Long time no see

It has been a long time since my last blog. I have been so caught up with work and school that all I want to do when I get home or to Mother Ricks is sleep. This is a typical Monday and wed. For me. Class from 1130 to 1245. Then straight to work at the law firm until 600. Then back to school from 700 to 945. On tues, thurs, and friday it is work at the law firm from 830 until 600. When Im not in class or at work Im in trying to fit in homework, studying and a small amount of relaxation. On Sat. Im at Harley from 900 until 600. Then on Sun from 930 to 500. So to say Im busy is an understatement but it is a good thing to keep my mind busy.
Last week I asked her to stop calling me. I did this because that was the advise everyone was giving me. "You cant get over her unless she is out of your life, you need time apart, if she is so confused you don't need to be around her", etc., etc., etc. I even had a friend offer to drive me to the ball store so I could pick up a pair. Yet after the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and push them back in. It just didn't feel like the right thing to do. Intellectually it seemed like the best thing but it just didn't feel right. Not to mention the night before she called I was thinking and throwing out to the universe that I wanted her to call. Later that night I found myself texting her. She called and wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I guess Im just as confused as her. When do you stop listening to your heart? How can you tell when you are fooling yourself? I don't know. Again she told me I should get on with my life. That I should date. I date to see if I want to be with that person, or if there is that spark that something could start. I don't want that. I have been asked out by 7 different women but I have no desire to go. If I cant be with her then I would rather be by myself. Maybe this makes me a totally pathetic individual. I guess one would say that dating will help me get over her. I don't want to do it that way, it isn't getting over it is replacing and I don't want to do that. It isn't fair to the one I would be dating or the next person I choose to be with. All it does is cover, it doesn't disolve.Its like having the flu and taking something for the cough it just removes a symptom not the root of the problem.Why the hell do I miss her so much? Why cant I let go? Why cant I get it through my head that this is something I need to just forget. Why do I hold on to something that she obviously doesn't want. I mean Christ she has told me point blank to date others. I don't think I am that disfunctional or have low self esteem. I look better than I ever have.I think I deserve to be happy and to get what I want out of life and a partner. In the back of my mind I guess there is a little piece that still believes that things can work out. that if I hang on to just a little bit she will come around. and I can still be there. How do I get that little piece out of my mind? How do I separate my heart? She said this was easier for her than for me. One would think that comment alone would do it. When Im at work at Harley I find myself looking for things that she would like or that would look cute on her. Friday Im taking home one of the bikes that I would like to get and I was thinking about when the best time to call to see if she wanted to go riding with me. What the hell am I thinking??? This is a woman that has said she doesn't want to be with me, is dating others, tells me to date others. Why cant I tell her to piss up a rope and be done with it? Why do I want someone that doesn't want me?
My friends called me from Denmark again today and want me to move back there. Right now that seems like a really good idea. I started to look on the internet for jobs there and I got my passport application to renew it. I don't know so much to think about. I really like my job at the law firm and Harley and I love school yet I miss Denmark.I know that I would just be running and that doesn't work. Eveything catches up to you eventually and bites you in the ass that much harder.I think I am going to start looking for a international or corp. law firm that has clients overseas and try to get a job there. This way when I do finish school I can move into a paralegal position that might require travel.