Now for the best part of the holiday... being over. I have never been one for the holidays and for the past couple of years that has been no exception. Especially this year my holiday spirit has been next to none. I am simply counting down to when all this fuss will be over. Now only a couple of days until Jan. 2nd. I put New Years in pretty much the same placement as X-mas and that is overrated and over celebrated . This is the second year in the row that Ill will spend these holidays in the states which makes it worse. Well almost finished with this season. I think I just have itchy feet.
I have some friends that are going to Amsterdam and Paris in late March or April and want me to go with them as a tour guide. I think I can work out getting at least 5 days off from work so Im thinking seriously about it. It shouldnt be a problem now that I have decided to hold off on a new Harley. I have put the plans for a new Harley on hold until I can pay off the credit cards I have and finished my school (either law or other). I figure the Harley can be my reward. Also I have a pefectly good Harley that is geting even better, not to mention paid for, so I can put off getting a new one and do some other things that are important to me as well. Yes Peter Pan has grown up.
Rick is moving at the end of Feb. Its only 45 min. away but Im not sure what Im going to do without him. He has been so incredible recently but I have found a substitute while he is away. Laurie. she is a friend that works with me at Harley. I tell her she is better than a mom, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc all rolled into one. I get 2 kids that arent mine but I can enjoy, a husband that will take care of her for me, she and I go shopping together, she buys me things, we have dinner together,she brings me luch at work, she listens me, all the perks minus the responsibilities and crap and of course minus the sex. She then can live vicariuosly through me and hear about all my adventures. Its a perfect match. LOL I spent a good part of X-mas day with her, her 2 kids , husband, brother and sister inlaw and their 3 kids. I had a great time I really love spending time with their girls Ava and Caidence. Caidence feel asleep with he head in my lap with her arm wrapped around me to make sure I wouldnt leave and of course since she was there her sister had to sit on me as well. I believe thery are 7 and 4. Bill her husband is great too, Lauir says we are kindered spirits, we even use the same dorky phrases such as cool beans, 6 of one half dozen of another things like that. Mother Rick wont be replaced but at least he can leave knowing that I am well taken care of.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
lightbulbs
Ever have one of those moments of clarity when eveything seems to be actually following some sort of logical pattern that can actually be undestood by you? When the light bulb goes off and a big AHHA follows. Today I had one of those moments of clarity. I got my LSAT scores back last night and they are good enough to get into two of the law schools that i am going to apply. I talked with the public defender today and he said he would write one of my refrence letters. (actually he told me to write it and he would sign it) it just seems like i have found my path. Eveything is falling into place for me. I love my jobs (all 3 of them) but especially the one at the P.D's office and they will even pay for some of my schooling. There isnt any doubt in my mind that this is where I need to be. Except today an attorney told me they were going to transfer to the State because I was to Republican to be on their side. I think the comment fry them all and let God sort them out might have given her that idea. HAHA I just wanted to see Marks head turn red.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Dream escape
So I had a bizarre night.. Something happened that I have never had happen to me before. I was having a dream about her. That's nothing new but what happened is. This dream was one of those that seemed so real. I remember I could feel her, smell her and feel the passion when we were kissing. Now comes the never before part... I remember snapping myself out of the dream. Now this was a dream that normally I wouldn't want to snap out of if you know what I mean, but I remember saying out loud this is only a dream and it has to stop. Its time to get on with things, she isn't coming back, she doesn't want to come back, and it is time I moved on so snap out of it. I then woke myself up. I was able to go right back to sleep then I dreamed about work. Sitting at the table with some of the attorneys talking about my LSAT scores. How well I did on them, how I was going to go to Barry and become one of them. Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up. I feel very rested today and Im off to work for another day. Still love the job.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
humbug
Finally done with finals. Thank You Jesus!!! now I can semi-relax until the 8th of Jan. Only thing on the agenda is work, riding and whatever happens to come my way in the way of adventure. After the holidays I've told Harley I would like at least one weekend off a month. I want and need a little time to enjoy myself. They said it wouldn't be a problem so Im happy about that.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.
Monday, December 11, 2006
yo-yo
One final done two to go. I havent had much time to come and write and I miss it. I have been so busy that I havent had a chance to do much of anything which is a good thing. My body is telling me I need to slow down a little but Im concerned that by slowing down my feelings will catch up to me. It has occured to me that all I have been doing is running, granted it has been to positive things but I have yet to face some issues. A while back the slowing and just letting the feelings be stopped working, I got tired of just letting them be so I started running. I tried letting go but letting go was so much easier when I wasnt thinking of them. those pesty little emotions have a way of creeping back in even when you dont want them to. I dont know how to just stop feeling this sadness. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried talking about it, I tried letting go and giving it to God, Ive tried old behaviors, Ive tried faking it til I make it and nothing works. Maybe Im not supposed to get over it. All I know is that I feel a void inside and no mattter how much I do for myself it isnt being filled. There have been days that I constantly ask God to take it away, to remove the ache and it comes right back. I know it isnt for me to ask why but... why doesnt it go away. Why cant I just heal. I dont want to be broken. Why the fuck am I still rambleling on about this? I feel like a giant yo-yo, back and forth.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
work
I used to have a friend that said she wished I had a job that took so much out of me that I would be able to feel how exhausted she was at the end of the day. I don't understand why she would wish such a thing but she has gotten her wish. Im lying in bed going to passout after this is written. A friend wants me to go out with her and her girlfriend and I tried to explain that I just needed sleep. she didn't get it. I am absolutely exhausted. Every bit of energy goes into what I need to get accomplished during the day. Any extra energy goes to functioning. a consolation is that even though I am exhausted I feel like I accomplished something and it was a full day but a good day.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
LSAT - Long Shitty Ass Test
Friday night I was so relaxed about that damned test. A friend of mine, T, Called and told me to come over and she would cook me dinner while I studied on the sofa and tried to relax. She made an incredible dinner but I didn't get a whole lot of studying done. I was so tired that the words were running together so I just vegged on and went home early to get a good nights sleep. Then I had a friend call and ask me to play rugby with them on Sat. morning. I think the beating i would have taken on the pitch wouod have ben prefered to the beting I got in that room. LOL They were playing in the Florida Cup and need an extr player. I havent played in a couple of years and I am in no shape to play 2 40 min. halfs in a match and play as a prop. Right now I weigh about what one of those girls left leg weighs!! It would have killed me( but I would have loved every monute of it) Getting to hit, tackle, the scruming and rucking!!!! sounds like a porno. Ruck til you scrum!! lol sorry off on a tangent. anyways I obviously told her i couldnt but maybe next time.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.
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