morning thoughts

Seems like my mind wont stop turning, it happens early in the A.M when Im just waking up. Its like my brains last ditch effort to get everything settled before fully waking up.This was this mornings steady stream. I started off thinking about the last time I saw her. Im a very touchy person I like to touch to get that connection. The last time I put my hand on her cheek she told to not touch her, the last time I held her hand it almost brought her to tears, she asked me not to hug her goodbye because she had to go into work and if I hugged her it would bring her to crying and she couldn't deal with that break down then. After all these thoughts I realized what I was grieving so much, it was the loss of that connection that's what I miss so much. I was looking at it as if being apart hurts this much for both of us why are we doing it, it can't be right. Yet it appears that I am the only one shedding tears over the loss of the connection, the tears she sheds aren't because of me. It is because of the other one that hurt her so badly that she cant, and/or doesn't want to have that connection again. Its not me. Im not saying that she isnt sad over us Im just saying that I now realize that our sadness comes from diferent areas. Im sad over the realtonship I lost and her sadness comes from the relaitionship she cant have. She was broken when I found her. I get that. she said that when we first met and I picked up her keys her thought was " here I go again" It didnt have to be another "again" she already had in her mind what was going to happen. she told me that maybe the reason we found each other when we did was so that we could help each other through a bad time. That wasn't the reason for me. She also said that she wished she had never met me and she was sorry for hurting me so badly. I think of Garth Brooks song " The dance" "Even knowing how it was going to end I wouldn't change a thing because I still had the dance."
I also thought about the ideas I had, how there were times that I saw so clearly us being together. I do believe that I am very intuitive but I also know that I have thing abut being right.(I know P.T. you would say thats the lawyer coming out of me.LOL) I think its entirely possible that I was seeing these things because that was what my heart wanted. I didn't want to be wrong about this. When I was with Ann I saw that relationship as the one. It was for me but that wasn't a prediction of the future it was just what I saw for myself and my hearts desire. When I was with Chris I knew it wasn't going to work but I didn't want to give up because of the time we had put into it and because I didn't want to be wrong again. With S I so wanted this to be it. I thought we were doing things the right way, we dated for a little before making a commitment, we didn't jump into anything, we were honest with each other, we talked about everything, we wanted the same things out of life, I was so attracted to her, everything was there. eveything but the timing. I guess I became the pig and she was just the chicken ( see last blog for explanation if needed). When I found out that she had only been out of a relationship for two weeks when we met my first instinct was to run. Yet I was assured that she was done and over that because she had already dealt with that.( funny how those same people are now the ones that are saying she needs to be single to heal) It really doesnt matter anyways because at that point It was too lateI had already fallen. anyhow I had been holding on because I had this vision that seemed so real to me but there inlies the operative words " for me" Its time to let go, there is no need to hold the door to my heart open when there is no desire for her to walk through. I realize that its not about me being right or wrong about this. its about not being the appropriate time. I did see what could have been but that was just looking at where my desires and actions were going. I was looking into a mirror not a crystal ball. All I was looking for was a small sign, for reason to not let go, for a reason to keep that possibility open, a reason to see something besides what starring me in the face. I just wanted a thread to grasp.
People say that I need to be single to fuck around and not be in a relationship. I think its important to be in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship but I want to be in a relationship. I can be single, date, fuck around and not settle down but I have done all of that already. I don't have that desire to go through all that. I want to be with one person. I want to create a life for us. I think people that are telling me I have to be single are people that are incapable for whatever reason to have a relationship. I think it is human nature to want to have a partner and to not be alone. Even animals seek out partners, with the exception of wasps and some spiders that kill their mates. There are some exceptions to both sides, nothing is absolute.

What will be will be. Serendipity an excellent movie. I know that I am not finished with love. I am incapeable of closing off my heart. If we are meant to be we will and if not then thats because there is someone more appropriate out there for both of us. I just wish that things could have been different. I wish they could be different now.