THE PHOENIX AND DRAGON

just had to open my eyes to see what was right in front of me all along

2007-07-29T10:28:00.000-04:00

Its amazing how things can change in an instant. Her name is Kasi. I've known her for 12 years and she just recently came back into my life. My dear friend Drake had her come down to help out getting his house ready to sell. I got the phone call last Sat. that she was here and I went right over. As soon as I saw her I knew I was in trouble but when I hugged her I knew I didn't ever want to let her go. As I have said before timing is everything and timing has never been right with us. It really isn't the perfect timing now but its doable. Things have moved so quick but I am sure of what I want. I just needed to remove some of the distractions from my life in order to get here. I couldn't see the forest through the trees.
We are talking about a time line as to when I can move up there and what I am going to do. Right now I have a few life choices. I will probably be starting the officers academy soon and I will have to give a two year commitment to that but I have it figured out how I can spend at least 3 to 4 days a week there with her. Her moving down here isn't an option due. The girls cant be displaced and I don't want them to be.
Its amazing to me the amount of responsibility that is now facing me. More than I have every faced. Not only am I living for myself but for three others and planning on another soon. I have made the decision to go from keg stands, titty bars and being a "player" to trading it in for a suburban life. I am so o.k. with that. I had made that decision before Kasi came back into my life I just hadn't found the right person to do it with. Needless to say Im holding off on that crotch rocket and putting my focus on getting my life arranged so I can move up there to be with her and the girls. Im so not scared about any of this. I dont have the slightest bit of worry that she is going to hurt me, that this isnt going to work out or that I am going to move 3 states away. I know it is going to work out. Just lookng into her eyes takes my breath away, just touching her make my heart skip a beat. She is intelligent, beautiful, adventures, funny, giving, honest and she puts the bee in my bonet.
When I tell my friends about her I tell them that this is the woman that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. A few have said how happy they are for me but a few close friends have asked " do you know what your getting into? You know you'll have to grow up?" What the fuck! Its not like I picked her up in the bar last night and just found out her last name. This isnt a typical Lesbian U-Haul thing. I knew I loved her 12 years ago but I had growing up to do. I had to rid myself of the distractions and had to be ready to be able to see her. They ask her the same questions. "Do you know what your getting into with hoops? She is Peter Pan that wont grow up. She even had someone tell her that I could never be happy if I was removed from the limelight of O-Town." Once again what the fuck. Are we that young, blind and stupid to not know what we want or what we are looking at? I appreciate the effort but stop trying to tell me what make me happy. Just be happy that we have finally found each other. Dont try to put doubt, worry or fear somewhere it isnt.

QUICKIE

2007-07-18T03:12:00.000-04:00

Graveyard shift SUCKS!!! I said I would take this shift for a week so that the people that regularly work it can study for the bar. What was I thinking? I come in at midnight and work until 0800. There are some interesting people coming in at this time but it is cutting into my Sunday night out. My buddy Bink and I have a new Sunday night event. we go up to a local strip bar and hang out. It is hospitality night and drinks are half off. Of course we only go for the cheap drinks. :) We now have a Sunday night table reserved for us. It is a great time, cold drinks, hot women and good company.

Lauren is home in Boston and I don't know what to do with myself. Its a good thing I'm working nights and sleeping during the day because when she is here I'm either hanging with her or talking to her on the phone. While she has been home she decided to move back to Boston. That really sucks!! My riding, titty bar wake up caller, good night caller buddy is going to be leaving. there isn't a date yet but probably next month or in Sept.

Here's a huge news flash: I was looking at the Suzuki Hayabusa.

I know its a crotch rocket. Actually the fastest rice burner on the market. I have a friend that has one and she is going to let me take hers out to see if I really want one or not. I went and spoke with a dealer the other day and filled out the application for financing just in case. I think I'm going to get it. NO I'm not getting rid of the Harley!! Just have a need for speed that the Harley isn't filling. I don't want to do wheelies down the highway I just want to go fast that and it lokks TIGHT. I'm taking her bike out in the next few days so Ill know then for sure.

2007-07-07T16:14:00.000-04:00

So its fourth of July and Im sitting at work being quite bored which is unusual and who do I get a text from but freak out lady. It reads party at the house are you coming? At this point im not sure of who it is from since I erased all numbers from my phone book and havent given her a second thought since that Sunday evening. When I realize who it is from I text back saying are you sure you meant to send me this invite. The reply was a simple yes so I called to see what was beneath this out of nowhere text. It was a polite converstion that ended with me saying I would stop by after work but I wanted to talk to her about what had happened. She was in agreement so I went over after work. Bizarre very Bizarre. I am absolutely amazed how distorted her perception of events were. She said she was so upset about that sunday night because I left her to fend for herself from a girl that is pursuing her. Thats funny because all the texts she sent that night had to do with me leaving with a girl. Then she said that people would ask her why I was behaving the way I was and that she didnt think I was behaving the way one should if they wanted a relationship. HELLO! Has anyone been listening? I told her I would agree to that because I DIDNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!!! Then she would tell me how all her friends said that we were a perfect couple, how nice I was, and how good we were together. Now it is that everyone who according to her always said that I ws a bad for her and that she tried to end it a long time ago. Whatever!!Then the name calling started that I was a player and that she wasnt looking to be with a player. Is anyone home ? Is she even listening to me then or before? I asked her to describe a player. She said it was someone who went from one person to another, not setteling down, always looking for the next person. O.K Ill give in to that but I consider that casual dating or just sleeping around. Yes Ive been a little slut puppy but so what? I have not lied to anyone, led anyone on thinking I want something more. I told her that when I settle down, and I know I will eventually, I want it to be with someone that when I hear a love song on the radio I think of them, when I get a text message from them I get butterflies in the stomach, someone I have a passion for, the thought of their touch gives me goosebumps and makes me smile and I havent found that yet. I wasnt setteling down with her because I didnt feel that with her thats why I was behaving like I was. DUHH Then it finished up with her telling me that she had found someone and that she hoped that I too can find someone special like she has. I now know what talking to a wall is like. I dont want a relatioship right now. I am so focused on my life right now I dont have time for a partner. It will happen without me looking for one and in its own time but in the meantime I work 3 jobs and will be starting the Correction Officer Academy next month. Not to mention time on the bike and sleep time. Did someone say sleep? What is that? LOL Anywho the numbers are still deleated and I hope that the next girl she dates has better luck with the personalities (nickname for her is Sybill) than I did.

2007-07-07T14:24:00.000-04:00

O.K. the shopping cart story. (One word of warning this was much more funny when it occurred so it might be one of those things of you having to be there.) One night Lauren and I were on a late night ride and discovered a shopping cart in the road. Doing our civil obligation we decided to remove it from the flow of traffic. To put a spin on it and add some fun it had to be moved without her getting off the bike. The thought was there but the technical possibilities of the cart just weren't all they needed to be in order to complete our task. Lauren tried to hold on to the cart and pull it behind us but that only worked for a few feet then the wheels started to spin out of control and it would crash into the side of the road. After a few failed attempts we decided to scratch the mission until a later time when we could ponder the issue better. Well the opportunity arouse when we were coming home from karaoke that Tuesday night. Its amazing what insight a few beers can lend to a perplexing situation like towing a shopping cart. While driving home we passed a Publix (a local grocery) that didn't take a few carts in. SCORE!! Our chance to redeem ourselves. After retrieving a cart and closely examining the situation we figured out if she sat backwards on the bike, tipped the cart on the back wheels(to eliminate spinning) that this would work. What do you know!! it worked we drove all around that plaza to to test the situation in different elements. After a few minutes we got bored of our conquest(worrying the police were going to arrive) and figured we needed to contemplate our next adventure. I was going to drive home with her sitting backwards on the bike but I figured we had better check the law books to make sure that we wouldn't be breaking a law. I don't think there is a law saying the passenger has to be facing forwards on a motorcycle but I would really hate to pay my work a visit form the other side.

HAY THERE HI THERE HO THERE!!

2007-07-01T13:19:00.001-04:00

So it seems as its been forever since I have written and it has. So much to catch up on. Since last blog I applied to law schools but alas I procrastinated too long and I missed the cutoff. True to the saying that everything happens for a reason it turns out one of the schools I applied to might not be losing its ABA approval so its a good thing that I waited. LOL
Anyway working at another Harley dealership and having a blast. Job at the PD's is going great but very busy. Working down at the jail is rewarding,incredibly tear jerking, and frustrating all rolled up together. It is a great place to start but I don't see myself making a career out of this. One of the officers at the jail is sponsoring me for the academy so i figured I would give that side of the judicial system a try and see what happens. I have another year left before I can apply to law school again so I figured why not. Another door is opening so lets see where it leads.
Love life is another thing altogether. I'm still single and very happy to be this way. I was dating a lady for a month or so but she had this incredibly bad habit of talking out of both sides of her mouth. One story would be she wanted to take things slow and easy and then the next thing would be she didn't see the relationship being where it is supposed to be. WHAT?? I would tell her how I wanted things to be easy and that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now. I wanted to see where things would go and let things happen in their own time but that wasn't possible for her. She is used to getting what she wants when she wants it but I'm not one of those things.I kept saying that I didn't come with any past girlfriend issues and that when I settled down I was able to give that relationship 100% of me. I didn't come with trust issues, insecurity issues or hang ups. Of course I still have things to work on, we all do and will to the day we die but I wasn't going to bring any of these into a relationship. I was in a emotional position to not let my past ruin my future. That not what i got from her. Holy shit!! The insecurity issues, the mistrust and just plain psycho behavior. Needless to say it ended pretty badly and unfortunately I think i lost what was a friend but that is by her choice. It started once a week I would get the talk that went something like this" I cant do this anymore , you are too close I don't want to get hurt and I'm ready to settle down. we are in two different places." Then every couple of days I would get the talk. I told her that I would not commit myself to a relationship that was unstable, and emotionally unsafe. I would not knowingly put myself into a potentially damaging situation. The situation came to a head when we went out to a bar, I took the motorcycle and she drove her car with some friends. After being at the bar for a bit I ran into a old friend after talking to him he introduced me to a friend of his. She said she like to ride so I took her for a quick ride on the bike. I didn't tell her I was leaving for a few but I did tell a friend that i would be back in a few. When I got back she went apeshit. Screaming at me saying to never call her again, and the nerve of me to leave with that girl. That my ego needs to feed. I admit having a Harley is great for the ego. That one of the perks of having one. DUHH!!! Anywho I get accused of arranging to meet this girl there and I had that ride planned out, etc etc etc.. One of the last things she texted me (because I hung up on her phone call) was "was that ride worth it?" If I would have answered her back the answer would have been HELL YES!! The girls name I went riding with is Lauren. I didn't find that out until later. Anyway we exchanged numbers and have been hanging out everyday since we met. I get out of work at 1230A.M and she meets me at my house and we go riding until usually 3 or 4 in the A.M. We are just hanging out chillin. She is from Boston and I crack up every time we talk. The other night we went to Karaoke, got a good buzz going, sang all night then rode home. The singing:horrible but fun, the drinking: cold beer and relaxing, the ride home: a blast! We have this shopping cart thing going on that Ill explain later but we have such a good time together. Anyway I found an awesome friend out of all that crap so yes it was worth it.

Where To Begin

2007-04-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

The worst thing about not posting for such a long time is trying to figure out where to start to get caught up. Well lets see... I guess I should start form the new job. I got a transfer over to a different part of our office. I no longer work with the Juv. I now work at our local jail in the Booking and Receiving canter. My job consists of greeting the newest guests and making sire that they are going to be represented either by themselves, a private attorney, or a public defender. I then interview them and prepare an interview sheet for the attorneys so when they arrive at for their initial appearance the attorney has some knowledge of the situation. I also inform the inmates about the proceedings that are upcoming and get the court list ready. I LOVE IT!!! There are many occasions that I have to go upstairs into the holding cells to get a interview with someone that was missed. I don't have any fear about doing that at all. The C/O's think I am crazy but I see it as that the inmates aren't upset at me I am there to help them it is the C/O's if anyone that the inmates aren't thrilled with. I work prostitute hours or at least that's what Mother Rick call them. I go in at 1830 and generally leave around 0300 Monday through Friday. I still have my job at Harley but it has just calmed down. Bike week was a mad house. I put in 80 hours that week between the two jobs. I also help a friend at her law firm so I can put it on the law school applications. YES I FINALLY DID APPLY TO LAW SCHOOL. This week I sent the applications in and I am rounding up the letters of recommendation to send in Monday. I finally gave myself the kick in the rear that I needed.
There was a bachelorette auction that I volunteered for. It was to benefit the GLBTC. The date I put up was the highest date that was sold. A lady paid 220.00 for a date with me. The bonus with that was that she was hot as well. SCORE!!! We had a really good time but her schedule is as busy as mine and I am not looking for any relationships right now so we are just chilling as friends when time allows.
I got my bike all fixed up almost the way I want it. I got the new pipes on and the new handlebars and risers. The lower shocks are still tight. Angel looks HOT!! She is faster, louder and each week I add something different to her. I decided to not get a new bike. Going on the belief I will be starting law school in the fall I don't need any more expenses. I am going to wait until I graduate, pass the bar and get my first check. Then it can be a reward to myself.
Anyway things are slowing down some so I wont be away as long this time. This semester is almost over and Ill be finding out in a month or so I need to enroll again at the community college for my paralegal classes or getting ready to start my first year at law school.

Follow the leader

2007-01-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

When are you supposed to stop following your heart and listen to your mind.?How do you know if what you are listening to is your heart speaking the truth or if you are just making yourself believe something because its not what the heart wants to hear?Do you follow your heart when your brain is telling you otherwise? If not, how do you know when not to? Im searching desperately for a balance. Im sitting in civil lit class and it is so basic im bored out of my mind so I have plenty of time to let my mind wander. I've participated but he wont call on me anymore so my mind can wander. Anyway back to discussion at hand. I think maybe it just goes back to not living with any regrets or wondering what if.

Fortune cookie wishes

2007-01-24T21:41:00.000-05:00

Reading over P.T's blog and seeing the fortune cookie I remembered the fortune cookie I got while I was out to dinner with a friend the other night, It said your most desired dream would come true. Now given that I actually believe it to happen just because it says so in a fortune cookie put aside now is the dilemma of deciding what my most desired dream is and why I have to narrow it down to my most desired dream not dreams. Anywho I had to think about it for awhile and I really cant narrow it down that's why I don't do so well making wishes on birthday cakes, throwing pennies into wells or breaking apart wish bones. There is always the korney beauty pageant wish for peace on earth but every beauty contestant wishes for that so why waste my wish there. I thought about wishing to be back with my ex but maybe that would be just my wish not hers so why be somewhere that Im not wanted and maybe that's not where Im supposed to be, I thought about wishing for the admission into law school for the fall but then came the thought of wishing for a healthy child. I then thought about wishing for the ability to be able to understand my faults and issues so I would be able to resolve them so I don't have to repeat them. I decided that my wish would be to put one foot in front of the other, not to cause harm to others, to try to help when I can, and to live each day with no regrets. I think that would pretty much cover everything without having to choose one wish.

direction

2007-01-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

Started Sat. night when I came over to sit for Mother Rick. Rosies family cruise was on and what a tear jerker. Watching all those families it was so touching. My clock seems to be ticking anyway but compounded with that show . OH MY GOD!! I turned it off halfway through I just couldnt watch it anymore. I ended up just going to bed.
Sunday morning I didnt have to be at work until 100 so I decided I to go to mass. Right after communion I went back and started to pray. Just asking God to show me what direction I am going in, and to give me the wisdom to be on that track and the strength to carry on. I know that there is a purpose and there is a plan I just really needed to have a sign shown to me. To give me some indication and relief.Now Im not much of a bible thumper by any means but I know I have to start filling my life up something other than what I have been feeling. I want my life to take a direction and I feel so ready for it to get moving yet at the same time I still feel as if I need a direction to take it. Some people say that relegion is for the weak. I can understand that because I feel weak right now. I have tried eveything that I know to deal with issues in my life and I cant do it. Maybe Im trying to push the river. My mind, body and spirit need relief. I cant let go, I dont want to. o.k. I sense a ramble coming on... I dont want to let go becaue I told myself that the last relationship was going to be the last, that I didnt ever want to go through a break up again, I didnt want to deal with the hurt. I guess in my mind Im sticking to it, if I dont let go I dont have to deal with it. Forget the ramble Ill save it for later no energy for that. back to the scheduled blog...There are so many options. After church I went back to Mother Ricks for breakfast and we started talking about the t.v show and the mass. We both started bawling in the kitchen. There are some things that I want and I have become aware that time is running out. Uncle Mike told me to come read the sports page and Mother Rick just handed me a tissue.

Poster Child

2007-01-05T00:50:00.000-05:00

I made it through the holiday season and now it is finally time to get a little me time. There is a lot of things going on and so many different things happening. To start out with a couple of days before New Years I got a phone call from an old dear friend, Lani. She said she was getting a bunch of the ladies together from the old women's group and wanted me to come. I hadn't made a decision what I was doing so I asked her what made this come to be. She said she missed me in her life and that she had recently come to realize how precious life is and that she wanted the people she cared most for in her life around her and I was one of those people. I told her to go on because it felt as if there was something more there. It turns out that she has lesions on her heart that they cant stop growing, and eventually will be terminal. After hearing that of course I said I would be there. It was a great evening. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. I got my cards read and eveything Chris told me was so accurate it was frightening. I think it was so scary because I knew eveything she was saying but I didn't want to look at a lot of it. The ladies are planning a bachelorette auction to benefit the center and convinced me to enter. I had done one for them a long time ago and they convinced me to do this one. they wanted to take some pictures to make some posters so I went home got the bike and leathers and we took some pictures. So not only am I in the auction but they are using me as the poster child for the fliers. Im just glad that I never had the desire to run for public office. So far my package includes a ride, dinner, a possible room at the embassy suites for coffee, wine and cheese cake and Im not sure what else. I have some back up coming in case there is someone bidding on me that I don't want to have buy me. They are expecting between 50 - 100 women at the auction so it should be a blast. Not to mention it is for a good cause.
Im think I might be moving at the end of this month. It is not for sure yet but Im going to talk to the owner tomorrow so it looks real good. I have a tattoo artist designing the phoenix tattoo that I want. I started working out again, and health wise I feel better than I have in a very long time. I feel like I am rediscovering me. This years theme is " all about me" its all about me. Life is too precious to not surround myself with those I care about and to not get out of life what I want.

Manatees

2007-01-05T00:34:00.000-05:00

Been having weird dreams recently. The other night I dreamt I was riding my bike down a gravel road. It was the old road that used to lead to a beach I go to. I love to go there because I always see alligators hanging out on the side. The only gators I like other than on my dinner plate. Anywhos I love to watch out for them and always get a kick when I see one. But back to my dream.. I was driving down this gravel road and there were a lot of alligators out. Most of them I could only see the top of their noses but there were a few that were all the way out of the water. I remember smiling as I was going by and thinking that this wouldn't be a good place to go swimming. As I drove I ended up at Blue Springs. When I was a kid we would go to there to see the manatees. Well that's were I ended up walking along the run looking for manatees. I started calling for them and they started to appear. I found some lettuce and started to feed them. There were even baby manatees. I remember feeling so happy feeding and talking to them. I could see one gator off in the background but it didn't want to come near and I remember thinking how glad I was that the manatees were not in any danger. I was so happy in the dream. I had been wanting to go see them this season but I hadn't had the time but I think this Sat. I am going to take a ride down there to see them. I get out of work about 200 so I believe its time for a ride.

Almost Over

2006-12-26T21:18:00.000-05:00

Now for the best part of the holiday... being over. I have never been one for the holidays and for the past couple of years that has been no exception. Especially this year my holiday spirit has been next to none. I am simply counting down to when all this fuss will be over. Now only a couple of days until Jan. 2nd. I put New Years in pretty much the same placement as X-mas and that is overrated and over celebrated . This is the second year in the row that Ill will spend these holidays in the states which makes it worse. Well almost finished with this season. I think I just have itchy feet.
I have some friends that are going to Amsterdam and Paris in late March or April and want me to go with them as a tour guide. I think I can work out getting at least 5 days off from work so Im thinking seriously about it. It shouldnt be a problem now that I have decided to hold off on a new Harley. I have put the plans for a new Harley on hold until I can pay off the credit cards I have and finished my school (either law or other). I figure the Harley can be my reward. Also I have a pefectly good Harley that is geting even better, not to mention paid for, so I can put off getting a new one and do some other things that are important to me as well. Yes Peter Pan has grown up.
Rick is moving at the end of Feb. Its only 45 min. away but Im not sure what Im going to do without him. He has been so incredible recently but I have found a substitute while he is away. Laurie. she is a friend that works with me at Harley. I tell her she is better than a mom, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc all rolled into one. I get 2 kids that arent mine but I can enjoy, a husband that will take care of her for me, she and I go shopping together, she buys me things, we have dinner together,she brings me luch at work, she listens me, all the perks minus the responsibilities and crap and of course minus the sex. She then can live vicariuosly through me and hear about all my adventures. Its a perfect match. LOL I spent a good part of X-mas day with her, her 2 kids , husband, brother and sister inlaw and their 3 kids. I had a great time I really love spending time with their girls Ava and Caidence. Caidence feel asleep with he head in my lap with her arm wrapped around me to make sure I wouldnt leave and of course since she was there her sister had to sit on me as well. I believe thery are 7 and 4. Bill her husband is great too, Lauir says we are kindered spirits, we even use the same dorky phrases such as cool beans, 6 of one half dozen of another things like that. Mother Rick wont be replaced but at least he can leave knowing that I am well taken care of.

lightbulbs

2006-12-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those moments of clarity when eveything seems to be actually following some sort of logical pattern that can actually be undestood by you? When the light bulb goes off and a big AHHA follows. Today I had one of those moments of clarity. I got my LSAT scores back last night and they are good enough to get into two of the law schools that i am going to apply. I talked with the public defender today and he said he would write one of my refrence letters. (actually he told me to write it and he would sign it) it just seems like i have found my path. Eveything is falling into place for me. I love my jobs (all 3 of them) but especially the one at the P.D's office and they will even pay for some of my schooling. There isnt any doubt in my mind that this is where I need to be. Except today an attorney told me they were going to transfer to the State because I was to Republican to be on their side. I think the comment fry them all and let God sort them out might have given her that idea. HAHA I just wanted to see Marks head turn red.
Even my ideas about my ex has evolved. I realize that the only thing constant is change and that the feelings i had for her she doesnt share. It was just too simple for me to grasp. Just because I feel something so strongly doesnt mean someone else will too. And just because they once felt a certain way doesnt mean that they still do or that it takes away from what they once felt. The problem was that this concept was just too simple for me to grasp. For the longest time I was trying to figure out why we were in each others life. That was the other part of the lightbulb. The reason for me could possible have been to get me on the path that I am on now. I really do owe alot of it to her for motivating and supporting me to go after my passion. She helped me put the foot out there, granted it was me that took the first step but she gave alot of inspiration. Maybe for her I was just a way to help get her over the hump of her ex. To help soften the blow so to speak. It feels better to be able to acknowledge this. That there was a reason or a purpose. Maybe these werent the reasons maybe it was just a good time while it lasted but I choose to believe that these were the reasons, that I can walk away with something positive. Instead of thinking what I dont have or why I dont have it, to focus on what I do have. The glass is half full not half empty. I realize that just having this moment of clarity wont make eveything dandy but it is a first step.

Dream escape

2006-12-14T07:44:00.000-05:00

So I had a bizarre night.. Something happened that I have never had happen to me before. I was having a dream about her. That's nothing new but what happened is. This dream was one of those that seemed so real. I remember I could feel her, smell her and feel the passion when we were kissing. Now comes the never before part... I remember snapping myself out of the dream. Now this was a dream that normally I wouldn't want to snap out of if you know what I mean, but I remember saying out loud this is only a dream and it has to stop. Its time to get on with things, she isn't coming back, she doesn't want to come back, and it is time I moved on so snap out of it. I then woke myself up. I was able to go right back to sleep then I dreamed about work. Sitting at the table with some of the attorneys talking about my LSAT scores. How well I did on them, how I was going to go to Barry and become one of them. Then my alarm went off and it was time to get up. I feel very rested today and Im off to work for another day. Still love the job.

humbug

2006-12-13T23:36:00.000-05:00

Finally done with finals. Thank You Jesus!!! now I can semi-relax until the 8th of Jan. Only thing on the agenda is work, riding and whatever happens to come my way in the way of adventure. After the holidays I've told Harley I would like at least one weekend off a month. I want and need a little time to enjoy myself. They said it wouldn't be a problem so Im happy about that.
I am so not a Christmas person. Im not all bah humbug but I just don't see the need for all this crap. why does there have to be a season for giving? When I was a kid I used to say that Christmas was a communist plot to overthrow our government and to undermine the economy. It sounded good at the time but now I just say I don't like this holiday. Holidays never turn out real well for me, holidays and birthdays just suck. O.K. maybe there is a little bah humbug in there. I really don't have much to say just wanted to write a little bit to get back into the flow of it again.
I got the shocks put on my bike. HOT!! WAY FUCKING HOT!!! It dropped her down about 2 1/2 inches. It handles so different but better. I get the pipes at the end of the month. Then Im looking at the dragbars with attached risers that are 5 inches high and two inches back. Ill be taking off the front turn signals and mounting them down on the forks so they are out of the way of the gas tank and putting chrome lines on for the brake and clutch lines. Then starts the rest of the chroming of her. Piece by piece, little by little.

yo-yo

2006-12-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

One final done two to go. I havent had much time to come and write and I miss it. I have been so busy that I havent had a chance to do much of anything which is a good thing. My body is telling me I need to slow down a little but Im concerned that by slowing down my feelings will catch up to me. It has occured to me that all I have been doing is running, granted it has been to positive things but I have yet to face some issues. A while back the slowing and just letting the feelings be stopped working, I got tired of just letting them be so I started running. I tried letting go but letting go was so much easier when I wasnt thinking of them. those pesty little emotions have a way of creeping back in even when you dont want them to. I dont know how to just stop feeling this sadness. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried talking about it, I tried letting go and giving it to God, Ive tried old behaviors, Ive tried faking it til I make it and nothing works. Maybe Im not supposed to get over it. All I know is that I feel a void inside and no mattter how much I do for myself it isnt being filled. There have been days that I constantly ask God to take it away, to remove the ache and it comes right back. I know it isnt for me to ask why but... why doesnt it go away. Why cant I just heal. I dont want to be broken. Why the fuck am I still rambleling on about this? I feel like a giant yo-yo, back and forth.

work

2006-12-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

I used to have a friend that said she wished I had a job that took so much out of me that I would be able to feel how exhausted she was at the end of the day. I don't understand why she would wish such a thing but she has gotten her wish. Im lying in bed going to passout after this is written. A friend wants me to go out with her and her girlfriend and I tried to explain that I just needed sleep. she didn't get it. I am absolutely exhausted. Every bit of energy goes into what I need to get accomplished during the day. Any extra energy goes to functioning. a consolation is that even though I am exhausted I feel like I accomplished something and it was a full day but a good day.
It isn't the job that is so difficult it is all the learning, remembering and trying to be perfect that is difficult. It is working 7 days a week and going to school for 9 hours. It is putting time in at the library and the studying that is making me exhausted. Now I know I have brought all this on myself but I am ready for a break. Finals are next week so only 1 more week to go than a little bit of rest until next semester. Im cutting down on the hours at Harley after the holidays so I can have a little time for me. I miss the long rides and the days at the dog park with my baby girl. I miss being able to spend the day in front of the t.v. doing nothing, or having a marathon of movies. Being able to stay up late or passing out at a friends house. O.K. Im done whining, I know all this hard work is getting me closer to where I want to be I just have to go a little bit longer then I can get that balance.
Work is going so great. A couple of the attorneys have told me that they will take me into the court with them so I can sit in on some arraignments, trials, and sentencing. ROCK ON !!! They also told me that they would put in a few hints that I could move up to a paralegal position when I had finished a few more of my classes and they said they would write me the letters of recommendation for law school. Haven't got my scores back yet but they are pushing me to start applying no matter what my scores are. It cant hurt, I guess the answer is still no if I don't apply. Going to apply to 5 schools. FSU, UF, Stetson. Barry, NOVA and maybe FAMU. walked into the office on Monday and they all asked how I thought I did. I told them that I consistently had about 5 questions that I just filled in the blank with and that after the test I had a anxiety attack and they all told me that was normal. They had the same experience.
I feel that I have focus back in my life. even though things are changing so much I feel as though I found my nitch, my passion. I feel like a different person. When I introduce myself I rarely do it as hoops anymore, I use my real name Cheryl. Even my friends have told me that I have a different energy about me and a different attitude about myself. I have gotten some self value again. Chris and Rick told me that they haven't seen me look this way in a while. It isn't all fun and games but the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train and I can do anything I want.

LSAT - Long Shitty Ass Test

2006-12-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

Friday night I was so relaxed about that damned test. A friend of mine, T, Called and told me to come over and she would cook me dinner while I studied on the sofa and tried to relax. She made an incredible dinner but I didn't get a whole lot of studying done. I was so tired that the words were running together so I just vegged on and went home early to get a good nights sleep. Then I had a friend call and ask me to play rugby with them on Sat. morning. I think the beating i would have taken on the pitch wouod have ben prefered to the beting I got in that room. LOL They were playing in the Florida Cup and need an extr player. I havent played in a couple of years and I am in no shape to play 2 40 min. halfs in a match and play as a prop. Right now I weigh about what one of those girls left leg weighs!! It would have killed me( but I would have loved every monute of it) Getting to hit, tackle, the scruming and rucking!!!! sounds like a porno. Ruck til you scrum!! lol sorry off on a tangent. anyways I obviously told her i couldnt but maybe next time.
Sat. Morning I was incredible calm about the test. Then when I was about 10 min. away it hit me. My palms started to sweat, when I got out of the car my legs didn't want to move and all I could think about was if it was too late to reschedule. then came the arrival and the waiting. That was the worst part. Finally it started. the questions themselves weren't all that horrible it was just the allotted time that gave me difficulty. I found that on each of the 5 parst that I didn't get to about 8 questions so I made pretty designs on the remaining unanswered ones. I think I did fairly well on the ones I did answer the others are a crap shoot. Whoever said there is no prayer in school has never taken the LSAT!! It wasn't computerized so Ill have to wait 3 - 5 weeks to get the results. After the test is when I lost it. Pretty much felt like throwing up.I guess all the stuff finally caught up. People were calling to see how I did and I didn't answer the phone. You know its bad when I don't answer the phone!! T called and said she was grilling steaks and to come over and she would feed me and let me relax. After a nap at my house I went over where I resumed my position on the sofa watching Harry Potter and fading in and out of more sleep while she cooked. Steaks and corn on the cobb. My favorite. I love me some corn on the cobb!!! After dinner she turned out the lights and gave me an incredible massage to relax me. I pretty much passed out then Rick started to call.. Mother Rick... wanted to go out so I left my comfy cozy place to go sit with Miss. Jenny so he could go play. Man he owes me big for that!! Rick is planning on moving to Cocoa Beach next month which is about an hour away from me. Both Lindsey, his niece, and I have informed him he can go because we will both starve. He keeps talking about it but I don't think it will really happen. Left his place shortly after 2 in the morning and came home to my own bed and quiet. He wanted to talk and be a chatty Kathy. he only lives about 5 min. from me so its no big deal to hop back and forth. Anyway today is work at Harley. Was going to ride the bike in but there is a fog warning out. cant really see too much but fog so it is going to be the car. Tonight is Harleys X-Mas party. Should prove interesting.

New Job Update

2006-11-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

Fifth day on the job and I still love it. I have figured one thing out, and that is that even though I love what Im doing it isn't going to be enough for me. Im looking forward to the LSAT so I can start to apply to law schools. Im not nervous at all about the taking it because I feel like that is the direction that I am going to go. I have to wonder a little bit why it took me so long to get on this path. The reason I can figure is that I was so worried I would fail or not be able to. I cant believe now that I could have doubted myself that much. I have one person to thank for the push that I needed to get my butt in gear. The motivation to start following my passion. Thank you. For the first time I feel like I have a job that is more than just a paycheck or just a job. I actually feel a sense of pride when I tell people where I work. Even though I think my opinions would fit in better working for the States Attorneys ( I say fry them all and let God sort them out) . I am helping uphold their constitutional rights and that is important to me especially since we seem to have a President bound and determined to bastardize/abuse the Constitution. Don't get me started!! LOL
I find myself at work shaking my head a lot of the times, wondering how these kids can get into so much trouble and wondering where the hell the parents are and what are they doing. Every day I open about 25 new cases and we open more than we close. I find myself looking for my friends students. Sorry guys but next year doesn't look so great for you either.
My life is so busy right now but it is a good thing. Im taking care of what I need to do. After this month I can slow down a little so only 31 more days to go. Finals are next week and both jobs are busy. A friend works for a catering company and he got me working with him for the holidays so I have a couple of weddings and X-Mas parties to help with. That will help get that down payment on the new Harley. Angel wants a sister. LOL
Anyway good night all, I have a long day tomorrow of work and then last minute studying so I need to get to bed. Now that Im a working girl it is past my bedtime. LOL

Long time

2006-11-27T18:13:00.000-05:00

Where has the time gone? So much has been going on and I have been so busy not sure where to start. To start off I got a phone call from the P.D's office and I started work today. Im going to be working as a legal sec. to about 4 different attorneys in the juvenile division. I absolutely love it. It is really great when you can see the reason for things that happen in your life. When I got laid off from the private attorneys office I had no idea I would be getting this. This is what I really wanted and it appears that this is the reason I lost the other job.
Over the holidays I had a pretty big revelation. I saw my grandmother and she didn't recognize me. She had a clue she knew who I was but she couldn't quite place me. After this I went outside and God and I had a little talk. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore . Meaning that I am so tired of trying to be in control, having to figure everything out, basically putting my hands into the works. I told him that I was ready to give up control to put my faith back into him and that everything that is happening is for a purpose and it isn't for my understanding. I told him that between my grandmother, my career, S, school, my plans for my future, I found out the guy that I was planning on having kids with has gotten back into drugs and isn't planning on sticking to our agreement, that everything was too much. After this I felt sense of peace that I didn't have the responsibility for things. Not meaning that I wasn't taking an active part but that I just didn't have to be in the drivers seat anymore. I constantly have to give him things because old habits are hard to break but It is getting less and less. I just have faith that everyting is as it should be even if I don't understand them. Im also finding that my change in attitude is changing how I act and react to things. I am tird of trying to be angry. Anger takes to much energy and that is not me. My attitude now is I just want to be. Accept whatever comes my way as just something that is. I have been so blessed by my family, friends and the life that I have. Not to mention my motorcycle. She has new shocks that I am putting on and she is getting new pipes. Thunderheaders!!! Those are the shit!!! LOUDER and FASTER!!! will give me more horsepower!! That's all the excitement I need!! Went out for a long ride last night the longest since April. Had such a great time. Just riding and really not thinking or analyzing anything. Went out by some lakes where it was so quiet. God it was nice!! Living in the moment. I think that's the key. Just enjoying what is when it is. Such a simple concept yet so difficult when Im trying to control things, trying to get them to turn out how I want them.
Finals are coming up, LSAT is on sat. working 2 jobs and trying to have a social life shit no wonder I havent been here in a while. But life is good and Im not waiting for the bomb to drop Im just taking things as they come. No expectations, just living in the moment.

numb

2006-11-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of caring, of being understanding and attempting to be a spiritual person. Being true to my libra self this is a natural course for me exploring both ends of the spectrum until I find the happy medium. After going through some self exploration and discovery I am tired of it. I have started to resort back to the old me. The old me that goes to anger and just says fuck it. I like this feeling at least it feels better than hurting. This is a familiar feeling to me. Am I angry? Hell yes Im pissed off. Im pissed off at myself for letting myself get in this position , Im pissed at her for not being able to put her past behind her, Im pissed at her ex for doing this to her,even having to deal with this Im pissed off. Im pissed because I feel cheated, Im pissed because I never stood a chance. Im pissed that Im not stronger than this and I cant let it go. I dont know how. Im pissed because I dont feel enough selfworth to just say fuck and forget it. Im pissed just because I want to be. I know I cant stay in this for long before Ill emerge and start working on myself agian but for right now this shit Im lingering in is still warm and cozy. What am I getting out of this? Thats a no brainer. I dont have to think, I dont have to care, I dont have to feel, and I dont have to hurt.
Hence the FUCK IT blog. Not saying fuck you to anyone in specific just the world in general. Im just saying it in general. I used to have a tattoo on my arm that said FTW. I got it when I was young and angry. I told my mom it meant free the world, to free it from the oppressions of society but it really meant fuck the world. It has long been removed by laser surgery but the feeling is back. From what Im to understand the process of grieving consistes of bargaining, sadness , anger and acceptance. Well guess where Im hanging out? Will this be directed at any one person? No of course not. Is this because of any one person. No. Im just tired.The only emotion I choose to feel right now is anger on the way to numbness. Numb is good. Comfortably numb is better.

A Big FUCK YOU

2006-11-12T08:15:00.000-05:00

A BIG FUCK YOU!! That's pretty much what Im hearing. Goes from a phone call every once in a while to nothing. Whatever!! She is obviously gone from my life now all I need to do is get her out of my head. and out of my dreams. Every night I close my eyes I end up having her there. Last night we were talking and I telling her how I realized that she was trying to be something she wasn't for me and I just wanted her to be who she wanted because I would love her no matter who she was. The dream goes on on and on as were talk and work things out. Im not sure what is going on. The last phone call started by I was just calling so I wouldn't be rude. The only way I can interrupt this is a big fuck you to me. That's cool rayray. At least I now know the direction this is going. Actions speak louder than words. I hate this saying, I hate it because it is true and I hate looking at what things are instead of seeing what I want. On my way to work now but I just woke up with all this crap and I wanted to get it out before I started my day. Pretty much of a ranting but fuck it. Fuck it all.

Closest thing to flying

2006-11-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

Not feeling very chatty tonight. Im laying here in bed trying to decide if I want to get up and go meet some friends at a strip bar. They just texted me and they are hanging out and want me to come down. I think Im going to finish this off and go to bed. Harley has given me full time hours and I have a big day there tomorrow. Today was fun, worked all day at Harley then I hooked up with a friend Jan and went riding for a bit. Stopped by two bars then hooked up with a few others and went to Orlando Ale House for dinner and to watch the FSU v. Wakeforest game. We got there about 815 just in time to see the beginning of an embarrassing, no humiliating defeat. Our homecoming game and we ended up getting shut out 30 to 0. Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse!! Anyway I surprised my friends by not only eating after 700 but ordering a 1/2 rack of ribs, mashed pot. and a sweet pot. Cleaned my plate I did:) Thats probably why Im still awake now sitting in my belly like a rock. The riding was good, I took the bike into work and the interstate that I use wasn't crowded at all. I was able to open her up a little a let her go. I was able to keep a steady speed of about 80 - 85. Closest thing to flying without leaving the ground. It was great!! Then tonight we rode around Winter Park that has lots of curves, had a great time my friend has a fat boy but she couldn't keep up. LOL her bike is lower to the ground so she couldn't take the curves like I was able to. Im trying to push my comfort level on curves. Want to be able to take them faster. Haven't had anyone on the back in a while so I can ride fast and hard without worrying about scaring them.I also Have been trying to get the front wheel off the ground coming out of first gear. I know Harleys aren't supposed to do wheelys but I was able to pop it once by accident so Im trying to do it now on purpose. Riding home tonight was great, It was another beautiful night. Tomorrow Im going to take the bike in as well, I have been riding a lot recently. I just want to get out and go . (For someone who isn't feeling chatty I sure have gone on hehe) It helps me to clear my head and I feel differently when Im riding. It gives me a sense of strength or maybe its just a more tougher feeling. Not sure which one or maybe a little of both. But I start to feel my fuck it attitude coming back. I like that, I like this feeling of not caring, of not figuring or not worrying. Im able to blow off any feelings that might be lingering and to basically butch up. I don't think this is because of my riding more I think its just because I am tired. Tired of caring, tired of trying, and just plain tired. I know this is just a phase of whatever it is Im going through. I am enjoying it though, its nice to put that part away that wants to analyze, reflect and embark on a voyage of enlightenment. I like going back to the fuck it stage, the part of me that stifles growth, doesn't care about taking care of issues ( mine or others) seizes the moment and just lives in the moment. Maybe by embracing this long lost part of me I can heal. I feel as though I have been sucked dry. I have been traveling this barren wasteland for too long.

steps

2006-11-09T23:15:00.000-05:00

Ever have those days when it feels as though you take one step forward and two steps back? I had my second interview today with the Public defenders office and it went really well. This is the job that I really wanted doing something that was really productive, beneficial and a career move. My only concern was in getting this job I felt bad about leaving the law firm, even though it really wasn't the job I wanted , I was currently looking for another firm, and I wanted to find something for more money and experience. Well the universe, God, whatever you choose took care of that for me today. The firm ran my drivers report. I didn't think any big deal because for the last 4 or so years I have taken off the lead boot, but they ran a complete record check. They said that they had to take into account my entire history because if ever something happened when I was out on a run for them the opposing lawyer would run a complete check so they had to as well. taking this info into account I was considered a liability and since I might have to drive for them occasionally they couldn't assume that liability. So basically they gave me a two weeks notice. That's a first. They said that I could use them as a reference and they wished it could be different and they didn't want me to be upset. I had just had a conversation with a friend that although this firm was a start it wasn't what I really wanted and I felt I could be doing something more. Here's my sign. I know to be careful about speaking things. Anyway Im going to talk with Harley and get more hours there until I can find another position that I really want or until this P.D. job comes into play. It is working in the juvenile division so Im sure it will be challenging and Im sure quite heartbreaking at times.
Just seems as though everytime I start to get going in the direction that I would like something comes along and presents difficulties. Im so tired of getting shot down. This past year really has sucked and I have gone through more metamorphosis then I would like. First ended a almost 6 year relationship, then moving, then changing jobs, health issues, school, another break up, and the continual self-reflection. O.K. Enough of the self pity what am I going to do about it? I am going to look at the fact that I have my health, my family and friends have their health, when a door closes a window is opened, and like everything there is a reason for everything and all I have to do is to try to do the right thing and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have realized something about myself, I am noticing some behaviors that I have started that I don't like. Don't really feel like getting into details (another blog day) but lets just say that it isn't the kind of person that I want to be so I know I have to take certain actions to not continue.
I just wish that I could get a burning bush, a crystal ball or something that would let me what Im supposed to be doing , where Im suppossed to be doing it, who Im to do it with, and how Im going to get there. I am just tired of wasting time. I feel as though the clock is ticking and I just want to get things right. Its this not knowing thing that drives me apeshit.
I went to a noon mass today. Dont worry to much not, Im not a Catholic, Im Episcapal. The first time in a long while, I really miss the spiritual aspect of my life. I find that when I am in touch with that my acceptance, patience and peace come alot easier. I dont think its because situations change it is my perception of them that change and Im not trying to control my surroundings. I even have started to read a book on Buddhism, The Four Noble Truths. I also started to read my books on Taoism again.

Angel and I

2006-11-07T19:37:00.000-05:00

So I decided to follow suit and be a sheep for a change. Others are posting pics so I decided to take a risk and put some pics of myself up. That is me on the left taken in Amsterdam in June 2005. We were at the Heiney Experience. LOVE THAT BEER!! Not feeling any pain at that point. Did make it to many "coffee" shops but NO I didnt partake. I will admit going to a live sex show in the red light didtrict. I got pulled up on stage to assist a lady preformer. Thats a whole other blog.
This is in Copenhagen Denmark taken in August 2005. Anna is on the left Chris one of my ex's is 2nd to left , then me, Kirstin, Stine( we call her svine), and Batina (Bubber). A great bunch of girls I miss them especially Anna and Bubber. HOT!!! Anyway off topic.This is a new picture of me just taken today. When I look at these pics its as if Im looking at a totally different person. it is still a little strange when I look in a mirror and see this person looking back at me. My girls at Harley want me to bring in pictures of me from when I played rugby. They dont believe that I was once husky enough to be a prop. I saw an old professor and friend today he didnt recognize me. My friend Shelly and her girlfrend Crystal are calling me a girly girl. Just because when we were riding in the truck I saw a spider run across the dashboard I screamed and jumped behind Crystal yelling for her to kill it. I remember what the spiders did to Rick when he tried to save one so I wasnt going to take any chances!! I had her kill the bastard. Besides it was huge I think it was about 3 feet around! O.K. not that big but it was in a moving vechile with me and one of us was going and it wasnt going to be me. When we got back to Shelly's house she proceeded to pick me up and throw me over her shoulder like I was nothing. That is so odd. I used to be the one to do that to girls. They made me promise not to loose any more weight. I told them I still have meat on the bones just not a whole lot of fat. Im really not trying anymore. I figure my body will taper off when it wants. Im just going to keep eating healthy(YES I DO EAT!!) and doing what Im doing. I pretty much have setteled at about the weight I am now. As long as I feel and look good Im not worried. At the risk of sounding a little arrogant I know I look good. At least thats what I keep being told. Its nice to know that but its also really nice to hear from others.
This is Angel and I. She is a Harley Davidson 1200S. She is my baby. I was thinking about trading her in for something larger. I was looking at that Dyna custom but I cant anymore. I have hooked up with a couple of guys at work and they are going to help me fix her up even more. They have sporty's and agree that I shouldnt sell it, Besides I can just save up and get that Dyna without trading her in. Hows that for retail therapy? There is nothing wrong with having two Harleys. Also the one I want to get isnt going to be available until at least Feb. So that gives me plenty of time to save.

So Over It!!

2006-11-04T21:00:00.000-05:00

I stopped by a local bar last night to say good bye to some friends that were moving out of town. As soon as I got there I ran into Mrs. Drama herself better known as grandma to some. I cant believe some people. I was polite and asked her if she had indeed told others that I had told her that I wanted her or was in love with her. She looked me straight in the eye and said no but she knew where that rumor came from. It came from S who told the girl Mrs Drama is dating and that's how she heard about it. Just 2 minutes before another girl Mrs. Drama was dating or had bben dating , who the fuck knows told me that Mrs. Drama told her that. I cant fucking believe it. First to lie to me then to try to tell me that S had started it. I am so over all this drama. One I never said anything like that, granted the day that I was drugged up on demoral I could have told her I loved her but I told everyone I talked to that day that I lived them and don't even remember talking to them. But never, never ever had I told her anything that could re,otely be construed to me wanting her or being in love with her. First and foremost since S I have not had wanted or been in love with anyone but S, second Mrs. Drama was dating a friend of mine and I would never do that to a friend.Third I had known Mrs. Drama fir about 20 years if I had wanted her it would have come up before now. I just left I was so disgusted. Then on my way out she tells me to call her. Ill call her alright I can think of lots of things to call her. I hate that this community is so small. I hate that people have to be so petty and small.
Anyways on a brighter note my friends from CA are in town, they arrived today and we met out for dinner. It was so great seeing them. Again they both offered for me to move out there with them. It was brought up not once but 3 times before dinner was over. I have to ponder it a little more but I think I see a move in the future for me. I know that you cant run from yourself but I gotta get out of here. I just want to be away from all this crap. I know that no matter where you go you have issues but at least a move would give me a fresh start. Im just tired of bullshit. Im tired of being lied to, of looking over my shoulder, and worrying when I go out if Im going to run into her and whoever she is dating now because there are really only two bars to go to. Im tired of being involved in such a small scene that everyone has to know your business and has to meddle in it. I have been out and about in this town for about 20 years. Its time to move on to something new. Thinking about all this crap makes me want to vomit. New job, new society, possibly a new relationship, just a new beginning. There is really nothing keeping me here. I can take my car, my dog, my bike so Im good.I can finish up school and look for a job out there. There is also a law school not far from their house. I have picked up and moved across the ocean so going to CA isn't that far. They are here for about 10 days so there is plenty of time to talk about it.

morning thoughts

2006-11-03T11:34:00.000-05:00

Seems like my mind wont stop turning, it happens early in the A.M when Im just waking up. Its like my brains last ditch effort to get everything settled before fully waking up.This was this mornings steady stream. I started off thinking about the last time I saw her. Im a very touchy person I like to touch to get that connection. The last time I put my hand on her cheek she told to not touch her, the last time I held her hand it almost brought her to tears, she asked me not to hug her goodbye because she had to go into work and if I hugged her it would bring her to crying and she couldn't deal with that break down then. After all these thoughts I realized what I was grieving so much, it was the loss of that connection that's what I miss so much. I was looking at it as if being apart hurts this much for both of us why are we doing it, it can't be right. Yet it appears that I am the only one shedding tears over the loss of the connection, the tears she sheds aren't because of me. It is because of the other one that hurt her so badly that she cant, and/or doesn't want to have that connection again. Its not me. Im not saying that she isnt sad over us Im just saying that I now realize that our sadness comes from diferent areas. Im sad over the realtonship I lost and her sadness comes from the relaitionship she cant have. She was broken when I found her. I get that. she said that when we first met and I picked up her keys her thought was " here I go again" It didnt have to be another "again" she already had in her mind what was going to happen. she told me that maybe the reason we found each other when we did was so that we could help each other through a bad time. That wasn't the reason for me. She also said that she wished she had never met me and she was sorry for hurting me so badly. I think of Garth Brooks song " The dance" "Even knowing how it was going to end I wouldn't change a thing because I still had the dance."
I also thought about the ideas I had, how there were times that I saw so clearly us being together. I do believe that I am very intuitive but I also know that I have thing abut being right.(I know P.T. you would say thats the lawyer coming out of me.LOL) I think its entirely possible that I was seeing these things because that was what my heart wanted. I didn't want to be wrong about this. When I was with Ann I saw that relationship as the one. It was for me but that wasn't a prediction of the future it was just what I saw for myself and my hearts desire. When I was with Chris I knew it wasn't going to work but I didn't want to give up because of the time we had put into it and because I didn't want to be wrong again. With S I so wanted this to be it. I thought we were doing things the right way, we dated for a little before making a commitment, we didn't jump into anything, we were honest with each other, we talked about everything, we wanted the same things out of life, I was so attracted to her, everything was there. eveything but the timing. I guess I became the pig and she was just the chicken ( see last blog for explanation if needed). When I found out that she had only been out of a relationship for two weeks when we met my first instinct was to run. Yet I was assured that she was done and over that because she had already dealt with that.( funny how those same people are now the ones that are saying she needs to be single to heal) It really doesnt matter anyways because at that point It was too lateI had already fallen. anyhow I had been holding on because I had this vision that seemed so real to me but there inlies the operative words " for me" Its time to let go, there is no need to hold the door to my heart open when there is no desire for her to walk through. I realize that its not about me being right or wrong about this. its about not being the appropriate time. I did see what could have been but that was just looking at where my desires and actions were going. I was looking into a mirror not a crystal ball. All I was looking for was a small sign, for reason to not let go, for a reason to keep that possibility open, a reason to see something besides what starring me in the face. I just wanted a thread to grasp.
People say that I need to be single to fuck around and not be in a relationship. I think its important to be in a place that you don't need to be in a relationship but I want to be in a relationship. I can be single, date, fuck around and not settle down but I have done all of that already. I don't have that desire to go through all that. I want to be with one person. I want to create a life for us. I think people that are telling me I have to be single are people that are incapable for whatever reason to have a relationship. I think it is human nature to want to have a partner and to not be alone. Even animals seek out partners, with the exception of wasps and some spiders that kill their mates. There are some exceptions to both sides, nothing is absolute.

What will be will be. Serendipity an excellent movie. I know that I am not finished with love. I am incapeable of closing off my heart. If we are meant to be we will and if not then thats because there is someone more appropriate out there for both of us. I just wish that things could have been different. I wish they could be different now.

Ham or Eggs

2006-11-02T22:47:00.000-05:00

Took the bike out tonight with my buddy GB for a long ride. GB is having issues with his wife and Im having a hard day as well. We usually go out and hot rod around and blow of some steam. We got a late start tonight, didn't leave his place until around 600. This is usually my favorite time to ride because I love to look at the sunset. Tonight had a beautiful sunset and the sky was incredible. All and all it was a gorgeous night for riding. I really wanted to give her a call to see if she wanted to come out tonight. I miss us going for rides together. I rode before I met her and Im still riding but I just couldn't get the times we would go out together out of my head. GB says that Im not letting go because of expectations. Expectations I had for the relationship, her and myself. I guess that make a little sense but I still miss her. Just want to get her out of my mind. No I don't that's a lie, I want to get the hurt out of my heart. Can I do one without the other?
After riding I went over to Mother Ricks house tonight to watch our usual Ugly Betty and Grays Anatomy. That is our usual Thursday night thing. I got there late so I could only catch G.A. O.K. Im addicted I love that show. There are a couple that I try not to miss. G.A. Ugly Betty, Boston Legal and the group therapy with Ted Dansa. Help you Help me I think the name is. anywho G.A was good tonight learned all about being either a pig or a chicken in relationships. I know things are bad when you start finding lessons in t.v sitcoms but this one actually is kinda cool. I have this thing about analogies and sayings. Anyway this guys wife is pregnant and he wants to get married he said that basically he had been eggs through the relationship but now he was ham. He looked at it as a breakfast plate. The chicken was involved as to the point that she produced the eggs but that's all she wasn't committed she just played a part. Now the pig on the other hand was committed to the breakfast because he was ham now. there was no backing out he was a part, commitment. so the question he had to ask himself was he ham or eggs. He decided ham and wanted to get married.

I dont know what that has to do with things but I thought it was interesting. Just rambeling now I think Im just going to go to bed. I have been at Mother Ricks house since Sunday. They have been tenting my apt. for termites so Bamse and I stayed with them. I was going to be there tonight cause i just didnt want to be alone but i decided I needed to suck it up and just go home.

I had a call from the Public Defenders office, they wanted me to come in for another interview. I decided to go even though I started at a firm downtown, I figured it couldnt hurt to see what they had to say. They said that they thought I was to qualified for just a clerk position so they were interviewing me for a assistant/receptionist position. The interview went really well. I interviewed with 3 people and they loved me. How could they not? :) It turn out this position is in the juvenille division so I will probably get a chance to see some of my friends students. LOL I think it looks really good so we'll see. They say good things come to those that wait. I have been waiting long enough. She said she was going to be calling me again for another interview, I imagine to sit with the attorneys Ill be working with. Keep your fingers crossed.

Long time no see

2006-10-31T18:01:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since my last blog. I have been so caught up with work and school that all I want to do when I get home or to Mother Ricks is sleep. This is a typical Monday and wed. For me. Class from 1130 to 1245. Then straight to work at the law firm until 600. Then back to school from 700 to 945. On tues, thurs, and friday it is work at the law firm from 830 until 600. When Im not in class or at work Im in trying to fit in homework, studying and a small amount of relaxation. On Sat. Im at Harley from 900 until 600. Then on Sun from 930 to 500. So to say Im busy is an understatement but it is a good thing to keep my mind busy.
Last week I asked her to stop calling me. I did this because that was the advise everyone was giving me. "You cant get over her unless she is out of your life, you need time apart, if she is so confused you don't need to be around her", etc., etc., etc. I even had a friend offer to drive me to the ball store so I could pick up a pair. Yet after the words came out of my mouth I wanted to grab them and push them back in. It just didn't feel like the right thing to do. Intellectually it seemed like the best thing but it just didn't feel right. Not to mention the night before she called I was thinking and throwing out to the universe that I wanted her to call. Later that night I found myself texting her. She called and wanted to know what the hell I was doing. I guess Im just as confused as her. When do you stop listening to your heart? How can you tell when you are fooling yourself? I don't know. Again she told me I should get on with my life. That I should date. I date to see if I want to be with that person, or if there is that spark that something could start. I don't want that. I have been asked out by 7 different women but I have no desire to go. If I cant be with her then I would rather be by myself. Maybe this makes me a totally pathetic individual. I guess one would say that dating will help me get over her. I don't want to do it that way, it isn't getting over it is replacing and I don't want to do that. It isn't fair to the one I would be dating or the next person I choose to be with. All it does is cover, it doesn't disolve.Its like having the flu and taking something for the cough it just removes a symptom not the root of the problem.Why the hell do I miss her so much? Why cant I let go? Why cant I get it through my head that this is something I need to just forget. Why do I hold on to something that she obviously doesn't want. I mean Christ she has told me point blank to date others. I don't think I am that disfunctional or have low self esteem. I look better than I ever have.I think I deserve to be happy and to get what I want out of life and a partner. In the back of my mind I guess there is a little piece that still believes that things can work out. that if I hang on to just a little bit she will come around. and I can still be there. How do I get that little piece out of my mind? How do I separate my heart? She said this was easier for her than for me. One would think that comment alone would do it. When Im at work at Harley I find myself looking for things that she would like or that would look cute on her. Friday Im taking home one of the bikes that I would like to get and I was thinking about when the best time to call to see if she wanted to go riding with me. What the hell am I thinking??? This is a woman that has said she doesn't want to be with me, is dating others, tells me to date others. Why cant I tell her to piss up a rope and be done with it? Why do I want someone that doesn't want me?
My friends called me from Denmark again today and want me to move back there. Right now that seems like a really good idea. I started to look on the internet for jobs there and I got my passport application to renew it. I don't know so much to think about. I really like my job at the law firm and Harley and I love school yet I miss Denmark.I know that I would just be running and that doesn't work. Eveything catches up to you eventually and bites you in the ass that much harder.I think I am going to start looking for a international or corp. law firm that has clients overseas and try to get a job there. This way when I do finish school I can move into a paralegal position that might require travel.

Experiment

2006-10-23T15:18:00.000-04:00

Today after the interview I was feeling a little sad. I decided to do a little experiment to maybe make myself feel little better. So as I was leaving Publix I smiled and said hello to everyone I passed. Not just a nod of the head or a half faked smile but a genuine smile and hello. Eveyone that I met smiled back and said hello as well. It made me feel better even though it was just for a short time. it also brightened my day and hopefully made their day a little brighter as well.
I was a little sad because I was missing her today. There are just so many wonderful, exciting things that are going on in my life right now and it makes me a little sad that she isn't here to share in them with me. Its not because I miss having someone around or because I need to have her I just miss having her in my life. I have close friends that I am sharing my life with I just miss having her as one of them. I loved her and I still do love her. I know that life goes on and that I can be happy without her in my life it just feels as though a piece is missing. That piece is her. I know that for a multitude of reasons we cant be together now but I also know that knowing all this wont make me love her less or miss her less.

Decisions decisions decisions

2006-10-23T14:18:00.000-04:00

I had another interview today at a different law firm, it looks promising. Here is the dilemma. I have already accepted the job at law firm #1 and start tomorrow. This job will work around school and there is potential for advancement. Issue is they pay is lower then job #2. With job #2 I haven't for sure gotten it but it looks really good. The pay is higher but my responsibilities will be greater and they will be less flexible on the hours because of the increased responsibilities. Im thinking I don't need the additional stress from job #2 being Im still in school, working at Harley on the weekends, want to donate some time for service work, and would like to be able to enjoy a little down time so I don't burn out. I talked to my mom today and she said that one bird in the hand was better than two in the bush and that I should probably stick with job #1. She then offered to help me a little more so that it would compensate for the $ difference. Looking at all this on paper(screen) I think I should stick with job #1. even though I would like to be in a position of more money and responsibility there is plenty of time to have that after graduation. Right now I need to focus on what is happening right now, what is going to be the best for my future and what conditions are going to best assist me.
Speaking of future and school. I got my midterm back form Real property and I got a 94. ROCK THE FUCK ON!!!! My second midterm is tonight in Legal research which I am getting ready to go study for after this. I have started to put any assignment that is not 100% up on my fridge or within sight. This is just to remind me that there is need for improvement.
My crazy, psychotic friend Pat gave me the lecture today that Im going to have a breakdown cause she thinks Im taking on too much. I tried to explain to her that this is my life and whee I want to get in life takes what I am doing now. In order to succeed I need to do service work, dedicate time for school , studying and work. That the law firm job was imperative because that is where I wanted to be and the Harley job was fun for me and it didn't take up my complete weekend. She said that I needed time to sit around in my boxers and drink a beer if I wanted and I didn't have that time. She just doesn't get that I have already had that time to sit around in my boxers and drink beer and and that it was time for Peter Pan to grow up and do something to get me where I wanted to be. We just have different life goals and she doesn't understand the time management concept. I get that there is only so many hours in the day but what I don't think she gets is that I am just rearranging my priorities on how I spend that time. I appreciate here concerns and it is something to keep an eye on yet I don't think she gets it.

Desiderata

2006-10-22T22:35:00.000-04:00

Max Ehrmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain and bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.

Dyna or Soft Tail

2006-10-22T21:27:00.000-04:00

Another great day. I wasn't able to make it down to Daytona Beach for Biketober Fest but that's O.k. I had such a great day at Harley!! I chatted with one of the salesmen today about which bike I want. I still cant decide. Its between the two above. I know I still have 88 days to decide but I am a kid in a candy store. The second one is a Dyna Super Glide Custom. The first is A Soft Tail Standard. The soft tail is a smoother ride but I like to hot rod and the Dyna is better equipped for the type of riding that I do. Anyway I learned everything about the bikes that I could possible want to know today. I also talked with one of the techs and when I bring my bike in they will let me use their tools to work on my bike there. Cant get any better than that!!
I was talking with Traci today and she is trying to decide if she should leave her boyfriend. We spent a lot of time chatting and I found myself listening to the advise I was giving her. I saw her going through pretty much what I had just gone through so it touched a place in my heart. I think the best thing I told her was to not throw her love away on someone that doesn't appreciate it or want it. That it is O.K. for her to love him but it takes two and since he isn't living up to his part of the bargain that maybe she should just move on and do for herself. She was waiting for him to make up his mind about what he wanted to do so she she could decide what she should do. She was giving him power over her life. I also told her something that I had been told along time ago that is so true but had forgotten and that is actions speak louder than words. Usually cliches annoy me but this one is so true. One little thing I told her was that love was more than an emotion it was an action as well. I think she is going to leave him and my heart goes out to her because I know how much she loves him and how it feels to be so confused about what to do. Even with that heavy conversation it was still a really good day. I told my friends today that I was gay, I didn't actually come out and say it but I dropped all the pronouns I was using. I was a little worried but it was no big deal to them. I just figured I didn't want to Portia myself as someone Im not and if I cant be who I am then I don't need to be there. Im not going to be a s open at the law firm but eventually Im sure I will. Being gay just isn't something that goes on your resume under additional skills, not for a law firm anyway. I have been thinking about looking into the local chapter of the ACLU if Orlando even has one and seeing about maybe volunteering a little bit of time there. Im trying not to bite off more than I can chew but Getting involved more is something that I think is beneficial. Anywho after my midterm tomorrow I can think more about that. Not too worried about the midterm tomorrow. It is in legal research.. no problem... but I need to get to bed I have that other interview tomorrow morning. figured might as well go, it is good experience and it cant hurt to see the comparison in the law firms.

Happy bubble

2006-10-21T23:20:00.000-04:00

I had such an incredible day. I started work at Harley today and had an absolute blast. How could it not be fun we spent the day looking at clothes, trying them on, helping other people find things and prepare a shopping list for ourselves. The girls I work with are so funny. The boss had ordered pizza today for everyone and I told them that I didn't eat pizza. So we got into a discussion about my eating habits which led to me saying that I have lost about 50 lbs. and needed to get new clothes because nothing fit. OH MY GOD!! Talk about opening a can of worms. They just started pulling stuff off the shelf. It was so funny but it made me feel so good. I was actually trying on things from the girls side. I have always been really stocky/athletic and have never been called tiny to my recollection but today trying on those clothes Laurie said "damn girl your tiny." It was so wonderful trying on things that didn't need to be worn with boxers, usually everything I wore was baggy. Im getting a pair of overalls tomorrow that I just look so adorable in. Also getting a pair of low riders that are fucking HOT!!!II held them up looking at them and I couldn't believe that I could actually fit in them. A size 6!! That's right a 6 and they have an incredible ass factor.It is so weird almost like I was a different person. I actually have a figure and a damn good one too. I felt so good about myself and how I looked.
All today I have felt so happy and it is all up to the fact that I am doing for myself. Im at Harley cause I want to be and it is playing with things I love. The attorneys office is where I want to go and is just a beginning. All this time I have always been told that Im intelligent, have tons of potential, etc. Yet I never really saw it coming together. Now I have all these opportunities and these people are coming for me for what I have to offer and that I can choose what I want is so incredible to me. Today driving home I got all teared up because I feel so happy. What makes it even better is that this is all coming from me for me. It isn't because of who is in my life or how someone else is making me feel, it is 100% because of what I am making happen in my life. Pretty much right now my life is school, work, my Harley, my dog, my blog at night and a few incredible close friends. I already have my new bike picked out. Im down to two choices. A softtail standard or the dyna super glide custom. I have only 89 more days until I get the discount:)
I just feel so different. I feel almost like the old me back before Ann. Almost like that but better. I have a renewed confidence and self-esteem. I know that all the days aren't going to be perfect and that there is going to come a time that something is going to happen to bust the happy bubble but Im not looking for that or expecting it. Im not letting the idea that that will happen stop me from being happy right now. That is different and its nice. Today I almost didn't know what to do with the feeling then it came to me... just go with it. Its funny how one can so easily put faith and so much energy into negativity and doubt while not looking for the end but when there is happiness and positivity it is easily dismissed doubted and one starts to look for it ending. Maybe it is because that doubt and hurt is all that is known but I think that if we come to always expect bad then that's what we will find. I had said before that productivity was my goal this year. I think I am off to a damn good start.

YEAH!!!!!

2006-10-20T17:55:00.000-04:00

Just got a phone call!! no not one of those phone calls but a call from the attorneys office that I had an interview with today. They offered me the job. I of course accepted. I start Monday!!! I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I now know that it isnt a train or bus. I also got another call from another attorneys office and they want me to come in on Monday morn. for an interview. Southwest sent me a letter and they want me to come in next month to interview for a position and TSA called today and said my physical was good and they would be signing off on it and I could go to the next stage of the hiring process. I also sent my application in to Legal Aid to volunteer a couple of hours a week. DAMN I FEEL GOOD!!! I of course cant forget Harley!!! I start there tomorrow morn. It finally feels as though I am on the road to where I need and want to be going. It feels so good and satisfying. I know it is only a start but it is a start. This firm said they would work around my school and I could work as much as I wanted. I feel so good! Im sitting here in the law library and I just had to write about it cause I feel as though I am going to bust. I have another midterm on Monday so Im getting a head start on it. I know its a Friday night and Im in the library but I really dont mind, this is where my future is going to come from not the bar. Besides there is nothing there that I want anyway so I might as well do something productive. Well I better get back to work.

Butterflies

2006-10-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

This morning I had another interview with a law firm downtown. She said she had a few more interviews for today but she would want me to be able to start as soon as possible. I was her first interview which is how I wanted it. I wanted to set the bar that others would have to meet.

When I got home Bamse and I went out for a little walk. While she was smelling around the grass I noticed a couple of butterflies flying around. I called Bamse over and we sat down on the sidewalk and just watched them. They were trying to land on the blades of grass but the grass was wet so they had to be careful not to get their wings wet. Everytime one would fly away another would come around. We probably sat there for 15 mins. just watching them. It looked like they had to flap those wings so hard to get just a little bit of airspace. Yet there was a bit of peace in their struggle for flight. It could be that the peace I was noticing I was finding in myself. Slowing down, not anyalyizng, letting go, just being. Right now at this moment I have no worries, no stressors, no regrets, no anger, and no fears.This moment is all that matters because I know the the future is not a guarantee. I think maybe I should spend a little more time watching butterflies. I have a runny nose but I can deal with that. :) Lynn:I guess I forgot to cross my fingers and got the cooties!! Tell your little one that girls have cooties too. :)

MY WISH

2006-10-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

MY WISH

Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wishI hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

blockage

2006-10-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

Today was a day of working on the motorcycle and getting the house in order. I was asked Sunday night why I hadn't put up the rest of my pictures or organized my bedroom since I had been there since the beginning of August. I had to think about that one for awhile but the answer that came to me was that I was waiting for someone to help me with it. I had never lived alone before and making something mine is a new concept for me. So today I decided to make the apartment mine. I put up all the pictures where I wanted them, set up my bed frame and redecorated. It felt really good to do this, to make this space mine. I was also asked Sunday night why I was so blocked. She said that when she looked at me that was all she could see. This got into a discussion about my fear of failure and that I am working on putting that to rest. Which is very true I don't feel so afraid of trying things anymore worried that I cant succeed. I am tired of failing because I am afraid to fail. She said that while she understood that she thought that was ridiculous just because she sees so much more in me than that. As she said that and I think about it now I agree with her but not because someone else sees an intelligent, beautiful, special woman, with so much to offer but because I actually see it in myself. I don't need anyone's else's validation. It is nice to hear but I can actually look in the mirror and say those things to myself. She wanted to know what else was there. (Cops.. and I thought I asked alot of questions.) I told her that I was just getting over a relationship that I didnt want to end and that while I realized it was over I was just trying to find my way back. I didnt want closeness, intimacy, emotional ties, or anything that might let someone in. I just wanted to forget. Forget and heal . I was putting my heart back in my pocket and while I wasnt closing it off for forever I was giving it a rest.
I got a job at one of the local Harley dealerships today. I went in for parts and came out with a job. Im in heaven!!!Everything in the store is sold to employees at cost plus 10% and the discount on the bikes WOW!!! I am still working at getting that job at the attorneys but I can keep the Harley job on the weekends. I want to get a new bike within the year.
Usually I get a new tattoo and/or something else symbolic after a breakup. Im behind a little here so I have a new tattoo scheduled for next month. It is going to be a phoenix rising out of the flames headed to the sky. The flames are going to have a symbolism to them that I am going to keep to myself but the phoenix is going to be on my left shoulder. I have a Chinese dragon on my right and I am going to have the Chinese symbol redone. The symbol stands for chaos. I believe that to be a pretty good analogy of life . That everything starts from chaos and is developed from there and that chaos is still a part of tranquility like yen is to yang. They compliment each other and to know one you have to know the other. Well I have known and lived both.

a fun day

2006-10-16T06:17:00.000-04:00

Had a really good day yesterday. it was O-towns Gay pride parade. Granted it was no San Fran pride but is was all we had. I rode my motorcycle in the parade with a couple of friends which was a absolute blast. But Im jumping ahead. It started out with me meeting my friend Jan down at a local rest. for brunch. I woke up feeling like absolute crap, it seems that I have managed to acquire that horrid little bug that has been going around. Yet I had been looking forward to this day so I sucked it up. This is when things started to get a little weird. I rode down to meet her at about 945. I was enjoying taking the curves and just enjoying being out and when I came up to a stop light, a lady behind me honked. I didn't think anything of it because people do that all the time. I turned around to wave and she said " you'll get rid of it, I have it to .do you drink? and I said I was having trouble hearing because of the motor and I had a head cold and maybe I should start drinking to kick it.she then said You aren't afraid are you? And I said of riding? and she she just smiled. I told her of riding no but I do have some other fears. And she just smiled. Weird huh? I went on to meet Jan and told her about it and we kinda laughed but it stuck in the back of my head about that bizarre conversation. I mean how random?
At brunch there were 8 of us they were either fire fighters, EMT's, cops, one teacher, a hair salon owner anyway all professionals. It was so nice sitting around around having adult conversations. My last girlfriend of long term was 14 years younger than me and I was up in Tallahassee at FSU so everyone that we associated with was of college age. It was just really nice to sit around and chat with people that actually were in the same place in life as myself (or at least where I want to go). after brunch we went back to kristins house and chatted then they went to play softball and Jan and I rode down to the parade kick off. The parade was such a blast saw so many people I knew and managed to get through the parade without adding anyone on to my bike. I was having so much fun just hotroding that I didn't want anyone riding bitch. Actually I did ask one girl to ride but she was hanging out with her mom and friends so she said no. Jan wasn't able to pick anyone up because her girlfriend wouldn't have appreciated that too much. LOL Anywho when we were done going through the parade we pulled over to watch the rest. Then we decided to go grab some lunch and drinks. While we were headed down some cobble stone streets I saw some friends that I wanted to say hello to. I started to turn around but my tires and road was wet so when that happened my tire slipped and I ended up dumping the bike. Luckily I ended up on top of my bike so when it went sliding I wasn't underneath it. Ended up breaking my shifter and tail light off, my scratched my derby cover all up and my primary case is leaking cause the seal is broken now. Eveything I can fix myself so Im grateful about that and that the only thing hurt was my pride. Pride cometh before the fall right? It comes before but it doesn't coushin it. LOL I rode my bike home and just said screw it and I rode with Jan back downtown to the festivities. We forgot all about eating and decided to go straight to the beer. Now I have had probably 3 beers in the past 8 months so needless to say it didn't take much. After 2 or 3 I wasn't feeling much pain. Finally we hooked up with some of our other friends and decided to get something to eat. There was a lady that was there and her name was Deb. She is older than me but we ended up talking for most of the time at dinner. After that it was getting a little late so everyone left except for Deb and I so we went over to a bar central Station where a friend of mne works and hooked up with her and her boyfriend. The four of us left there and went to another bar downtown where I ran into a old friend. Its so weird I cant remember where I know her from but we used to hang out all the time and she knows stuff about me that I cant remember. The closest I can pinpoint it to was back when I was 20. Because she was talking about the clubs we went to and the people we hung out with. If it was back then it is no wonder I don't remember her. I don't think I slept with her LOL. Anyways after hanging out with Lindsey, her bf and Deb I decided to head home. Deb and I ended up talking for a couple of hours. About what I wanted out of life and about how I analyze things. It went on to becoming a full fledged interrogation about thoughts and feelings. Part of her job is to be able to read people so it was rather interesting to get her take on the working of my mind. I find it really interesting when people try to read me. It is almost a challenge of sort. I was impressed by the accuracy of what she came up with. Anyway Ill save that for another blog because this is getting too long. I just so enjoyed the day where I wasn't the oldest one around and there were people that were intelligent, upfront, no bullshit drama, not judging, trying to get something from me, using me to make people jealous, established, and just plain fun.

thinking again

2006-10-13T20:53:00.000-04:00

no big surprise but I have been thinking again. Actually more reflecting then anything but this is what I came up with. I was going over our conversation today and thinking about what I could have done different with the Christine situation and something occurred to me. This happened back in April this is October now. I believe that when I started to realize what this actually meant to her I took care of it. For those of you who are scratching your heads the rundown is that my ex of 6 years had started calling me again and was very remorseful about the things she had done to me. There were a few times that she called very late at night in tears and wanted to talk. One time she had said that if things didn't work out with S that she wanted me back. I told her that I was never going to leave S and that I understood what she was saying but that she had her chance and I was with the one I loved. After that conversation she didn't bring that up anymore and actually was very supportive of S and I. But S had issues with Chris and said that she was being disrespectful and was just waiting in the wings and that I was keeping the door open for her. She requested that I put Chris out of my life until she could feel secure enough knowing that Chris respected our relationship. I didn't do that. I had been with Chris for almost 6 years and still loved her. In love ?no. wanted to be with her? no. In fact any conversation Chris and I had I told S about. If there was something that was going on I wouldn't have been so open. S and I had only been in a relationship for a couple of months and I didn't see the reason to put Chris out of my life that and I didn't know how to either. She wasn't being disrespectful and I saw it as S putting her issues on me when she should have trusted me to tell her the truth. I did talk to Chris and told her to not call for awhile and to let me call her when things were settled and that she could call if it was important.There was another incident with another girl flirting with me but we were told by a friend mutual friend that she was harmless and when she did start to obviously disrespect our relationship I took care of that as well. I am not a cheater and had never given her any reason to think I was. Now all his started in April and S is still angry about it and says that this is when her feelings started to change. It kinda seems to me that this is an excuse for us not being together. Not saying that she didn't have valid reason to be upset and given her history I can understand the insecurities. But I was talking about us having a family in a year or so down the line and getting married. I was planning a future with her. I had even said when Im done with schooling she could go back to get her Masters and I would support us. Why would I make all these plans if that's not what I wanted? Why is she still holding on to that when I did take care of things. If it was so major that her feelings were changing we should have taken care of that. She said that sometimes you can love someone but cant be with them. I don't believe that. I think its that you don't want to be with them. P.T. I go back to your question how dirty are you willing to get your hands to have a clean heart. I was willing to do whatever it took I just didn't understand how to hear her. Maybe a more appropriate statement would have been sometimes you can love someone and not be with them right now. I can agree with that. She says that she changed since March but in June and July we were talking about a future, our future. I thnk maybe she hasnt changed so much as her fears were starting to surface and things that were happening were just a little to scarey for her to deal with. I don't get it, I dont think she really does either. she said we are beating a dead horse I dont see it that way I dont thimk we really addressed any of the core issues that went wrong with us but maybe she doesnt want to. This doesnt explain why she cries when she gets close to me, why she needed to be close to me and more importantly why this is really happening. I guess I may never know those answers but I hope she figures them out for herself so she can heal. Lord knows I am asking myself enough questions for the both of us but the answers she needs only she can figure out.Im asking myself those same questions and eventually Ill figure it out. I need to know those answers so next time I can do something different and so I can get to know myself a little better.

Have to stop

2006-10-13T17:16:00.000-04:00

I have to stop this. I keep thinking what if... what if isn't important anymore. What if frogs had glass asses? All I need to do is think about what I can do to make myself o.k. I keep thinking that if I had done something different that things wouldn't be where they are right now.Odds are they probably would have but I do wonder. I have to remember that this isn't all my fault, it takes two. Maybe things could have been headed off if she had handled things differently. Granted I wasn't hearing her but it wasn't because I didn't want to we were just speaking two different languages.See here I go again trying to figure it out. I need to stop this because i wont be able to. It just is. This need to figure things out is part of my problem.
I understand that she needs to not compromise herself and I understand that she needs to be with someone that hears her. I wish there was a way that I could convince her that she could have all that from me but there isn't. If she wanted to she would give me that chance, if she wanted to we could work things out and if she let me i could hear her and give her what she asks for. But... but that isn't the case.This obviously snt what she wants or maybe its what she wants but doesnt think she can have. Even if there was a way to tell her eveything I dont think she would believe it, this isnt where she wants to be. she doesnt want to risk it. Yet this isn't the place either one of us needs to be. We both have healing to do. The only thing I can show her is that I am respecting what she has asked for which is to let things settle. This is so difficult just because I don't like surprises like this. I don't like not knowing and i don't like hurting or being hurt. The only thing left is to leave this up to fate and time. If this was meant to be it will be but in the mean time it is time to let go. Let go for her and to let go for me. I realize that it seems like I keep saying that, maybe its to convince myself. But I do know its time. Seems like I have been doing alot of letting go recently, leting go and taking new directions. I dont want to run away I just want to get away. There is a difference I think, maybe Im just rationalizing. I think I am going to take a trip next month back to Calf. My friends from Calf. will be here for 10 days on business and I think Ill chat with them about going and seeing them over Thanksgiving break. Then in Dec. I think Ill go back to Denmark and look for some job opportunities. Who the fuck knows what is going to happen. My only control I have over my life right now is the general direction it is going but I have to idea where it is headed. I am nowhere close to where I thought I was going to be 5 months ago. maybe i should look at this as a giant adventure, maybe one day I can but right now its just scarey. I want to be sure where I am headed in my career,I want to be working on a family, I want my girlfriend back, i want us to be back to where we were both on the same page, I want eveything to be back in its each little box so I knew exactly what was going on and where it was going. I want, I want, I want... If you have want in one hand and shit in the other the only thing you really have is shit. I used to say be careful what you pray for you get what you put out there and when you do you might be cheating yourself. I might pray for a mercedes but God has a Porsche planned for me. There might be someone better out there for me than her and I could be wasting time trying to make this happen. This part is hard to say but it is also equally true there might be someone better for her as well and I do want her to be happy and to have the best of life and if I cant give it to her I hope she can find the person that can. Since I broke my crystal ball I dont know. I guess its important to stay in the now and just do what I can. Pray more and keeping taking things as they come. I miss my spiritual life, it has been a long time since I have been to church and I do miss the relationshipI used to have with God. I used to pray every night and I have faltered with that. I think its time that I start to redevelop that relationship and turn things backover to him. I always do so much better when Im not trying to control things. let go and let God is what i was told the other day. If left up to me ill try to put a square peg in a round hole if i think it should fit. This needs to stop and I have a feeling that some of those other issues will go away as well as soon as I stop trying to control. So at the risk of sounding God crazy i am going to pray tonight, Im ging to pray that she finds the happiness that she is looking for and that she gets everything out of life she is seeking. Im going to ask for guidence, direction and the strength to follow that. I believe this is a good start.

what is done is done

2006-10-13T14:30:00.000-04:00

So I gave in and called her today. I know it wasn't a great idea but I just felt as though I needed to get some things off my chest and get some answers. I did get some answers and it did help yet there are still things I don't understand. She said that it started back when I didn't hear what she was saying about Christine. I didn't give her what she asked for by putting Chris aside. She felt disrespected and it brought back all sorts of issues that she had lived with for four years. That's when her feelings started to change for me. She said that she wasn't saying this to make me blame myself but that is when she started to change. Even though I know that I didn't do anything on purpose to disrespect her or make her feel less than but that was the consequence. The first thought is that it is my fault but in reality it isn't. I was handling the situation the only way I knew how and it happened to step on her issues toes. How she interpreted the situation could have been different. However it happened it happened. I need to stop going over this in my mind trying to find a reason. What is is what is and what happened is done. The only thing that is going to happen by me going over this with a magnifying lens is that I am going to drive myself crazy. So Im going to stop. I wanted so badly to tell her that things could be different, I wanted so badly to tell her that I would never put anyone in front of her again, I wanted so badly to ask for another chance. But I didn't. I cant. I wont.As much as it hurts I have to respect her and more importantly myself. I keep saying and I keep being told that if it is meant to be it will be. This brings little to no comfort for me. I guess time will tell and if she comes back into my life then it is meant to be. I just cannot hold onto any hope or possibility of that happening.
she said she has already gone through what I am going through now. Im glad she is already seeing the other side.
I bounce back and forth between wanting to say fuck it and just giving up and holding on to some extent. Wanting to believe that maybe things will be different and we can have another chance. I know that sounds really pathetic and I bounce back and forth but that's how I work I guess. Im a libra and I always go back and forth until I find the balance. I just don't want to believe that she could have changed so much, that our love could have changed so much. I am happy for her that she has gotten in touch with the fact that she needs to not compromise herself.
She again expressed a desire for space and I know I have to honor that. We cant be just friends right now but Im sure that eventually we will be again. I cant imagine her not in my life yet I also cant imagine her as anything else other than my partner either. I know that in time this too shall pass. It is nothing I haven't been through before. I do know I don't want to be angry, and it is time to continue to work on getting on with things. The truth is life goes on whether she is here or not.
I went through my phone the other day and cleared out phone numbers of people that I didn't want in my life anymore. I am trying to surround myself with friends that want the same things out of life and and don't create drama. I need my friends close right now. It is time for a house cleaning.

side note to the whatever blog

2006-10-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

Side note to the whatever blog

In my last blog I wrote about texting her and asking her to come over and my motives for doing so. I feel the need to explain a little about that. to say I had a shit day was an understatement. I felt as though my brain had all it could take. I dont do drugs, rarely drink and an old escape for me was sex. just felt as though I needed to get away and I knew that having her come over was a way to do that. I knew I couldnt, nor did I want to go to anyone else beause I didnt want to share that with anyone else, also I knew she could take me to a place that I needed to go. I didnt want to be made love to, I didnt want to share feelings I just wanted to get away and in the process possibly have a little closure. she had said that she was surprised that i wasnt fucking her out of my mind. I used to do that, out of a relationship into anothers bed. I guess I was trying to do that but just with her. I wanted to be able to let go of eveything. I wanted her to not stop when i asked her to, I wanted her to continue on even if cried, I wanted us to have angry sex. Thats what I was wanting. A chance to cleanse ourselves. it wasnt meant as disrespectful, degrading, offensive or anything negative it was something that just was. It was an old behavior and I was just seeking comfort and reflief in pretty much the only way I could think of. Healthy? I dont know but I do know it works. It is a mute point now but I just wanted to explain. I wrote about it because it was on my mind and I was upset with myself for even asking that of her.

whatever

2006-10-12T00:25:00.000-04:00

O.k so I have no more blogs in the closet. I should know better than to get on here when Im upset. I have a tendenacy to just go off at the brain and spew all sorts of mushy stuff all over these pages and in the end loose any self respect or dignity that I have managed to salvage. When am I going to learn? How could I have been so wrong? Are my instincts so far off? Maybe my head was so lost in what I wanted to happen that I couldnt see the reality of what was actually in my face. I got the phone call again today saying that I should just go on with my life and not wait. That I deserved more and she didnt know if she was in love with me or if she could ever go back to being in love. The same story as five weeks ago. After the talk I went to work just to be told that my scheduling was incompatible with them and they thought it best that we part company. On top of that trying to fight off that damn bug that is going around. I guess it comes in three's.
She was right about one thing that is that I deserve so much more.The problem was I didnt realize that until tonight. Anywho in my pathetic little state before I came to this realization I texted her and asked her to come over. I didnt want to talk I just wanted her to fuck me. Blunt but to the point. I wanted to just go away for a little bit. To escape and then say goodbye. I didnt even get that. I did get a fucking but not the one I wanted.
I told her that I needed her to look me in the eye and tell me it was over before I could move on, I dont need that anymore. I get it now. I tend to be a pretty logical person I believe that for whatever we do we have a reason and I just couldnt understand why she couldnt tell me she wasnt in love with me. I told her that if she told me that I would go away, be done and she could have what she wanted. She cant do it maybe the reason she cant is that she still is in love with me or maybe she doesnt have a spine either and just cant face me, or maybe she is totally done and just doesnt want to deal with it. For whatever the reason it doesnt matter anymore.What bothers me so much is that I let myself stay in a position that continued to make me vunerable. I gave her all my power and she didnt deserve to have it. She couldnt handle it.The problem is when I love I give myself completely maybe the answer is to not do that anymore. I gave her control over my life. I was allowing her to make the decissions about what was going to happen. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
When am I going to learn to listen to what people are telling me. She told me 5 weeks ago the same stuff she said now and the whole time I continued to believe that she was just scared and this really wasnt what she wanted, that in time she would regret this and i just wanted to salvage something we might be able to have. I guess i was looking so deeply into trying to find the positive motives to this that I let myself get sucked in. this whole time i was making excuses for why she was doing the things she was doing. She was just scared thats why she was doing this, she just has issues but she really wants to be with me, she is just afraid of loving again but she will come around, this really isnt what she wants. Its not that I dont want to be single, its not that Im afraid to be alone or that I need to have someone there to feel good. what it is is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to make it work, I wanted to believe that she felt the same, I didnt want to do this all again. well here I go again and it is going to be just fine because I have leared from this. I finally have wised up, grown a spine and decided to get some balls. I do deserve so much more and why the hell would I want to stay in a situation with someone that doesnt know if she wants or is able to give me that. I have so much to give why throw it to someone that doesnt it want or appreciate it. I was willing to wait and I was willing to work things out but finally it has sinked in that there is nothing that needs to waited for or worked out. It has also become painfully obvious that there is no place left for me in her life or heart or for her in mine. She said I couldnt be just her friend and I agree for right now anyway. I appreciate all the bones she threw me about caring deeply for me, and not knowing for sure what she wants and doesnt want to play the come here go away game, she just wants me to be happy, all the lines ,but she can keep all that because i dont need them. Yes I am a little angry right now but this is exactly where I need to be. The whole situation sucks. Im mostly angry at myself for not handeling this better before. I should have found my spine and walked away 5 weeks ago and not looked back.
I find it interisting about me losing my job. Im not upset about it at all really. It wasnt where I wanted to be or anything that I wanted to be doing. Its funny how the universe gives us exactly what we need when we need it. I wasnt happy there so it got taken away. I said said before that its funny how the universe has a way of taking care of things the trick is keeping out of the way so miracles can happen. Thats what is going on in my life right now. So many changes so much growth. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and I want to put the brakes on but then I look as to where I am going and what surprises are waiting. Maybe Ill take my friends up on some of their offers and spread my wings a little. I just know Im going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and see what happens next.

My night with Ms. Jenny

2006-10-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

Mother Rick and his husband are out on the town tonight. They have a Tuesday ritual of Bingo at Parliment House, not to be confused with balcony bingo. They usually can only stay for an hour or so due to the fact the Ms. Jenny cant be alone for that long of time and all they do is worry when they are away. Ms. Jenny is an 85 year old lady that Rick takes care of and has taken care of for multiple years. Anyway she cant be left alone which leaves Rick to a homebound existence. I got off work around 1230 today and volunteered to sit with Ms. Jenny so mamma and papa bear could have a night out. Ms. Jenny and I watched T.V and hung out with the dogs and I listened to hear talk about the man in the corner( I didn't see him but she did) It has been a nice quiet night. Tater and Bamse got a bath, everybody is walked and fed. They have called three times to make sure everything was o.k and to thank me for sitting with her. Hell its the least I could do for them after everything they do for me. Im just waiting for them to get home so I can get into my own bed and have a good night sleep. I have a busy day tomorrow that consists of a physical for a job, school and then work. Tomorrow will start at about 0800 and I should be done around 2200 if I cant get away sooner. Anywho Im going to head back to the sofa, put my feet up and if I fall asleep the boys will throw a blanket over me and Ill sleep here. Kinda wanted to be home, I feel as though Im missing something.

Time

2006-10-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

On Time

John Milton

Fly, envious Time, till thou run out thy race,

Call on the lazy leaden-stepping hours,

Whose speed is but heavy plummet's pace;

And glut thy self with what thy womb devours,

Which is no more than what is false and vain,

And merely mortal dross;

So little is our loss,

So little is thy gain.

For when as each thing bad thou hast entomb'd

And last of all thy greedy self consum'd,

Then long eternity shall greet our bliss

With an individual kiss;

And joy shall overtake us as a flood,

When every thing that is sincerely good

And perfectly divine,

With truth, and peace, and love shall ever shine

About the supreme throne

Of him, t' whose happy-making sight alone,

When once our heav'nly-guided soul shall clime,

Than all this earthly grossness quit,

Attir'd with stars, we shall for ever sit,

Triumphing over Death, and Chance, and thee, O Time.

Everybody was putting poetry up so I decided to follow suit. I love this poem and read it often. We have nothing but time, there needs to be no rush or hurry. Everything comes in its own time and in the end is the great reward for our paitence.

whispering

2006-10-09T22:44:00.000-04:00

i dont understand what your afraid of. Is it that your afraid that you wont be able to love me as much as you would like? Is it that your afraid of getting hurt again? Please tell me. I know it isnt that you dont love me with eveything you have. Do you not think you have anything to give? You do have something to give. You already have given it. the heart that you dont think is there I feel. Everytime I touch you it beats faster. is it that you are worried that I see into your soul? I wouldnt be able to if you didnt want me to. I love you so much and i dont understand why you are running. You come back for a few days and then you disappear again, telling me you need me to whisper again. I am whispering it is you that is shouting. I hear you even though you dont call. I am thinking about you right now and I know it is because you are thinking about me. I feel you right now and it is because you are feeling me. We are joined. I know you want to be here. You just have to get hungry then you will come over again. You will get hungry because there is no one else that can feed your heart and soul like I do. You need my touch like I need yours. Is that what scares you so much? You dont ever want to put yourself in that position because you dont want to get hurt again? Your touch is like food and water. I can survive for a time without them but eventually I have to partake. I wish you were able to just come back and be in my arms. I wish you would call so we can talk. I miss you so much. Will you come back again? Just call and tell me where you are. I need to know. Are you trying to get over me? What are you doing?

Interview

2006-10-09T18:44:00.000-04:00

Interview went really well today with one exception. The job is in Kissimmee which is about 30 min. From my house. I left today 2 hours early to make sure I had enough time to get down there because I didn't want to be late. Turns out they do the interviewing at the downtown Orlando Court House, five mins. From my house. I ended up getting there about 5 min. late but called to let them know I was leaving their kissimmee office. Thankfully she was tied up in a meeting and ws running late. Saved!! She made a joke about me going all the way to the other office and I told her I was just practicing the drive for when I got the job. After the interview she invited me back for a second interview with some of the other attorneys. Keeping my finger crossed( and toes and legs,etc.) I need to go shoping again because I cant wear the same outfit again. I was so happy trying on dress pants. A size 10 is almost too big for me. ROCK ON!!!
I found out last nght by that phone call for one of those people that I had been directly lied to. She was telling me about a conversation she had with the other one and I asked her directly if she had told this other person anything about what I had said to her and she said no.She said what I told her was in cinfidence and she would never say anything. That this other person knows we talk but never is any content revealed. BULLSHIT!! Now I know for a fact that both of them are liars. I knew before that one of them was but now it is confirmed they both are. This should be my last entry about this but it just bothers me that people have to be so... so... too many adjectives just pick one. as I said before POOF be gone.

only if

2006-10-08T22:43:00.000-04:00

Im going to be there when you are ready. Im going to be there because that is where i want to be. I dont want someone else, I dont want to get on with my life without you. I know you have demons but you can work through them while I stand by your side while you conquer them. I know in my heart and soul that we are meant to be together. You are the shadow to my soul. you are the one that i have been searching for and I am the one you have sought. Take all the time you need to fight those demons. There is no rush we will have a lifetime together. I will not budge. The only thing that will make me move is for you to tell me that you dont love me. If you can tell me that then i will go. But know this as I go I leave behind my love that will be there still for the love I have for you is endless. The only reason thatI say this is because you cant tell me you dont love me. You cant tell me that you love me any less deeply than I love you. The only difference is that you are scared. I saw the way you looked at me when you were here the other night. the look in your eyes as we were kissing. You were here with me and you were mine. We were joined at our souls again and it brought you joy. I know you wont run again because you said you wouldnt. you are just trying to find a way to let yourself express to me what you feel. We are intense, that is a perfect word . We are just intense. So now I wait. I wait for you to call because you need for me to whisper again. If that is what you need my love then I will whisper. Whisper and wait for you to lean in again. Wait for you to come, to be just a little more brave. I can hear your thoughts and feel your feelings just like you can with me. There is nothing I can hide from you or you from me and that scares you. It scares me too. It scares me because what if Im wrong about all of this and you dont come back I will be lost. When you were sick you called me first. it was so nice to be able to take care of you. He said you needed me, I dont think it was a need as much as a want. The time we spent together was so precious to me. i figured I wouldnt hear from you for a couple of days just because it scared you how easy it was to have me back in your life. Thats O.K. I wish i could mend your heart as easily as your cold. If you would let me, if you would be willing to risk just a little maybe I could help mend it a little. If you just realized the love we have for each other and have a litle faith that it is real maybe your heart could mend just a tad. I know i cant fix it but just maybe i could be the spark that starts the fire. if only you would let me.

Interview tomorrow

2006-10-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the interview and Im pretty much ready. I have my clothes laid out, my papers together in my briefcase and I have it planned out how to get there. I am a little anxious but I figure what's the worst that can happen? Iwont get the job? Big deal. That just means there is a better one out there for me. Not to mention how could they not love me? Trying to keep a positive attitude and keep those fears tucked away it is a little difficult but it gets easier with each passing day. I remember what P.T said in a comment before, " that its all about me." It really is all about me. Im just discovering the truth behind that. Granted there is no overnight change but an adjustment in the positive is a good thing.
I got a phone call today from one of those people that the previous not so nice blog was addressed to. All about calling me honey, sweetie and wanting to know when we can spend some time together. PLEASE!! Then she tells me the other one is moving in with her next week. Whatever, I guess misery really does love company. Anywho Im glad Im not in the middle of that crap anymore. She kept asking me for information about the going ons in my life and I just told her I hadn't heard a thing and don't have a clue what's going on. Haven't heard a peep. There is no way in hell Im going to open a door for more interference from anyone. That is one mistake that I will never make again and one thing I will not tolerate.
Went shopping today to get a new outfit for tomorrow. I have lost so much weight nothing fits. I guess its better to go looking for clothes that need to be smaller than larger. Wish that I had taken someone with me to help me pick things out. Im generally pretty good about matching and stuff but a second opinion would have been nice and comforting.

a great day of nothing really

2006-10-08T00:19:00.000-04:00

Today was a really good day. To start off with I stayed in bed until about 1130. That was great!! Then I spent the afternoon at mother Rick house and while he babysat my wonderful dog Bamse I went down to the pool for a little sun.In the past I would never go to an apartment pool because I thought I was too fat and was to insecure to get around those that hung around apartment pools but I dont feel that way today. I have lost another 2 pounds and I look damn good. For the first time in a long while when I look in the mirror I actually like what I see.
When M.R babysits Bamse spends her time with Tater. Mother Rick has this boxer named Tater. Tater and Bamse are madly in love. I think its just sex for bamse but don't tell Tater. I wont go into all the details of their sexual encounters but lets just say they get more action then I do right now.(which pisses me off, no I'm not bitter. I know hate the game not the player) Anyway when we leave Tater cries as we go out the door. bamse is perfectly happy to go home.( wonder where she got that from?) It is so bizarre. anywho back from the tangent. I then went over to my Aunt Renettes house for dinner. Her and her partner Ramona had a cook out and baked a cake. I swear I am so lucky that I have all these wonderful people in my life that like to feed me. Aunt Rennette has known me for about 11 years. Its kinda cool all these people that I had known for such a long time are back in my life. None of them are my biological family but definitely my chosen one. I have been very blessed with a very close and wonderful biological family and a chosen family that just ROCKS!!! Tonight we just sat out on her porch and watched the clouds roll in and the sun set . The sky was so beautiful tonight. There was tons of heat lightening and quite a few bolts as the storm came in right behind the sunset. We then played a board game called therapy. Maybe you know it P.T.? LOL It was a fun game, now I am finally home to get ready for work tomorrow.

Porn

2006-10-06T22:32:00.000-04:00

So I have never written anything like this before and I probably wont again but it seems to be constantly on my mind so what the hell. I would call this a porn blog so this is fair waning that if you have issues stop reading now.
She calls me saying she wants to come over to talk but I know the real reason she is coming over. When she arrives there are no words that need to be spoken. I grab her and pull her into my bedroom and throw her to the bed. I pull out my handcuffs and cuff her tying the cuffs to the bed so she knows that the only option left is to surrender. I pull out my knife and slowly cut off the wife beater she has on. Then comes the bra. She knows she can trust me. I drag the knife across her breasts and down her chest to her pants. I pull off her pants then cut away her thong, gently pulling the pieces out from under her. After I have her naked I turn her over. I don't want to look at her or her at me. I tie her legs down so she cant turn over. I want her totally at my will, I know what she wants. She wants to give herself to me but she needs to feel like I am taking her she. I lean down and whisper in her ear, what do you want? She doesn't need to answer because I already know. I run my hands over her body exploring every inch of her. Then I lay down besides her and tell her everything I am doing to myself. I make her listen while I satisfy myself. I put my fingers in her mouth so she can taste me, taste what she so desperately wants and craves. I move my hand down between her legs and she is so wet. She raises her hips trying to meet my touch but I pull my hand away. I untie and uncuff her so I can turn her over.I start kissing the back of her neck working my way down her back until my lips rest between her legs tasting her. I have so longed to taste her but this wasn't about savoring the moment . She didn't want me to make love to her she wanted me to fuck her. As my tongue teased her clit I slipped my fingers inside her. Not all the way but just enough to tease her. The more she moved her hips the deeper I went inside her. She was getting so hard and I could tell she was getting close to cuming. I move away from her clit and shove my tongue as deep inside of her as I can. I can tell she is so close so I move up to kiss her. I want her to taste herself on my lips. I move her hand down to her clit so I can be inside her when she is cuming. We both love that. The closer she gets the harder I fuck her. Pushing my fingers so deep in side her. I tell her to bite me. She sinks her teeth into my shoulder but it isn't hard enough. I want the pain. I want her to bite me so it hurts. I want to take the pain that she feels inside. She tells me that she is starting to cum. Come on baby give it all to me let it go. She starts to scream that she is cuming. I love to watch her cum. How she leans her head back and grasps for air. I love to listen to her cum. Who am I kidding I love everything about our sex. My whole body can feel what she is doing. Its as though I am the one getting fucked but we just have that connection. I cant wait until she comes back over to talk again.

anxiety. what fun? NOT

2006-10-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

So Im driving down the road and my feet and hands start sweating, Im getting dizzy I feel like crying. I also feel as though I have to throw up and use the toilet. My head is spinning but not like I just got off a roller coaster but like I cant stop my brain from going on circles. My legs are weak and I feel as though if I stood up they would come out from under me. I know it isnt anything physical because just 3 months ago I had a CAT and MRI done which came back normal. So what the hell is this? Im prettty sure is an anxiety thing. That is really hard for me to say because it make me feel weak and stupid but when there isnt anything else you have to look at the obvious. I didnt sleep hardly a wink last night and I am worried about school. Not that I need to be Im doing great. I got a call today from the P.D officefor the job I had applied for. I have a interview Monday. What the hell do I have to be stressed about things are going well. Im focused on what I need to be doing, taking care of myself. So what gives? What gives is that I am scared to death. I am so scared of failing. Just writing this I am in tears. I know in my mind that I am capeable of so much but I dont know if I can do it. Im at the point now that I dont have a choice but I have to try because Im not able to stay where I am but it has me absolutely terrified. What if I dont get this job, what if I finish school and Im horrible at this, what if I fail misrabley with the LSAT's? yet I am so tired of setting myself up to fail just so I wont be disappointed when I do. It just occured to me that this isnt the first time I have done this. I have been scheduled before to take the written exam to work with the State Department as a foreign service officer and each time I didnt even crack a book to prepare. The last two times I signed up for it I didnt even make it to the exam because of some silly excuse that kept me from making it. Now I am actually on a path to make things different in my life and I believe that realization has finally hit me like a mac truck. I think also that she plays a role in this. She has always told me that I can do so much more and has always supported me with whatever I want to do . My issue is that I am so afraid I will let her down, and not just her but me, us. Even though there is no official us I still want to make a life that we can share in and I am so scared that I wont be able to. I feel like such a pathetic person. Saying that Im sure doesnt help anything but makes things worse. Where the hell did my backbone go, why cant I shake this, when does it stop?

hope, faith belief

2006-10-04T15:32:00.000-04:00

Hope is the first step then faith then belief. You have to have a hope things will change before they then when you get a glimmer of light that things might actually be changing you have faith. When you can actually see the results then you have belief.Faith is almost like a sunrise. Faith is belief just without the evidence. When it is so darkout in the dead of night you hope that the sun will be rising to shed light. Then things start to get a little less dark, the moon has moved across the sky and it isn’t so dark this is where faith comes in, you haven’t seen the sun rise yet so you don’t believe but you have heard of the sunrise so you have faith that it is coming. You start to see the beginning of what you have hope and faith is indeed the sunrise. Then you wait. You start to see the sun poke its beams above the horizon and it is not so dark out anymore. There is the sun now you see the workings of your hope and faith. Now you believe.

The Balls of Some People!!

2006-10-03T01:33:00.000-04:00

This evenening I learned a valuable lesson that thankfully was caught in time. There are some people in this world that like to make you feel as bad as they do. I was talking with someone that most people didn't think I would chat with again and as we chatted the truth started coming out as to what other people had been telling us we had supposedly said. Follow that? Basically these certain individuals are so unhappy with their pathetic little lives that they feel it necessary to share their miserable existence with the rest of us. Two people that have always been honest with other and are just trying to find their way. WHAT THE FUCK!!! These people have perfected the art of misery. Just because they are incapable of having an honest relationship without all the childish games they feel it their duty to spread their infestation of jealousy, drama and for lack of an eloquent adjective BULLSHIT! How can people that are supposedly called friends behave in such a manner? I guess the saying goes " misery loves company" but I am asking this guest to leave. I have no room in my life for people like this. I have too many others that care and love me, I have too much love for myself and the other person to tolerate this facade and complete waste of time. How dare you interfere with us! How dare you under the camouflage of friendship attempt to cause hurt! POOF~!!! BE GONE!!

The day after

2006-10-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

I woke up yesterday with a new outlook and vision of life. I put my notice in at my jog with the faith that I will meet my goal of working in a law office in a couple of weeks. I just decided that life is too short to spend it doing something you don't enjoy. That and Im not getting any younger. I put out 2 more resumes and I have a friend calling a friend to see about getting me put into a position. I guess its a lot of who you know and not just what you know. After work I went over to Mother Ricks house and he cooked me a wonderful brunch and I spent some time with him and his husband. Then I went home picked up my motorcycle and took it over to get checked out. When that was done I decided to pamper myself a little and went and out my hair cut and a waxing. Then I went for dinner to a little restaurant by myself then home to bed to take a nap to rest up for the evening. After my nap I went over to a friends house to go to a party. After a couple of vodka martinis( not me I behaved) we all decided to go to Canada at the end of this month for 4 days. After hanging out there we all decided to go to a local bar and dance. I usually hate going to this bar but it was really the only good place to go and I wanted to dance. Actually I don't hate going its just that there isn't anything there I am looking for. I can go when Im with a group and have a good time but other than that I don't see the point. My ex enjoys going and I would have gone just because she liked to but I always felt as though I didn't fit in anymore the people that are there are a lot younger and enjoy being bar flies. That's not what I want out of my life. Anyway enough on the bar. I actually felt really good and I danced a lot. We hung out there for awhile then decided to carry on somewhere else. I ended up getting home about 330 or so. After sleeping in today I took the bike out again went over to Ricks for breakfast, went for a long ride and then down to the softball fields to watch my friends play. I had a beer(I know this is the second day in a row I had been drinking but just a few)decided to head on home to do homework, this, and then out for dinner plans.I so enjoyed being on the bike these past couple of days. I feel like I am getting the life back in me. I feel healthier, having more confidence in myself and have a vision of where I am going and where I want to be.
I think I can say I finally get it. I had such a hard time understanding what she was going through when she said she was depressed. I had never been there so I just didn't get it. I guess when you walk a mile in someone else's shoes you really do understand things differently. I couldn't understand why she just couldn't be happy and use the love she had for me and I for her to help. I didn't understand that even the little things in life couldn't bring her happiness. I do now. After experiencing not wanting to get out of bed, hating to go to work, not wanting to ride my bike, go to dog park or spend time friends, waking up crying, not being able to sleep I so get it. It o.k. to be able to have sympathy but when you can have empathy it is a whole new thing. Now that it feels as though I am on the other side I can only wish that she is indeed doing better. I feel so very bad for her that she had to deal with that and I wish I would have been able to understand more before. I guess its that shoes thing again.
I feel as though since it is a new year I am going to do things so differently. So far I have started out with that. I had said yesterday was just another day but I guess it wasn't. At the insistence of others I decided to make it a special day because it is a special day. It was the day that I came into this world and I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me and love me. Im not big into resolution on new years or any other instances but I do like to make themes. So this year of my life the theme is going to be productivity. I know a bizarre theme but thats it. I want to be as productive as I can. Taking actions for my future career, my emotional status, my physical status, etc. Doing what is going to be best for me.

39

2006-09-29T23:38:00.000-04:00

Finally have my head out of the fog. Looking back at the last two bloggs I don't remember writing them, I also didn't remember talking to all the people that I did. They said I was quite humorous. I can only imagine.I checked my texted mail and outgoing calls to make sure I didn't call anyone I shouldn't have. I only recall bits and pieces of Wed. How the hell could anyone want to use that stuff for recreation? I understand the whole numbing but the lack of functioning is crazy.
So in 22 min. It will be my birthday. 39! Mom always said the older you got the faster time flew by. Boy she wasn't kidding. I don't feel 39, I know I don't look 39 but somehow I feel a little older than I did. Maybe it has been all the events that have been occurring in my life or maybe I am just finally absorbing all those life lessons. Whatever the case Im not putting too much stock into it. Im actually working in the morning then my buddy Rick is making me pancakes for brunch, I call him daddy Rick even though its more like mother Rick, then a friend is taking me to a party and then who knows. Probably home to bed cause Ill be old then. LOL Sunday Im going to the beach then to the law library to do some homework.
I talked to My ex Chris tonight for while. She has really grown up in the year we have been broken up. She says she finally realized how much she hurt me and so wants to make up for it. Im watching her dogs for her for the weekend while she is with her grandparents and when I picked up the dogs she kept saying that she was so sorry that I am sad. She really just wants to see me happy. Contrary to the belief of others. It was so nice to have her back as a friend. Just a friend. I told her that it wasn't her job to take care of me anymore and that I was a big girl and she said she knew but felt as though it was the least she could do considering she was such an asshole for such a long time. I could'nt disagree with her her about that. It really made me feel good. Tonight we talked about all the things she did when we were together. The lying, cheating and making me doubt myself. She admitted to eveything and that I had been right all along. She said that the reason she lied was that she didn't know how to be honest and that by lying about it she thought she was making things easier for me and it didn't occur to her till recently that the honest thing would have been to come clean and not have done them to begin with. It was really relieving to hear from the horses mouth that it wasn't my fault, that I had been right, my instincts weren't wrong and to get an apology. I realize I am very fortunate to be able to have a relationship with her again and to get answeres to questions that were in the back of my mind. It is just one more layer off that has to be dealt with. I think that it was a very nice presant for her to give me.Damn its after midnight im 39 now. wow. last year in the 30's

comfortably numb

2006-09-27T17:27:00.000-04:00

Just woke up from sleeping all day. Still a little woosey though. My friend Rick has me at his house and he is cooking. I cant wait to eat havent had anything solid since Monday night. This demorol is WOW!!! Never had it before, my friend that was with me said we were having a nice long conversation when I came out. Said I chatted with the Dr. and nurses. God I hope I did get myself into trouble.lol I dont remember anything but wanting to put my clothes on and get the heck out of there.I already had my boxers on before they took out the I.V. She said the Dr. said eveyting looked good and we just have to wait to get the biopces back. My throat is a little sore but the other end is o.k. I sound like I just finished smoking a pack of cigs but at least Im not walking funny. Did I mention that Demerol is WOW!! still a little funky but at least it numbed not just my body but my mind as well. I think Im going to go back to sleep until dinner.

No Fun

2006-09-27T08:33:00.000-04:00

This morning I have an event that I am so looking forward to, NOT I have to go get a colonoscopy and a endoscopy (spelling?) done. I guess this means they are getting me coming and going! LOL Anywho at leaast this will put some of the questions to rest. The Dr. thinks it is either bacteria living in me that I picked up in europe or( I just couldnt have brought back a post card) or the fact that I lived in a mold infested house for about 8 months. At least this will narrow that down!!I HOPE !!! Anywho I hate hospitals and I hate being knocked out so this is no fun. I am a little scared but from what I hear this is no big dal. Hell if I can do a heart cathiter this is a piece of cake. Right? Anywho when I get back and am not drugged up Ill write again. At least I hear Ill get good drugs that will help numb me

Tick Tick Tick

2006-09-25T22:58:00.000-04:00

Thinking alot today about where I want to be in five years.What can I do to put myself headed in that direction. I want to be in a career, I want to have a child. Those are the top two. The first is something I want within the next year. The second is something I want within the next 2 years. Having a child is something that I have always wanted but have always put on hold because my partner wasnt ready. Something I have discovered is that I dont want to wait for someone else anymore. I want to do this when I am ready and that is going to be soon. I wanted to be married so my partner and I could do this together but I dont know if that is in the cards. I do know that I am getting up there in age and I dont want to wait to long and regret it later. I guess that biological clock is ticking away. I have a good friend that wants to be the father so in the next year we are going to start the process. I would think I should be scared and there is a little of that but it is mostly excitement. Have talked to alot of friends, those with kids those without, and thankfully I have not gotten anything but support. Except from Janet who always plays the devils advocate and has to " go deeper". I think she is trying to take the psycho therapists job. lol I watch those commercials on t.v for baby toys and I get all chocked up. Anyway I still have to wait to see how the next year is going to play out. Whenever my I used to get these urges one of my ex's would get another kitten for me to take care of. I dont want anymore animals!

The play party

2006-09-25T22:29:00.000-04:00

So I went to the party with Paul. I felt as though I had to just because he had bought the tickets but also to see if there was anything there that I would be interested in. We got there late, or on time if you go by gay standard time, to enter into a bizarre environment. It was a play party so I knew what I was getting into ahead of time but I felt so out of place there. Paul said that I just needed a good beating to help release all that stuff I was carrying around. Paul looks at that lifestyle in a spiritual sense. I used to be able to see things that way, I used to be able to use that lifestyle as a release, as a way to get in touch with my emotions. There is a place called head space that submissive go. To be able to fall into a roll and run with it if you will. The other head space is referred to where a sub goes when they are in the middle of a scene. When the endorphines are being released and the energy is flowing. Sometimes it is referred to as flying. That's the place Im afraid to go. Im not sure as to why. Maybe I've grown so I don't need that maybe Im just scared or maybe I've just found a balance. The last time I visited that place was about 6 1/2 years ago. I had just gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship that sent me spinning. Anywho my friends in the scene and I got together and we had a cleaning ceremony. Without going into too many details Ill just say that it sent me into a space that I wasn't sure I was going to come back from. At the party with Paul I couldn't get into any kind of head space. There were a few that wanted me to play with them, where they would be submissive to me but I didn't want any part of that either. I tried but just couldn't. I think Paul would say Im just not ready to have fun. I ended up leaving about 1/2 hour after I got there. I think that maybe that's a part of my life that I have out grown. At one point in my life I was that person. I was a submissive that loved to play and had an identity of that. That isn't part of who I am now. I enjoy to some extent saving some of that lifestyle in my personal life but I don't need to take it to the extremes that I used to. A little bit can be very HOT!! I often think back to a Valentines Day gift that still brings a smile to my face and a flush to my cheeks. :) Anyway there isn't anyone that I want to participate in that kind of activity with. Well, there is but that isn't an option. I digress, After thinking a little more I think that using that was a way to not only get in touch with my feelings but rushing them away. Feel the hurt, put a physical manifestation to it, release it, be done with it. I don't like to hurt and as P.T. said trying to push the water down the river. Possibly this is the balance that I am constantly searching for. That and maybe I figured being Florida Leather boi wouldn't be something I could put on my resume as community service.

Hard day

2006-09-23T18:54:00.000-04:00

Today has been a hard day. Woke up this morning and just didnt want to get out of bed, so I didnt. I have friends in town for the weekend for a rugby tourney so I forced myself into getting up and taking the motorcycle out to watch them play. I had to get out of the house. I spent a couple of hours hanging out with them reminising about my old glory rugby days at FSU and then decided to go riding. Usually when I go out riding it gives me a chance to clear my head, get my thoughts straight and to just enjoy. Not today. For the first time this didnt happen. I was just out just to get out and it didnt bring me any joy. A frend called me and said I was near his house so I should stop by and see him and we could go riding together. I really didnt want to the only thing I really wanted to do was go home and go back to bed. He was persistant and I had promised him I would go with him to a party tonight so I agreed to meet him. we went for a ride which helped keep my find focused just because he likes to ride fast and I have to pay attention. After lunch and some conversation we met up with some people for the party tonight. I dont want to do anything but stay home. I told my frends in town that I would go out with them tonight, I told Paul I would go to this party with him and Rick wants me to come over later on. Over booked and no desire to do anything. Paul says I need to keep busy but I just dont want to right now. I Maybe I just need a nap.

All Done

2006-09-21T22:53:00.000-04:00

Went to the law library tonight to do some research on an assignment that isn't due until Monday. No big deal you might be saying but this is incredible for me. Not only did I finish the assignment tonight but I also did it before Sunday night or Monday morning!!! I know that this is how things are supposed to be done but I am attempting at putting a little more discipline into my life. I see a goal and instead of sitting back and waiting for it to come to me I am finally taking steps to change behavior that would have sabotaged it before. Some goals for myself that I have set: 1) to not miss any more than 3 classes each this semester. 2) to complete all assignments at least 2 days before they are actually due. 3) To be working in a law firm before the end of next month 4) to get to the beach at least twice a month. 5)put aside at least 4 hours a week for studying for the LSAT. 6) feeling better so I can start to drink again!!! That one isn't quite as important but I really do miss it. I haven't been feeling well for a while so I quit the booze because of that and also because I don't like to drink when Im not happy. I know it doesn't help it just makes things worse. 7) improving on my time management skills. Anywho those are a few of my goals for myself over the next 3 months. So far so good.

the calm

2006-09-19T22:36:00.000-04:00

A calmness today that I havent felt in a while. Something finally clicked today. I had been asked before what would I do if a friend or a my dog was hurting. I answered anything to make them feel better. I was then asked when I looked in the mirror what did I see? I answered I dont look in the mirror only when Im getting ready to go out. I was then asked if i looked in the mirror what would I see. I replied sadness. (This was all before the break up) I was then asked why I would give to my friends and even my dog the love to feel better yet I wouldnt extend that to myself? Good question. Maybe I didnt feel I was worthy of it,maybe I didnt know how, maybe i just never thought of it in the way. I had basically come out of being in relationships for 10 years. The past six years of that trying so hard to get the love I desperately wanted and trying to give the kind of love I was wanting. What clicked today, and I dont know why it happened today, was that I need to love myseslf. So much of my pain has been because I wasnt able to give or get the love that I was looking for. Only because I had been looking in the wrong place. I have been trying to figure out what to do to make myself happy but I also need to love myself. To be able to give to myself the love that I am trying to give to another.I am so willing to give that to another and leave nothing for myself.I know that this isnt going to take away the hurt or make eveything better but i do know that it is o.k. and that I will be o.k. It really is o.k.

broken

2006-09-19T11:23:00.000-04:00

I love talking to my friend Lori. She knows me so well and has always been there for me. Always! When my grandfather died, when A left me, when C and I broke up and now. She knows things and she has yet to be wrong about them with me. She is not afraid to tell me the Gods honest truth even though it might hurt my feeling or not be what I want to hear. We have been having long discussions and she so knows what I am going through right now. She said the pain i am feeling is not just because of this,not because of C but I was broken with A. This was the woman that
I was engaged to get married to, I moved to a foreign country to spend the rest of my life with her just to have her break up with me over the phone while I was back in the states for the summer and have the girl she was cheating on me with move in the day I was gone. I had met C when A and I were still together but we were just friends. I ran right from A to C. No time to heal from a 3 1/2 year relationship but straight into what turned out into a almost a six year relationship. Needless to say when that relationship ended poorly it was a double whammy. I was now facing the hurt that I was feeling from C but also the hurt that i had been avoiding from A. Although getting with C right after A made dealing with the break up easier it enabled me to not get a clear picture about what happened and I wasnt able to mend my heart I just filled in the gap with another love from someone else. Even though it was a long time ago when C and I broke up it brouht back all the thoughts and emotions just I didnt realize it until now that I was never mended. Lori also told me that when you are broken anything good hurts. I can really undestand now. I am trying to fill my heart now with love for myself. it is a hard thing to do, trying to manuver the hurt out and put happiness back in. Lori also shared with me the experience she had. She said that when things ended with her wife that she was broken and a wonderful woman came into her life. Although she loved her dearly it wasnt enough because she was broken. She couldnt accept the good as perfect as it seemed because it just hurt to much. She was still breaking up with her wife and it hurt her because she wanted to give this woman eveything she thought she deserved but just couldnt. It hurt her because she so despertly wanted to but just couldnt. I dont know why A and I didnt work out, but i now know why C and I didnt work out and i a understand now why this last one didnt workout. It didnt have anything to do with the love we had for each other we couldnt see the forest through the trees.

I Wonder

2006-09-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Originally written on the 19th but I decided to sit on it. Decided to publish this one and the other two I had saved in drafts.I decided to follow my own advise that i gave to Lynn. write what you need, write whats on your mind, write to get it out
My friend Lori say it comes in waves with me. Its how my heart works. How well she knows me. I woke up this morning feeling very sad. I guess the events of yesterday and not sleeping well last night caught up with me. Alot of things are running through my mind. I wonder if i pulled away to far,if she is o.k., if she is ever going to call, if she is trying to heal from the last girl that broke her heart with the hope maybe one day we will find our way back, if she is angry with me, does she know that the space she had in my heart is still open,why she is doing things like this, if she knows how much I love her, does she still love me as much as she did,that I am not trying to do anything but respect her wishes, if she knows i am trying to heal too, if she still dreams about me, if those dreams have changed, if she knows I still dream about her. I know i cant call no matter how badly I want, I know I cant go see her no matter how much it hurts not to. This is what she wants and has asked for, she needs to be the first one to make a move.I wonder if she is staying away because she misses me as much as I miss her. I miss her so much.I wonder if she wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to her, I wonder if she blames me, if thats what she needs so be it. I thought by taking the rest of the things back that it would help put closure on things, that I wouldnt think of her everytime I used a dish, or put on a pair of shorts. (I really did like those shorts even though they were a little big they still looked cute.)I thought by doing that it would help me relieve some hurt. Looking deeper I guess I dont want to bring it to an end because i dont think it has to end. I just want to find a way to let us have the space to heal without burning any bridges. Maybe Im giving the wrong messages, maybe i need to stop worrying about things and just try to get through the day.
My friend J told me that all those things dont matter. She said that all that matters is what is. For whatever reasons this is what she is choosing for herself and it will only drive me crazy to wonder or question why. Now I have to choose to stop asking. I can choose the state of mind I am in. She said it only takes 17 secs of thinking positive to turn those thoughts into a physical reaction. It sounded kinda Shirley McClainish to me but she is pretty knowledgeable about that stuff so what the hell. O.k I gave it 17 seconds of thinking about Chloe. How when I was up there the last time she wanted to sleep in the bed with me. How she wrapped her little arms around me and fell asleep. Kids are so great. I cant wait to have one. It helped for those 17 seconds but my mind went right back to missing her. Lets try again...at least 17 secs of thinking about the last time she fell asleep with her head on my lap. Maybe I should try thinking of something else.

Long day

2006-09-19T01:37:00.000-04:00

Had a very long day today.I guess it started back on Sat. night with the horrible loss of FSU. Then it kept on getting better and better. (hint of sarcasm) At least I got a glimmer of good news. My friend that had the stroke and was predicted to die decided to surprise everyone and it looks as though he is going to pull through. He is going to have to go through alot of physical therapy but that is nothing considering the alternative...Just like Daddy Doug to make eveything a production! Well since Im not going up to Atlanta for a reunion and a funeral my good friends in Jackson are insisting that I come up there to see them. Kasi is a long time friend and we both agree that the only time we see each other is at a funeral or when I need to run somewhere to get away. When I called her the other day one of her daughters answered the phone. Chloe is 11 going on 21. We had about a 45 min. conversation, reminising about when she was little. The last time I saw her was at her fathers funeral about 6 years ago. She was and is so funny. We used to sit in the hottub together and one of our conversations went like this. Chloe pointing at my breasts.. "those are big, mine are small". I replied one day they will be larger. she then asked how much bigger?" I said I didnt know but I imagined due to genitics and stuff about the same size as her mothers. She nodded her head and thought for a minute then looked me straight in the eyes and said "when"? Out of the mouths of babes. She of course agreed with her mother that it had been to long since they had seen me and she informed me if I came up she would cook me dinner. She had been taking cooking classes and not only would she cook me a wonderful dinner but if i came up for my birthday she would bake me a cake. (My b-day is the 30th of this month) tempting as that may be sadly I wont be able to go up this month but its possible next month I will be able to arrange it. She has a sister Lucy that is just as advanced. She is in 8th grade but when she was younger she had this little boyfriend that had a huge crush on her. When she would take a nap she would have him sit outside her room with a sign that said " quiet princess sleeping. I wonder where she got that from mom? Anywho the reason for all these stories is that it brings a smile to my face. They have for a long time now been trying to convince me to move up there. Rennee(Kasi's wife), Kasi. Lucy and Chloe have said numerous times that there is a open room for me whenever I want it. I think a visit is more in order now than a move.
My best friend that lives in Laguna CA has been also trying to get me out there as well. She threw out the offer the other day to move out there. I was welcome in their house as long as I would like and they would even get me hooked up with a job.
Then to make matters even more intresting a a friend of mine that lives in Colorado wants me to come out there to live with her and her new partner.
One last one, my friends in Denmark have again offered up their house and job opportunities
Tons of options but picking up and moving isnt what I want for me right now. I just started back in school and have 2 more semesters ahead of me. I dont want anymore sudden changes in my life either. I am working on alot of different things and I dont want to bite off more than I can chew. Also I dont want to run. I want to be able to work through this break up and the easiest way is to face it with the support of my friends. I know that where ever I go Ill take my thoughts with me. I just feel very fortunate that I have such good friends that are so supportive of me. They dont give me advise on what to do or how to handle this they just listen and say whatever I do they will support me. There are no "you should's" or " you shouldnt's" Tonight after class I was driving home and called Rick to see what was going on. The first thing he said was "you sound down girl come on home and eat dinner." After dinner while his husband watched football he just listened. He listened to how I was upset that I had just taken the last remaining things I had of hers over to her house. He listened to me explain that I felt I had to do it in order to let go and that it hurt but it was something I felt I had to do because eveytime I saw them I thought of her. All he did was listen and say whatever happens you will be o.k. I know you are hurting right now but you will bounce back. Whatever happens happens for a reason.He did tell me to do one thing. He said I had to eat more. I lost 2 more pounds. Losing about 2 pounds a week down to 144. Havent seen this since I was about 20. He said that i looked fabolous,. I told him if you are going to feel like crap you might as well look good.Then he gave me a hug and more chicken.. Gotta love the Southern Way of dealing with things:)

Something Different Tonight

2006-09-16T20:28:00.000-04:00

Sitting here on the sofa watching the Bowden Bowl. Florida State against Clemson. GO SEMINOLES!!! Thats Florida State for those of you who dont know.I had alot of offers to go do something but tonight but I just feel like doing laundry, watching the game, relaxing, and going to bed early. How weird!?!?! Its a Sat. night and I want to do laundry?!?! I can forget trying to relax becuase FSU is playing like crap right now and Im screaming at the t.v. like they can hear me.University of Florida is playing Tennessee so I am flipping back and forth between commercials trying to see what the Gators are doing. I went to FSU my step-dad went to tennessee and my step-brother went to Florida. Talk about a house divided!! Anywho... cant believe its a Sat. night and Im sitting at home cause I want too.. WOW. Three different offers to go to clubs, three different offers to watch the games, and an offer to go to a play. I wonder if this is what they call personal growth? I usually try to keep going so much that I dont have any time to just be. I have to keep my mind focused on something to not think, I want people around so I can focus on something else. If ever I went idel I would ponder and analyze. Not tonight. Tonight I am looking forward to going to bed early, tonight Im not worried about my dreams, tonight Im going to let my dog sleep on the bed tonight and cuddle with her. She is an awsome spooner

. Thats her there my baby girl!! Tonight I am going to let my brain, heart and soul just be. Tonight I am going to do something different.

Goals

2006-09-14T20:56:00.000-04:00

Had a really long day today. Trying so hard to keep busy that I am running myself down a little bit. I was at work at my part time job at 0630 until 1130 then went right to my full time job. My body quickly reminded me that I can work those long days but I have to have a good nights sleep before I try that. I had only 5 1/2 hours each night for the past two nights and I know better than that. Tomorrow is going to be another long day but at least Ill be going to bed shortly. School is coming along great!! Granted this is only going to be the third week coming up but I dont see it as being an issue at all. I finally feel as though I am setteled down and determined to get my life going in the direction that is better for me. I have certain goals that I want to accomplish and these are the first steps in making that happen. Before I had always been working towards a goal for someone else and I think this is the first time that I am doing it for me. I remember my first relationship and her mother asking me what I wanted to do in life. I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. When she asked me why the first reason that came out of my mouth was so I could take care of her in the manner she was acostumed.
Prety much every relationship I had I have been asked why law and the response was pretty much the same. If you were to ask me now why law I would tell you because that is where my passion lies. My mother told me I always said I wanted to be a lawyer a stock trader or a train engineer. Somewhere along the way I lost that and was setteling. Im not accepted in law school yet but I am getting my paralegal degree so I can work in the legal field while I decide if I want to go on to law school or if I will be content with not going.The point is whatever I decide to do it will be a decission on what I want.

change

2006-09-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

After talking tonight I figured out some things about myself that in my opinion are long overdue. There is a sense of frustration that it took me so long to finally get it. I spent some time talking to my ex of 6 years discussing some of my issues. Can you believe it she had alot of the same issues with me as this last woman had? She said that she felt I didnt listen to her either that I tried so hard to make things o.k. that I didnt hear what she had to say or what she was asking for. I guess you can see the mountain clearer when you are miles away as oppossed to standing on top of it. I have discovered that I tried so hard to give them what I thought was the answer of course I couldnt hear what was being said. I had all the fix it answers in my hand and when it was being refused I tried even harder to make it work.Then couldnt understand why my love wasnt enough. The answer I have come up with is that in order to hear better in the future I need to not try to heal others, to listen to what is being asked of me, to listen to what I am asking for myself. Who knows if this woman and I are going to work things out.All I know is that I have to heal so I dont do the same thing again with the next person that comes into my life weather it is her or someone else. Of course my heart still hurts for this woman and I miss her very much but there is a sense of peace knowing that I am not responsible for her happiness. Not because we arent together anymore but because Im really not responsible for her happiness. I can only be responsible for mine. I have made so many changes in my life recently and I am doing so many things differntly it is amazing to me. I can actually see where I am taking steps towards making me happy. Im not falling into old patterns or even wanting to. Im not numbing the pain but taking steps to correct the behavior that creates the pain. While this is scary and unfamiliar territory it is a good thing. I dont know quite where I am going but I do know it is away fom where I was and that will make me a more loving, compassionate, understanding and healthy person not only for someone else but more importantly for myself.

letting go

2006-09-12T22:53:00.000-04:00

After pondering, being stubborn and beating a dead horse I am absolutely exhausted. I have spent a great deal of emotion and energy trying to make sense out of why she doesnt want to be with me. Not only that but also in this process I am again not listening to what she is saying.Its not that I didnt want to listen I was just not able to hear what she was saying. I was hearing I dont want to be with you. What is important was that I was missing the point. It doesnt matter if I think she wants this or not. What matters is that once again I am being asked for something. She is asking me to let go, to give her time and space. Doesnt matter if she is doing it for me, for her or for both of us. The point is she is asking me for something and I need to give it to her no matter how much I dont want to. It makes more sense now, she cant have her space when she feels I am hanging on like a pitbull to a bone. I have been doing basically the same thing that had upset her before. I wasnt listening. She had said many times before that she needs to feel tha she is being heard.So now I am listening, now I am hearing. Even though what is being asked of me is the hardest thing in the world. I guess the saying goes if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours if not it never was. Letting go doesnt mean that I am going to stop loving her ot take away my sadness, it just means that it will give us both a chance to heal. I once said that I would do anything in the world for her now is a chance to prove it.

ENOUGH ALL FUCKING READY!!!

2006-09-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

Warning: I know the latest blogs have been mind vomit spewing out all over this site but this is probably just as bad.
I have been told that God doesnt give you more than you can handel but I feel as thoughhe is testing me. First the woman I love with all I am decides to call it off, then I get phone calls from my other ex with money issues, my health is getting better but not 100% yet, Aunt Flo came to visit, now I just received a phone call from a friend telling me a long time friend just had a massive stoke and they dont expect him to live through the night. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! there have been times today that I thought I was losing my mind! (I know I wont cause nobody else would claim it)Then to top it all off all this morbidity today because of 9-11.
Looking at this sudden events it shows me how fragile and precious life is. It brings home the issues of my mortality. It wants me to live life to the fullest and to tell those close to me how much I love them. At the same time it depresses me. It makes me sad that there has to be struggles. It makes me sad to loose a friend that I cant get back. It makes me sad to lose a lover that might not come back and it makes me sad in general to be sad. Tonight I am going to spend some time with a friend that is like a brother.I often call him my brother just because if I were to have a biological one I would want him to be it. We are going to spend time talking about our good ol days, crying together about our friend Doug, we called him Daddy, crying about my other loss and looking at pictures of his wedding. Might as well end the night on a good note.

Just Because

2006-09-11T08:29:00.000-04:00

Just because you try to pretend Im not here, Im not going away.
Just because you try to pretend you dont love me you still will.
Just because you want to make things easier for me this is not
If you need time take it but that doesnt mean we cant still have love
Just beause you are scared, and confusd doesnt mean that you have to leave.
Just because you feel as though you have lost yourself doesnt mean that that it is for good.
Just because one horrible person hurt you doesnt mean that everyone will.
Just because you dont know what to do dont push me away.

Listen to your heart. what does it say? Do you really want me to go away?
Listen to your heart. It is speaking to you. Telling you what you need to do.
Listen to your heart. My love is speaking, telling it not to give up or push me away.

maybe you dont want me to love you, maybe you dont think you are deserving but i cant take back something I have already given. I cant take back my love for you. Maybe it is because I dont want to. You can pretend all you want that this is how you want things to be but I dont believe it. You can pretend when you are out with your friends that you are happy Im not there. Do you think about me as much as I think about you? I think about you during the day, you are on my mind when I go to sleep at night and then again in my dreams so when I wake up you are the first thing I think about.Why do you think this is easier? None of this makes any sense. You said to think outside myself. This wasnt about me. Maybe it isnt about me but it is affecting me. You dont have to push me away to heal. doesnt it hurt more trying to ignore something that you feel so strong? this cant be easier or for the better. I miss you so much. I miss:
talking to you on the phone before you go to sleep and tucking you in over the phone. waking up next to you when we did spend the night. just touching you on the leg when we are driving. Just being near you not having to talk about anything. Our motorcycle rides. cooking dinner for you. the look in your eyes when I do something nice for you. How you bite your bottom lip when we kiss. You falling asleep with your had in my lap while I rub your head. Watching you dance out at the club. sitting on the sofa with the baby stretched out between us having to be in the middle, hearing you say you love me, holding each other after a long day, the butterflies i get in my belly when you touch me, seeing the spark in your eyes when you talk about how the kids got something, seeing you laugh, making me laugh, having fun with you, seeing the look in your eyes when I touch you, seeing you roll your eyes when i get on my political soap box and telling me to get a career, i miss all this and more.

my wish for her

2006-09-10T20:50:00.000-04:00

My wish for her:
is to have a good night sleep without the nightmares that consume her slumber
is to have peace knowing she did not deserve the treatment she got.
is that one day she will believe she is deserving of all the love that is given .
is that she will realize that love can be unconditional.
is that she will learn that she has all the love inside her to give back but right now it is just burried
is to one day believe that she can trust again
is that she will realize that no matter what I will be there for her
is that she will one day know that real love doesnt go away and expect it not to
is that one day she will let herself take a chance
is that she will know she doesnt have to push me away because she will know she isnt going to get hurt
is to believe that she is safe when she is in my arms
is for her to realize that sometimes it is o.k to take until you can give. everyone needs help sometime.
is that she can find happiness within herself
I think the most important wish I have is that she can find it within to forgive just because her heart is to beautiful and delicate to hold all that inside.

redo

2006-09-10T19:24:00.000-04:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

10% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

This has to be wrong. Im a florida cracker!!

happiness

2006-09-10T18:35:00.000-04:00

To make your self happy is probably the hardest thing in life to do although one would think it should be the easiest. When you have always made yourself happy by making others happy it is a great adventure to figure out how to return that favor to yourself. I have recently moved into my own apartment, started on a study path for having the career that I want and started to put my wants, and desires into action. testing the waters trying to find out what I like and what I dont. Hopefully as Im on this journey of discovery I will be able to share this experience with the woman that I love. Hopefully she will also be embarking on this journey for herself and we will be able to meet somewhere and share the wonderful happiness that we have found.

women

2006-09-10T18:24:00.000-04:00

I dont know how you straight boys do it!! Being a woman and I cant figure us out I dont know how they expect you to. Reminds me of the old joke... How do you make a woman happy? Bring flowers, tell her how beautiful, intelligent, loving and wonderful she is, make her feel special and the center of your world. How do you make a guy happy? Come naked and bring beer ( or in Sorted's case vodka lol) Anyway there can be no denying the emotional complexities of women. As much as I might complain about it I wouldnt change it for the world. I love the emotional connection that as women have. Even though it can be frustrating and brain racking at times it is incredible. Now Im not saying you guys arent emotional but maybe as a whole not like women. If you were there wouldnt be any more balcony bingo at Parliment House. Heaven Help Us All!!! lol

time

2006-09-09T10:48:00.000-04:00

So Im told to listen to my heart. My head tells me what I heard was to move on, anyone would say that it is plain and simple. Not very much room for misinterpretation. My heart doesnt believe it. I dont believe that this is really what she wants. Deep down inside I believe that she wants to be able to be with me, deep down inside I believe she is in love wih me. I think that is why I got a phone call instead of a talking about it face to face. She couldnt do it when I could see her eyes. Maybe I am wrong about this but I dont think I am. Im not angry anymore about this, I respect her a great deal for having the strength, courage and respect for me to do this. She needs some time to do what she has to do. She probabably believes this is the best thing to do for her and for me. I think that she believes by doing this she can save me some pain and she doesnt want me to be hurt anymore by her. I understand that she needs the freedom to do what she has to do without worrying that it is going to hurt me. Last night some friends asked me out and I decided to go. I saw her out. I wanted to talk to her so bad that at times I had to literally command my feet to move in the other direction. She needs space and time to figure things out and Im not going to impose on her. Because I love her so much I will respect her wishes and there will come a day that we will talk and I can find out if Im wrong. I have decided to follow her instructions. I am going to move on with my life. What that means for me is that Im going to continue working on myself. I have a lot on my plate right now. I am also going to take this as an opportunity to fix some issues that need fixing with myself. As I previously said I can be a caregiver. I want to fix things and I like to make people happy. I also tend to draw my happiness from making people happy and by fixing things. It is a role I have had all my life. Being responsible for taking care of others and for making sure they are happy. Even though it is role that is comfortable or me I realize now that it is destined to make me unhappy. I cant be responsible for someone elses happiness I can only be responsible for mine. I realize that I have to find my happiness with what makes me happy. When we broke up I felt like a failure. I failed at being able to make her happy and I failed at making the relationship work. I know now that it hadand has nothing to do with me. So Im moving on trying to figure out what makes me happy. Im spending time with friends, spending time alone, and spending time figuring out what I like.

Here ya go

2006-09-07T07:07:00.000-04:00

DAMNIT TO HELL!! I cant sleep! Been up for about 4 hours now but at least my dog is happy. I let her get up on the bed which is rare so she is enjoying this right now. I have a huge day ahead of me. I got a few leads to a job which is a good thing. I have one now but all it is just a job not a career. I have to update my resume, submit it, and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I need to get focus on where I am headed in my life. I know any journey starts with a single step. So here goes that step. I see this as an adventure, another one of lifes little here ya go's. I call it here ya go's cause its one of those times that you are handed an opportunity and you can go whichever way you choose. Im choosing to run with this one and see where this path leads me. If nothing else it can be a great ride even better than an E ticket at Disney.

had to change

2006-09-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

couldnt take it anymore. I had to move my account over to the regular blog from blog beta now i can comment and so can you. thank god!!!

nite nite time

2006-09-06T23:21:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

nite- nite time
it is bed time for me but i cant seem to shut my brain off so I decided to come and write. I had been told this was very theraputic and I have to agree. This is an incredible outlet that I can just let my mind go and vent. Hopefully later down the line not only will my writing improve but it can be of a happier subject matter. Im sure it will. I feel so much hurt and sadness inside right now. It keeps trying to manifest itself in anger and I am trying to fight that off. I dont want to be angry. Anger comes easier for me because I am trying to shut out the pain.I have an account on myspace and I pretty much butchered it today. It was right after I had talked to her so I was in the heat of the moment. I dont want to loose her as a friend but I dont want her as just a friend either. I dont think she can be just my friend either. We did have chemistry. I know I shouldnt even be thinking about the future but I cant help but believe that we will be together again one day.I guess that might make me a little crazy. As a good friend wrote and this time I have to agree with her " its not meeting the right person it is meeting them at the right time". I wish God would send me down his watch so I can get a better idea of his timing. I can say that the one improvement was I actually got up went to school and carried on with my day. Previously I would have been so upset that I would have blown off everything I was supposed to do and basiclly say fuck it. I guess I have had some improvements in my life.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 9:53 PM

time to sort

2006-09-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

So the last post was a first reaction now i have had time to sort. Im still angry/hurt, im still confused and I still want to find a way to work things out. Although I know that what she did was probably the most fair thing to do, for not only herself but for me as well. As much as I could see us being together , as much as I believed this could work it takes two. I cant compete with the memories that she carries from her past and I shouldnt have to. I can believe in something with all my heart but I cant believe for both of us. I know what is meant to be will be. I just have to believe that eveything she has told me has been true. I have to believe that she wants to give me eveything I would like but cant right now. I have to believe that she is making a decission based on what is best not just using this an excuse because she doesnt want to be with me. She always said that she believed I would leave her one day well that belief came true but it didnt have to. So where do I go from here? I respect her wishes. I dont make a scene, I dont try to convince her to take me back, I dont try to seduce her, I dont play games, I dont close myself off no matter how much I want to. There are some questions that I have and maybe one day I can get them answered but not today. Those are some of the things I dont do. What I can do is pick up an extra class in school, work a little more, get a job in the area that I actually want a career in, spend more time with my dog, spend some quality time with good friends, go motorcycle riding, give her the space she needs to figure out her issues, spend some time alone. I mean really alone. I believe that things dont happen to us they just happen and how we react is the most important. I cant control what other people do but I can control how I react. I love this woman very much and that wont disappear overnight. I dont want it to. Now I need some time to heal. Not to stop loving but to stop being sad.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 5:40 PM

some mindless hurt, angry rambeling

2006-09-06T23:19:00.000-04:00

So I guess my mind doesnt have to spin anymore. I got the dear John or Dear joanie phone call today. " I have been thinking alot and I think you should just move on. You arent happy and I cant give you what you want or need and it isnt fair to keep you dragging along because I dont know how long it will take." All she could say was she was sorry. That makes two of us. I guess I got a phone call cause she couldnt do this face to face. Thanks for the consideration. NOT!!! The deep thinking should have happened before you said it was safe to give you my heart, the deep thinking should have come before you said you loved me and could see a future with us, before you listed out all the reasons that you loved me, before you figured out that you couldnt do this. Bitter party of one? No not bitter just very hurt, we have all been there before. I know life will go on and I know there will be someone else yet at the expense of sounding like a spoiled brat I dont want anyone else. I wanted this to be the last time. I really believed that this was going to be it. I know she didnt do this on purpose, I know that she loves me, I know that it isnt me and just the circumstances, I know that in time this will heal as well, I know that if we are meant to be we will, I know that what I am feeling isnt anger just an incredible amount of hurt that stems from not only her but past issues needed to be dealt with. I know all these things and more but my heart and head arent really communicating right now. I had been told to follow my heart and not listen so much to my head, well I did and look where it got me.
Posted by thephoenixanddragon at 9:08 AM

tug of war

2006-09-06T23:17:00.000-04:00

So this is pretty much how I feel inside. I go back and forth trying to find that delicate balance between letting her know that I'm going to be there and the other side of protecting myself. How do I help make her feel safe and yet keep my heart from being torn apart like the head of that poor pooh bear? Maybe absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe distance shows that I'm not going to be there. Should I put the ball in her court and give her the control? There are so many questions and I cant seem to come up with the answers. I just want to do the right thing. Not just for her but for me as well. To give up now would seem to me as abandoning her when she needs me the most. Not that I can fix her but she does need to feel as though she has support, security , acceptance and love especially from the woman she loves. I get really frustrated because I feel as though I don't know what to do. I want my mind to stop spinning. I used to believe that I needed to get answers to the questions to stop the spinning but maybe I just need to stop asking questions. JUST LET IT GO!! That's what I need to keep reminding myself. This weekend we are going away and I think we just need to have a great time. Get some sun, maybe go dancing, see a museum, sleep in, take a bubble bath, just be. No serious conversations, no questions, no analyzing, nothing but just being together.

the dance

2006-09-06T23:15:00.001-04:00

The dance. Thats what a good friend calls it. She says that is what the relationship activity between two people really is just a dance. One person does something then the other person reacts. There has to be chemistry between the two or else they would just choose another partner and move on. She says that even though the two dancers might be stepping on each others feet they are still dancing and instead of getting another partner maybe they should change the steps or the music. In my situation my feet are getting sore from being stepped on yet it never occured to me to change the music. Recently the dance step has been me getting rejected if you will and then I pursue which in turn creates the reaction from the other side to repel which makes me pursue even more. I know not a vey pleasant dance but it is one that I am very familiar with the steps.The other part is that the steps are very familiar to the other as well and we are both getting the reaction the other expects and is used to. I guess the mind cant tell what is memory and what is happening in the present especially when still healing from the past. I suppose the catch here is to figure out how to change the music. I have a few ideas, not having expectations. Disappointment comes from expectations not being met. Another thing is maybe focusing on not taking things personal. It is so easy for me to do that and the reality is that it has nothing to do with what is happening. People dont do things to me they do things for themselves and if i happen to be involved thats just how it is. Also I need to keep focusing on making myself happy. The woman I love is not the sourse of my happiness just someone I am sharing that with.

political phone calls

2006-09-06T23:15:00.000-04:00

So Im laying on a friends sofa, in the middle of the movie Munich, when my phone rings. It is almost 900 P.M. so I figured I should answer it. Is it my mom? No. Is it a good friend calling to say hello? No. Its a republican canidate running for office, trying to get my vote!! It was not even a real person but a computer generated call!! The call wasnt even made at a reasonable time. I wish I had stayed on the phone longer to find out who it was so I would not vote for him. If you want my vote you have to be a bit more creative than just annoying, insulting and just plain unimagainative campaigning. Whats next mass emails?

first time

2006-09-06T23:12:00.000-04:00

i guess this would actually be my second time. lol i am new to this area of blogging, i have an account on myspace but I have grwon increasingly intrested in this blogspot. I have a few friends that have been doing this for a while but it was not until recently that my curiosity was sparked. So now I believe that I am getting sucked in. I was always told of the theroputic benefits of keeping a journal but maybe playing on the computer was just the motivation I needed to try this out.

glutton for punishment?

2006-09-06T23:09:00.000-04:00

So here it is... i have been dating this girl for about eight months and I am absolutely crazy about her. Whats the catch you ask? When we met she had only been out of a horrible relationship for about two weeks. TWO WEEKS?? some of you might be saying.. yes two weeks. To throw a couple more irons into the fire I had only been out of a six year relationship for three months. I know some might be thinking doomed from the start; that thought had even crossed my mind many times but I believe that people are put into our lives for a reason at the right time. So where is the problem you ask (if you didnt already think you found the answer in the previous sentences.)? The issue is that we stopped calling it a relationship about a month ago. Without going into all the sordid little details lets just say that I wasnt taking care of certain responsibilities that would make her feel like a priority so she called our "relationship" off. Well I took care of what needed to be done and we started to see each other again with the understanding that she needs time to heal some of the old wounds that she is still carrying from the last girl she dated and the understanding we took things slow. We both realize that we each have issues that we dont want to put on the other. Which brings us to the name of this blog. My big "issue" is that I am a caretaker. I want to make things O.K. I realize I cant fix her and that whatever she needs to do she has to do for herself but I have to wonder why I have again put myself in this situation? My last relationship I was the caretaker and so much of my pain came from not being able to make my partner happy. I setteled for not getting my needs met in order to try to accomodat another. I believe the label they have for that is co-dependent:) anywho... I find myself in that position again. My needs are not being met here. I want to spend time with her, I want her to be able to comfort me when I have had a bad day, I want to be able to comfort her,I want to feel that she is in love with me as much as I am with her, I want to feel as though we are working towards a future together, I want security. Right now I understand that she has nothing to give, that right now she is totally stripped. The question I have is how long do I wait? How long am I patient, understanding and loving? How long do I keep putting myself out there with no guarantees? I would like to say as long as it takes because I love her but I have to question how long.