I am so tired of caring, of being understanding and attempting to be a spiritual person. Being true to my libra self this is a natural course for me exploring both ends of the spectrum until I find the happy medium. After going through some self exploration and discovery I am tired of it. I have started to resort back to the old me. The old me that goes to anger and just says fuck it. I like this feeling at least it feels better than hurting. This is a familiar feeling to me. Am I angry? Hell yes Im pissed off. Im pissed off at myself for letting myself get in this position , Im pissed at her for not being able to put her past behind her, Im pissed at her ex for doing this to her,even having to deal with this Im pissed off. Im pissed because I feel cheated, Im pissed because I never stood a chance. Im pissed that Im not stronger than this and I cant let it go. I dont know how. Im pissed because I dont feel enough selfworth to just say fuck and forget it. Im pissed just because I want to be. I know I cant stay in this for long before Ill emerge and start working on myself agian but for right now this shit Im lingering in is still warm and cozy. What am I getting out of this? Thats a no brainer. I dont have to think, I dont have to care, I dont have to feel, and I dont have to hurt.
Hence the FUCK IT blog. Not saying fuck you to anyone in specific just the world in general. Im just saying it in general. I used to have a tattoo on my arm that said FTW. I got it when I was young and angry. I told my mom it meant free the world, to free it from the oppressions of society but it really meant fuck the world. It has long been removed by laser surgery but the feeling is back. From what Im to understand the process of grieving consistes of bargaining, sadness , anger and acceptance. Well guess where Im hanging out? Will this be directed at any one person? No of course not. Is this because of any one person. No. Im just tired.The only emotion I choose to feel right now is anger on the way to numbness. Numb is good. Comfortably numb is better.
7 comments:
I got the call today, I didnt wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin on the phone
She said youd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, Im learning again
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
Theres a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesnt keep me warm
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me anymore
There are people in your life whove come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; itll eat you up inside, baby
Ive been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So Im thinkin about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you dont love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, you dont love me anymore
---Don Henley, Heart of the Matter
A favorite song most appropriate.
Everything you are feeling and experiencing right now is normal...sad, but true. Hey, at least you know you're on schedule, gorgeous One.
*muah
Thinking about you. Hugging you if I could. I mean it.
Love,
Wendy
(((my Pheony)))
---
Hello Wendy. First time in a long while Ive been related to normal. lol. and of course the one thing I pick being on schedule with is this. I kinda think Im behind schedule. Im late for eveything. :) I think you should come down here and cook that marvelous dinner. Lynn is just an hour away and then we could go on a ride and to Disney World. O.k maybe not disney!! Am wondering which shoes you would bring:)
BIG HUGS right back at you
That sounds fabulous! I need some kind of escape. I need to think something up. If things get bad enough, I'll go numb, too. Maybe numb isn't so bad.
{{{{{{{{Phoenix}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}
hey Lynn try listening to Linkin Park (older stuff. I have an idea! Ill ride down there over thanksgiving break and we can go raise some hell!!
You are so funny Rick and yes it did make me smile. Also broght back some great memories of Salzburg Austria. Dancing on the steps, running around the fountain. Yes I did twirl but dont hold it against me everyone does when they are in Salzburg especially after leaving the monks brewery. LOL
Just me again. Letting you know I'm think about you, okay?
:)
I miss you, Phoenix. I hope all is well.
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