steps

Ever have those days when it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back? I had my second interview today with the Public defenders office and it went really well. This is the job that I really wanted doing something that was really productive, beneficial and a career move. My only concern was in getting this job I felt bad about leaving the law firm, even though it really wasn't the job I wanted , I was currently looking for another firm, and I wanted to find something for more money and experience. Well the universe, God, whatever you choose took care of that for me today. The firm ran my drivers report. I didn't think any big deal because for the last 4 or so years I have taken off the lead boot, but they ran a complete record check. They said that they had to take into account my entire history because if ever something happened when I was out on a run for them the opposing lawyer would run a complete check so they had to as well. taking this info into account I was considered a liability and since I might have to drive for them occasionally they couldn't assume that liability. So basically they gave me a two weeks notice. That's a first. They said that I could use them as a reference and they wished it could be different and they didn't want me to be upset. I had just had a conversation with a friend that although this firm was a start it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt I could be doing something more. Here's my sign. I know to be careful about speaking things. Anyway Im going to talk with Harley and get more hours there until I can find another position that I really want or until this P.D. job comes into play. It is working in the juvenile division so Im sure it will be challenging and Im sure quite heartbreaking at times.
Just seems as though everytime I start to get going in the direction that I would like something comes along and presents difficulties. Im so tired of getting shot down. This past year really has sucked and I have gone through more metamorphosis then I would like. First ended a almost 6 year relationship, then moving, then changing jobs, health issues, school, another break up, and the continual self-reflection. O.K. Enough of the self pity what am I going to do about it? I am going to look at the fact that I have my health, my family and friends have their health, when a door closes a window is opened, and like everything there is a reason for everything and all I have to do is to try to do the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have realized something about myself, I am noticing some behaviors that I have started that I don't like. Don't really feel like getting into details (another blog day) but lets just say that it isn't the kind of person that I want to be so I know I have to take certain actions to not continue.
I just wish that I could get a burning bush, a crystal ball or something that would let me what Im supposed to be doing , where Im suppossed to be doing it, who Im to do it with, and how Im going to get there. I am just tired of wasting time. I feel as though the clock is ticking and I just want to get things right. Its this not knowing thing that drives me apeshit.
I went to a noon mass today. Dont worry to much not, Im not a Catholic, Im Episcapal. The first time in a long while, I really miss the spiritual aspect of my life. I find that when I am in touch with that my acceptance, patience and peace come alot easier. I dont think its because situations change it is my perception of them that change and Im not trying to control my surroundings. I even have started to read a book on Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths. I also started to read my books on Taoism again.