thinking again

no big surprise but I have been thinking again. Actually more reflecting then anything but this is what I came up with. I was going over our conversation today and thinking about what I could have done different with the Christine situation and something occurred to me. This happened back in April this is October now. I believe that when I started to realize what this actually meant to her I took care of it. For those of you who are scratching your heads the rundown is that my ex of 6 years had started calling me again and was very remorseful about the things she had done to me. There were a few times that she called very late at night in tears and wanted to talk. One time she had said that if things didn't work out with S that she wanted me back. I told her that I was never going to leave S and that I understood what she was saying but that she had her chance and I was with the one I loved. After that conversation she didn't bring that up anymore and actually was very supportive of S and I. But S had issues with Chris and said that she was being disrespectful and was just waiting in the wings and that I was keeping the door open for her. She requested that I put Chris out of my life until she could feel secure enough knowing that Chris respected our relationship. I didn't do that. I had been with Chris for almost 6 years and still loved her. In love ?no. wanted to be with her? no. In fact any conversation Chris and I had I told S about. If there was something that was going on I wouldn't have been so open. S and I had only been in a relationship for a couple of months and I didn't see the reason to put Chris out of my life that and I didn't know how to either. She wasn't being disrespectful and I saw it as S putting her issues on me when she should have trusted me to tell her the truth. I did talk to Chris and told her to not call for awhile and to let me call her when things were settled and that she could call if it was important.There was another incident with another girl flirting with me but we were told by a friend mutual friend that she was harmless and when she did start to obviously disrespect our relationship I took care of that as well. I am not a cheater and had never given her any reason to think I was. Now all his started in April and S is still angry about it and says that this is when her feelings started to change. It kinda seems to me that this is an excuse for us not being together. Not saying that she didn't have valid reason to be upset and given her history I can understand the insecurities. But I was talking about us having a family in a year or so down the line and getting married. I was planning a future with her. I had even said when Im done with schooling she could go back to get her Masters and I would support us. Why would I make all these plans if that's not what I wanted? Why is she still holding on to that when I did take care of things. If it was so major that her feelings were changing we should have taken care of that. She said that sometimes you can love someone but cant be with them. I don't believe that. I think its that you don't want to be with them. P.T. I go back to your question how dirty are you willing to get your hands to have a clean heart. I was willing to do whatever it took I just didn't understand how to hear her. Maybe a more appropriate statement would have been sometimes you can love someone and not be with them right now. I can agree with that. She says that she changed since March but in June and July we were talking about a future, our future. I thnk maybe she hasnt changed so much as her fears were starting to surface and things that were happening were just a little to scarey for her to deal with. I don't get it, I dont think she really does either. she said we are beating a dead horse I dont see it that way I dont thimk we really addressed any of the core issues that went wrong with us but maybe she doesnt want to. This doesnt explain why she cries when she gets close to me, why she needed to be close to me and more importantly why this is really happening. I guess I may never know those answers but I hope she figures them out for herself so she can heal. Lord knows I am asking myself enough questions for the both of us but the answers she needs only she can figure out.Im asking myself those same questions and eventually Ill figure it out. I need to know those answers so next time I can do something different and so I can get to know myself a little better.