Follow the leader

When are you supposed to stop following your heart and listen to your mind.?How do you know if what you are listening to is your heart speaking the truth or if you are just making yourself believe something because its not what the heart wants to hear?Do you follow your heart when your brain is telling you otherwise? If not, how do you know when not to? Im searching desperately for a balance. Im sitting in civil lit class and it is so basic im bored out of my mind so I have plenty of time to let my mind wander. I've participated but he wont call on me anymore so my mind can wander. Anyway back to discussion at hand. I think maybe it just goes back to not living with any regrets or wondering what if.

Fortune cookie wishes

Reading over P.T's blog and seeing the fortune cookie I remembered the fortune cookie I got while I was out to dinner with a friend the other night, It said your most desired dream would come true. Now given that I actually believe it to happen just because it says so in a fortune cookie put aside now is the dilemma of deciding what my most desired dream is and why I have to narrow it down to my most desired dream not dreams. Anywho I had to think about it for awhile and I really cant narrow it down that's why I don't do so well making wishes on birthday cakes, throwing pennies into wells or breaking apart wish bones. There is always the korney beauty pageant wish for peace on earth but every beauty contestant wishes for that so why waste my wish there. I thought about wishing to be back with my ex but maybe that would be just my wish not hers so why be somewhere that Im not wanted and maybe that's not where Im supposed to be, I thought about wishing for the admission into law school for the fall but then came the thought of wishing for a healthy child. I then thought about wishing for the ability to be able to understand my faults and issues so I would be able to resolve them so I don't have to repeat them. I decided that my wish would be to put one foot in front of the other, not to cause harm to others, to try to help when I can, and to live each day with no regrets. I think that would pretty much cover everything without having to choose one wish.

direction

Started Sat. night when I came over to sit for Mother Rick. Rosies family cruise was on and what a tear jerker. Watching all those families it was so touching. My clock seems to be ticking anyway but compounded with that show . OH MY GOD!! I turned it off halfway through I just couldnt watch it anymore. I ended up just going to bed.
Sunday morning I didnt have to be at work until 100 so I decided I to go to mass. Right after communion I went back and started to pray. Just asking God to show me what direction I am going in, and to give me the wisdom to be on that track and the strength to carry on. I know that there is a purpose and there is a plan I just really needed to have a sign shown to me. To give me some indication and relief.Now Im not much of a bible thumper by any means but I know I have to start filling my life up something other than what I have been feeling. I want my life to take a direction and I feel so ready for it to get moving yet at the same time I still feel as if I need a direction to take it. Some people say that relegion is for the weak. I can understand that because I feel weak right now. I have tried eveything that I know to deal with issues in my life and I cant do it. Maybe Im trying to push the river. My mind, body and spirit need relief. I cant let go, I dont want to. o.k. I sense a ramble coming on... I dont want to let go becaue I told myself that the last relationship was going to be the last, that I didnt ever want to go through a break up again, I didnt want to deal with the hurt. I guess in my mind Im sticking to it, if I dont let go I dont have to deal with it. Forget the ramble Ill save it for later no energy for that. back to the scheduled blog...There are so many options. After church I went back to Mother Ricks for breakfast and we started talking about the t.v show and the mass. We both started bawling in the kitchen. There are some things that I want and I have become aware that time is running out. Uncle Mike told me to come read the sports page and Mother Rick just handed me a tissue.

Poster Child

I made it through the holiday season and now it is finally time to get a little me time. There is a lot of things going on and so many different things happening. To start out with a couple of days before New Years I got a phone call from an old dear friend, Lani. She said she was getting a bunch of the ladies together from the old women's group and wanted me to come. I hadn't made a decision what I was doing so I asked her what made this come to be. She said she missed me in her life and that she had recently come to realize how precious life is and that she wanted the people she cared most for in her life around her and I was one of those people. I told her to go on because it felt as if there was something more there. It turns out that she has lesions on her heart that they cant stop growing, and eventually will be terminal. After hearing that of course I said I would be there. It was a great evening. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. I got my cards read and eveything Chris told me was so accurate it was frightening. I think it was so scary because I knew eveything she was saying but I didn't want to look at a lot of it. The ladies are planning a bachelorette auction to benefit the center and convinced me to enter. I had done one for them a long time ago and they convinced me to do this one. they wanted to take some pictures to make some posters so I went home got the bike and leathers and we took some pictures. So not only am I in the auction but they are using me as the poster child for the fliers. Im just glad that I never had the desire to run for public office. So far my package includes a ride, dinner, a possible room at the embassy suites for coffee, wine and cheese cake and Im not sure what else. I have some back up coming in case there is someone bidding on me that I don't want to have buy me. They are expecting between 50 - 100 women at the auction so it should be a blast. Not to mention it is for a good cause.
Im think I might be moving at the end of this month. It is not for sure yet but Im going to talk to the owner tomorrow so it looks real good. I have a tattoo artist designing the phoenix tattoo that I want. I started working out again, and health wise I feel better than I have in a very long time. I feel like I am rediscovering me. This years theme is " all about me" its all about me. Life is too precious to not surround myself with those I care about and to not get out of life what I want.

Manatees

Been having weird dreams recently. The other night I dreamt I was riding my bike down a gravel road. It was the old road that used to lead to a beach I go to. I love to go there because I always see alligators hanging out on the side. The only gators I like other than on my dinner plate. Anywhos I love to watch out for them and always get a kick when I see one. But back to my dream.. I was driving down this gravel road and there were a lot of alligators out. Most of them I could only see the top of their noses but there were a few that were all the way out of the water. I remember smiling as I was going by and thinking that this wouldn't be a good place to go swimming. As I drove I ended up at Blue Springs. When I was a kid we would go to there to see the manatees. Well that's were I ended up walking along the run looking for manatees. I started calling for them and they started to appear. I found some lettuce and started to feed them. There were even baby manatees. I remember feeling so happy feeding and talking to them. I could see one gator off in the background but it didn't want to come near and I remember thinking how glad I was that the manatees were not in any danger. I was so happy in the dream. I had been wanting to go see them this season but I hadn't had the time but I think this Sat. I am going to take a ride down there to see them. I get out of work about 200 so I believe its time for a ride.

Almost Over

Now for the best part of the holiday... being over. I have never been one for the holidays and for the past couple of years that has been no exception. Especially this year my holiday spirit has been next to none. I am simply counting down to when all this fuss will be over. Now only a couple of days until Jan. 2nd. I put New Years in pretty much the same placement as X-mas and that is overrated and over celebrated . This is the second year in the row that Ill will spend these holidays in the states which makes it worse. Well almost finished with this season. I think I just have itchy feet.
I have some friends that are going to Amsterdam and Paris in late March or April and want me to go with them as a tour guide. I think I can work out getting at least 5 days off from work so Im thinking seriously about it. It shouldnt be a problem now that I have decided to hold off on a new Harley. I have put the plans for a new Harley on hold until I can pay off the credit cards I have and finished my school (either law or other). I figure the Harley can be my reward. Also I have a pefectly good Harley that is geting even better, not to mention paid for, so I can put off getting a new one and do some other things that are important to me as well. Yes Peter Pan has grown up.
Rick is moving at the end of Feb. Its only 45 min. away but Im not sure what Im going to do without him. He has been so incredible recently but I have found a substitute while he is away. Laurie. she is a friend that works with me at Harley. I tell her she is better than a mom, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc all rolled into one. I get 2 kids that arent mine but I can enjoy, a husband that will take care of her for me, she and I go shopping together, she buys me things, we have dinner together,she brings me luch at work, she listens me, all the perks minus the responsibilities and crap and of course minus the sex. She then can live vicariuosly through me and hear about all my adventures. Its a perfect match. LOL I spent a good part of X-mas day with her, her 2 kids , husband, brother and sister inlaw and their 3 kids. I had a great time I really love spending time with their girls Ava and Caidence. Caidence feel asleep with he head in my lap with her arm wrapped around me to make sure I wouldnt leave and of course since she was there her sister had to sit on me as well. I believe thery are 7 and 4. Bill her husband is great too, Lauir says we are kindered spirits, we even use the same dorky phrases such as cool beans, 6 of one half dozen of another things like that. Mother Rick wont be replaced but at least he can leave knowing that I am well taken care of.

lightbulbs

Ever have one of those moments of clarity when eveything seems to be actually following some sort of logical pattern that can actually be undestood by you? When the light bulb goes off and a big AHHA follows. Today I had one of those moments of clarity. I got my LSAT scores back last night and they are good enough to get into two of the law schools that i am going to apply. I talked with the public defender today and he said he would write one of my refrence letters. (actually he told me to write it and he would sign it) it just seems like i have found my path. Eveything is falling into place for me. I love my jobs (all 3 of them) but especially the one at the P.D's office and they will even pay for some of my schooling. There isnt any doubt in my mind that this is where I need to be. Except today an attorney told me they were going to transfer to the State because I was to Republican to be on their side. I think the comment fry them all and let God sort them out might have given her that idea. HAHA I just wanted to see Marks head turn red.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.

Dream escape

So I had a bizarre night.. Something happened that I have never had happen to me before. I was having a dream about her. That's nothing new but what happened is. This dream was one of those that seemed so real. I remember I could feel her, smell her and feel the passion when we were kissing. Now comes the never before part... I remember snapping myself out of the dream. Now this was a dream that normally I wouldn't want to snap out of if you know what I mean, but I remember saying out loud this is only a dream and it has to stop. Its time to get on with things, she isn't coming back, she doesn't want to come back, and it is time I moved on so snap out of it. I then woke myself up. I was able to go right back to sleep then I dreamed about work. Sitting at the table with some of the attorneys talking about my LSAT scores. How well I did on them, how I was going to go to Barry and become one of them. Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up. I feel very rested today and Im off to work for another day. Still love the job.

humbug

Finally done with finals. Thank You Jesus!!! now I can semi-relax until the 8th of Jan. Only thing on the agenda is work, riding and whatever happens to come my way in the way of adventure. After the holidays I've told Harley I would like at least one weekend off a month. I want and need a little time to enjoy myself. They said it wouldn't be a problem so Im happy about that.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.

yo-yo

One final done two to go. I havent had much time to come and write and I miss it. I have been so busy that I havent had a chance to do much of anything which is a good thing. My body is telling me I need to slow down a little but Im concerned that by slowing down my feelings will catch up to me. It has occured to me that all I have been doing is running, granted it has been to positive things but I have yet to face some issues. A while back the slowing and just letting the feelings be stopped working, I got tired of just letting them be so I started running. I tried letting go but letting go was so much easier when I wasnt thinking of them. those pesty little emotions have a way of creeping back in even when you dont want them to. I dont know how to just stop feeling this sadness. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried talking about it, I tried letting go and giving it to God, Ive tried old behaviors, Ive tried faking it til I make it and nothing works. Maybe Im not supposed to get over it. All I know is that I feel a void inside and no mattter how much I do for myself it isnt being filled. There have been days that I constantly ask God to take it away, to remove the ache and it comes right back. I know it isnt for me to ask why but... why doesnt it go away. Why cant I just heal. I dont want to be broken. Why the fuck am I still rambleling on about this? I feel like a giant yo-yo, back and forth.

work

I used to have a friend that said she wished I had a job that took so much out of me that I would be able to feel how exhausted she was at the end of the day. I don't understand why she would wish such a thing but she has gotten her wish. Im lying in bed going to passout after this is written. A friend wants me to go out with her and her girlfriend and I tried to explain that I just needed sleep. she didn't get it. I am absolutely exhausted. Every bit of energy goes into what I need to get accomplished during the day. Any extra energy goes to functioning. a consolation is that even though I am exhausted I feel like I accomplished something and it was a full day but a good day.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.

LSAT - Long Shitty Ass Test

Friday night I was so relaxed about that damned test. A friend of mine, T, Called and told me to come over and she would cook me dinner while I studied on the sofa and tried to relax. She made an incredible dinner but I didn't get a whole lot of studying done. I was so tired that the words were running together so I just vegged on and went home early to get a good nights sleep. Then I had a friend call and ask me to play rugby with them on Sat. morning. I think the beating i would have taken on the pitch wouod have ben prefered to the beting I got in that room. LOL They were playing in the Florida Cup and need an extr player. I havent played in a couple of years and I am in no shape to play 2 40 min. halfs in a match and play as a prop. Right now I weigh about what one of those girls left leg weighs!! It would have killed me( but I would have loved every monute of it) Getting to hit, tackle, the scruming and rucking!!!! sounds like a porno. Ruck til you scrum!! lol sorry off on a tangent. anyways I obviously told her i couldnt but maybe next time.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.

New Job Update

Fifth day on the job and I still love it. I have figured one thing out, and that is that even though I love what Im doing it isn't going to be enough for me. Im looking forward to the LSAT so I can start to apply to law schools. Im not nervous at all about the taking it because I feel like that is the direction that I am going to go. I have to wonder a little bit why it took me so long to get on this path. The reason I can figure is that I was so worried I would fail or not be able to. I cant believe now that I could have doubted myself that much. I have one person to thank for the push that I needed to get my butt in gear. The motivation to start following my passion. Thank you. For the first time I feel like I have a job that is more than just a paycheck or just a job. I actually feel a sense of pride when I tell people where I work. Even though I think my opinions would fit in better working for the States Attorneys ( I say fry them all and let God sort them out) . I am helping uphold their constitutional rights and that is important to me especially since we seem to have a President bound and determined to bastardize/abuse the Constitution. Don't get me started!! LOL
I find myself at work shaking my head a lot of the times, wondering how these kids can get into so much trouble and wondering where the hell the parents are and what are they doing. Every day I open about 25 new cases and we open more than we close. I find myself looking for my friends students. Sorry guys but next year doesn't look so great for you either.
My life is so busy right now but it is a good thing. Im taking care of what I need to do. After this month I can slow down a little so only 31 more days to go. Finals are next week and both jobs are busy. A friend works for a catering company and he got me working with him for the holidays so I have a couple of weddings and X-Mas parties to help with. That will help get that down payment on the new Harley. Angel wants a sister. LOL
Anyway good night all, I have a long day tomorrow of work and then last minute studying so I need to get to bed. Now that Im a working girl it is past my bedtime. LOL

Long time

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I have been so busy not sure where to start. To start off I got a phone call from the P.D's office and I started work today. Im going to be working as a legal sec. to about 4 different attorneys in the juvenile division. I absolutely love it. It is really great when you can see the reason for things that happen in your life. When I got laid off from the private attorneys office I had no idea I would be getting this. This is what I really wanted and it appears that this is the reason I lost the other job.
Over the holidays I had a pretty big revelation. I saw my grandmother and she didn't recognize me. She had a clue she knew who I was but she couldn't quite place me. After this I went outside and God and I had a little talk. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore . Meaning that I am so tired of trying to be in control, having to figure everything out, basically putting my hands into the works. I told him that I was ready to give up control to put my faith back into him and that everything that is happening is for a purpose and it isn't for my understanding. I told him that between my grandmother, my career, S, school, my plans for my future, I found out the guy that I was planning on having kids with has gotten back into drugs and isn't planning on sticking to our agreement, that everything was too much. After this I felt sense of peace that I didn't have the responsibility for things. Not meaning that I wasn't taking an active part but that I just didn't have to be in the drivers seat anymore. I constantly have to give him things because old habits are hard to break but It is getting less and less. I just have faith that everyting is as it should be even if I don't understand them. Im also finding that my change in attitude is changing how I act and react to things. I am tird of trying to be angry. Anger takes to much energy and that is not me. My attitude now is I just want to be. Accept whatever comes my way as just something that is. I have been so blessed by my family, friends and the life that I have. Not to mention my motorcycle. She has new shocks that I am putting on and she is getting new pipes. Thunderheaders!!! Those are the shit!!! LOUDER and FASTER!!! will give me more horsepower!! That's all the excitement I need!! Went out for a long ride last night the longest since April. Had such a great time. Just riding and really not thinking or analyzing anything. Went out by some lakes where it was so quiet. God it was nice!! Living in the moment. I think that's the key. Just enjoying what is when it is. Such a simple concept yet so difficult when Im trying to control things, trying to get them to turn out how I want them.
Finals are coming up, LSAT is on sat. working 2 jobs and trying to have a social life shit no wonder I havent been here in a while. But life is good and Im not waiting for the bomb to drop Im just taking things as they come. No expectations, just living in the moment.

numb

I am so tired of caring, of being understanding and attempting to be a spiritual person. Being true to my libra self this is a natural course for me exploring both ends of the spectrum until I find the happy medium. After going through some self exploration and discovery I am tired of it. I have started to resort back to the old me. The old me that goes to anger and just says fuck it. I like this feeling at least it feels better than hurting. This is a familiar feeling to me. Am I angry? Hell yes Im pissed off. Im pissed off at myself for letting myself get in this position , Im pissed at her for not being able to put her past behind her, Im pissed at her ex for doing this to her,even having to deal with this Im pissed off. Im pissed because I feel cheated, Im pissed because I never stood a chance. Im pissed that Im not stronger than this and I cant let it go. I dont know how. Im pissed because I dont feel enough selfworth to just say fuck and forget it. Im pissed just because I want to be. I know I cant stay in this for long before Ill emerge and start working on myself agian but for right now this shit Im lingering in is still warm and cozy. What am I getting out of this? Thats a no brainer. I dont have to think, I dont have to care, I dont have to feel, and I dont have to hurt.
Hence the FUCK IT blog. Not saying fuck you to anyone in specific just the world in general. Im just saying it in general. I used to have a tattoo on my arm that said FTW. I got it when I was young and angry. I told my mom it meant free the world, to free it from the oppressions of society but it really meant fuck the world. It has long been removed by laser surgery but the feeling is back. From what Im to understand the process of grieving consistes of bargaining, sadness , anger and acceptance. Well guess where Im hanging out? Will this be directed at any one person? No of course not. Is this because of any one person. No. Im just tired.The only emotion I choose to feel right now is anger on the way to numbness. Numb is good. Comfortably numb is better.

A Big FUCK YOU

A BIG FUCK YOU!! That's pretty much what Im hearing. Goes from a phone call every once in a while to nothing. Whatever!! She is obviously gone from my life now all I need to do is get her out of my head. and out of my dreams. Every night I close my eyes I end up having her there. Last night we were talking and I telling her how I realized that she was trying to be something she wasn't for me and I just wanted her to be who she wanted because I would love her no matter who she was. The dream goes on on and on as were talk and work things out. Im not sure what is going on. The last phone call started by I was just calling so I wouldn't be rude. The only way I can interrupt this is a big fuck you to me. That's cool rayray. At least I now know the direction this is going. Actions speak louder than words. I hate this saying, I hate it because it is true and I hate looking at what things are instead of seeing what I want. On my way to work now but I just woke up with all this crap and I wanted to get it out before I started my day. Pretty much of a ranting but fuck it. Fuck it all.

Closest thing to flying

Not feeling very chatty tonight. Im laying here in bed trying to decide if I want to get up and go meet some friends at a strip bar. They just texted me and they are hanging out and want me to come down. I think Im going to finish this off and go to bed. Harley has given me full time hours and I have a big day there tomorrow. Today was fun, worked all day at Harley then I hooked up with a friend Jan and went riding for a bit. Stopped by two bars then hooked up with a few others and went to Orlando Ale House for dinner and to watch the FSU v. Wakeforest game. We got there about 815 just in time to see the beginning of an embarrassing, no humiliating defeat. Our homecoming game and we ended up getting shut out 30 to 0. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse!! Anyway I surprised my friends by not only eating after 700 but ordering a 1/2 rack of ribs, mashed pot. and a sweet pot. Cleaned my plate I did:) Thats probably why Im still awake now sitting in my belly like a rock. The riding was good, I took the bike into work and the interstate that I use wasn't crowded at all. I was able to open her up a little a let her go. I was able to keep a steady speed of about 80 - 85. Closest thing to flying without leaving the ground. It was great!! Then tonight we rode around Winter Park that has lots of curves, had a great time my friend has a fat boy but she couldn't keep up. LOL her bike is lower to the ground so she couldn't take the curves like I was able to. Im trying to push my comfort level on curves. Want to be able to take them faster. Haven't had anyone on the back in a while so I can ride fast and hard without worrying about scaring them.I also Have been trying to get the front wheel off the ground coming out of first gear. I know Harleys aren't supposed to do wheelys but I was able to pop it once by accident so Im trying to do it now on purpose. Riding home tonight was great, It was another beautiful night. Tomorrow Im going to take the bike in as well, I have been riding a lot recently. I just want to get out and go . (For someone who isn't feeling chatty I sure have gone on hehe) It helps me to clear my head and I feel differently when Im riding. It gives me a sense of strength or maybe its just a more tougher feeling. Not sure which one or maybe a little of both. But I start to feel my fuck it attitude coming back. I like that, I like this feeling of not caring, of not figuring or not worrying. Im able to blow off any feelings that might be lingering and to basically butch up. I don't think this is because of my riding more I think its just because I am tired. Tired of caring, tired of trying, and just plain tired. I know this is just a phase of whatever it is Im going through. I am enjoying it though, its nice to put that part away that wants to analyze, reflect and embark on a voyage of enlightenment. I like going back to the fuck it stage, the part of me that stifles growth, doesn't care about taking care of issues ( mine or others) seizes the moment and just lives in the moment. Maybe by embracing this long lost part of me I can heal. I feel as though I have been sucked dry. I have been traveling this barren wasteland for too long.

steps

Ever have those days when it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back? I had my second interview today with the Public defenders office and it went really well. This is the job that I really wanted doing something that was really productive, beneficial and a career move. My only concern was in getting this job I felt bad about leaving the law firm, even though it really wasn't the job I wanted , I was currently looking for another firm, and I wanted to find something for more money and experience. Well the universe, God, whatever you choose took care of that for me today. The firm ran my drivers report. I didn't think any big deal because for the last 4 or so years I have taken off the lead boot, but they ran a complete record check. They said that they had to take into account my entire history because if ever something happened when I was out on a run for them the opposing lawyer would run a complete check so they had to as well. taking this info into account I was considered a liability and since I might have to drive for them occasionally they couldn't assume that liability. So basically they gave me a two weeks notice. That's a first. They said that I could use them as a reference and they wished it could be different and they didn't want me to be upset. I had just had a conversation with a friend that although this firm was a start it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt I could be doing something more. Here's my sign. I know to be careful about speaking things. Anyway Im going to talk with Harley and get more hours there until I can find another position that I really want or until this P.D. job comes into play. It is working in the juvenile division so Im sure it will be challenging and Im sure quite heartbreaking at times.
Just seems as though everytime I start to get going in the direction that I would like something comes along and presents difficulties. Im so tired of getting shot down. This past year really has sucked and I have gone through more metamorphosis then I would like. First ended a almost 6 year relationship, then moving, then changing jobs, health issues, school, another break up, and the continual self-reflection. O.K. Enough of the self pity what am I going to do about it? I am going to look at the fact that I have my health, my family and friends have their health, when a door closes a window is opened, and like everything there is a reason for everything and all I have to do is to try to do the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have realized something about myself, I am noticing some behaviors that I have started that I don't like. Don't really feel like getting into details (another blog day) but lets just say that it isn't the kind of person that I want to be so I know I have to take certain actions to not continue.
I just wish that I could get a burning bush, a crystal ball or something that would let me what Im supposed to be doing , where Im suppossed to be doing it, who Im to do it with, and how Im going to get there. I am just tired of wasting time. I feel as though the clock is ticking and I just want to get things right. Its this not knowing thing that drives me apeshit.
I went to a noon mass today. Dont worry to much not, Im not a Catholic, Im Episcapal. The first time in a long while, I really miss the spiritual aspect of my life. I find that when I am in touch with that my acceptance, patience and peace come alot easier. I dont think its because situations change it is my perception of them that change and Im not trying to control my surroundings. I even have started to read a book on Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths. I also started to read my books on Taoism again.

Angel and I

So I decided to follow suit and be a sheep for a change. Others are posting pics so I decided to take a risk and put some pics of myself up. That is me on the left taken in Amsterdam in June 2005. We were at the Heiney Experience. LOVE THAT BEER!! Not feeling any pain at that point. Did make it to many "coffee" shops but NO I didnt partake. I will admit going to a live sex show in the red light didtrict. I got pulled up on stage to assist a lady preformer. Thats a whole other blog.
This is in Copenhagen Denmark taken in August 2005. Anna is on the left Chris one of my ex's is 2nd to left , then me, Kirstin, Stine( we call her svine), and Batina (Bubber). A great bunch of girls I miss them especially Anna and Bubber. HOT!!! Anyway off topic.This is a new picture of me just taken today. When I look at these pics its as if Im looking at a totally different person. it is still a little strange when I look in a mirror and see this person looking back at me. My girls at Harley want me to bring in pictures of me from when I played rugby. They dont believe that I was once husky enough to be a prop. I saw an old professor and friend today he didnt recognize me. My friend Shelly and her girlfrend Crystal are calling me a girly girl. Just because when we were riding in the truck I saw a spider run across the dashboard I screamed and jumped behind Crystal yelling for her to kill it. I remember what the spiders did to Rick when he tried to save one so I wasnt going to take any chances!! I had her kill the bastard. Besides it was huge I think it was about 3 feet around! O.K. not that big but it was in a moving vechile with me and one of us was going and it wasnt going to be me. When we got back to Shelly's house she proceeded to pick me up and throw me over her shoulder like I was nothing. That is so odd. I used to be the one to do that to girls. They made me promise not to loose any more weight. I told them I still have meat on the bones just not a whole lot of fat. Im really not trying anymore. I figure my body will taper off when it wants. Im just going to keep eating healthy(YES I DO EAT!!) and doing what Im doing. I pretty much have setteled at about the weight I am now. As long as I feel and look good Im not worried. At the risk of sounding a little arrogant I know I look good. At least thats what I keep being told. Its nice to know that but its also really nice to hear from others.
This is Angel and I. She is a Harley Davidson 1200S. She is my baby. I was thinking about trading her in for something larger. I was looking at that Dyna custom but I cant anymore. I have hooked up with a couple of guys at work and they are going to help me fix her up even more. They have sporty's and agree that I shouldnt sell it, Besides I can just save up and get that Dyna without trading her in. Hows that for retail therapy? There is nothing wrong with having two Harleys. Also the one I want to get isnt going to be available until at least Feb. So that gives me plenty of time to save.

So Over It!!

I stopped by a local bar last night to say good bye to some friends that were moving out of town. As soon as I got there I ran into Mrs. Drama herself better known as grandma to some. I cant believe some people. I was polite and asked her if she had indeed told others that I had told her that I wanted her or was in love with her. She looked me straight in the eye and said no but she knew where that rumor came from. It came from S who told the girl Mrs Drama is dating and that's how she heard about it. Just 2 minutes before another girl Mrs. Drama was dating or had bben dating , who the fuck knows told me that Mrs. Drama told her that. I cant fucking believe it. First to lie to me then to try to tell me that S had started it. I am so over all this drama. One I never said anything like that, granted the day that I was drugged up on demoral I could have told her I loved her but I told everyone I talked to that day that I lived them and don't even remember talking to them. But never, never ever had I told her anything that could re,otely be construed to me wanting her or being in love with her. First and foremost since S I have not had wanted or been in love with anyone but S, second Mrs. Drama was dating a friend of mine and I would never do that to a friend.Third I had known Mrs. Drama fir about 20 years if I had wanted her it would have come up before now. I just left I was so disgusted. Then on my way out she tells me to call her. Ill call her alright I can think of lots of things to call her. I hate that this community is so small. I hate that people have to be so petty and small.
Anyways on a brighter note my friends from CA are in town, they arrived today and we met out for dinner. It was so great seeing them. Again they both offered for me to move out there with them. It was brought up not once but 3 times before dinner was over. I have to ponder it a little more but I think I see a move in the future for me. I know that you cant run from yourself but I gotta get out of here. I just want to be away from all this crap. I know that no matter where you go you have issues but at least a move would give me a fresh start. Im just tired of bullshit. Im tired of being lied to, of looking over my shoulder, and worrying when I go out if Im going to run into her and whoever she is dating now because there are really only two bars to go to. Im tired of being involved in such a small scene that everyone has to know your business and has to meddle in it. I have been out and about in this town for about 20 years. Its time to move on to something new. Thinking about all this crap makes me want to vomit. New job, new society, possibly a new relationship, just a new beginning. There is really nothing keeping me here. I can take my car, my dog, my bike so Im good.I can finish up school and look for a job out there. There is also a law school not far from their house. I have picked up and moved across the ocean so going to CA isn't that far. They are here for about 10 days so there is plenty of time to talk about it.