Friday, October 13, 2006
thinking again
no big surprise but I have been thinking again. Actually more reflecting then anything but this is what I came up with. I was going over our conversation today and thinking about what I could have done different with the Christine situation and something occurred to me. This happened back in April this is October now. I believe that when I started to realize what this actually meant to her I took care of it. For those of you who are scratching your heads the rundown is that my ex of 6 years had started calling me again and was very remorseful about the things she had done to me. There were a few times that she called very late at night in tears and wanted to talk. One time she had said that if things didn't work out with S that she wanted me back. I told her that I was never going to leave S and that I understood what she was saying but that she had her chance and I was with the one I loved. After that conversation she didn't bring that up anymore and actually was very supportive of S and I. But S had issues with Chris and said that she was being disrespectful and was just waiting in the wings and that I was keeping the door open for her. She requested that I put Chris out of my life until she could feel secure enough knowing that Chris respected our relationship. I didn't do that. I had been with Chris for almost 6 years and still loved her. In love ?no. wanted to be with her? no. In fact any conversation Chris and I had I told S about. If there was something that was going on I wouldn't have been so open. S and I had only been in a relationship for a couple of months and I didn't see the reason to put Chris out of my life that and I didn't know how to either. She wasn't being disrespectful and I saw it as S putting her issues on me when she should have trusted me to tell her the truth. I did talk to Chris and told her to not call for awhile and to let me call her when things were settled and that she could call if it was important.There was another incident with another girl flirting with me but we were told by a friend mutual friend that she was harmless and when she did start to obviously disrespect our relationship I took care of that as well. I am not a cheater and had never given her any reason to think I was. Now all his started in April and S is still angry about it and says that this is when her feelings started to change. It kinda seems to me that this is an excuse for us not being together. Not saying that she didn't have valid reason to be upset and given her history I can understand the insecurities. But I was talking about us having a family in a year or so down the line and getting married. I was planning a future with her. I had even said when Im done with schooling she could go back to get her Masters and I would support us. Why would I make all these plans if that's not what I wanted? Why is she still holding on to that when I did take care of things. If it was so major that her feelings were changing we should have taken care of that. She said that sometimes you can love someone but cant be with them. I don't believe that. I think its that you don't want to be with them. P.T. I go back to your question how dirty are you willing to get your hands to have a clean heart. I was willing to do whatever it took I just didn't understand how to hear her. Maybe a more appropriate statement would have been sometimes you can love someone and not be with them right now. I can agree with that. She says that she changed since March but in June and July we were talking about a future, our future. I thnk maybe she hasnt changed so much as her fears were starting to surface and things that were happening were just a little to scarey for her to deal with. I don't get it, I dont think she really does either. she said we are beating a dead horse I dont see it that way I dont thimk we really addressed any of the core issues that went wrong with us but maybe she doesnt want to. This doesnt explain why she cries when she gets close to me, why she needed to be close to me and more importantly why this is really happening. I guess I may never know those answers but I hope she figures them out for herself so she can heal. Lord knows I am asking myself enough questions for the both of us but the answers she needs only she can figure out.Im asking myself those same questions and eventually Ill figure it out. I need to know those answers so next time I can do something different and so I can get to know myself a little better.
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4 comments:
Hi, sweetie! You know, this story about S sounds familiar to me. It took me a really long time to fully trust my husband with my heart (not to mention my body!). We were together for years (committed shacking) before I could bring myself to marry again. It had nothing to do with him, he is absolutely wonderful. Even marriage was not a happily ever after for us. I still have alot of issues. Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband. Marriage with a traumatized partner is a lifetime commitment in more ways than one. It's possible that S is simply unable to really 'be' in a relationship right now. I'm so sorry that you have been hurt by the trauma as well. It seems to have a way of branching out from the traumatized person, touching just about everyone who loves her/him in some form or another.
Hey lynn: thanks so much for your kind words and I think you are entirely correct on every aspect. I think she is unable and unwilling to be in a relationship. Was/ it difficult for you to put your husband through that how did you not give up? I dont think anything I said she believed and she would say that she couldnt give me what I deserved. I guess the only thing for me to do is move on but I so dont want to yet i have no choice.I would have given a lifetime of commitement. Last week she said if she could put all this behind her she would, now its she doesnt know if she is in love with me. is this a similar rollercoaster ride for you?
It was a roller-coaster in the beginning and it is a roller-coaster now. I even threw the poor man out of the house right after we moved in together. At the time, I wasn't really sure why I did the things I did. I was a mess and didn't even know it! Thank God I came to my senses and asked him to move back in. I was scared, but I didn't realize why. Sex made me scared and uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything because I just didn't 'get' what my problem was, even after everything I went through. I swept it all under the rug to be able to survive psychologically. I love him, so we stayed together.
My husband is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met. I think this is why I did not give up. After enduring a life of horrible abuse, I couldn't help but be drawn to someone so gentle. But I had been fooled before and I guess I was on guard. If you've ever been around an animal who has been abused, then you know what I mean. They want comfort, but are SO afraid. It's horribly confusing for the abused person when someone wants to love them. It's terrifying!
I've been tormented off and on by panic attacks since the rape when I was fifteen, but I just learned how to live with it the best I could. I'd been with my husband for a year or so when the bad dreams started coming. More panic attacks, eventually nightmares, and then more recently the memories started leaking out a bit at a time. Child abuse, teenage rape, sadistic ex, all of it. Now, I'm scared alot of the time because of the memories, nightmares and flashbacks. I'm really having a very terrible time of this whole thing. My husband does not lose his patience with me. He is as gentle and loving as always. Sometimes I just sit down and cry because of how things are for me. Sometimes, he cries too and it just breaks my heart. We have a lovely family and I can't fully enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like absolute dirt because I feel that it is all my fault and my lovely husband only has half of a wife. Just yesterday I started to cry and I asked him how he could possibly love me like this. He said that he would love me any way that I am, because of WHO I am. I couldn't understand and I set about running myself into the ground - going on about how useless I am. He sat and talked with me and reminded me over and over, until I could think right again, of all the useful things I do for our family and what a good mother and wife I am.
Have you ever seen the movie, 'What Dreams May Come'? There is a scene where the wife is trapped in hell and her husband is confronted by their children as he is leaving to go after her. He says, "I can't leave your mother there." This is my husband. He comes into my personal hell and he finds me there and shows me the way out. To me, he is a saint, he is a God. I love him like crazy and would never leave him, ever!
I don't know if I've answered your questions, but I'm glad you asked because I've answered a few of my own. Now that I am sobbing like a baby to the music of my snoring God, I will go. I hope I have given you a look into a trauma-containing marriage.
you so mch for sharing with me. i only hopw that one day she will realize that i am exactly like your husband. Im not even sure if this is what is going on with her but I do know that she is dealing or not wanting to deal with some pretty deep stuff. She said that being with me brings up old stuff and she cant deal with that. I dont know if I will eer get the chance to prove to her how much she means to me or if i will ever know what I mean to her but i do know that no matter what I wish her peace. I hop that by taking with me you are able to lay to rest soke of your questions
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