whatever

O.k so I have no more blogs in the closet. I should know better than to get on here when Im upset. I have a tendenacy to just go off at the brain and spew all sorts of mushy stuff all over these pages and in the end loose any self respect or dignity that I have managed to salvage. When am I going to learn? How could I have been so wrong? Are my instincts so far off? Maybe my head was so lost in what I wanted to happen that I couldnt see the reality of what was actually in my face. I got the phone call again today saying that I should just go on with my life and not wait. That I deserved more and she didnt know if she was in love with me or if she could ever go back to being in love. The same story as five weeks ago. After the talk I went to work just to be told that my scheduling was incompatible with them and they thought it best that we part company. On top of that trying to fight off that damn bug that is going around. I guess it comes in three's.
She was right about one thing that is that I deserve so much more.The problem was I didnt realize that until tonight. Anywho in my pathetic little state before I came to this realization I texted her and asked her to come over. I didnt want to talk I just wanted her to fuck me. Blunt but to the point. I wanted to just go away for a little bit. To escape and then say goodbye. I didnt even get that. I did get a fucking but not the one I wanted.
I told her that I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me it was over before I could move on, I dont need that anymore. I get it now. I tend to be a pretty logical person I believe that for whatever we do we have a reason and I just couldnt understand why she couldnt tell me she wasnt in love with me. I told her that if she told me that I would go away, be done and she could have what she wanted. She cant do it maybe the reason she cant is that she still is in love with me or maybe she doesnt have a spine either and just cant face me, or maybe she is totally done and just doesnt want to deal with it. For whatever the reason it doesnt matter anymore.What bothers me so much is that I let myself stay in a position that continued to make me vunerable. I gave her all my power and she didnt deserve to have it. She couldnt handle it.The problem is when I love I give myself completely maybe the answer is to not do that anymore. I gave her control over my life. I was allowing her to make the decissions about what was going to happen. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
When am I going to learn to listen to what people are telling me. She told me 5 weeks ago the same stuff she said now and the whole time I continued to believe that she was just scared and this really wasnt what she wanted, that in time she would regret this and i just wanted to salvage something we might be able to have. I guess i was looking so deeply into trying to find the positive motives to this that I let myself get sucked in. this whole time i was making excuses for why she was doing the things she was doing. She was just scared thats why she was doing this, she just has issues but she really wants to be with me, she is just afraid of loving again but she will come around, this really isnt what she wants. Its not that I dont want to be single, its not that Im afraid to be alone or that I need to have someone there to feel good. what it is is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to make it work, I wanted to believe that she felt the same, I didnt want to do this all again. well here I go again and it is going to be just fine because I have leared from this. I finally have wised up, grown a spine and decided to get some balls. I do deserve so much more and why the hell would I want to stay in a situation with someone that doesnt know if she wants or is able to give me that. I have so much to give why throw it to someone that doesnt it want or appreciate it. I was willing to wait and I was willing to work things out but finally it has sinked in that there is nothing that needs to waited for or worked out. It has also become painfully obvious that there is no place left for me in her life or heart or for her in mine. She said I couldnt be just her friend and I agree for right now anyway. I appreciate all the bones she threw me about caring deeply for me, and not knowing for sure what she wants and doesnt want to play the come here go away game, she just wants me to be happy, all the lines ,but she can keep all that because i dont need them. Yes I am a little angry right now but this is exactly where I need to be. The whole situation sucks. Im mostly angry at myself for not handeling this better before. I should have found my spine and walked away 5 weeks ago and not looked back.
I find it interisting about me losing my job. Im not upset about it at all really. It wasnt where I wanted to be or anything that I wanted to be doing. Its funny how the universe gives us exactly what we need when we need it. I wasnt happy there so it got taken away. I said said before that its funny how the universe has a way of taking care of things the trick is keeping out of the way so miracles can happen. Thats what is going on in my life right now. So many changes so much growth. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I want to put the brakes on but then I look as to where I am going and what surprises are waiting. Maybe Ill take my friends up on some of their offers and spread my wings a little. I just know Im going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what happens next.