Long time no see

It has been a long time since my last blog. I have been so caught up with work and school that all I want to do when I get home or to Mother Ricks is sleep. This is a typical Monday and wed. For me. Class from 1130 to 1245. Then straight to work at the law firm until 600. Then back to school from 700 to 945. On tues, thurs, and friday it is work at the law firm from 830 until 600. When Im not in class or at work Im in trying to fit in homework, studying and a small amount of relaxation. On Sat. Im at Harley from 900 until 600. Then on Sun from 930 to 500. So to say Im busy is an understatement but it is a good thing to keep my mind busy.
Last week I asked her to stop calling me. I did this because that was the advise everyone was giving me. "You cant get over her unless she is out of your life, you need time apart, if she is so confused you don't need to be around her", etc., etc., etc. I even had a friend offer to drive me to the ball store so I could pick up a pair. Yet after the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and push them back in. It just didn't feel like the right thing to do. Intellectually it seemed like the best thing but it just didn't feel right. Not to mention the night before she called I was thinking and throwing out to the universe that I wanted her to call. Later that night I found myself texting her. She called and wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I guess Im just as confused as her. When do you stop listening to your heart? How can you tell when you are fooling yourself? I don't know. Again she told me I should get on with my life. That I should date. I date to see if I want to be with that person, or if there is that spark that something could start. I don't want that. I have been asked out by 7 different women but I have no desire to go. If I cant be with her then I would rather be by myself. Maybe this makes me a totally pathetic individual. I guess one would say that dating will help me get over her. I don't want to do it that way, it isn't getting over it is replacing and I don't want to do that. It isn't fair to the one I would be dating or the next person I choose to be with. All it does is cover, it doesn't disolve.Its like having the flu and taking something for the cough it just removes a symptom not the root of the problem.Why the hell do I miss her so much? Why cant I let go? Why cant I get it through my head that this is something I need to just forget. Why do I hold on to something that she obviously doesn't want. I mean Christ she has told me point blank to date others. I don't think I am that disfunctional or have low self esteem. I look better than I ever have.I think I deserve to be happy and to get what I want out of life and a partner. In the back of my mind I guess there is a little piece that still believes that things can work out. that if I hang on to just a little bit she will come around. and I can still be there. How do I get that little piece out of my mind? How do I separate my heart? She said this was easier for her than for me. One would think that comment alone would do it. When Im at work at Harley I find myself looking for things that she would like or that would look cute on her. Friday Im taking home one of the bikes that I would like to get and I was thinking about when the best time to call to see if she wanted to go riding with me. What the hell am I thinking??? This is a woman that has said she doesn't want to be with me, is dating others, tells me to date others. Why cant I tell her to piss up a rope and be done with it? Why do I want someone that doesn't want me?
My friends called me from Denmark again today and want me to move back there. Right now that seems like a really good idea. I started to look on the internet for jobs there and I got my passport application to renew it. I don't know so much to think about. I really like my job at the law firm and Harley and I love school yet I miss Denmark.I know that I would just be running and that doesn't work. Eveything catches up to you eventually and bites you in the ass that much harder.I think I am going to start looking for a international or corp. law firm that has clients overseas and try to get a job there. This way when I do finish school I can move into a paralegal position that might require travel.

Experiment

Today after the interview I was feeling a little sad. I decided to do a little experiment to maybe make myself feel little better. So as I was leaving Publix I smiled and said hello to everyone I passed. Not just a nod of the head or a half faked smile but a genuine smile and hello. Eveyone that I met smiled back and said hello as well. It made me feel better even though it was just for a short time. it also brightened my day and hopefully made their day a little brighter as well.
I was a little sad because I was missing her today. There are just so many wonderful, exciting things that are going on in my life right now and it makes me a little sad that she isn't here to share in them with me. Its not because I miss having someone around or because I need to have her I just miss having her in my life. I have close friends that I am sharing my life with I just miss having her as one of them. I loved her and I still do love her. I know that life goes on and that I can be happy without her in my life it just feels as though a piece is missing. That piece is her. I know that for a multitude of reasons we cant be together now but I also know that knowing all this wont make me love her less or miss her less.

Decisions decisions decisions

I had another interview today at a different law firm, it looks promising. Here is the dilemma. I have already accepted the job at law firm #1 and start tomorrow. This job will work around school and there is potential for advancement. Issue is they pay is lower then job #2. With job #2 I haven't for sure gotten it but it looks really good. The pay is higher but my responsibilities will be greater and they will be less flexible on the hours because of the increased responsibilities. Im thinking I don't need the additional stress from job #2 being Im still in school, working at Harley on the weekends, want to donate some time for service work, and would like to be able to enjoy a little down time so I don't burn out. I talked to my mom today and she said that one bird in the hand was better than two in the bush and that I should probably stick with job #1. She then offered to help me a little more so that it would compensate for the $ difference. Looking at all this on paper(screen) I think I should stick with job #1. even though I would like to be in a position of more money and responsibility there is plenty of time to have that after graduation. Right now I need to focus on what is happening right now, what is going to be the best for my future and what conditions are going to best assist me.
Speaking of future and school. I got my midterm back form Real property and I got a 94. ROCK THE FUCK ON!!!! My second midterm is tonight in Legal research which I am getting ready to go study for after this. I have started to put any assignment that is not 100% up on my fridge or within sight. This is just to remind me that there is need for improvement.
My crazy, psychotic friend Pat gave me the lecture today that Im going to have a breakdown cause she thinks Im taking on too much. I tried to explain to her that this is my life and whee I want to get in life takes what I am doing now. In order to succeed I need to do service work, dedicate time for school , studying and work. That the law firm job was imperative because that is where I wanted to be and the Harley job was fun for me and it didn't take up my complete weekend. She said that I needed time to sit around in my boxers and drink a beer if I wanted and I didn't have that time. She just doesn't get that I have already had that time to sit around in my boxers and drink beer and and that it was time for Peter Pan to grow up and do something to get me where I wanted to be. We just have different life goals and she doesn't understand the time management concept. I get that there is only so many hours in the day but what I don't think she gets is that I am just rearranging my priorities on how I spend that time. I appreciate here concerns and it is something to keep an eye on yet I don't think she gets it.

Desiderata

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain and bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.

Dyna or Soft Tail

Another great day. I wasn't able to make it down to Daytona Beach for Biketober Fest but that's O.k. I had such a great day at Harley!! I chatted with one of the salesmen today about which bike I want. I still cant decide. Its between the two above. I know I still have 88 days to decide but I am a kid in a candy store. The second one is a Dyna Super Glide Custom. The first is A Soft Tail Standard. The soft tail is a smoother ride but I like to hot rod and the Dyna is better equipped for the type of riding that I do. Anyway I learned everything about the bikes that I could possible want to know today. I also talked with one of the techs and when I bring my bike in they will let me use their tools to work on my bike there. Cant get any better than that!!
I was talking with Traci today and she is trying to decide if she should leave her boyfriend. We spent a lot of time chatting and I found myself listening to the advise I was giving her. I saw her going through pretty much what I had just gone through so it touched a place in my heart. I think the best thing I told her was to not throw her love away on someone that doesn't appreciate it or want it. That it is O.K. for her to love him but it takes two and since he isn't living up to his part of the bargain that maybe she should just move on and do for herself. She was waiting for him to make up his mind about what he wanted to do so she she could decide what she should do. She was giving him power over her life. I also told her something that I had been told along time ago that is so true but had forgotten and that is actions speak louder than words. Usually cliches annoy me but this one is so true. One little thing I told her was that love was more than an emotion it was an action as well. I think she is going to leave him and my heart goes out to her because I know how much she loves him and how it feels to be so confused about what to do. Even with that heavy conversation it was still a really good day. I told my friends today that I was gay, I didn't actually come out and say it but I dropped all the pronouns I was using. I was a little worried but it was no big deal to them. I just figured I didn't want to Portia myself as someone Im not and if I cant be who I am then I don't need to be there. Im not going to be a s open at the law firm but eventually Im sure I will. Being gay just isn't something that goes on your resume under additional skills, not for a law firm anyway. I have been thinking about looking into the local chapter of the ACLU if Orlando even has one and seeing about maybe volunteering a little bit of time there. Im trying not to bite off more than I can chew but Getting involved more is something that I think is beneficial. Anywho after my midterm tomorrow I can think more about that. Not too worried about the midterm tomorrow. It is in legal research.. no problem... but I need to get to bed I have that other interview tomorrow morning. figured might as well go, it is good experience and it cant hurt to see the comparison in the law firms.

Happy bubble

I had such an incredible day. I started work at Harley today and had an absolute blast. How could it not be fun we spent the day looking at clothes, trying them on, helping other people find things and prepare a shopping list for ourselves. The girls I work with are so funny. The boss had ordered pizza today for everyone and I told them that I didn't eat pizza. So we got into a discussion about my eating habits which led to me saying that I have lost about 50 lbs. and needed to get new clothes because nothing fit. OH MY GOD!! Talk about opening a can of worms. They just started pulling stuff off the shelf. It was so funny but it made me feel so good. I was actually trying on things from the girls side. I have always been really stocky/athletic and have never been called tiny to my recollection but today trying on those clothes Laurie said "damn girl your tiny." It was so wonderful trying on things that didn't need to be worn with boxers, usually everything I wore was baggy. Im getting a pair of overalls tomorrow that I just look so adorable in. Also getting a pair of low riders that are fucking HOT!!!II held them up looking at them and I couldn't believe that I could actually fit in them. A size 6!! That's right a 6 and they have an incredible ass factor.It is so weird almost like I was a different person. I actually have a figure and a damn good one too. I felt so good about myself and how I looked.
All today I have felt so happy and it is all up to the fact that I am doing for myself. Im at Harley cause I want to be and it is playing with things I love. The attorneys office is where I want to go and is just a beginning. All this time I have always been told that Im intelligent, have tons of potential, etc. Yet I never really saw it coming together. Now I have all these opportunities and these people are coming for me for what I have to offer and that I can choose what I want is so incredible to me. Today driving home I got all teared up because I feel so happy. What makes it even better is that this is all coming from me for me. It isn't because of who is in my life or how someone else is making me feel, it is 100% because of what I am making happen in my life. Pretty much right now my life is school, work, my Harley, my dog, my blog at night and a few incredible close friends. I already have my new bike picked out. Im down to two choices. A softtail standard or the dyna super glide custom. I have only 89 more days until I get the discount:)
I just feel so different. I feel almost like the old me back before Ann. Almost like that but better. I have a renewed confidence and self-esteem. I know that all the days aren't going to be perfect and that there is going to come a time that something is going to happen to bust the happy bubble but Im not looking for that or expecting it. Im not letting the idea that that will happen stop me from being happy right now. That is different and its nice. Today I almost didn't know what to do with the feeling then it came to me... just go with it. Its funny how one can so easily put faith and so much energy into negativity and doubt while not looking for the end but when there is happiness and positivity it is easily dismissed doubted and one starts to look for it ending. Maybe it is because that doubt and hurt is all that is known but I think that if we come to always expect bad then that's what we will find. I had said before that productivity was my goal this year. I think I am off to a damn good start.

YEAH!!!!!

Just got a phone call!! no not one of those phone calls but a call from the attorneys office that I had an interview with today. They offered me the job. I of course accepted. I start Monday!!! I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I now know that it isnt a train or bus. I also got another call from another attorneys office and they want me to come in on Monday morn. for an interview. Southwest sent me a letter and they want me to come in next month to interview for a position and TSA called today and said my physical was good and they would be signing off on it and I could go to the next stage of the hiring process. I also sent my application in to Legal Aid to volunteer a couple of hours a week. DAMN I FEEL GOOD!!! I of course cant forget Harley!!! I start there tomorrow morn. It finally feels as though I am on the road to where I need and want to be going. It feels so good and satisfying. I know it is only a start but it is a start. This firm said they would work around my school and I could work as much as I wanted. I feel so good! Im sitting here in the law library and I just had to write about it cause I feel as though I am going to bust. I have another midterm on Monday so Im getting a head start on it. I know its a Friday night and Im in the library but I really dont mind, this is where my future is going to come from not the bar. Besides there is nothing there that I want anyway so I might as well do something productive. Well I better get back to work.

Butterflies

This morning I had another interview with a law firm downtown. She said she had a few more interviews for today but she would want me to be able to start as soon as possible. I was her first interview which is how I wanted it. I wanted to set the bar that others would have to meet.

When I got home Bamse and I went out for a little walk. While she was smelling around the grass I noticed a couple of butterflies flying around. I called Bamse over and we sat down on the sidewalk and just watched them. They were trying to land on the blades of grass but the grass was wet so they had to be careful not to get their wings wet. Everytime one would fly away another would come around. We probably sat there for 15 mins. just watching them. It looked like they had to flap those wings so hard to get just a little bit of airspace. Yet there was a bit of peace in their struggle for flight. It could be that the peace I was noticing I was finding in myself. Slowing down, not anyalyizng, letting go, just being. Right now at this moment I have no worries, no stressors, no regrets, no anger, and no fears.This moment is all that matters because I know the the future is not a guarantee. I think maybe I should spend a little more time watching butterflies. I have a runny nose but I can deal with that. :) Lynn:I guess I forgot to cross my fingers and got the cooties!! Tell your little one that girls have cooties too. :)

MY WISH

MY WISH

Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wishI hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

blockage

Today was a day of working on the motorcycle and getting the house in order. I was asked Sunday night why I hadn't put up the rest of my pictures or organized my bedroom since I had been there since the beginning of August. I had to think about that one for awhile but the answer that came to me was that I was waiting for someone to help me with it. I had never lived alone before and making something mine is a new concept for me. So today I decided to make the apartment mine. I put up all the pictures where I wanted them, set up my bed frame and redecorated. It felt really good to do this, to make this space mine. I was also asked Sunday night why I was so blocked. She said that when she looked at me that was all she could see. This got into a discussion about my fear of failure and that I am working on putting that to rest. Which is very true I don't feel so afraid of trying things anymore worried that I cant succeed. I am tired of failing because I am afraid to fail. She said that while she understood that she thought that was ridiculous just because she sees so much more in me than that. As she said that and I think about it now I agree with her but not because someone else sees an intelligent, beautiful, special woman, with so much to offer but because I actually see it in myself. I don't need anyone's else's validation. It is nice to hear but I can actually look in the mirror and say those things to myself. She wanted to know what else was there. (Cops.. and I thought I asked alot of questions.) I told her that I was just getting over a relationship that I didnt want to end and that while I realized it was over I was just trying to find my way back. I didnt want closeness, intimacy, emotional ties, or anything that might let someone in. I just wanted to forget. Forget and heal . I was putting my heart back in my pocket and while I wasnt closing it off for forever I was giving it a rest.
I got a job at one of the local Harley dealerships today. I went in for parts and came out with a job. Im in heaven!!!Everything in the store is sold to employees at cost plus 10% and the discount on the bikes WOW!!! I am still working at getting that job at the attorneys but I can keep the Harley job on the weekends. I want to get a new bike within the year.
Usually I get a new tattoo and/or something else symbolic after a breakup. Im behind a little here so I have a new tattoo scheduled for next month. It is going to be a phoenix rising out of the flames headed to the sky. The flames are going to have a symbolism to them that I am going to keep to myself but the phoenix is going to be on my left shoulder. I have a Chinese dragon on my right and I am going to have the Chinese symbol redone. The symbol stands for chaos. I believe that to be a pretty good analogy of life . That everything starts from chaos and is developed from there and that chaos is still a part of tranquility like yen is to yang. They compliment each other and to know one you have to know the other. Well I have known and lived both.

a fun day

Had a really good day yesterday. it was O-towns Gay pride parade. Granted it was no San Fran pride but is was all we had. I rode my motorcycle in the parade with a couple of friends which was a absolute blast. But Im jumping ahead. It started out with me meeting my friend Jan down at a local rest. for brunch. I woke up feeling like absolute crap, it seems that I have managed to acquire that horrid little bug that has been going around. Yet I had been looking forward to this day so I sucked it up. This is when things started to get a little weird. I rode down to meet her at about 945. I was enjoying taking the curves and just enjoying being out and when I came up to a stop light, a lady behind me honked. I didn't think anything of it because people do that all the time. I turned around to wave and she said " you'll get rid of it, I have it to .do you drink? and I said I was having trouble hearing because of the motor and I had a head cold and maybe I should start drinking to kick it.she then said You aren't afraid are you? And I said of riding? and she she just smiled. I told her of riding no but I do have some other fears. And she just smiled. Weird huh? I went on to meet Jan and told her about it and we kinda laughed but it stuck in the back of my head about that bizarre conversation. I mean how random?
At brunch there were 8 of us they were either fire fighters, EMT's, cops, one teacher, a hair salon owner anyway all professionals. It was so nice sitting around around having adult conversations. My last girlfriend of long term was 14 years younger than me and I was up in Tallahassee at FSU so everyone that we associated with was of college age. It was just really nice to sit around and chat with people that actually were in the same place in life as myself (or at least where I want to go). after brunch we went back to kristins house and chatted then they went to play softball and Jan and I rode down to the parade kick off. The parade was such a blast saw so many people I knew and managed to get through the parade without adding anyone on to my bike. I was having so much fun just hotroding that I didn't want anyone riding bitch. Actually I did ask one girl to ride but she was hanging out with her mom and friends so she said no. Jan wasn't able to pick anyone up because her girlfriend wouldn't have appreciated that too much. LOL Anywho when we were done going through the parade we pulled over to watch the rest. Then we decided to go grab some lunch and drinks. While we were headed down some cobble stone streets I saw some friends that I wanted to say hello to. I started to turn around but my tires and road was wet so when that happened my tire slipped and I ended up dumping the bike. Luckily I ended up on top of my bike so when it went sliding I wasn't underneath it. Ended up breaking my shifter and tail light off, my scratched my derby cover all up and my primary case is leaking cause the seal is broken now. Eveything I can fix myself so Im grateful about that and that the only thing hurt was my pride. Pride cometh before the fall right? It comes before but it doesn't coushin it. LOL I rode my bike home and just said screw it and I rode with Jan back downtown to the festivities. We forgot all about eating and decided to go straight to the beer. Now I have had probably 3 beers in the past 8 months so needless to say it didn't take much. After 2 or 3 I wasn't feeling much pain. Finally we hooked up with some of our other friends and decided to get something to eat. There was a lady that was there and her name was Deb. She is older than me but we ended up talking for most of the time at dinner. After that it was getting a little late so everyone left except for Deb and I so we went over to a bar central Station where a friend of mne works and hooked up with her and her boyfriend. The four of us left there and went to another bar downtown where I ran into a old friend. Its so weird I cant remember where I know her from but we used to hang out all the time and she knows stuff about me that I cant remember. The closest I can pinpoint it to was back when I was 20. Because she was talking about the clubs we went to and the people we hung out with. If it was back then it is no wonder I don't remember her. I don't think I slept with her LOL. Anyways after hanging out with Lindsey, her bf and Deb I decided to head home. Deb and I ended up talking for a couple of hours. About what I wanted out of life and about how I analyze things. It went on to becoming a full fledged interrogation about thoughts and feelings. Part of her job is to be able to read people so it was rather interesting to get her take on the working of my mind. I find it really interesting when people try to read me. It is almost a challenge of sort. I was impressed by the accuracy of what she came up with. Anyway Ill save that for another blog because this is getting too long. I just so enjoyed the day where I wasn't the oldest one around and there were people that were intelligent, upfront, no bullshit drama, not judging, trying to get something from me, using me to make people jealous, established, and just plain fun.

thinking again

no big surprise but I have been thinking again. Actually more reflecting then anything but this is what I came up with. I was going over our conversation today and thinking about what I could have done different with the Christine situation and something occurred to me. This happened back in April this is October now. I believe that when I started to realize what this actually meant to her I took care of it. For those of you who are scratching your heads the rundown is that my ex of 6 years had started calling me again and was very remorseful about the things she had done to me. There were a few times that she called very late at night in tears and wanted to talk. One time she had said that if things didn't work out with S that she wanted me back. I told her that I was never going to leave S and that I understood what she was saying but that she had her chance and I was with the one I loved. After that conversation she didn't bring that up anymore and actually was very supportive of S and I. But S had issues with Chris and said that she was being disrespectful and was just waiting in the wings and that I was keeping the door open for her. She requested that I put Chris out of my life until she could feel secure enough knowing that Chris respected our relationship. I didn't do that. I had been with Chris for almost 6 years and still loved her. In love ?no. wanted to be with her? no. In fact any conversation Chris and I had I told S about. If there was something that was going on I wouldn't have been so open. S and I had only been in a relationship for a couple of months and I didn't see the reason to put Chris out of my life that and I didn't know how to either. She wasn't being disrespectful and I saw it as S putting her issues on me when she should have trusted me to tell her the truth. I did talk to Chris and told her to not call for awhile and to let me call her when things were settled and that she could call if it was important.There was another incident with another girl flirting with me but we were told by a friend mutual friend that she was harmless and when she did start to obviously disrespect our relationship I took care of that as well. I am not a cheater and had never given her any reason to think I was. Now all his started in April and S is still angry about it and says that this is when her feelings started to change. It kinda seems to me that this is an excuse for us not being together. Not saying that she didn't have valid reason to be upset and given her history I can understand the insecurities. But I was talking about us having a family in a year or so down the line and getting married. I was planning a future with her. I had even said when Im done with schooling she could go back to get her Masters and I would support us. Why would I make all these plans if that's not what I wanted? Why is she still holding on to that when I did take care of things. If it was so major that her feelings were changing we should have taken care of that. She said that sometimes you can love someone but cant be with them. I don't believe that. I think its that you don't want to be with them. P.T. I go back to your question how dirty are you willing to get your hands to have a clean heart. I was willing to do whatever it took I just didn't understand how to hear her. Maybe a more appropriate statement would have been sometimes you can love someone and not be with them right now. I can agree with that. She says that she changed since March but in June and July we were talking about a future, our future. I thnk maybe she hasnt changed so much as her fears were starting to surface and things that were happening were just a little to scarey for her to deal with. I don't get it, I dont think she really does either. she said we are beating a dead horse I dont see it that way I dont thimk we really addressed any of the core issues that went wrong with us but maybe she doesnt want to. This doesnt explain why she cries when she gets close to me, why she needed to be close to me and more importantly why this is really happening. I guess I may never know those answers but I hope she figures them out for herself so she can heal. Lord knows I am asking myself enough questions for the both of us but the answers she needs only she can figure out.Im asking myself those same questions and eventually Ill figure it out. I need to know those answers so next time I can do something different and so I can get to know myself a little better.

Have to stop

I have to stop this. I keep thinking what if... what if isn't important anymore. What if frogs had glass asses? All I need to do is think about what I can do to make myself o.k. I keep thinking that if I had done something different that things wouldn't be where they are right now.Odds are they probably would have but I do wonder. I have to remember that this isn't all my fault, it takes two. Maybe things could have been headed off if she had handled things differently. Granted I wasn't hearing her but it wasn't because I didn't want to we were just speaking two different languages.See here I go again trying to figure it out. I need to stop this because i wont be able to. It just is. This need to figure things out is part of my problem.
I understand that she needs to not compromise herself and I understand that she needs to be with someone that hears her. I wish there was a way that I could convince her that she could have all that from me but there isn't. If she wanted to she would give me that chance, if she wanted to we could work things out and if she let me i could hear her and give her what she asks for. But... but that isn't the case.This obviously snt what she wants or maybe its what she wants but doesnt think she can have. Even if there was a way to tell her eveything I dont think she would believe it, this isnt where she wants to be. she doesnt want to risk it. Yet this isn't the place either one of us needs to be. We both have healing to do. The only thing I can show her is that I am respecting what she has asked for which is to let things settle. This is so difficult just because I don't like surprises like this. I don't like not knowing and i don't like hurting or being hurt. The only thing left is to leave this up to fate and time. If this was meant to be it will be but in the mean time it is time to let go. Let go for her and to let go for me. I realize that it seems like I keep saying that, maybe its to convince myself. But I do know its time. Seems like I have been doing alot of letting go recently, leting go and taking new directions. I dont want to run away I just want to get away. There is a difference I think, maybe Im just rationalizing. I think I am going to take a trip next month back to Calf. My friends from Calf. will be here for 10 days on business and I think Ill chat with them about going and seeing them over Thanksgiving break. Then in Dec. I think Ill go back to Denmark and look for some job opportunities. Who the fuck knows what is going to happen. My only control I have over my life right now is the general direction it is going but I have to idea where it is headed. I am nowhere close to where I thought I was going to be 5 months ago. maybe i should look at this as a giant adventure, maybe one day I can but right now its just scarey. I want to be sure where I am headed in my career,I want to be working on a family, I want my girlfriend back, i want us to be back to where we were both on the same page, I want eveything to be back in its each little box so I knew exactly what was going on and where it was going. I want, I want, I want... If you have want in one hand and shit in the other the only thing you really have is shit. I used to say be careful what you pray for you get what you put out there and when you do you might be cheating yourself. I might pray for a mercedes but God has a Porsche planned for me. There might be someone better out there for me than her and I could be wasting time trying to make this happen. This part is hard to say but it is also equally true there might be someone better for her as well and I do want her to be happy and to have the best of life and if I cant give it to her I hope she can find the person that can. Since I broke my crystal ball I dont know. I guess its important to stay in the now and just do what I can. Pray more and keeping taking things as they come. I miss my spiritual life, it has been a long time since I have been to church and I do miss the relationshipI used to have with God. I used to pray every night and I have faltered with that. I think its time that I start to redevelop that relationship and turn things backover to him. I always do so much better when Im not trying to control things. let go and let God is what i was told the other day. If left up to me ill try to put a square peg in a round hole if i think it should fit. This needs to stop and I have a feeling that some of those other issues will go away as well as soon as I stop trying to control. So at the risk of sounding God crazy i am going to pray tonight, Im ging to pray that she finds the happiness that she is looking for and that she gets everything out of life she is seeking. Im going to ask for guidence, direction and the strength to follow that. I believe this is a good start.

what is done is done

So I gave in and called her today. I know it wasn't a great idea but I just felt as though I needed to get some things off my chest and get some answers. I did get some answers and it did help yet there are still things I don't understand. She said that it started back when I didn't hear what she was saying about Christine. I didn't give her what she asked for by putting Chris aside. She felt disrespected and it brought back all sorts of issues that she had lived with for four years. That's when her feelings started to change for me. She said that she wasn't saying this to make me blame myself but that is when she started to change. Even though I know that I didn't do anything on purpose to disrespect her or make her feel less than but that was the consequence. The first thought is that it is my fault but in reality it isn't. I was handling the situation the only way I knew how and it happened to step on her issues toes. How she interpreted the situation could have been different. However it happened it happened. I need to stop going over this in my mind trying to find a reason. What is is what is and what happened is done. The only thing that is going to happen by me going over this with a magnifying lens is that I am going to drive myself crazy. So Im going to stop. I wanted so badly to tell her that things could be different, I wanted so badly to tell her that I would never put anyone in front of her again, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance. But I didn't. I cant. I wont.As much as it hurts I have to respect her and more importantly myself. I keep saying and I keep being told that if it is meant to be it will be. This brings little to no comfort for me. I guess time will tell and if she comes back into my life then it is meant to be. I just cannot hold onto any hope or possibility of that happening.
she said she has already gone through what I am going through now. Im glad she is already seeing the other side.
I bounce back and forth between wanting to say fuck it and just giving up and holding on to some extent. Wanting to believe that maybe things will be different and we can have another chance. I know that sounds really pathetic and I bounce back and forth but that's how I work I guess. Im a libra and I always go back and forth until I find the balance. I just don't want to believe that she could have changed so much, that our love could have changed so much. I am happy for her that she has gotten in touch with the fact that she needs to not compromise herself.
She again expressed a desire for space and I know I have to honor that. We cant be just friends right now but Im sure that eventually we will be again. I cant imagine her not in my life yet I also cant imagine her as anything else other than my partner either. I know that in time this too shall pass. It is nothing I haven't been through before. I do know I don't want to be angry, and it is time to continue to work on getting on with things. The truth is life goes on whether she is here or not.
I went through my phone the other day and cleared out phone numbers of people that I didn't want in my life anymore. I am trying to surround myself with friends that want the same things out of life and and don't create drama. I need my friends close right now. It is time for a house cleaning.

side note to the whatever blog

Side note to the whatever blog

In my last blog I wrote about texting her and asking her to come over and my motives for doing so. I feel the need to explain a little about that. to say I had a shit day was an understatement. I felt as though my brain had all it could take. I dont do drugs, rarely drink and an old escape for me was sex. just felt as though I needed to get away and I knew that having her come over was a way to do that. I knew I couldnt, nor did I want to go to anyone else beause I didnt want to share that with anyone else, also I knew she could take me to a place that I needed to go. I didnt want to be made love to, I didnt want to share feelings I just wanted to get away and in the process possibly have a little closure. she had said that she was surprised that i wasnt fucking her out of my mind. I used to do that, out of a relationship into anothers bed. I guess I was trying to do that but just with her. I wanted to be able to let go of eveything. I wanted her to not stop when i asked her to, I wanted her to continue on even if cried, I wanted us to have angry sex. Thats what I was wanting. A chance to cleanse ourselves. it wasnt meant as disrespectful, degrading, offensive or anything negative it was something that just was. It was an old behavior and I was just seeking comfort and reflief in pretty much the only way I could think of. Healthy? I dont know but I do know it works. It is a mute point now but I just wanted to explain. I wrote about it because it was on my mind and I was upset with myself for even asking that of her.

whatever

O.k so I have no more blogs in the closet. I should know better than to get on here when Im upset. I have a tendenacy to just go off at the brain and spew all sorts of mushy stuff all over these pages and in the end loose any self respect or dignity that I have managed to salvage. When am I going to learn? How could I have been so wrong? Are my instincts so far off? Maybe my head was so lost in what I wanted to happen that I couldnt see the reality of what was actually in my face. I got the phone call again today saying that I should just go on with my life and not wait. That I deserved more and she didnt know if she was in love with me or if she could ever go back to being in love. The same story as five weeks ago. After the talk I went to work just to be told that my scheduling was incompatible with them and they thought it best that we part company. On top of that trying to fight off that damn bug that is going around. I guess it comes in three's.
She was right about one thing that is that I deserve so much more.The problem was I didnt realize that until tonight. Anywho in my pathetic little state before I came to this realization I texted her and asked her to come over. I didnt want to talk I just wanted her to fuck me. Blunt but to the point. I wanted to just go away for a little bit. To escape and then say goodbye. I didnt even get that. I did get a fucking but not the one I wanted.
I told her that I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me it was over before I could move on, I dont need that anymore. I get it now. I tend to be a pretty logical person I believe that for whatever we do we have a reason and I just couldnt understand why she couldnt tell me she wasnt in love with me. I told her that if she told me that I would go away, be done and she could have what she wanted. She cant do it maybe the reason she cant is that she still is in love with me or maybe she doesnt have a spine either and just cant face me, or maybe she is totally done and just doesnt want to deal with it. For whatever the reason it doesnt matter anymore.What bothers me so much is that I let myself stay in a position that continued to make me vunerable. I gave her all my power and she didnt deserve to have it. She couldnt handle it.The problem is when I love I give myself completely maybe the answer is to not do that anymore. I gave her control over my life. I was allowing her to make the decissions about what was going to happen. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
When am I going to learn to listen to what people are telling me. She told me 5 weeks ago the same stuff she said now and the whole time I continued to believe that she was just scared and this really wasnt what she wanted, that in time she would regret this and i just wanted to salvage something we might be able to have. I guess i was looking so deeply into trying to find the positive motives to this that I let myself get sucked in. this whole time i was making excuses for why she was doing the things she was doing. She was just scared thats why she was doing this, she just has issues but she really wants to be with me, she is just afraid of loving again but she will come around, this really isnt what she wants. Its not that I dont want to be single, its not that Im afraid to be alone or that I need to have someone there to feel good. what it is is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to make it work, I wanted to believe that she felt the same, I didnt want to do this all again. well here I go again and it is going to be just fine because I have leared from this. I finally have wised up, grown a spine and decided to get some balls. I do deserve so much more and why the hell would I want to stay in a situation with someone that doesnt know if she wants or is able to give me that. I have so much to give why throw it to someone that doesnt it want or appreciate it. I was willing to wait and I was willing to work things out but finally it has sinked in that there is nothing that needs to waited for or worked out. It has also become painfully obvious that there is no place left for me in her life or heart or for her in mine. She said I couldnt be just her friend and I agree for right now anyway. I appreciate all the bones she threw me about caring deeply for me, and not knowing for sure what she wants and doesnt want to play the come here go away game, she just wants me to be happy, all the lines ,but she can keep all that because i dont need them. Yes I am a little angry right now but this is exactly where I need to be. The whole situation sucks. Im mostly angry at myself for not handeling this better before. I should have found my spine and walked away 5 weeks ago and not looked back.
I find it interisting about me losing my job. Im not upset about it at all really. It wasnt where I wanted to be or anything that I wanted to be doing. Its funny how the universe gives us exactly what we need when we need it. I wasnt happy there so it got taken away. I said said before that its funny how the universe has a way of taking care of things the trick is keeping out of the way so miracles can happen. Thats what is going on in my life right now. So many changes so much growth. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I want to put the brakes on but then I look as to where I am going and what surprises are waiting. Maybe Ill take my friends up on some of their offers and spread my wings a little. I just know Im going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what happens next.

My night with Ms. Jenny

Mother Rick and his husband are out on the town tonight. They have a Tuesday ritual of Bingo at Parliment House, not to be confused with balcony bingo. They usually can only stay for an hour or so due to the fact the Ms. Jenny cant be alone for that long of time and all they do is worry when they are away. Ms. Jenny is an 85 year old lady that Rick takes care of and has taken care of for multiple years. Anyway she cant be left alone which leaves Rick to a homebound existence. I got off work around 1230 today and volunteered to sit with Ms. Jenny so mamma and papa bear could have a night out. Ms. Jenny and I watched T.V and hung out with the dogs and I listened to hear talk about the man in the corner( I didn't see him but she did) It has been a nice quiet night. Tater and Bamse got a bath, everybody is walked and fed. They have called three times to make sure everything was o.k and to thank me for sitting with her. Hell its the least I could do for them after everything they do for me. Im just waiting for them to get home so I can get into my own bed and have a good night sleep. I have a busy day tomorrow that consists of a physical for a job, school and then work. Tomorrow will start at about 0800 and I should be done around 2200 if I cant get away sooner. Anywho Im going to head back to the sofa, put my feet up and if I fall asleep the boys will throw a blanket over me and Ill sleep here. Kinda wanted to be home, I feel as though Im missing something.

Time

On Time

John Milton

Fly, envious Time, till thou run out thy race,

Call on the lazy leaden-stepping hours,

Whose speed is but heavy plummet's pace;

And glut thy self with what thy womb devours,

Which is no more than what is false and vain,

And merely mortal dross;

So little is our loss,

So little is thy gain.

For when as each thing bad thou hast entomb'd

And last of all thy greedy self consum'd,

Then long eternity shall greet our bliss

With an individual kiss;

And joy shall overtake us as a flood,

When every thing that is sincerely good

And perfectly divine,

With truth, and peace, and love shall ever shine

About the supreme throne

Of him, t' whose happy-making sight alone,

When once our heav'nly-guided soul shall clime,

Than all this earthly grossness quit,

Attir'd with stars, we shall for ever sit,

Triumphing over Death, and Chance, and thee, O Time.

Everybody was putting poetry up so I decided to follow suit. I love this poem and read it often. We have nothing but time, there needs to be no rush or hurry. Everything comes in its own time and in the end is the great reward for our paitence.

whispering

i dont understand what your afraid of. Is it that your afraid that you wont be able to love me as much as you would like? Is it that your afraid of getting hurt again? Please tell me. I know it isnt that you dont love me with eveything you have. Do you not think you have anything to give? You do have something to give. You already have given it. the heart that you dont think is there I feel. Everytime I touch you it beats faster. is it that you are worried that I see into your soul? I wouldnt be able to if you didnt want me to. I love you so much and i dont understand why you are running. You come back for a few days and then you disappear again, telling me you need me to whisper again. I am whispering it is you that is shouting. I hear you even though you dont call. I am thinking about you right now and I know it is because you are thinking about me. I feel you right now and it is because you are feeling me. We are joined. I know you want to be here. You just have to get hungry then you will come over again. You will get hungry because there is no one else that can feed your heart and soul like I do. You need my touch like I need yours. Is that what scares you so much? You dont ever want to put yourself in that position because you dont want to get hurt again? Your touch is like food and water. I can survive for a time without them but eventually I have to partake. I wish you were able to just come back and be in my arms. I wish you would call so we can talk. I miss you so much. Will you come back again? Just call and tell me where you are. I need to know. Are you trying to get over me? What are you doing?

Interview

Interview went really well today with one exception. The job is in Kissimmee which is about 30 min. From my house. I left today 2 hours early to make sure I had enough time to get down there because I didn't want to be late. Turns out they do the interviewing at the downtown Orlando Court House, five mins. From my house. I ended up getting there about 5 min. late but called to let them know I was leaving their kissimmee office. Thankfully she was tied up in a meeting and ws running late. Saved!! She made a joke about me going all the way to the other office and I told her I was just practicing the drive for when I got the job. After the interview she invited me back for a second interview with some of the other attorneys. Keeping my finger crossed( and toes and legs,etc.) I need to go shoping again because I cant wear the same outfit again. I was so happy trying on dress pants. A size 10 is almost too big for me. ROCK ON!!!
I found out last nght by that phone call for one of those people that I had been directly lied to. She was telling me about a conversation she had with the other one and I asked her directly if she had told this other person anything about what I had said to her and she said no.She said what I told her was in cinfidence and she would never say anything. That this other person knows we talk but never is any content revealed. BULLSHIT!! Now I know for a fact that both of them are liars. I knew before that one of them was but now it is confirmed they both are. This should be my last entry about this but it just bothers me that people have to be so... so... too many adjectives just pick one. as I said before POOF be gone.

only if

Im going to be there when you are ready. Im going to be there because that is where i want to be. I dont want someone else, I dont want to get on with my life without you. I know you have demons but you can work through them while I stand by your side while you conquer them. I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to be together. You are the shadow to my soul. you are the one that i have been searching for and I am the one you have sought. Take all the time you need to fight those demons. There is no rush we will have a lifetime together. I will not budge. The only thing that will make me move is for you to tell me that you dont love me. If you can tell me that then i will go. But know this as I go I leave behind my love that will be there still for the love I have for you is endless. The only reason thatI say this is because you cant tell me you dont love me. You cant tell me that you love me any less deeply than I love you. The only difference is that you are scared. I saw the way you looked at me when you were here the other night. the look in your eyes as we were kissing. You were here with me and you were mine. We were joined at our souls again and it brought you joy. I know you wont run again because you said you wouldnt. you are just trying to find a way to let yourself express to me what you feel. We are intense, that is a perfect word . We are just intense. So now I wait. I wait for you to call because you need for me to whisper again. If that is what you need my love then I will whisper. Whisper and wait for you to lean in again. Wait for you to come, to be just a little more brave. I can hear your thoughts and feel your feelings just like you can with me. There is nothing I can hide from you or you from me and that scares you. It scares me too. It scares me because what if Im wrong about all of this and you dont come back I will be lost. When you were sick you called me first. it was so nice to be able to take care of you. He said you needed me, I dont think it was a need as much as a want. The time we spent together was so precious to me. i figured I wouldnt hear from you for a couple of days just because it scared you how easy it was to have me back in your life. Thats O.K. I wish i could mend your heart as easily as your cold. If you would let me, if you would be willing to risk just a little maybe I could help mend it a little. If you just realized the love we have for each other and have a litle faith that it is real maybe your heart could mend just a tad. I know i cant fix it but just maybe i could be the spark that starts the fire. if only you would let me.

Interview tomorrow

Tomorrow is the interview and Im pretty much ready. I have my clothes laid out, my papers together in my briefcase and I have it planned out how to get there. I am a little anxious but I figure what's the worst that can happen? Iwont get the job? Big deal. That just means there is a better one out there for me. Not to mention how could they not love me? Trying to keep a positive attitude and keep those fears tucked away it is a little difficult but it gets easier with each passing day. I remember what P.T said in a comment before, " that its all about me." It really is all about me. Im just discovering the truth behind that. Granted there is no overnight change but an adjustment in the positive is a good thing.
I got a phone call today from one of those people that the previous not so nice blog was addressed to. All about calling me honey, sweetie and wanting to know when we can spend some time together. PLEASE!! Then she tells me the other one is moving in with her next week. Whatever, I guess misery really does love company. Anywho Im glad Im not in the middle of that crap anymore. She kept asking me for information about the going ons in my life and I just told her I hadn't heard a thing and don't have a clue what's going on. Haven't heard a peep. There is no way in hell Im going to open a door for more interference from anyone. That is one mistake that I will never make again and one thing I will not tolerate.
Went shopping today to get a new outfit for tomorrow. I have lost so much weight nothing fits. I guess its better to go looking for clothes that need to be smaller than larger. Wish that I had taken someone with me to help me pick things out. Im generally pretty good about matching and stuff but a second opinion would have been nice and comforting.

a great day of nothing really

Today was a really good day. To start off with I stayed in bed until about 1130. That was great!! Then I spent the afternoon at mother Rick house and while he babysat my wonderful dog Bamse I went down to the pool for a little sun.In the past I would never go to an apartment pool because I thought I was too fat and was to insecure to get around those that hung around apartment pools but I dont feel that way today. I have lost another 2 pounds and I look damn good. For the first time in a long while when I look in the mirror I actually like what I see.
When M.R babysits Bamse spends her time with Tater. Mother Rick has this boxer named Tater. Tater and Bamse are madly in love. I think its just sex for bamse but don't tell Tater. I wont go into all the details of their sexual encounters but lets just say they get more action then I do right now.(which pisses me off, no I'm not bitter. I know hate the game not the player) Anyway when we leave Tater cries as we go out the door. bamse is perfectly happy to go home.( wonder where she got that from?) It is so bizarre. anywho back from the tangent. I then went over to my Aunt Renettes house for dinner. Her and her partner Ramona had a cook out and baked a cake. I swear I am so lucky that I have all these wonderful people in my life that like to feed me. Aunt Rennette has known me for about 11 years. Its kinda cool all these people that I had known for such a long time are back in my life. None of them are my biological family but definitely my chosen one. I have been very blessed with a very close and wonderful biological family and a chosen family that just ROCKS!!! Tonight we just sat out on her porch and watched the clouds roll in and the sun set . The sky was so beautiful tonight. There was tons of heat lightening and quite a few bolts as the storm came in right behind the sunset. We then played a board game called therapy. Maybe you know it P.T.? LOL It was a fun game, now I am finally home to get ready for work tomorrow.

Porn

So I have never written anything like this before and I probably wont again but it seems to be constantly on my mind so what the hell. I would call this a porn blog so this is fair waning that if you have issues stop reading now.
She calls me saying she wants to come over to talk but I know the real reason she is coming over. When she arrives there are no words that need to be spoken. I grab her and pull her into my bedroom and throw her to the bed. I pull out my handcuffs and cuff her tying the cuffs to the bed so she knows that the only option left is to surrender. I pull out my knife and slowly cut off the wife beater she has on. Then comes the bra. She knows she can trust me. I drag the knife across her breasts and down her chest to her pants. I pull off her pants then cut away her thong, gently pulling the pieces out from under her. After I have her naked I turn her over. I don't want to look at her or her at me. I tie her legs down so she cant turn over. I want her totally at my will, I know what she wants. She wants to give herself to me but she needs to feel like I am taking her she. I lean down and whisper in her ear, what do you want? She doesn't need to answer because I already know. I run my hands over her body exploring every inch of her. Then I lay down besides her and tell her everything I am doing to myself. I make her listen while I satisfy myself. I put my fingers in her mouth so she can taste me, taste what she so desperately wants and craves. I move my hand down between her legs and she is so wet. She raises her hips trying to meet my touch but I pull my hand away. I untie and uncuff her so I can turn her over.I start kissing the back of her neck working my way down her back until my lips rest between her legs tasting her. I have so longed to taste her but this wasn't about savoring the moment . She didn't want me to make love to her she wanted me to fuck her. As my tongue teased her clit I slipped my fingers inside her. Not all the way but just enough to tease her. The more she moved her hips the deeper I went inside her. She was getting so hard and I could tell she was getting close to cuming. I move away from her clit and shove my tongue as deep inside of her as I can. I can tell she is so close so I move up to kiss her. I want her to taste herself on my lips. I move her hand down to her clit so I can be inside her when she is cuming. We both love that. The closer she gets the harder I fuck her. Pushing my fingers so deep in side her. I tell her to bite me. She sinks her teeth into my shoulder but it isn't hard enough. I want the pain. I want her to bite me so it hurts. I want to take the pain that she feels inside. She tells me that she is starting to cum. Come on baby give it all to me let it go. She starts to scream that she is cuming. I love to watch her cum. How she leans her head back and grasps for air. I love to listen to her cum. Who am I kidding I love everything about our sex. My whole body can feel what she is doing. Its as though I am the one getting fucked but we just have that connection. I cant wait until she comes back over to talk again.

anxiety. what fun? NOT

So Im driving down the road and my feet and hands start sweating, Im getting dizzy I feel like crying. I also feel as though I have to throw up and use the toilet. My head is spinning but not like I just got off a roller coaster but like I cant stop my brain from going on circles. My legs are weak and I feel as though if I stood up they would come out from under me. I know it isnt anything physical because just 3 months ago I had a CAT and MRI done which came back normal. So what the hell is this? Im prettty sure is an anxiety thing. That is really hard for me to say because it make me feel weak and stupid but when there isnt anything else you have to look at the obvious. I didnt sleep hardly a wink last night and I am worried about school. Not that I need to be Im doing great. I got a call today from the P.D officefor the job I had applied for. I have a interview Monday. What the hell do I have to be stressed about things are going well. Im focused on what I need to be doing, taking care of myself. So what gives? What gives is that I am scared to death. I am so scared of failing. Just writing this I am in tears. I know in my mind that I am capeable of so much but I dont know if I can do it. Im at the point now that I dont have a choice but I have to try because Im not able to stay where I am but it has me absolutely terrified. What if I dont get this job, what if I finish school and Im horrible at this, what if I fail misrabley with the LSAT's? yet I am so tired of setting myself up to fail just so I wont be disappointed when I do. It just occured to me that this isnt the first time I have done this. I have been scheduled before to take the written exam to work with the State Department as a foreign service officer and each time I didnt even crack a book to prepare. The last two times I signed up for it I didnt even make it to the exam because of some silly excuse that kept me from making it. Now I am actually on a path to make things different in my life and I believe that realization has finally hit me like a mac truck. I think also that she plays a role in this. She has always told me that I can do so much more and has always supported me with whatever I want to do . My issue is that I am so afraid I will let her down, and not just her but me, us. Even though there is no official us I still want to make a life that we can share in and I am so scared that I wont be able to. I feel like such a pathetic person. Saying that Im sure doesnt help anything but makes things worse. Where the hell did my backbone go, why cant I shake this, when does it stop?

hope, faith belief

Hope is the first step then faith then belief. You have to have a hope things will change before they then when you get a glimmer of light that things might actually be changing you have faith. When you can actually see the results then you have belief.Faith is almost like a sunrise. Faith is belief just without the evidence. When it is so darkout in the dead of night you hope that the sun will be rising to shed light. Then things start to get a little less dark, the moon has moved across the sky and it isn’t so dark this is where faith comes in, you haven’t seen the sun rise yet so you don’t believe but you have heard of the sunrise so you have faith that it is coming. You start to see the beginning of what you have hope and faith is indeed the sunrise. Then you wait. You start to see the sun poke its beams above the horizon and it is not so dark out anymore. There is the sun now you see the workings of your hope and faith. Now you believe.

The Balls of Some People!!

This evenening I learned a valuable lesson that thankfully was caught in time. There are some people in this world that like to make you feel as bad as they do. I was talking with someone that most people didn't think I would chat with again and as we chatted the truth started coming out as to what other people had been telling us we had supposedly said. Follow that? Basically these certain individuals are so unhappy with their pathetic little lives that they feel it necessary to share their miserable existence with the rest of us. Two people that have always been honest with other and are just trying to find their way. WHAT THE FUCK!!! These people have perfected the art of misery. Just because they are incapable of having an honest relationship without all the childish games they feel it their duty to spread their infestation of jealousy, drama and for lack of an eloquent adjective BULLSHIT! How can people that are supposedly called friends behave in such a manner? I guess the saying goes " misery loves company" but I am asking this guest to leave. I have no room in my life for people like this. I have too many others that care and love me, I have too much love for myself and the other person to tolerate this facade and complete waste of time. How dare you interfere with us! How dare you under the camouflage of friendship attempt to cause hurt! POOF~!!! BE GONE!!

The day after

I woke up yesterday with a new outlook and vision of life. I put my notice in at my jog with the faith that I will meet my goal of working in a law office in a couple of weeks. I just decided that life is too short to spend it doing something you don't enjoy. That and Im not getting any younger. I put out 2 more resumes and I have a friend calling a friend to see about getting me put into a position. I guess its a lot of who you know and not just what you know. After work I went over to Mother Ricks house and he cooked me a wonderful brunch and I spent some time with him and his husband. Then I went home picked up my motorcycle and took it over to get checked out. When that was done I decided to pamper myself a little and went and out my hair cut and a waxing. Then I went for dinner to a little restaurant by myself then home to bed to take a nap to rest up for the evening. After my nap I went over to a friends house to go to a party. After a couple of vodka martinis( not me I behaved) we all decided to go to Canada at the end of this month for 4 days. After hanging out there we all decided to go to a local bar and dance. I usually hate going to this bar but it was really the only good place to go and I wanted to dance. Actually I don't hate going its just that there isn't anything there I am looking for. I can go when Im with a group and have a good time but other than that I don't see the point. My ex enjoys going and I would have gone just because she liked to but I always felt as though I didn't fit in anymore the people that are there are a lot younger and enjoy being bar flies. That's not what I want out of my life. Anyway enough on the bar. I actually felt really good and I danced a lot. We hung out there for awhile then decided to carry on somewhere else. I ended up getting home about 330 or so. After sleeping in today I took the bike out again went over to Ricks for breakfast, went for a long ride and then down to the softball fields to watch my friends play. I had a beer(I know this is the second day in a row I had been drinking but just a few)decided to head on home to do homework, this, and then out for dinner plans.I so enjoyed being on the bike these past couple of days. I feel like I am getting the life back in me. I feel healthier, having more confidence in myself and have a vision of where I am going and where I want to be.
I think I can say I finally get it. I had such a hard time understanding what she was going through when she said she was depressed. I had never been there so I just didn't get it. I guess when you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you really do understand things differently. I couldn't understand why she just couldn't be happy and use the love she had for me and I for her to help. I didn't understand that even the little things in life couldn't bring her happiness. I do now. After experiencing not wanting to get out of bed, hating to go to work, not wanting to ride my bike, go to dog park or spend time friends, waking up crying, not being able to sleep I so get it. It o.k. to be able to have sympathy but when you can have empathy it is a whole new thing. Now that it feels as though I am on the other side I can only wish that she is indeed doing better. I feel so very bad for her that she had to deal with that and I wish I would have been able to understand more before. I guess its that shoes thing again.
I feel as though since it is a new year I am going to do things so differently. So far I have started out with that. I had said yesterday was just another day but I guess it wasn't. At the insistence of others I decided to make it a special day because it is a special day. It was the day that I came into this world and I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and love me. Im not big into resolution on new years or any other instances but I do like to make themes. So this year of my life the theme is going to be productivity. I know a bizarre theme but thats it. I want to be as productive as I can. Taking actions for my future career, my emotional status, my physical status, etc. Doing what is going to be best for me.