New Job Update

Fifth day on the job and I still love it. I have figured one thing out, and that is that even though I love what Im doing it isn't going to be enough for me. Im looking forward to the LSAT so I can start to apply to law schools. Im not nervous at all about the taking it because I feel like that is the direction that I am going to go. I have to wonder a little bit why it took me so long to get on this path. The reason I can figure is that I was so worried I would fail or not be able to. I cant believe now that I could have doubted myself that much. I have one person to thank for the push that I needed to get my butt in gear. The motivation to start following my passion. Thank you. For the first time I feel like I have a job that is more than just a paycheck or just a job. I actually feel a sense of pride when I tell people where I work. Even though I think my opinions would fit in better working for the States Attorneys ( I say fry them all and let God sort them out) . I am helping uphold their constitutional rights and that is important to me especially since we seem to have a President bound and determined to bastardize/abuse the Constitution. Don't get me started!! LOL
I find myself at work shaking my head a lot of the times, wondering how these kids can get into so much trouble and wondering where the hell the parents are and what are they doing. Every day I open about 25 new cases and we open more than we close. I find myself looking for my friends students. Sorry guys but next year doesn't look so great for you either.
My life is so busy right now but it is a good thing. Im taking care of what I need to do. After this month I can slow down a little so only 31 more days to go. Finals are next week and both jobs are busy. A friend works for a catering company and he got me working with him for the holidays so I have a couple of weddings and X-Mas parties to help with. That will help get that down payment on the new Harley. Angel wants a sister. LOL
Anyway good night all, I have a long day tomorrow of work and then last minute studying so I need to get to bed. Now that Im a working girl it is past my bedtime. LOL

Long time

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I have been so busy not sure where to start. To start off I got a phone call from the P.D's office and I started work today. Im going to be working as a legal sec. to about 4 different attorneys in the juvenile division. I absolutely love it. It is really great when you can see the reason for things that happen in your life. When I got laid off from the private attorneys office I had no idea I would be getting this. This is what I really wanted and it appears that this is the reason I lost the other job.
Over the holidays I had a pretty big revelation. I saw my grandmother and she didn't recognize me. She had a clue she knew who I was but she couldn't quite place me. After this I went outside and God and I had a little talk. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore . Meaning that I am so tired of trying to be in control, having to figure everything out, basically putting my hands into the works. I told him that I was ready to give up control to put my faith back into him and that everything that is happening is for a purpose and it isn't for my understanding. I told him that between my grandmother, my career, S, school, my plans for my future, I found out the guy that I was planning on having kids with has gotten back into drugs and isn't planning on sticking to our agreement, that everything was too much. After this I felt sense of peace that I didn't have the responsibility for things. Not meaning that I wasn't taking an active part but that I just didn't have to be in the drivers seat anymore. I constantly have to give him things because old habits are hard to break but It is getting less and less. I just have faith that everyting is as it should be even if I don't understand them. Im also finding that my change in attitude is changing how I act and react to things. I am tird of trying to be angry. Anger takes to much energy and that is not me. My attitude now is I just want to be. Accept whatever comes my way as just something that is. I have been so blessed by my family, friends and the life that I have. Not to mention my motorcycle. She has new shocks that I am putting on and she is getting new pipes. Thunderheaders!!! Those are the shit!!! LOUDER and FASTER!!! will give me more horsepower!! That's all the excitement I need!! Went out for a long ride last night the longest since April. Had such a great time. Just riding and really not thinking or analyzing anything. Went out by some lakes where it was so quiet. God it was nice!! Living in the moment. I think that's the key. Just enjoying what is when it is. Such a simple concept yet so difficult when Im trying to control things, trying to get them to turn out how I want them.
Finals are coming up, LSAT is on sat. working 2 jobs and trying to have a social life shit no wonder I havent been here in a while. But life is good and Im not waiting for the bomb to drop Im just taking things as they come. No expectations, just living in the moment.

numb

I am so tired of caring, of being understanding and attempting to be a spiritual person. Being true to my libra self this is a natural course for me exploring both ends of the spectrum until I find the happy medium. After going through some self exploration and discovery I am tired of it. I have started to resort back to the old me. The old me that goes to anger and just says fuck it. I like this feeling at least it feels better than hurting. This is a familiar feeling to me. Am I angry? Hell yes Im pissed off. Im pissed off at myself for letting myself get in this position , Im pissed at her for not being able to put her past behind her, Im pissed at her ex for doing this to her,even having to deal with this Im pissed off. Im pissed because I feel cheated, Im pissed because I never stood a chance. Im pissed that Im not stronger than this and I cant let it go. I dont know how. Im pissed because I dont feel enough selfworth to just say fuck and forget it. Im pissed just because I want to be. I know I cant stay in this for long before Ill emerge and start working on myself agian but for right now this shit Im lingering in is still warm and cozy. What am I getting out of this? Thats a no brainer. I dont have to think, I dont have to care, I dont have to feel, and I dont have to hurt.
Hence the FUCK IT blog. Not saying fuck you to anyone in specific just the world in general. Im just saying it in general. I used to have a tattoo on my arm that said FTW. I got it when I was young and angry. I told my mom it meant free the world, to free it from the oppressions of society but it really meant fuck the world. It has long been removed by laser surgery but the feeling is back. From what Im to understand the process of grieving consistes of bargaining, sadness , anger and acceptance. Well guess where Im hanging out? Will this be directed at any one person? No of course not. Is this because of any one person. No. Im just tired.The only emotion I choose to feel right now is anger on the way to numbness. Numb is good. Comfortably numb is better.

A Big FUCK YOU

A BIG FUCK YOU!! That's pretty much what Im hearing. Goes from a phone call every once in a while to nothing. Whatever!! She is obviously gone from my life now all I need to do is get her out of my head. and out of my dreams. Every night I close my eyes I end up having her there. Last night we were talking and I telling her how I realized that she was trying to be something she wasn't for me and I just wanted her to be who she wanted because I would love her no matter who she was. The dream goes on on and on as were talk and work things out. Im not sure what is going on. The last phone call started by I was just calling so I wouldn't be rude. The only way I can interrupt this is a big fuck you to me. That's cool rayray. At least I now know the direction this is going. Actions speak louder than words. I hate this saying, I hate it because it is true and I hate looking at what things are instead of seeing what I want. On my way to work now but I just woke up with all this crap and I wanted to get it out before I started my day. Pretty much of a ranting but fuck it. Fuck it all.

Closest thing to flying

Not feeling very chatty tonight. Im laying here in bed trying to decide if I want to get up and go meet some friends at a strip bar. They just texted me and they are hanging out and want me to come down. I think Im going to finish this off and go to bed. Harley has given me full time hours and I have a big day there tomorrow. Today was fun, worked all day at Harley then I hooked up with a friend Jan and went riding for a bit. Stopped by two bars then hooked up with a few others and went to Orlando Ale House for dinner and to watch the FSU v. Wakeforest game. We got there about 815 just in time to see the beginning of an embarrassing, no humiliating defeat. Our homecoming game and we ended up getting shut out 30 to 0. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse!! Anyway I surprised my friends by not only eating after 700 but ordering a 1/2 rack of ribs, mashed pot. and a sweet pot. Cleaned my plate I did:) Thats probably why Im still awake now sitting in my belly like a rock. The riding was good, I took the bike into work and the interstate that I use wasn't crowded at all. I was able to open her up a little a let her go. I was able to keep a steady speed of about 80 - 85. Closest thing to flying without leaving the ground. It was great!! Then tonight we rode around Winter Park that has lots of curves, had a great time my friend has a fat boy but she couldn't keep up. LOL her bike is lower to the ground so she couldn't take the curves like I was able to. Im trying to push my comfort level on curves. Want to be able to take them faster. Haven't had anyone on the back in a while so I can ride fast and hard without worrying about scaring them.I also Have been trying to get the front wheel off the ground coming out of first gear. I know Harleys aren't supposed to do wheelys but I was able to pop it once by accident so Im trying to do it now on purpose. Riding home tonight was great, It was another beautiful night. Tomorrow Im going to take the bike in as well, I have been riding a lot recently. I just want to get out and go . (For someone who isn't feeling chatty I sure have gone on hehe) It helps me to clear my head and I feel differently when Im riding. It gives me a sense of strength or maybe its just a more tougher feeling. Not sure which one or maybe a little of both. But I start to feel my fuck it attitude coming back. I like that, I like this feeling of not caring, of not figuring or not worrying. Im able to blow off any feelings that might be lingering and to basically butch up. I don't think this is because of my riding more I think its just because I am tired. Tired of caring, tired of trying, and just plain tired. I know this is just a phase of whatever it is Im going through. I am enjoying it though, its nice to put that part away that wants to analyze, reflect and embark on a voyage of enlightenment. I like going back to the fuck it stage, the part of me that stifles growth, doesn't care about taking care of issues ( mine or others) seizes the moment and just lives in the moment. Maybe by embracing this long lost part of me I can heal. I feel as though I have been sucked dry. I have been traveling this barren wasteland for too long.

steps

Ever have those days when it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back? I had my second interview today with the Public defenders office and it went really well. This is the job that I really wanted doing something that was really productive, beneficial and a career move. My only concern was in getting this job I felt bad about leaving the law firm, even though it really wasn't the job I wanted , I was currently looking for another firm, and I wanted to find something for more money and experience. Well the universe, God, whatever you choose took care of that for me today. The firm ran my drivers report. I didn't think any big deal because for the last 4 or so years I have taken off the lead boot, but they ran a complete record check. They said that they had to take into account my entire history because if ever something happened when I was out on a run for them the opposing lawyer would run a complete check so they had to as well. taking this info into account I was considered a liability and since I might have to drive for them occasionally they couldn't assume that liability. So basically they gave me a two weeks notice. That's a first. They said that I could use them as a reference and they wished it could be different and they didn't want me to be upset. I had just had a conversation with a friend that although this firm was a start it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt I could be doing something more. Here's my sign. I know to be careful about speaking things. Anyway Im going to talk with Harley and get more hours there until I can find another position that I really want or until this P.D. job comes into play. It is working in the juvenile division so Im sure it will be challenging and Im sure quite heartbreaking at times.
Just seems as though everytime I start to get going in the direction that I would like something comes along and presents difficulties. Im so tired of getting shot down. This past year really has sucked and I have gone through more metamorphosis then I would like. First ended a almost 6 year relationship, then moving, then changing jobs, health issues, school, another break up, and the continual self-reflection. O.K. Enough of the self pity what am I going to do about it? I am going to look at the fact that I have my health, my family and friends have their health, when a door closes a window is opened, and like everything there is a reason for everything and all I have to do is to try to do the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have realized something about myself, I am noticing some behaviors that I have started that I don't like. Don't really feel like getting into details (another blog day) but lets just say that it isn't the kind of person that I want to be so I know I have to take certain actions to not continue.
I just wish that I could get a burning bush, a crystal ball or something that would let me what Im supposed to be doing , where Im suppossed to be doing it, who Im to do it with, and how Im going to get there. I am just tired of wasting time. I feel as though the clock is ticking and I just want to get things right. Its this not knowing thing that drives me apeshit.
I went to a noon mass today. Dont worry to much not, Im not a Catholic, Im Episcapal. The first time in a long while, I really miss the spiritual aspect of my life. I find that when I am in touch with that my acceptance, patience and peace come alot easier. I dont think its because situations change it is my perception of them that change and Im not trying to control my surroundings. I even have started to read a book on Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths. I also started to read my books on Taoism again.

Angel and I

So I decided to follow suit and be a sheep for a change. Others are posting pics so I decided to take a risk and put some pics of myself up. That is me on the left taken in Amsterdam in June 2005. We were at the Heiney Experience. LOVE THAT BEER!! Not feeling any pain at that point. Did make it to many "coffee" shops but NO I didnt partake. I will admit going to a live sex show in the red light didtrict. I got pulled up on stage to assist a lady preformer. Thats a whole other blog.
This is in Copenhagen Denmark taken in August 2005. Anna is on the left Chris one of my ex's is 2nd to left , then me, Kirstin, Stine( we call her svine), and Batina (Bubber). A great bunch of girls I miss them especially Anna and Bubber. HOT!!! Anyway off topic.This is a new picture of me just taken today. When I look at these pics its as if Im looking at a totally different person. it is still a little strange when I look in a mirror and see this person looking back at me. My girls at Harley want me to bring in pictures of me from when I played rugby. They dont believe that I was once husky enough to be a prop. I saw an old professor and friend today he didnt recognize me. My friend Shelly and her girlfrend Crystal are calling me a girly girl. Just because when we were riding in the truck I saw a spider run across the dashboard I screamed and jumped behind Crystal yelling for her to kill it. I remember what the spiders did to Rick when he tried to save one so I wasnt going to take any chances!! I had her kill the bastard. Besides it was huge I think it was about 3 feet around! O.K. not that big but it was in a moving vechile with me and one of us was going and it wasnt going to be me. When we got back to Shelly's house she proceeded to pick me up and throw me over her shoulder like I was nothing. That is so odd. I used to be the one to do that to girls. They made me promise not to loose any more weight. I told them I still have meat on the bones just not a whole lot of fat. Im really not trying anymore. I figure my body will taper off when it wants. Im just going to keep eating healthy(YES I DO EAT!!) and doing what Im doing. I pretty much have setteled at about the weight I am now. As long as I feel and look good Im not worried. At the risk of sounding a little arrogant I know I look good. At least thats what I keep being told. Its nice to know that but its also really nice to hear from others.
This is Angel and I. She is a Harley Davidson 1200S. She is my baby. I was thinking about trading her in for something larger. I was looking at that Dyna custom but I cant anymore. I have hooked up with a couple of guys at work and they are going to help me fix her up even more. They have sporty's and agree that I shouldnt sell it, Besides I can just save up and get that Dyna without trading her in. Hows that for retail therapy? There is nothing wrong with having two Harleys. Also the one I want to get isnt going to be available until at least Feb. So that gives me plenty of time to save.

So Over It!!

I stopped by a local bar last night to say good bye to some friends that were moving out of town. As soon as I got there I ran into Mrs. Drama herself better known as grandma to some. I cant believe some people. I was polite and asked her if she had indeed told others that I had told her that I wanted her or was in love with her. She looked me straight in the eye and said no but she knew where that rumor came from. It came from S who told the girl Mrs Drama is dating and that's how she heard about it. Just 2 minutes before another girl Mrs. Drama was dating or had bben dating , who the fuck knows told me that Mrs. Drama told her that. I cant fucking believe it. First to lie to me then to try to tell me that S had started it. I am so over all this drama. One I never said anything like that, granted the day that I was drugged up on demoral I could have told her I loved her but I told everyone I talked to that day that I lived them and don't even remember talking to them. But never, never ever had I told her anything that could re,otely be construed to me wanting her or being in love with her. First and foremost since S I have not had wanted or been in love with anyone but S, second Mrs. Drama was dating a friend of mine and I would never do that to a friend.Third I had known Mrs. Drama fir about 20 years if I had wanted her it would have come up before now. I just left I was so disgusted. Then on my way out she tells me to call her. Ill call her alright I can think of lots of things to call her. I hate that this community is so small. I hate that people have to be so petty and small.
Anyways on a brighter note my friends from CA are in town, they arrived today and we met out for dinner. It was so great seeing them. Again they both offered for me to move out there with them. It was brought up not once but 3 times before dinner was over. I have to ponder it a little more but I think I see a move in the future for me. I know that you cant run from yourself but I gotta get out of here. I just want to be away from all this crap. I know that no matter where you go you have issues but at least a move would give me a fresh start. Im just tired of bullshit. Im tired of being lied to, of looking over my shoulder, and worrying when I go out if Im going to run into her and whoever she is dating now because there are really only two bars to go to. Im tired of being involved in such a small scene that everyone has to know your business and has to meddle in it. I have been out and about in this town for about 20 years. Its time to move on to something new. Thinking about all this crap makes me want to vomit. New job, new society, possibly a new relationship, just a new beginning. There is really nothing keeping me here. I can take my car, my dog, my bike so Im good.I can finish up school and look for a job out there. There is also a law school not far from their house. I have picked up and moved across the ocean so going to CA isn't that far. They are here for about 10 days so there is plenty of time to talk about it.

morning thoughts

Seems like my mind wont stop turning, it happens early in the A.M when Im just waking up. Its like my brains last ditch effort to get everything settled before fully waking up.This was this mornings steady stream. I started off thinking about the last time I saw her. Im a very touchy person I like to touch to get that connection. The last time I put my hand on her cheek she told to not touch her, the last time I held her hand it almost brought her to tears, she asked me not to hug her goodbye because she had to go into work and if I hugged her it would bring her to crying and she couldn't deal with that break down then. After all these thoughts I realized what I was grieving so much, it was the loss of that connection that's what I miss so much. I was looking at it as if being apart hurts this much for both of us why are we doing it, it can't be right. Yet it appears that I am the only one shedding tears over the loss of the connection, the tears she sheds aren't because of me. It is because of the other one that hurt her so badly that she cant, and/or doesn't want to have that connection again. Its not me. Im not saying that she isnt sad over us Im just saying that I now realize that our sadness comes from diferent areas. Im sad over the realtonship I lost and her sadness comes from the relaitionship she cant have. She was broken when I found her. I get that. she said that when we first met and I picked up her keys her thought was " here I go again" It didnt have to be another "again" she already had in her mind what was going to happen. she told me that maybe the reason we found each other when we did was so that we could help each other through a bad time. That wasn't the reason for me. She also said that she wished she had never met me and she was sorry for hurting me so badly. I think of Garth Brooks song " The dance" "Even knowing how it was going to end I wouldn't change a thing because I still had the dance."
I also thought about the ideas I had, how there were times that I saw so clearly us being together. I do believe that I am very intuitive but I also know that I have thing abut being right.(I know P.T. you would say thats the lawyer coming out of me.LOL) I think its entirely possible that I was seeing these things because that was what my heart wanted. I didn't want to be wrong about this. When I was with Ann I saw that relationship as the one. It was for me but that wasn't a prediction of the future it was just what I saw for myself and my hearts desire. When I was with Chris I knew it wasn't going to work but I didn't want to give up because of the time we had put into it and because I didn't want to be wrong again. With S I so wanted this to be it. I thought we were doing things the right way, we dated for a little before making a commitment, we didn't jump into anything, we were honest with each other, we talked about everything, we wanted the same things out of life, I was so attracted to her, everything was there. eveything but the timing. I guess I became the pig and she was just the chicken ( see last blog for explanation if needed). When I found out that she had only been out of a relationship for two weeks when we met my first instinct was to run. Yet I was assured that she was done and over that because she had already dealt with that.( funny how those same people are now the ones that are saying she needs to be single to heal) It really doesnt matter anyways because at that point It was too lateI had already fallen. anyhow I had been holding on because I had this vision that seemed so real to me but there inlies the operative words " for me" Its time to let go, there is no need to hold the door to my heart open when there is no desire for her to walk through. I realize that its not about me being right or wrong about this. its about not being the appropriate time. I did see what could have been but that was just looking at where my desires and actions were going. I was looking into a mirror not a crystal ball. All I was looking for was a small sign, for reason to not let go, for a reason to keep that possibility open, a reason to see something besides what starring me in the face. I just wanted a thread to grasp.
People say that I need to be single to fuck around and not be in a relationship. I think its important to be in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship but I want to be in a relationship. I can be single, date, fuck around and not settle down but I have done all of that already. I don't have that desire to go through all that. I want to be with one person. I want to create a life for us. I think people that are telling me I have to be single are people that are incapable for whatever reason to have a relationship. I think it is human nature to want to have a partner and to not be alone. Even animals seek out partners, with the exception of wasps and some spiders that kill their mates. There are some exceptions to both sides, nothing is absolute.

What will be will be. Serendipity an excellent movie. I know that I am not finished with love. I am incapeable of closing off my heart. If we are meant to be we will and if not then thats because there is someone more appropriate out there for both of us. I just wish that things could have been different. I wish they could be different now.

Ham or Eggs

Took the bike out tonight with my buddy GB for a long ride. GB is having issues with his wife and Im having a hard day as well. We usually go out and hot rod around and blow of some steam. We got a late start tonight, didn't leave his place until around 600. This is usually my favorite time to ride because I love to look at the sunset. Tonight had a beautiful sunset and the sky was incredible. All and all it was a gorgeous night for riding. I really wanted to give her a call to see if she wanted to come out tonight. I miss us going for rides together. I rode before I met her and Im still riding but I just couldn't get the times we would go out together out of my head. GB says that Im not letting go because of expectations. Expectations I had for the relationship, her and myself. I guess that make a little sense but I still miss her. Just want to get her out of my mind. No I don't that's a lie, I want to get the hurt out of my heart. Can I do one without the other?
After riding I went over to Mother Ricks house tonight to watch our usual Ugly Betty and Grays Anatomy. That is our usual Thursday night thing. I got there late so I could only catch G.A. O.K. Im addicted I love that show. There are a couple that I try not to miss. G.A. Ugly Betty, Boston Legal and the group therapy with Ted Dansa. Help you Help me I think the name is. anywho G.A was good tonight learned all about being either a pig or a chicken in relationships. I know things are bad when you start finding lessons in t.v sitcoms but this one actually is kinda cool. I have this thing about analogies and sayings. Anyway this guys wife is pregnant and he wants to get married he said that basically he had been eggs through the relationship but now he was ham. He looked at it as a breakfast plate. The chicken was involved as to the point that she produced the eggs but that's all she wasn't committed she just played a part. Now the pig on the other hand was committed to the breakfast because he was ham now. there was no backing out he was a part, commitment. so the question he had to ask himself was he ham or eggs. He decided ham and wanted to get married.

I dont know what that has to do with things but I thought it was interesting. Just rambeling now I think Im just going to go to bed. I have been at Mother Ricks house since Sunday. They have been tenting my apt. for termites so Bamse and I stayed with them. I was going to be there tonight cause i just didnt want to be alone but i decided I needed to suck it up and just go home.

I had a call from the Public Defenders office, they wanted me to come in for another interview. I decided to go even though I started at a firm downtown, I figured it couldnt hurt to see what they had to say. They said that they thought I was to qualified for just a clerk position so they were interviewing me for a assistant/receptionist position. The interview went really well. I interviewed with 3 people and they loved me. How could they not? :) It turn out this position is in the juvenille division so I will probably get a chance to see some of my friends students. LOL I think it looks really good so we'll see. They say good things come to those that wait. I have been waiting long enough. She said she was going to be calling me again for another interview, I imagine to sit with the attorneys Ill be working with. Keep your fingers crossed.