Follow the leader

When are you supposed to stop following your heart and listen to your mind.?How do you know if what you are listening to is your heart speaking the truth or if you are just making yourself believe something because its not what the heart wants to hear?Do you follow your heart when your brain is telling you otherwise? If not, how do you know when not to? Im searching desperately for a balance. Im sitting in civil lit class and it is so basic im bored out of my mind so I have plenty of time to let my mind wander. I've participated but he wont call on me anymore so my mind can wander. Anyway back to discussion at hand. I think maybe it just goes back to not living with any regrets or wondering what if.

Fortune cookie wishes

Reading over P.T's blog and seeing the fortune cookie I remembered the fortune cookie I got while I was out to dinner with a friend the other night, It said your most desired dream would come true. Now given that I actually believe it to happen just because it says so in a fortune cookie put aside now is the dilemma of deciding what my most desired dream is and why I have to narrow it down to my most desired dream not dreams. Anywho I had to think about it for awhile and I really cant narrow it down that's why I don't do so well making wishes on birthday cakes, throwing pennies into wells or breaking apart wish bones. There is always the korney beauty pageant wish for peace on earth but every beauty contestant wishes for that so why waste my wish there. I thought about wishing to be back with my ex but maybe that would be just my wish not hers so why be somewhere that Im not wanted and maybe that's not where Im supposed to be, I thought about wishing for the admission into law school for the fall but then came the thought of wishing for a healthy child. I then thought about wishing for the ability to be able to understand my faults and issues so I would be able to resolve them so I don't have to repeat them. I decided that my wish would be to put one foot in front of the other, not to cause harm to others, to try to help when I can, and to live each day with no regrets. I think that would pretty much cover everything without having to choose one wish.

direction

Started Sat. night when I came over to sit for Mother Rick. Rosies family cruise was on and what a tear jerker. Watching all those families it was so touching. My clock seems to be ticking anyway but compounded with that show . OH MY GOD!! I turned it off halfway through I just couldnt watch it anymore. I ended up just going to bed.
Sunday morning I didnt have to be at work until 100 so I decided I to go to mass. Right after communion I went back and started to pray. Just asking God to show me what direction I am going in, and to give me the wisdom to be on that track and the strength to carry on. I know that there is a purpose and there is a plan I just really needed to have a sign shown to me. To give me some indication and relief.Now Im not much of a bible thumper by any means but I know I have to start filling my life up something other than what I have been feeling. I want my life to take a direction and I feel so ready for it to get moving yet at the same time I still feel as if I need a direction to take it. Some people say that relegion is for the weak. I can understand that because I feel weak right now. I have tried eveything that I know to deal with issues in my life and I cant do it. Maybe Im trying to push the river. My mind, body and spirit need relief. I cant let go, I dont want to. o.k. I sense a ramble coming on... I dont want to let go becaue I told myself that the last relationship was going to be the last, that I didnt ever want to go through a break up again, I didnt want to deal with the hurt. I guess in my mind Im sticking to it, if I dont let go I dont have to deal with it. Forget the ramble Ill save it for later no energy for that. back to the scheduled blog...There are so many options. After church I went back to Mother Ricks for breakfast and we started talking about the t.v show and the mass. We both started bawling in the kitchen. There are some things that I want and I have become aware that time is running out. Uncle Mike told me to come read the sports page and Mother Rick just handed me a tissue.

Poster Child

I made it through the holiday season and now it is finally time to get a little me time. There is a lot of things going on and so many different things happening. To start out with a couple of days before New Years I got a phone call from an old dear friend, Lani. She said she was getting a bunch of the ladies together from the old women's group and wanted me to come. I hadn't made a decision what I was doing so I asked her what made this come to be. She said she missed me in her life and that she had recently come to realize how precious life is and that she wanted the people she cared most for in her life around her and I was one of those people. I told her to go on because it felt as if there was something more there. It turns out that she has lesions on her heart that they cant stop growing, and eventually will be terminal. After hearing that of course I said I would be there. It was a great evening. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. I got my cards read and eveything Chris told me was so accurate it was frightening. I think it was so scary because I knew eveything she was saying but I didn't want to look at a lot of it. The ladies are planning a bachelorette auction to benefit the center and convinced me to enter. I had done one for them a long time ago and they convinced me to do this one. they wanted to take some pictures to make some posters so I went home got the bike and leathers and we took some pictures. So not only am I in the auction but they are using me as the poster child for the fliers. Im just glad that I never had the desire to run for public office. So far my package includes a ride, dinner, a possible room at the embassy suites for coffee, wine and cheese cake and Im not sure what else. I have some back up coming in case there is someone bidding on me that I don't want to have buy me. They are expecting between 50 - 100 women at the auction so it should be a blast. Not to mention it is for a good cause.
Im think I might be moving at the end of this month. It is not for sure yet but Im going to talk to the owner tomorrow so it looks real good. I have a tattoo artist designing the phoenix tattoo that I want. I started working out again, and health wise I feel better than I have in a very long time. I feel like I am rediscovering me. This years theme is " all about me" its all about me. Life is too precious to not surround myself with those I care about and to not get out of life what I want.

Manatees

Been having weird dreams recently. The other night I dreamt I was riding my bike down a gravel road. It was the old road that used to lead to a beach I go to. I love to go there because I always see alligators hanging out on the side. The only gators I like other than on my dinner plate. Anywhos I love to watch out for them and always get a kick when I see one. But back to my dream.. I was driving down this gravel road and there were a lot of alligators out. Most of them I could only see the top of their noses but there were a few that were all the way out of the water. I remember smiling as I was going by and thinking that this wouldn't be a good place to go swimming. As I drove I ended up at Blue Springs. When I was a kid we would go to there to see the manatees. Well that's were I ended up walking along the run looking for manatees. I started calling for them and they started to appear. I found some lettuce and started to feed them. There were even baby manatees. I remember feeling so happy feeding and talking to them. I could see one gator off in the background but it didn't want to come near and I remember thinking how glad I was that the manatees were not in any danger. I was so happy in the dream. I had been wanting to go see them this season but I hadn't had the time but I think this Sat. I am going to take a ride down there to see them. I get out of work about 200 so I believe its time for a ride.