltered with that. I think its time that I start to redevelop that relationship and turn things backover to him. I always do so much better when Im not trying to control things. let go and let God is what i was told the other day. If left up to me ill try to put a square peg in a round hole if i think it should fit. This needs to stop and I have a feeling that some of those other issues will go away as well as soon as I stop trying to control. So at the risk of sounding God crazy i am going to pray tonight, Im ging to pray that she finds the happiness that she is looking for and that she gets everything out of life she is seeking. Im going to ask for guidence, direction and the strength to follow that. I believe this is a good start.

what is done is done

So I gave in and called her today. I know it wasn't a great idea but I just felt as though I needed to get some things off my chest and get some answers. I did get some answers and it did help yet there are still things I don't understand. She said that it started back when I didn't hear what she was saying about Christine. I didn't give her what she asked for by putting Chris aside. She felt disrespected and it brought back all sorts of issues that she had lived with for four years. That's when her feelings started to change for me. She said that she wasn't saying this to make me blame myself but that is when she started to change. Even though I know that I didn't do anything on purpose to disrespect her or make her feel less than but that was the consequence. The first thought is that it is my fault but in reality it isn't. I was handling the situation the only way I knew how and it happened to step on her issues toes. How she interpreted the situation could have been different. However it happened it happened. I need to stop going over this in my mind trying to find a reason. What is is what is and what happened is done. The only thing that is going to happen by me going over this with a magnifying lens is that I am going to drive myself crazy. So Im going to stop. I wanted so badly to tell her that things could be different, I wanted so badly to tell her that I would never put anyone in front of her again, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance. But I didn't. I cant. I wont.As much as it hurts I have to respect her and more importantly myself. I keep saying and I keep being told that if it is meant to be it will be. This brings little to no comfort for me. I guess time will tell and if she comes back into my life then it is meant to be. I just cannot hold onto any hope or possibility of that happening.
she said she has already gone through what I am going through now. Im glad she is already seeing the other side.
I bounce back and forth between wanting to say fuck it and just giving up and holding on to some extent. Wanting to believe that maybe things will be different and we can have another chance. I know that sounds really pathetic and I bounce back and forth but that's how I work I guess. Im a libra and I always go back and forth until I find the balance. I just don't want to believe that she could have changed so much, that our love could have changed so much. I am happy for her that she has gotten in touch with the fact that she needs to not compromise herself.
She again expressed a desire for space and I know I have to honor that. We cant be just friends right now but Im sure that eventually we will be again. I cant imagine her not in my life yet I also cant imagine her as anything else other than my partner either. I know that in time this too shall pass. It is nothing I haven't been through before. I do know I don't want to be angry, and it is time to continue to work on getting on with things. The truth is life goes on whether she is here or not.
I went through my phone the other day and cleared out phone numbers of people that I didn't want in my life anymore. I am trying to surround myself with friends that want the same things out of life and and don't create drama. I need my friends close right now. It is time for a house cleaning.

side note to the whatever blog

Side note to the whatever blog

In my last blog I wrote about texting her and asking her to come over and my motives for doing so. I feel the need to explain a little about that. to say I had a shit day was an understatement. I felt as though my brain had all it could take. I dont do drugs, rarely drink and an old escape for me was sex. just felt as though I needed to get away and I knew that having her come over was a way to do that. I knew I couldnt, nor did I want to go to anyone else beause I didnt want to share that with anyone else, also I knew she could take me to a place that I needed to go. I didnt want to be made love to, I didnt want to share feelings I just wanted to get away and in the process possibly have a little closure. she had said that she was surprised that i wasnt fucking her out of my mind. I used to do that, out of a relationship into anothers bed. I guess I was trying to do that but just with her. I wanted to be able to let go of eveything. I wanted her to not stop when i asked her to, I wanted her to continue on even if cried, I wanted us to have angry sex. Thats what I was wanting. A chance to cleanse ourselves. it wasnt meant as disrespectful, degrading, offensive or anything negative it was something that just was. It was an old behavior and I was just seeking comfort and reflief in pretty much the only way I could think of. Healthy? I dont know but I do know it works. It is a mute point now but I just wanted to explain. I wrote about it because it was on my mind and I was upset with myself for even asking that of her.

whatever

O.k so I have no more blogs in the closet. I should know better than to get on here when Im upset. I have a tendenacy to just go off at the brain and spew all sorts of mushy stuff all over these pages and in the end loose any self respect or dignity that I have managed to salvage. When am I going to learn? How could I have been so wrong? Are my instincts so far off? Maybe my head was so lost in what I wanted to happen that I couldnt see the reality of what was actually in my face. I got the phone call again today saying that I should just go on with my life and not wait. That I deserved more and she didnt know if she was in love with me or if she could ever go back to being in love. The same story as five weeks ago. After the talk I went to work just to be told that my scheduling was incompatible with them and they thought it best that we part company. On top of that trying to fight off that damn bug that is going around. I guess it comes in three's.
She was right about one thing that is that I deserve so much more.The problem was I didnt realize that until tonight. Anywho in my pathetic little state before I came to this realization I texted her and asked her to come over. I didnt want to talk I just wanted her to fuck me. Blunt but to the point. I wanted to just go away for a little bit. To escape and then say goodbye. I didnt even get that. I did get a fucking but not the one I wanted.
I told her that I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me it was over before I could move on, I dont need that anymore. I get it now. I tend to be a pretty logical person I believe that for whatever we do we have a reason and I just couldnt understand why she couldnt tell me she wasnt in love with me. I told her that if she told me that I would go away, be done and she could have what she wanted. She cant do it maybe the reason she cant is that she still is in love with me or maybe she doesnt have a spine either and just cant face me, or maybe she is totally done and just doesnt want to deal with it. For whatever the reason it doesnt matter anymore.What bothers me so much is that I let myself stay in a position that continued to make me vunerable. I gave her all my power and she didnt deserve to have it. She couldnt handle it.The problem is when I love I give myself completely maybe the answer is to not do that anymore. I gave her control over my life. I was allowing her to make the decissions about what was going to happen. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
When am I going to learn to listen to what people are telling me. She told me 5 weeks ago the same stuff she said now and the whole time I continued to believe that she was just scared and this really wasnt what she wanted, that in time she would regret this and i just wanted to salvage something we might be able to have. I guess i was looking so deeply into trying to find the positive motives to this that I let myself get sucked in. this whole time i was making excuses for why she was doing the things she was doing. She was just scared thats why she was doing this, she just has issues but she really wants to be with me, she is just afraid of loving again but she will come around, this really isnt what she wants. Its not that I dont want to be single, its not that Im afraid to be alone or that I need to have someone there to feel good. what it is is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to make it work, I wanted to believe that she felt the same, I didnt want to do this all again. well here I go again and it is going to be just fine because I have leared from this. I finally have wised up, grown a spine and decided to get some balls. I do deserve so much more and why the hell would I want to stay in a situation with someone that doesnt know if she wants or is able to give me that. I have so much to give why throw it to someone that doesnt it want or appreciate it. I was willing to wait and I was willing to work things out but finally it has sinked in that there is nothing that needs to waited for or worked out. It has also become painfully obvious that there is no place left for me in her life or heart or for her in mine. She said I couldnt be just her friend and I agree for right now anyway. I appreciate all the bones she threw me about caring deeply for me, and not knowing for sure what she wants and doesnt want to play the come here go away game, she just wants me to be happy, all the lines ,but she can keep all that because i dont need them. Yes I am a little angry right now but this is exactly where I need to be. The whole situation sucks. Im mostly angry at myself for not handeling this better before. I should have found my spine and walked away 5 weeks ago and not looked back.
I find it interisting about me losing my job. Im not upset about it at all really. It wasnt where I wanted to be or anything that I wanted to be doing. Its funny how the universe gives us exactly what we need when we need it. I wasnt happy there so it got taken away. I said said before that its funny how the universe has a way of taking care of things the trick is keeping out of the way so miracles can happen. Thats what is going on in my life right now. So many changes so much growth. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I want to put the brakes on but then I look as to where I am going and what surprises are waiting. Maybe Ill take my friends up on some of their offers and spread my wings a little. I just know Im going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what happens next.

My night with Ms. Jenny

Mother Rick and his husband are out on the town tonight. They have a Tuesday ritual of Bingo at Parliment House, not to be confused with balcony bingo. They usually can only stay for an hour or so due to the fact the Ms. Jenny cant be alone for that long of time and all they do is worry when they are away. Ms. Jenny is an 85 year old lady that Rick takes care of and has taken care of for multiple years. Anyway she cant be left alone which leaves Rick to a homebound existence. I got off work around 1230 today and volunteered to sit with Ms. Jenny so mamma and papa bear could have a night out. Ms. Jenny and I watched T.V and hung out with the dogs and I listened to hear talk about the man in the corner( I didn't see him but she did) It has been a nice quiet night. Tater and Bamse got a bath, everybody is walked and fed. They have called three times to make sure everything was o.k and to thank me for sitting with her. Hell its the least I could do for them after everything they do for me. Im just waiting for them to get home so I can get into my own bed and have a good night sleep. I have a busy day tomorrow that consists of a physical for a job, school and then work. Tomorrow will start at about 0800 and I should be done around 2200 if I cant get away sooner. Anywho Im going to head back to the sofa, put my feet up and if I fall asleep the boys will throw a blanket over me and Ill sleep here. Kinda wanted to be home, I feel as though Im missing something.

Time

On Time

John Milton

Fly, envious Time, till thou run out thy race,

Call on the lazy leaden-stepping hours,

Whose speed is but heavy plummet's pace;

And glut thy self with what thy womb devours,

Which is no more than what is false and vain,

And merely mortal dross;

So little is our loss,

So little is thy gain.

For when as each thing bad thou hast entomb'd

And last of all thy greedy self consum'd,

Then long eternity shall greet our bliss

With an individual kiss;

And joy shall overtake us as a flood,

When every thing that is sincerely good

And perfectly divine,

With truth, and peace, and love shall ever shine

About the supreme throne

Of him, t' whose happy-making sight alone,

When once our heav'nly-guided soul shall clime,

Than all this earthly grossness quit,

Attir'd with stars, we shall for ever sit,

Triumphing over Death, and Chance, and thee, O Time.

Everybody was putting poetry up so I decided to follow suit. I love this poem and read it often. We have nothing but time, there needs to be no rush or hurry. Everything comes in its own time and in the end is the great reward for our paitence.