just had to open my eyes to see what was right in front of me all along

Its amazing how things can change in an instant. Her name is Kasi. I've known her for 12 years and she just recently came back into my life. My dear friend Drake had her come down to help out getting his house ready to sell. I got the phone call last Sat. that she was here and I went right over. As soon as I saw her I knew I was in trouble but when I hugged her I knew I didn't ever want to let her go. As I have said before timing is everything and timing has never been right with us. It really isn't the perfect timing now but its doable. Things have moved so quick but I am sure of what I want. I just needed to remove some of the distractions from my life in order to get here. I couldn't see the forest through the trees.
We are talking about a time line as to when I can move up there and what I am going to do. Right now I have a few life choices. I will probably be starting the officers academy soon and I will have to give a two year commitment to that but I have it figured out how I can spend at least 3 to 4 days a week there with her. Her moving down here isn't an option due. The girls cant be displaced and I don't want them to be.
Its amazing to me the amount of responsibility that is now facing me. More than I have every faced. Not only am I living for myself but for three others and planning on another soon. I have made the decision to go from keg stands, titty bars and being a "player" to trading it in for a suburban life. I am so o.k. with that. I had made that decision before Kasi came back into my life I just hadn't found the right person to do it with. Needless to say Im holding off on that crotch rocket and putting my focus on getting my life arranged so I can move up there to be with her and the girls. Im so not scared about any of this. I dont have the slightest bit of worry that she is going to hurt me, that this isnt going to work out or that I am going to move 3 states away. I know it is going to work out. Just lookng into her eyes takes my breath away, just touching her make my heart skip a beat. She is intelligent, beautiful, adventures, funny, giving, honest and she puts the bee in my bonet.
When I tell my friends about her I tell them that this is the woman that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. A few have said how happy they are for me but a few close friends have asked " do you know what your getting into? You know you'll have to grow up?" What the fuck! Its not like I picked her up in the bar last night and just found out her last name. This isnt a typical Lesbian U-Haul thing. I knew I loved her 12 years ago but I had growing up to do. I had to rid myself of the distractions and had to be ready to be able to see her. They ask her the same questions. "Do you know what your getting into with hoops? She is Peter Pan that wont grow up. She even had someone tell her that I could never be happy if I was removed from the limelight of O-Town." Once again what the fuck. Are we that young, blind and stupid to not know what we want or what we are looking at? I appreciate the effort but stop trying to tell me what make me happy. Just be happy that we have finally found each other. Dont try to put doubt, worry or fear somewhere it isnt.

QUICKIE

Graveyard shift SUCKS!!! I said I would take this shift for a week so that the people that regularly work it can study for the bar. What was I thinking? I come in at midnight and work until 0800. There are some interesting people coming in at this time but it is cutting into my Sunday night out. My buddy Bink and I have a new Sunday night event. we go up to a local strip bar and hang out. It is hospitality night and drinks are half off. Of course we only go for the cheap drinks. :) We now have a Sunday night table reserved for us. It is a great time, cold drinks, hot women and good company.

Lauren is home in Boston and I don't know what to do with myself. Its a good thing I'm working nights and sleeping during the day because when she is here I'm either hanging with her or talking to her on the phone. While she has been home she decided to move back to Boston. That really sucks!! My riding, titty bar wake up caller, good night caller buddy is going to be leaving. there isn't a date yet but probably next month or in Sept.

Here's a huge news flash: I was looking at the Suzuki Hayabusa.

I know its a crotch rocket. Actually the fastest rice burner on the market. I have a friend that has one and she is going to let me take hers out to see if I really want one or not. I went and spoke with a dealer the other day and filled out the application for financing just in case. I think I'm going to get it. NO I'm not getting rid of the Harley!! Just have a need for speed that the Harley isn't filling. I don't want to do wheelies down the highway I just want to go fast that and it lokks TIGHT. I'm taking her bike out in the next few days so Ill know then for sure.

So its fourth of July and Im sitting at work being quite bored which is unusual and who do I get a text from but freak out lady. It reads party at the house are you coming? At this point im not sure of who it is from since I erased all numbers from my phone book and havent given her a second thought since that Sunday evening. When I realize who it is from I text back saying are you sure you meant to send me this invite. The reply was a simple yes so I called to see what was beneath this out of nowhere text. It was a polite converstion that ended with me saying I would stop by after work but I wanted to talk to her about what had happened. She was in agreement so I went over after work. Bizarre very Bizarre. I am absolutely amazed how distorted her perception of events were. She said she was so upset about that sunday night because I left her to fend for herself from a girl that is pursuing her. Thats funny because all the texts she sent that night had to do with me leaving with a girl. Then she said that people would ask her why I was behaving the way I was and that she didnt think I was behaving the way one should if they wanted a relationship. HELLO! Has anyone been listening? I told her I would agree to that because I DIDNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!!! Then she would tell me how all her friends said that we were a perfect couple, how nice I was, and how good we were together. Now it is that everyone who according to her always said that I ws a bad for her and that she tried to end it a long time ago. Whatever!!Then the name calling started that I was a player and that she wasnt looking to be with a player. Is anyone home ? Is she even listening to me then or before? I asked her to describe a player. She said it was someone who went from one person to another, not setteling down, always looking for the next person. O.K Ill give in to that but I consider that casual dating or just sleeping around. Yes Ive been a little slut puppy but so what? I have not lied to anyone, led anyone on thinking I want something more. I told her that when I settle down, and I know I will eventually, I want it to be with someone that when I hear a love song on the radio I think of them, when I get a text message from them I get butterflies in the stomach, someone I have a passion for, the thought of their touch gives me goosebumps and makes me smile and I havent found that yet. I wasnt setteling down with her because I didnt feel that with her thats why I was behaving like I was. DUHH Then it finished up with her telling me that she had found someone and that she hoped that I too can find someone special like she has. I now know what talking to a wall is like. I dont want a relatioship right now. I am so focused on my life right now I dont have time for a partner. It will happen without me looking for one and in its own time but in the meantime I work 3 jobs and will be starting the Correction Officer Academy next month. Not to mention time on the bike and sleep time. Did someone say sleep? What is that? LOL Anywho the numbers are still deleated and I hope that the next girl she dates has better luck with the personalities (nickname for her is Sybill) than I did.

O.K. the shopping cart story. (One word of warning this was much more funny when it occurred so it might be one of those things of you having to be there.) One night Lauren and I were on a late night ride and discovered a shopping cart in the road. Doing our civil obligation we decided to remove it from the flow of traffic. To put a spin on it and add some fun it had to be moved without her getting off the bike. The thought was there but the technical possibilities of the cart just weren't all they needed to be in order to complete our task. Lauren tried to hold on to the cart and pull it behind us but that only worked for a few feet then the wheels started to spin out of control and it would crash into the side of the road. After a few failed attempts we decided to scratch the mission until a later time when we could ponder the issue better. Well the opportunity arouse when we were coming home from karaoke that Tuesday night. Its amazing what insight a few beers can lend to a perplexing situation like towing a shopping cart. While driving home we passed a Publix (a local grocery) that didn't take a few carts in. SCORE!! Our chance to redeem ourselves. After retrieving a cart and closely examining the situation we figured out if she sat backwards on the bike, tipped the cart on the back wheels(to eliminate spinning) that this would work. What do you know!! it worked we drove all around that plaza to to test the situation in different elements. After a few minutes we got bored of our conquest(worrying the police were going to arrive) and figured we needed to contemplate our next adventure. I was going to drive home with her sitting backwards on the bike but I figured we had better check the law books to make sure that we wouldn't be breaking a law. I don't think there is a law saying the passenger has to be facing forwards on a motorcycle but I would really hate to pay my work a visit form the other side.

HAY THERE HI THERE HO THERE!!

So it seems as its been forever since I have written and it has. So much to catch up on. Since last blog I applied to law schools but alas I procrastinated too long and I missed the cutoff. True to the saying that everything happens for a reason it turns out one of the schools I applied to might not be losing its ABA approval so its a good thing that I waited. LOL
Anyway working at another Harley dealership and having a blast. Job at the PD's is going great but very busy. Working down at the jail is rewarding,incredibly tear jerking, and frustrating all rolled up together. It is a great place to start but I don't see myself making a career out of this. One of the officers at the jail is sponsoring me for the academy so i figured I would give that side of the judicial system a try and see what happens. I have another year left before I can apply to law school again so I figured why not. Another door is opening so lets see where it leads.
Love life is another thing altogether. I'm still single and very happy to be this way. I was dating a lady for a month or so but she had this incredibly bad habit of talking out of both sides of her mouth. One story would be she wanted to take things slow and easy and then the next thing would be she didn't see the relationship being where it is supposed to be. WHAT?? I would tell her how I wanted things to be easy and that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I wanted to see where things would go and let things happen in their own time but that wasn't possible for her. She is used to getting what she wants when she wants it but I'm not one of those things.I kept saying that I didn't come with any past girlfriend issues and that when I settled down I was able to give that relationship 100% of me. I didn't come with trust issues, insecurity issues or hang ups. Of course I still have things to work on, we all do and will to the day we die but I wasn't going to bring any of these into a relationship. I was in a emotional position to not let my past ruin my future. That not what i got from her. Holy shit!! The insecurity issues, the mistrust and just plain psycho behavior. Needless to say it ended pretty badly and unfortunately I think i lost what was a friend but that is by her choice. It started once a week I would get the talk that went something like this" I cant do this anymore , you are too close I don't want to get hurt and I'm ready to settle down. we are in two different places." Then every couple of days I would get the talk. I told her that I would not commit myself to a relationship that was unstable, and emotionally unsafe. I would not knowingly put myself into a potentially damaging situation. The situation came to a head when we went out to a bar, I took the motorcycle and she drove her car with some friends. After being at the bar for a bit I ran into a old friend after talking to him he introduced me to a friend of his. She said she like to ride so I took her for a quick ride on the bike. I didn't tell her I was leaving for a few but I did tell a friend that i would be back in a few. When I got back she went apeshit. Screaming at me saying to never call her again, and the nerve of me to leave with that girl. That my ego needs to feed. I admit having a Harley is great for the ego. That one of the perks of having one. DUHH!!! Anywho I get accused of arranging to meet this girl there and I had that ride planned out, etc etc etc.. One of the last things she texted me (because I hung up on her phone call) was "was that ride worth it?" If I would have answered her back the answer would have been HELL YES!! The girls name I went riding with is Lauren. I didn't find that out until later. Anyway we exchanged numbers and have been hanging out everyday since we met. I get out of work at 1230A.M and she meets me at my house and we go riding until usually 3 or 4 in the A.M. We are just hanging out chillin. She is from Boston and I crack up every time we talk. The other night we went to Karaoke, got a good buzz going, sang all night then rode home. The singing:horrible but fun, the drinking: cold beer and relaxing, the ride home: a blast! We have this shopping cart thing going on that Ill explain later but we have such a good time together. Anyway I found an awesome friend out of all that crap so yes it was worth it.

Where To Begin

The worst thing about not posting for such a long time is trying to figure out where to start to get caught up. Well lets see... I guess I should start form the new job. I got a transfer over to a different part of our office. I no longer work with the Juv. I now work at our local jail in the Booking and Receiving canter. My job consists of greeting the newest guests and making sire that they are going to be represented either by themselves, a private attorney, or a public defender. I then interview them and prepare an interview sheet for the attorneys so when they arrive at for their initial appearance the attorney has some knowledge of the situation. I also inform the inmates about the proceedings that are upcoming and get the court list ready. I LOVE IT!!! There are many occasions that I have to go upstairs into the holding cells to get a interview with someone that was missed. I don't have any fear about doing that at all. The C/O's think I am crazy but I see it as that the inmates aren't upset at me I am there to help them it is the C/O's if anyone that the inmates aren't thrilled with. I work prostitute hours or at least that's what Mother Rick call them. I go in at 1830 and generally leave around 0300 Monday through Friday. I still have my job at Harley but it has just calmed down. Bike week was a mad house. I put in 80 hours that week between the two jobs. I also help a friend at her law firm so I can put it on the law school applications. YES I FINALLY DID APPLY TO LAW SCHOOL. This week I sent the applications in and I am rounding up the letters of recommendation to send in Monday. I finally gave myself the kick in the rear that I needed.
There was a bachelorette auction that I volunteered for. It was to benefit the GLBTC. The date I put up was the highest date that was sold. A lady paid 220.00 for a date with me. The bonus with that was that she was hot as well. SCORE!!! We had a really good time but her schedule is as busy as mine and I am not looking for any relationships right now so we are just chilling as friends when time allows.
I got my bike all fixed up almost the way I want it. I got the new pipes on and the new handlebars and risers. The lower shocks are still tight. Angel looks HOT!! She is faster, louder and each week I add something different to her. I decided to not get a new bike. Going on the belief I will be starting law school in the fall I don't need any more expenses. I am going to wait until I graduate, pass the bar and get my first check. Then it can be a reward to myself.
Anyway things are slowing down some so I wont be away as long this time. This semester is almost over and Ill be finding out in a month or so I need to enroll again at the community college for my paralegal classes or getting ready to start my first year at law school.

Follow the leader

When are you supposed to stop following your heart and listen to your mind.?How do you know if what you are listening to is your heart speaking the truth or if you are just making yourself believe something because its not what the heart wants to hear?Do you follow your heart when your brain is telling you otherwise? If not, how do you know when not to? Im searching desperately for a balance. Im sitting in civil lit class and it is so basic im bored out of my mind so I have plenty of time to let my mind wander. I've participated but he wont call on me anymore so my mind can wander. Anyway back to discussion at hand. I think maybe it just goes back to not living with any regrets or wondering what if.

Fortune cookie wishes

Reading over P.T's blog and seeing the fortune cookie I remembered the fortune cookie I got while I was out to dinner with a friend the other night, It said your most desired dream would come true. Now given that I actually believe it to happen just because it says so in a fortune cookie put aside now is the dilemma of deciding what my most desired dream is and why I have to narrow it down to my most desired dream not dreams. Anywho I had to think about it for awhile and I really cant narrow it down that's why I don't do so well making wishes on birthday cakes, throwing pennies into wells or breaking apart wish bones. There is always the korney beauty pageant wish for peace on earth but every beauty contestant wishes for that so why waste my wish there. I thought about wishing to be back with my ex but maybe that would be just my wish not hers so why be somewhere that Im not wanted and maybe that's not where Im supposed to be, I thought about wishing for the admission into law school for the fall but then came the thought of wishing for a healthy child. I then thought about wishing for the ability to be able to understand my faults and issues so I would be able to resolve them so I don't have to repeat them. I decided that my wish would be to put one foot in front of the other, not to cause harm to others, to try to help when I can, and to live each day with no regrets. I think that would pretty much cover everything without having to choose one wish.

direction

Started Sat. night when I came over to sit for Mother Rick. Rosies family cruise was on and what a tear jerker. Watching all those families it was so touching. My clock seems to be ticking anyway but compounded with that show . OH MY GOD!! I turned it off halfway through I just couldnt watch it anymore. I ended up just going to bed.
Sunday morning I didnt have to be at work until 100 so I decided I to go to mass. Right after communion I went back and started to pray. Just asking God to show me what direction I am going in, and to give me the wisdom to be on that track and the strength to carry on. I know that there is a purpose and there is a plan I just really needed to have a sign shown to me. To give me some indication and relief.Now Im not much of a bible thumper by any means but I know I have to start filling my life up something other than what I have been feeling. I want my life to take a direction and I feel so ready for it to get moving yet at the same time I still feel as if I need a direction to take it. Some people say that relegion is for the weak. I can understand that because I feel weak right now. I have tried eveything that I know to deal with issues in my life and I cant do it. Maybe Im trying to push the river. My mind, body and spirit need relief. I cant let go, I dont want to. o.k. I sense a ramble coming on... I dont want to let go becaue I told myself that the last relationship was going to be the last, that I didnt ever want to go through a break up again, I didnt want to deal with the hurt. I guess in my mind Im sticking to it, if I dont let go I dont have to deal with it. Forget the ramble Ill save it for later no energy for that. back to the scheduled blog...There are so many options. After church I went back to Mother Ricks for breakfast and we started talking about the t.v show and the mass. We both started bawling in the kitchen. There are some things that I want and I have become aware that time is running out. Uncle Mike told me to come read the sports page and Mother Rick just handed me a tissue.

Poster Child

I made it through the holiday season and now it is finally time to get a little me time. There is a lot of things going on and so many different things happening. To start out with a couple of days before New Years I got a phone call from an old dear friend, Lani. She said she was getting a bunch of the ladies together from the old women's group and wanted me to come. I hadn't made a decision what I was doing so I asked her what made this come to be. She said she missed me in her life and that she had recently come to realize how precious life is and that she wanted the people she cared most for in her life around her and I was one of those people. I told her to go on because it felt as if there was something more there. It turns out that she has lesions on her heart that they cant stop growing, and eventually will be terminal. After hearing that of course I said I would be there. It was a great evening. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. I got my cards read and eveything Chris told me was so accurate it was frightening. I think it was so scary because I knew eveything she was saying but I didn't want to look at a lot of it. The ladies are planning a bachelorette auction to benefit the center and convinced me to enter. I had done one for them a long time ago and they convinced me to do this one. they wanted to take some pictures to make some posters so I went home got the bike and leathers and we took some pictures. So not only am I in the auction but they are using me as the poster child for the fliers. Im just glad that I never had the desire to run for public office. So far my package includes a ride, dinner, a possible room at the embassy suites for coffee, wine and cheese cake and Im not sure what else. I have some back up coming in case there is someone bidding on me that I don't want to have buy me. They are expecting between 50 - 100 women at the auction so it should be a blast. Not to mention it is for a good cause.
Im think I might be moving at the end of this month. It is not for sure yet but Im going to talk to the owner tomorrow so it looks real good. I have a tattoo artist designing the phoenix tattoo that I want. I started working out again, and health wise I feel better than I have in a very long time. I feel like I am rediscovering me. This years theme is " all about me" its all about me. Life is too precious to not surround myself with those I care about and to not get out of life what I want.

Manatees

Been having weird dreams recently. The other night I dreamt I was riding my bike down a gravel road. It was the old road that used to lead to a beach I go to. I love to go there because I always see alligators hanging out on the side. The only gators I like other than on my dinner plate. Anywhos I love to watch out for them and always get a kick when I see one. But back to my dream.. I was driving down this gravel road and there were a lot of alligators out. Most of them I could only see the top of their noses but there were a few that were all the way out of the water. I remember smiling as I was going by and thinking that this wouldn't be a good place to go swimming. As I drove I ended up at Blue Springs. When I was a kid we would go to there to see the manatees. Well that's were I ended up walking along the run looking for manatees. I started calling for them and they started to appear. I found some lettuce and started to feed them. There were even baby manatees. I remember feeling so happy feeding and talking to them. I could see one gator off in the background but it didn't want to come near and I remember thinking how glad I was that the manatees were not in any danger. I was so happy in the dream. I had been wanting to go see them this season but I hadn't had the time but I think this Sat. I am going to take a ride down there to see them. I get out of work about 200 so I believe its time for a ride.

Almost Over

Now for the best part of the holiday... being over. I have never been one for the holidays and for the past couple of years that has been no exception. Especially this year my holiday spirit has been next to none. I am simply counting down to when all this fuss will be over. Now only a couple of days until Jan. 2nd. I put New Years in pretty much the same placement as X-mas and that is overrated and over celebrated . This is the second year in the row that Ill will spend these holidays in the states which makes it worse. Well almost finished with this season. I think I just have itchy feet.
I have some friends that are going to Amsterdam and Paris in late March or April and want me to go with them as a tour guide. I think I can work out getting at least 5 days off from work so Im thinking seriously about it. It shouldnt be a problem now that I have decided to hold off on a new Harley. I have put the plans for a new Harley on hold until I can pay off the credit cards I have and finished my school (either law or other). I figure the Harley can be my reward. Also I have a pefectly good Harley that is geting even better, not to mention paid for, so I can put off getting a new one and do some other things that are important to me as well. Yes Peter Pan has grown up.
Rick is moving at the end of Feb. Its only 45 min. away but Im not sure what Im going to do without him. He has been so incredible recently but I have found a substitute while he is away. Laurie. she is a friend that works with me at Harley. I tell her she is better than a mom, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc all rolled into one. I get 2 kids that arent mine but I can enjoy, a husband that will take care of her for me, she and I go shopping together, she buys me things, we have dinner together,she brings me luch at work, she listens me, all the perks minus the responsibilities and crap and of course minus the sex. She then can live vicariuosly through me and hear about all my adventures. Its a perfect match. LOL I spent a good part of X-mas day with her, her 2 kids , husband, brother and sister inlaw and their 3 kids. I had a great time I really love spending time with their girls Ava and Caidence. Caidence feel asleep with he head in my lap with her arm wrapped around me to make sure I wouldnt leave and of course since she was there her sister had to sit on me as well. I believe thery are 7 and 4. Bill her husband is great too, Lauir says we are kindered spirits, we even use the same dorky phrases such as cool beans, 6 of one half dozen of another things like that. Mother Rick wont be replaced but at least he can leave knowing that I am well taken care of.

lightbulbs

Ever have one of those moments of clarity when eveything seems to be actually following some sort of logical pattern that can actually be undestood by you? When the light bulb goes off and a big AHHA follows. Today I had one of those moments of clarity. I got my LSAT scores back last night and they are good enough to get into two of the law schools that i am going to apply. I talked with the public defender today and he said he would write one of my refrence letters. (actually he told me to write it and he would sign it) it just seems like i have found my path. Eveything is falling into place for me. I love my jobs (all 3 of them) but especially the one at the P.D's office and they will even pay for some of my schooling. There isnt any doubt in my mind that this is where I need to be. Except today an attorney told me they were going to transfer to the State because I was to Republican to be on their side. I think the comment fry them all and let God sort them out might have given her that idea. HAHA I just wanted to see Marks head turn red.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.

Dream escape

So I had a bizarre night.. Something happened that I have never had happen to me before. I was having a dream about her. That's nothing new but what happened is. This dream was one of those that seemed so real. I remember I could feel her, smell her and feel the passion when we were kissing. Now comes the never before part... I remember snapping myself out of the dream. Now this was a dream that normally I wouldn't want to snap out of if you know what I mean, but I remember saying out loud this is only a dream and it has to stop. Its time to get on with things, she isn't coming back, she doesn't want to come back, and it is time I moved on so snap out of it. I then woke myself up. I was able to go right back to sleep then I dreamed about work. Sitting at the table with some of the attorneys talking about my LSAT scores. How well I did on them, how I was going to go to Barry and become one of them. Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up. I feel very rested today and Im off to work for another day. Still love the job.

humbug

Finally done with finals. Thank You Jesus!!! now I can semi-relax until the 8th of Jan. Only thing on the agenda is work, riding and whatever happens to come my way in the way of adventure. After the holidays I've told Harley I would like at least one weekend off a month. I want and need a little time to enjoy myself. They said it wouldn't be a problem so Im happy about that.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.

yo-yo

One final done two to go. I havent had much time to come and write and I miss it. I have been so busy that I havent had a chance to do much of anything which is a good thing. My body is telling me I need to slow down a little but Im concerned that by slowing down my feelings will catch up to me. It has occured to me that all I have been doing is running, granted it has been to positive things but I have yet to face some issues. A while back the slowing and just letting the feelings be stopped working, I got tired of just letting them be so I started running. I tried letting go but letting go was so much easier when I wasnt thinking of them. those pesty little emotions have a way of creeping back in even when you dont want them to. I dont know how to just stop feeling this sadness. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried talking about it, I tried letting go and giving it to God, Ive tried old behaviors, Ive tried faking it til I make it and nothing works. Maybe Im not supposed to get over it. All I know is that I feel a void inside and no mattter how much I do for myself it isnt being filled. There have been days that I constantly ask God to take it away, to remove the ache and it comes right back. I know it isnt for me to ask why but... why doesnt it go away. Why cant I just heal. I dont want to be broken. Why the fuck am I still rambleling on about this? I feel like a giant yo-yo, back and forth.

work

I used to have a friend that said she wished I had a job that took so much out of me that I would be able to feel how exhausted she was at the end of the day. I don't understand why she would wish such a thing but she has gotten her wish. Im lying in bed going to passout after this is written. A friend wants me to go out with her and her girlfriend and I tried to explain that I just needed sleep. she didn't get it. I am absolutely exhausted. Every bit of energy goes into what I need to get accomplished during the day. Any extra energy goes to functioning. a consolation is that even though I am exhausted I feel like I accomplished something and it was a full day but a good day.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.

LSAT - Long Shitty Ass Test

Friday night I was so relaxed about that damned test. A friend of mine, T, Called and told me to come over and she would cook me dinner while I studied on the sofa and tried to relax. She made an incredible dinner but I didn't get a whole lot of studying done. I was so tired that the words were running together so I just vegged on and went home early to get a good nights sleep. Then I had a friend call and ask me to play rugby with them on Sat. morning. I think the beating i would have taken on the pitch wouod have ben prefered to the beting I got in that room. LOL They were playing in the Florida Cup and need an extr player. I havent played in a couple of years and I am in no shape to play 2 40 min. halfs in a match and play as a prop. Right now I weigh about what one of those girls left leg weighs!! It would have killed me( but I would have loved every monute of it) Getting to hit, tackle, the scruming and rucking!!!! sounds like a porno. Ruck til you scrum!! lol sorry off on a tangent. anyways I obviously told her i couldnt but maybe next time.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.

New Job Update

Fifth day on the job and I still love it. I have figured one thing out, and that is that even though I love what Im doing it isn't going to be enough for me. Im looking forward to the LSAT so I can start to apply to law schools. Im not nervous at all about the taking it because I feel like that is the direction that I am going to go. I have to wonder a little bit why it took me so long to get on this path. The reason I can figure is that I was so worried I would fail or not be able to. I cant believe now that I could have doubted myself that much. I have one person to thank for the push that I needed to get my butt in gear. The motivation to start following my passion. Thank you. For the first time I feel like I have a job that is more than just a paycheck or just a job. I actually feel a sense of pride when I tell people where I work. Even though I think my opinions would fit in better working for the States Attorneys ( I say fry them all and let God sort them out) . I am helping uphold their constitutional rights and that is important to me especially since we seem to have a President bound and determined to bastardize/abuse the Constitution. Don't get me started!! LOL
I find myself at work shaking my head a lot of the times, wondering how these kids can get into so much trouble and wondering where the hell the parents are and what are they doing. Every day I open about 25 new cases and we open more than we close. I find myself looking for my friends students. Sorry guys but next year doesn't look so great for you either.
My life is so busy right now but it is a good thing. Im taking care of what I need to do. After this month I can slow down a little so only 31 more days to go. Finals are next week and both jobs are busy. A friend works for a catering company and he got me working with him for the holidays so I have a couple of weddings and X-Mas parties to help with. That will help get that down payment on the new Harley. Angel wants a sister. LOL
Anyway good night all, I have a long day tomorrow of work and then last minute studying so I need to get to bed. Now that Im a working girl it is past my bedtime. LOL

Long time

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I have been so busy not sure where to start. To start off I got a phone call from the P.D's office and I started work today. Im going to be working as a legal sec. to about 4 different attorneys in the juvenile division. I absolutely love it. It is really great when you can see the reason for things that happen in your life. When I got laid off from the private attorneys office I had no idea I would be getting this. This is what I really wanted and it appears that this is the reason I lost the other job.
Over the holidays I had a pretty big revelation. I saw my grandmother and she didn't recognize me. She had a clue she knew who I was but she couldn't quite place me. After this I went outside and God and I had a little talk. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore . Meaning that I am so tired of trying to be in control, having to figure everything out, basically putting my hands into the works. I told him that I was ready to give up control to put my faith back into him and that everything that is happening is for a purpose and it isn't for my understanding. I told him that between my grandmother, my career, S, school, my plans for my future, I found out the guy that I was planning on having kids with has gotten back into drugs and isn't planning on sticking to our agreement, that everything was too much. After this I felt sense of peace that I didn't have the responsibility for things. Not meaning that I wasn't taking an active part but that I just didn't have to be in the drivers seat anymore. I constantly have to give him things because old habits are hard to break but It is getting less and less. I just have faith that everyting is as it should be even if I don't understand them. Im also finding that my change in attitude is changing how I act and react to things. I am tird of trying to be angry. Anger takes to much energy and that is not me. My attitude now is I just want to be. Accept whatever comes my way as just something that is. I have been so blessed by my family, friends and the life that I have. Not to mention my motorcycle. She has new shocks that I am putting on and she is getting new pipes. Thunderheaders!!! Those are the shit!!! LOUDER and FASTER!!! will give me more horsepower!! That's all the excitement I need!! Went out for a long ride last night the longest since April. Had such a great time. Just riding and really not thinking or analyzing anything. Went out by some lakes where it was so quiet. God it was nice!! Living in the moment. I think that's the key. Just enjoying what is when it is. Such a simple concept yet so difficult when Im trying to control things, trying to get them to turn out how I want them.
Finals are coming up, LSAT is on sat. working 2 jobs and trying to have a social life shit no wonder I havent been here in a while. But life is good and Im not waiting for the bomb to drop Im just taking things as they come. No expectations, just living in the moment.