blockage

Today was a day of working on the motorcycle and getting the house in order. I was asked Sunday night why I hadn't put up the rest of my pictures or organized my bedroom since I had been there since the beginning of August. I had to think about that one for awhile but the answer that came to me was that I was waiting for someone to help me with it. I had never lived alone before and making something mine is a new concept for me. So today I decided to make the apartment mine. I put up all the pictures where I wanted them, set up my bed frame and redecorated. It felt really good to do this, to make this space mine. I was also asked Sunday night why I was so blocked. She said that when she looked at me that was all she could see. This got into a discussion about my fear of failure and that I am working on putting that to rest. Which is very true I don't feel so afraid of trying things anymore worried that I cant succeed. I am tired of failing because I am afraid to fail. She said that while she understood that she thought that was ridiculous just because she sees so much more in me than that. As she said that and I think about it now I agree with her but not because someone else sees an intelligent, beautiful, special woman, with so much to offer but because I actually see it in myself. I don't need anyone's else's validation. It is nice to hear but I can actually look in the mirror and say those things to myself. She wanted to know what else was there. (Cops.. and I thought I asked alot of questions.) I told her that I was just getting over a relationship that I didnt want to end and that while I realized it was over I was just trying to find my way back. I didnt want closeness, intimacy, emotional ties, or anything that might let someone in. I just wanted to forget. Forget and heal . I was putting my heart back in my pocket and while I wasnt closing it off for forever I was giving it a rest.
I got a job at one of the local Harley dealerships today. I went in for parts and came out with a job. Im in heaven!!!Everything in the store is sold to employees at cost plus 10% and the discount on the bikes WOW!!! I am still working at getting that job at the attorneys but I can keep the Harley job on the weekends. I want to get a new bike within the year.
Usually I get a new tattoo and/or something else symbolic after a breakup. Im behind a little here so I have a new tattoo scheduled for next month. It is going to be a phoenix rising out of the flames headed to the sky. The flames are going to have a symbolism to them that I am going to keep to myself but the phoenix is going to be on my left shoulder. I have a Chinese dragon on my right and I am going to have the Chinese symbol redone. The symbol stands for chaos. I believe that to be a pretty good analogy of life . That everything starts from chaos and is developed from there and that chaos is still a part of tranquility like yen is to yang. They compliment each other and to know one you have to know the other. Well I have known and lived both.