Have to stop

I have to stop this. I keep thinking what if... what if isn't important anymore. What if frogs had glass asses? All I need to do is think about what I can do to make myself o.k. I keep thinking that if I had done something different that things wouldn't be where they are right now.Odds are they probably would have but I do wonder. I have to remember that this isn't all my fault, it takes two. Maybe things could have been headed off if she had handled things differently. Granted I wasn't hearing her but it wasn't because I didn't want to we were just speaking two different languages.See here I go again trying to figure it out. I need to stop this because i wont be able to. It just is. This need to figure things out is part of my problem.
I understand that she needs to not compromise herself and I understand that she needs to be with someone that hears her. I wish there was a way that I could convince her that she could have all that from me but there isn't. If she wanted to she would give me that chance, if she wanted to we could work things out and if she let me i could hear her and give her what she asks for. But... but that isn't the case.This obviously snt what she wants or maybe its what she wants but doesnt think she can have. Even if there was a way to tell her eveything I dont think she would believe it, this isnt where she wants to be. she doesnt want to risk it. Yet this isn't the place either one of us needs to be. We both have healing to do. The only thing I can show her is that I am respecting what she has asked for which is to let things settle. This is so difficult just because I don't like surprises like this. I don't like not knowing and i don't like hurting or being hurt. The only thing left is to leave this up to fate and time. If this was meant to be it will be but in the mean time it is time to let go. Let go for her and to let go for me. I realize that it seems like I keep saying that, maybe its to convince myself. But I do know its time. Seems like I have been doing alot of letting go recently, leting go and taking new directions. I dont want to run away I just want to get away. There is a difference I think, maybe Im just rationalizing. I think I am going to take a trip next month back to Calf. My friends from Calf. will be here for 10 days on business and I think Ill chat with them about going and seeing them over Thanksgiving break. Then in Dec. I think Ill go back to Denmark and look for some job opportunities. Who the fuck knows what is going to happen. My only control I have over my life right now is the general direction it is going but I have to idea where it is headed. I am nowhere close to where I thought I was going to be 5 months ago. maybe i should look at this as a giant adventure, maybe one day I can but right now its just scarey. I want to be sure where I am headed in my career,I want to be working on a family, I want my girlfriend back, i want us to be back to where we were both on the same page, I want eveything to be back in its each little box so I knew exactly what was going on and where it was going. I want, I want, I want... If you have want in one hand and shit in the other the only thing you really have is shit. I used to say be careful what you pray for you get what you put out there and when you do you might be cheating yourself. I might pray for a mercedes but God has a Porsche planned for me. There might be someone better out there for me than her and I could be wasting time trying to make this happen. This part is hard to say but it is also equally true there might be someone better for her as well and I do want her to be happy and to have the best of life and if I cant give it to her I hope she can find the person that can. Since I broke my crystal ball I dont know. I guess its important to stay in the now and just do what I can. Pray more and keeping taking things as they come. I miss my spiritual life, it has been a long time since I have been to church and I do miss the relationshipI used to have with God. I used to pray every night and I have faltered with that. I think its time that I start to redevelop that relationship and turn things backover to him. I always do so much better when Im not trying to control things. let go and let God is what i was told the other day. If left up to me ill try to put a square peg in a round hole if i think it should fit. This needs to stop and I have a feeling that some of those other issues will go away as well as soon as I stop trying to control. So at the risk of sounding God crazy i am going to pray tonight, Im ging to pray that she finds the happiness that she is looking for and that she gets everything out of life she is seeking. Im going to ask for guidence, direction and the strength to follow that. I believe this is a good start.